Namaste and Welcome

I see you have chosen well, but be warned that my blog is exactly as it states... ramblings. You won't find this blog overly political, religious or much anything else. I write for me. Well, I write for you, the audience as well, but mainly for me. Would it surprise you to know that I've been keeping a hard diary since 1986? (yeah, I just dated myself.) Well, writing in the book has become painful, so I blog. I have many blogs on other sites, which is why this blog only has a mere few, but do know that I plan on maintaining this blog a bit more. I will probably not post a picture or use real names of any of my friends or family, if the blogs turn to that nature. There, you are forewarned.

Please do subscribe and enjoy the mindless babblings of the one otherwise known as Onyx of Darklite.......

Oh, and hey, would you mind feeding my fish at the bottom of the screen? Thanks!

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Sometimes it's hard...

I have very little social life.  Some of that is self-imposed, some is ... well, I guess it's all self-imposed. I'm so introverted that being around people is just too difficult.  But, that's not why I'm writing today.  Well, maybe a little. And, I'm also very shy.  VERY shy...What a great combination.

This past week was Burning Man.  If you have never heard of Burning Man, you should check it  out.  It isn't for me. Too many people for my introverted nature and this year was exceptionally hot and those conditions are just not for me.  But, that isn't really why I'm writing, either.

I took many Burners to the airport after the week ended.  Many couples. Many couples who live apart for whatever reason.  I observed many goodbyes and it got me to thinking about how so very lonely I have become in the last few years.  I realized that I miss someone missing me.  Someone to come back to, to give strong bear hugs to and receive from.  At one point I had to wipe away a tear.

Like everyone else, I am filled with insecurities. But, for me, I am having trouble either accepting them or ignoring them in order for me to be more comfortable around larger groups of people.  It is strange because I have absolutely zero issue chatting up those who enter my car.  Why can't I take that confidence with me into public places?

I have tried the online dating thing. I even recently reactivated one of my profiles, but as usual, the only people that show interest in my profile are either way too young, way too old, or simply not my type.  It is difficult because I know what I don't want in a relationship.  And, I know what I want. I am flexible, but there are certain things that I have hard limits to.  Excessive video gaming is one.  I have been in relationships with guys that game a lot and it just didn't work out.  I won't do that every again.

I would simply love to find a friend.  A travel companion.  An activity partner.  A conversationalist. An uplifter of spirits. A motivator. A confidante.  A shoulder to cry on.  Someone I can leave notes for.  Someone I can uplift and motivate. Live life with.  Sheesh, now I just sound sappy.

So, my dating life is at a halt, as has been the way for quite some time.  And I can't stand it. But, only I can change it.  I get that. I think I'm doomed.

That does it. I'm getting out to sing tonight.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Perfection is Futile...

Or so I've heard.  I am a Virgo, after all.  And we strive to be perfect in all that we do.  I am reminded that my birthday is coming up, again.  I'll be a 40-something with so little to show for the last four+ decades that I just wish I was dead sometimes.  I have never really had much ambition in life.. well, actually, I had a lot, I just allowed myself to cave into the nee sayers that have plagued my existence since I was a kid who wanted to be an astronaut.  Well, actually, I realized that I had zero talent for math or science, so that was on me.  But everything else, pretty much has been doomed before it began thanks to the lack of support from, well, everyone.

I have had a lot on my mind as of late.  The desire to move out of Reno has dominated my thoughts.  It is getting to be very expensive to live here.  Housing costs have gone up, which haven't really affected me too much, but my desire to move out of the place I live in now is causing me concern because I cannot afford to live anywhere else at the moment.  The people here are awful, for the most part.  There are a few gems that I have gotten to know, but in all reality, I am a very lonely and bitter woman right now.  I have tried to reach out to meet people, but I am so awkward in public that it just doesn't reflect who I really am.  I want out.

I have considered several places in my desire to move.  I have to keep Raven in my considerations because she has already been uprooted more times than I care to admit, and I want my next move to be my permanent address, at least until she moves out on her own.  Places in consideration are Boise, Nashville, Denver, Sacramento, Spokane and Portland.  The majority of those places are even more expensive than Reno, but would be worth the move to be with people who wouldn't treat me like a second-class citizen. Or a backup friend. 

So, I think that I will end up back in Boise.  At least I know that there I have friends who enjoy my company as I do theirs.  I was happy there.  I should never have left in the first place.  There are a lot of things I shouldn't have done, and would do differently if given a second chance, which is what I am looking for right now anyway.

I try so hard to be a happy person.  An upbeat person.  There's not very many who can say that I am not this way.  Most of my riders (I drive for a TNC company) have been happy enough with my service that they rate me with 5 stars.  I value that input and always feels awful when I end up with less than that.  It makes me wonder what I did or said to get a less than perfect score from these riders.  Again, perfection if futile.  I cannot always make everyone happy.  Just do better next time.  But, I see my rating slowly slipping into something that is truly depressing and wonder if I made the right choice in doing this on a full-time, only job basis.  I will admit to having looked for other jobs, but my interviewing skills still leave a lot to be desired and I am afraid that no one will take me seriously or give me the chance to prove that I am a worthwhile person.

Sheesh, I sound really depressed.  Well, I am.  I try to hide that through cheerful banter in my car.  I try to hide those feelings from Raven, but it is tough.  I think she suspects that I am not always as happy as I pretend to be, and that makes it that much harder.  There are times when I do not want to be around anyone, especially her.  She is a constant reminder of how I fail, epically, as a mother.  She's such a great kid, though.  Growing up so fast.

I freaking hate my life.  I have no idea what it is that brings me happiness anymore.  Well, a really good plate of nachos is a start, but that lasts up until the first bout of heartburn, then I instantly regret that option.  Seriously, though, it has been forever since I was truly happy.  Going to club doesn't bring happiness.  If anything, it exacerbates those feelings of worthlessness and inferiority that I constantly feel.  Always the outsider among society's outcasts.  And that really sucks.  A good book doesn't really bring me happiness anymore, either.  I was told by someone I thought was a friend that I should read more philosophy.  She might be right, but who is the right person to read? Aristotle? Dali Lama? Hitler?  Or perhaps all of them?

I am a person of very little conviction.  Live and let live and leave me alone about it.  So much is going on in this world that I have no opinion about.  I know people who go and march against everything they can, which is fine for them, but very little changes just because someone marches.  A waste of time, if you ask me.  I'd rather be out hiking or listening to music or something.  And, it seems that things don't change with the vote, either.  Someone somewhere has predetermined where this country is going and who will be the one to lead us into the ground.  But, this post isn't about politics, which we all know doesn't make everyone happy...if anyone.

I have no opinions on things like religion or government or which football teams I think is the best or what style is cool or what music is considered good or not.  Besides, I am nobody and my opinions wouldn't matter to anyone else who mattered anyway.  Why should I bother.

I'm writing this to get things off my chest.  If you have read this far, then I thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so. I know, you probably want the last ten minutes of your life back, or however long it took you to read this far.  Sorry, no refunds.

People run in the race of the pursuit of happiness.  Just what is it that makes people happy?  It doesn't really matter to me. I just need ideas because I am out of them.  There are times when I feel like King Haggard from The Last Unicorn.  Nothing made that guy happy either, except the unicorns.  I guess I need to find my unicorn...whatever that may be.  I don't care for doing arts and crafts anymore.  I don't like cooking anymore.  I don't have the patience to learn how to draw although it might help me focus.  I suck at it though.  I have little imagination for ideas on things to learn.  I know, the sky's the limit, but my ceiling is only about six feet high.

I need help.  Actually, I don't really need help. I need a friend.  Someone local who is willing to talk to me about what's going on. About the weather.  About whatever.  When I was younger I had a lot of friends.  Ones who would hang out together, go dancing together or even to the movies or the mall.  Where are those friends these days?  I moved away.  That's where.

I am trying to pinpoint exactly when I became this bitter individual.  Well, the inferiority complex began when I was in kindergarten with bullies and I never recovered from that.  I'm still sensitive and I still cry at the drop of a hat, which sucks, but that's how I've always been. I really wish I had someone's shoulder to cry on right now.  Crying to my computer screen isn't really helping anything except giving me blurry vision.

I've always been shy, but now I'm extremely introverted as well.  I don't want to be around a huge crowd of people.  That's one reason I enjoy driving people around.  I get to talk to people in small groups or one on one and then I don't really see them again. My car is my safe space and I do feel amazing there.  It's hard sometimes because there are some who intimidate me to the point where I feel like I should crawl back into my clamshell, but I push through, somehow.  I think those are the people who tend to rate me lower than I feel I deserve, because I do try my best.  But, I can't make everyone happy.  Personality conflicts and all that.

I wish I could give up on trying to be perfect.  I know I never will be and it's depressing.  It is difficult to think that there are people out there who do not like me.  *gasp*  I wish I could say I don't care about that.  Well, I do.  I care a lot.  I care about whether or not people will show up to my funeral.  I have a feeling that not even some of my family would show up.  If my parents go before me, then I don't think that anyone would go.  My sister doesn't give a crap about me.  My brother and I are on speaking terms, but well, dammit, that reminds me that I forgot to bring his birthday card to him... grrrr.....

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  There are times when I wish I was dead. What have I done in this life worth being proud of anyway.  Not a damn thing.  I guess I'd better find my happy spot and soon....

Friday, February 24, 2017

Is There Anywhere...

... where I will ever feel welcome?

I'm an outsider among outsiders. My social skills are less than stellar and every time I open my mouth to say something, I immediately wish I hadn't.  I can sense others feelings toward me changing rapidly, and not for the better most times.  I try to be cheerful and civil and most of the time even a bit silly because that's all I know how to be.  But most times it isn't enough.  From coworkers who refuse to talk to me or include me in much of what they are doing (whatever, I have my music to keep me company) to the feeling that I just simply don't belong there in the first place.  I just do not understand my place in this world.  Perhaps I never will.  There are times when the alternative seems ever better, but I cannot take that alternative route. 

Friends are in short supply, as in no supply.  There is no one I can talk to.  None.  Zero.  Nobody.  Writing only helps in the short term, but being alone is not a long term solution.  And I fear that I will be alone forever.  I do not feel worthy of anyone. Not work, not friends, no one.  Not even myself. 

No one can save me. I can only save myself, but the path to that goal seems incredibly daunting and I do not know if I have what it takes to overcome these feelings. 

So, I offer these lyrics by Some Girl (yes, that's the name of the artist)

Save Me

You walked into my life and told me what you see
I thought I'd seen it there is no one left but me
Every step I take a footprint erased in time
Is it me who lives life in rewind
I come into the light
Where are your angel wings?

Look at me I'm not just some girl
Did you come to save me from my empty world

Oh, how the air changes from warm to cold
Sunshine to a cloudy day
You took my hand and it slowly went away
Did you look at me from the other side
Where are your angel wings
Can you take me for a ride

Look at me I'm not just some girl
Did you come to save me from my empty world

The time has come and here we are can you save me from myself
So take my hand and we'll fly away to a better day
The time has come and here we are can I save you from yourself
So take my hand and we'll fly away to a better day

Sunday, January 22, 2017

A Month In...

...and I need new pants!

So far I've kept to my new year's resolutions.  I've lost ten pounds already and I've gotten my blood sugar mostly under what I consider to be control.  I haven't had any "red" draws in several days, and only the one in the last few weeks.  It was weird because I have had several draws right around 97-120, which is I guess normal, but for me cause me to shake something fierce. I guess my body isn't used to whatever is normal for most people yet.  And, I actually didn't take my medication for one night and one morning because the sugar levels were so low.

But I really do need new pants.  Most of the weight has been falling off my backside, in turn my pants are doing the same.. lol..

All in all life seems to be going okay.  Nothing new in the relationship realm.  I tried, once again, a few online dating sites, which cause nothing but headache for me.  People don't read my profile fully so I get a lot of really young kids (what else am I, as a 41-year-old, going to call an 18-22-year-old that thinks he's going to get lucky with me?) who like to send me messages.  Even when I politely tell them I am not interested, they persist.  I don't like to block people, to me that's just rude, but sometimes people don't take not for an answer.  And, I don't like to repeat myself.  I'm too old to have the same conversations multiple times...

I have had nothing but bad experiences. I was even stood up by a guy who was older than me (in his 50s, which for me is usually an automatic 'no'), but I was enjoying our conversation so I agreed to meet him.  Thankfully, it was somewhere I was already familiar with.  I get anxiety going to new places alone.  When he didn't show up, I checked back on the messaging for that website only to find that he had blocked me and was no longer accepting my messages.  Do people really do that?  Do they get their kicks on luring people out only to not show up and block them?  Get a good laugh on that did you?  It made me furious for a moment, then sad, then I turned on myself thinking I wasn't good enough, then I decided that it was his loss.  I dunno. I am about to give up permanently.

As much as I would like to think that there is someone out there for me, who will enjoy my company, have similar interests, enjoy travelling, etc, I highly doubt that I am going to find him here.  Oh well.

I am getting ready to go back to school.  I forget if I mentioned this in a previous entry.  I am going back to get my court reporting degree.  I will be able to do much more than just court reporting.  Perhaps get one of those close captioning jobs or something.  But, I'm tired of being broke and not really being able to do much about it. It's time I put my talents (such as they are) to good use.  I know I can do this. It's just a matter of making it happen.  The school didn't have their schedule yet for this year.  I'm not sure how long that takes to make happen, but if I don't hear something back by the end of the upcoming week, I will contact them back.  Yeah.  I have to make a change.  I can't live like this anymore.  Granted, I am surely not taking anything for granted, but there is always the opportunity to live better, right?

Our cats are fat and happy.  Well as happy as two cats can be, I suppose.  Klaus and Elijah fight like grumpy old men.  It's funny to watch Klaus try do defend himself and wherever he happens to be sleeping at the time from Elijah.  Klaus has no front claws, so he furiously bats his paws at Elijah and hisses at him during these altercations.  Mostly, they take place on my bad while I'm trying to sleep.  Klaus follows me around like a puppy.  I did mention that he is a big, fat, long-haired cat, yes?

Overall, they keep me company and Raven enjoys them very much.  They are HER cats after all, but there's nothing wrong with me petting them when they allow it.  Elijah is still a bit skittish and doesn't really like Raven much, but once in a while he will crawl up and lay on her lap. 

The weather here has been chaotic.  This morning it snowed and then it disappeared.  It flurried for a short time, then it stopped.  We are supposed to be getting a bunch more snow tonight.  Who knows if the school will start on time, be delayed or be canceled altogether.  I am lucky to work for a company who cares about its employees' safety.  Usually when the roads are bad, we are delayed working as well.  I guess they will just keep an eye on the roads tomorrow and we'll see what happens. 

I find writing so relaxing... it's why I do it.  Thank you for taking this journey with me into what I would consider my pathetic life.  I need more excitement. 

Care to join me?

Monday, January 2, 2017

A Week In

Well, the first week of this diabetic chaos has been enlightening.  I've been taking my medication, eating properly, and doing as much as I can to tackle the beast.  So far, it's been working well.

My numbers are down to the hundreds, which is good.  There are times when I feel like I've had to starve myself to get there, but that's not the case.  Things I've eaten are very healthy and full of flavor.  They just happen to be low in calories.  Just this week alone, I have lost 6 pounds.  I'm excited about that.

I will admit to having had soda yesterday. I took Raven to the movies and well, popcorn and soda just kind of come with the territory.  We shared one, though, and I didn't have very much.  I did get to see just how much (or in this case how little) my blood sugar went up.  Even with all that my sugars manages to stay under 200. 

2017 is going to be a great, but rough year. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

2016 Can Suck it...

...2017 is going to be much better.

Well here we are, another year coming to a close.  So much has happened, hasn't it?  So many people have died.  Prince, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, just to name a small few.  I think that I am starting to feel like my dad did (perhaps) when all of his childhood idols started to die off.  Although, I honestly don't think they dropped as quickly (or as young) as a lot of them were this year.  It's been a rough year for sure.

Then there's the election.  I won't say either way my feelings about it.  I will just sit back and wait to see what happens. 

And then there's my personal life.  A lot has happened with that this year as well, which is the primary focus of this particular blog.  Many high points of the year, but several less than spectacular ones too.  I started a new job toward the beginning of the year. I am still there and for the most part I am happy there.  Sometimes there is too much drama for my taste, but my earbuds make that all go away for the most part.  What I really need is to find something full-time with benefits.  #1 New Year's resolution for me.

This year for Raven's birthday we obtained two new members to our small family.  A pair of cats named Klaus and Elijah.  Yes, we love The Originals in this house.  Suck it.  We rescued them from the local Humane Society.  I had seen a few cats in the visiting room before making my choice and I had decided that I was going to take home the first one that purred at me.  After all, they are in kitty prison.  Purring probably wasn't going to come easy.  I also wanted one that was easy going. 

As I was adopting Klaus, a very big, fat black 10-year old cat, I noticed on his description sheet that he had come in with his housemate.  I didn't want to separate them.  The shelter didn't want them separated, either so I was surprised that they didn't mention him.  I took Elijah without visiting with him in the visiting room.  He's a big 8-year-old orange and white cat that is still getting used to the house, but he's a lot better. I am definitely enriched to have them here. Raven loves the snot out of them, too.

Let's see... what else... Oh, we started the radio show, A Walk on the Dark Side.  Raven and I have had a lot of fun with it so far.  I do now know what will become of the show for now. I have thought about quitting doing it, but a lot of people seem to enjoy it, so I would hate to disappoint them.  We've talked to a lot of people, and I've met a few great people in person as well. 

Oh, some low points, the one that this blog is truly about.  Two days before Christmas, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.  It's common enough, and it wasn't quite a shock to me.  I had been dizzy all week and my vision was blurry. I was drinking water like it was going out of style and I was in the bathroom all the time.  Classic signs.  I haven't told very many people, because I don't want anyone worrying. I know full well that Type 2 is reversible, and I fully plan on having this kicked by the end o 2017.  After all, it hasn't been that long and I've already made great strides in getting my sugar levels down.  Hell, the meter at my doctor's office only read HHH, which meant too high for the meter to read.  They really wanted to put me in the hospital, but I told them no.  Not on the holiday weekend. 

I've been taking those pills they gave me and checking my levels 3-4 times a day and the levels fluctuate, which is normal as I understand it.  Everyone's levels fluctuate during the day depending on what's been eaten, if there's been activity like exercise or something like that.  So, honestly, I'm not that worried.

I have only told my mom, Raven and Falcon.  I know he doesn't really care either way, but he knows that I will kick this thing as well.  My mom told me that diabetes was in the family. I wish I had known that sooner.  Not that it would have mattered. I probably would still not have done anything about it until it was too late.  Typical me.

It's really strange what the thought of diabetes will do to one's thoughts about food and life in general.  I quit drinking soda that very day.  Along with no more candy and basically no more fruit as that seems to spike my levels something fierce.  I've discovered new foods and a new fondness for black beans.  I even made black bean veggie burgers tonight. I never thought I would eat a meatless burger, much less one that I made on my own (with the help of ye ol' interweb).  I've been keeping track of my food intake for the last few days and interestingly enough, I've only consumed less than 1000 calories each day.  One might think that that is grounds for insanity, but I don't really feel all that hungry.  Perhaps my stomach is finally shrinking. 

When I went to the doctor, of course they took my weight.  So, not I have an official starting point, which I am not going to say here.  It's embarrassing enough, yes?  Just know that I plan on keeping a detailed account of what I'm doing from now on.  Perhaps not here, but somewhere. 

I just know that 2017 is going to be a way better year than any previous, diabetes and all.  It's time to get my ass in gear and live life.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Chaos, Depression, and Leave me the Hell Alone...

The last several months have been an internal nightmare for me.  Depression has set in more than usual.  Several factors have contributed to this latest journey into the abyss. 

Firstly, I work in an environment where it is sometimes hostile, sometimes not.  I'm sure that I'm the only one who feels this way.  As thick as my skin is, I often see more than is really there, but no matter how hard I try to be nice to people, attempt to talk, and have conversations, those around me pay me little to no attention at all. And, unfortunately, the words that do end up leaving my mouth bypass the filter so I usually end up offending someone or sounding like an absolute idiot.  So why even bother. In order to avoid this, I plug in my earbuds and listen to music all day.

This does not mean that I am oblivious to that which goes on around me.  So many times I hear conversations around me that are so hypocritical in nature, but I keep my mouth shut because why do I care?  I am not one to allow words to have more power than they need.  I do not get offended by words easily.  Call me whatever you want.  I couldn't care less.  But when I hear what I hear, it really chaps my hyde to think that you get offended by something that I have said, but then turn around and mock others.  It's innocent enough, and I don't care about that, but still... It's the hypocritical nature of the beast that irks me. 

I also don't like being ignored.  Another reason why conversation doesn't do me very good.  I could interject here and there, but normally I haven't been invited to the conversation.  Not that an open conversation requires an invitation, but I feel like such a scourge, a no one, a cypher if I may... nothing....

The second thing that has me really perplexed is that one of my friends, who I have know for over a decade, decided that we were no longer to be friends after I posted a response to something she had posted on Facebook.  What I posted wasn't even offensive.  Not to me, and not to anyone I spoke to about it after the fact.  I cannot believe that she would up and sever our friendship without so much as a word.  Why do people do this?  While this isn't the first time, or even the second, that this has happened to me, it leaves me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. 

After all, there must be something. Did I say something? Did I do something? Are we just incompatible now?  Did I not do enough to make you feel like I was your friend?  A conversation in the very least would have at least been good form.  But you know what? Screw me. I don't matter.  Does anyone really matter?

So often I have contemplated ending it all.  No One, and I mean NO ONE (except perhaps Raven) would even miss me.  I wouldn't be a burden on my family anymore.  I wouldn't be taking up precious oxygen that could be going toward those who deserve it more.  If it seems like I'm am extremely self-degrading it's because my esteem couldn't possibly be any lower.  No friends except those online and extremely far away, and even then, they are not really friends, but acquaintances no matter how much I enjoy chatting with them online.  They are great people, but I fear that if we were to hang out, I would just end up offending them and they would end up severing the friendship eventually.  Invariably it happens.  When people tell me that I'm no good for years and years it tends to not just break me and leave me without the foundation to build myself back up.  Am I hard on myself?  Yes, I am.  I believe we all are.  I have very high expectations for myself and when I don't live up to them, I get upset with myself. 

Everywhere I go, there I am and until I figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me, then I will forever be doomed to repeating the same mistakes.  I would say that the goingson in the last several months is not my fault, however as a friend of mine once said, "We are all 100% responsible for our 50% of the relationship."  This also applies to friendships as well.

I just wish that the other 50% would just talk to me instead of severing friendships without notice. 

I'm pretty sure that eventually I will be okay.  I have no money for a counselor or a therapist and honestly I am not sure that would do much good.  I have to work this out on my own, just like I do every time I get down and out like this.  I do, however, wish that death would come peacefully in the night....

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

An Update...

I spend so much time writing blogs, doing research for the two show I'm a part of that I hardly get the chance to write here anymore. 

The shows are going well although I have found myself slipping behind in my blogs for Erosion Factory. I didn't even get the ones out for this week, and although that's a bad mark on my part, I know that I will get to them when I have the time. Today, though I am taking time to write about myself.  I don't think that's too much to ask....

Raven is doing well. It's summer break, finally, and she is loving not having to go to school. I swear that this district is the last in the nation to take summer break.  They only get six weeks and begin the next school year in the middle of August.  But no matter. She's on break right now, and that's all that she cares about.

I've been really depressed the last several months.  I'm not quite sure why, exactly, but some of it might have to do with being lonely so much. I don't really have any in the way of friends that I spend a lot of time with, except for Falcon, and even then, usually it's only to see him before I take him to work. So rarely do we spend any friend time together.  I'm not even sure I know what that means anymore.  I don't have any female friends to spend any friend time with.  And again, I have no idea what that really means. 

I've been in a place of spiritual awareness, and realizing that I have gone back to my religious roots.  Don't worry. I'm not going on a bible thumping spree anytime soon, but lately I have been wondering if I'm on the right path or not.  Honestly, who knows.  But I do know that something has to change or else I'm going to continue on this emotionally self-destructive path.  I have no idea what it's like to laugh at something funny.  What is funny anyway?

I'm working part time for a background screening company. I enjoy the job for various reasons.  It's flexible, laid back and I've even gotten to start taking work home with me, mostly so that I can be home for Raven during the summer weeks when I'm not able to send her to the Club.  It's been nice and I couldn't ask for a nicer boss or coworkers.

This blog spent several days in "draft" form and I'm just now coming back to it. I've edited some things, but the gist of the blog remains the same. I haven't been able to kick these blue feelings and I fear that if I am not able to do something about it that it might end up disastrous.  No, I don't plan on checking out early, but emotionally this has had a horrible effect.  I've gained a lot of weight and it's just dragging me down even further.  Sure, I could maybe do something about it, but the motivation just isn't there.....

I'm sure this is just a phase, but honestly, the blue phases haven't ever lasted quite so long and I would really like to find a way to clear the negative energy.  I know I'll be okay in the end, but I fear how much damage my state of mind might be doing to Raven. I'm not motivated to get out of the house too often, not even to get her out to the park, although we did go for a short while the other evening.  I know she enjoyed that.

Monday, February 1, 2016


It's been a while since I wrote in this blog, but then again, I have been extremely busy.  For almost three months I have been involved with Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I'm pretty sure I posted a link to it in a previous blog, so I won't go into that too much here.  Needless to say that you can find it on Facebook (come on, I know ya'll know how to search that out.. lol).  But, my contribution has gotten more involved, I even have another blog that you might enjoy.  (Or not, if you really hate music THAT much).  Click here to read what I've been doing over there.  Don't forget to please vote in the poll.  It's so hard to get people to vote in polls.  Not sure why.  The poll will be a monthly thing and the questions will change and get more interesting and hopefully more fun.  I started out with something easy for now though.

Let's see...  I'm not sure if there is anything more that's going on.  My life doesn't change too much.  Well, I did go to Sacramento to see a few bands over this past weekend.  Diego's Umbrella and Abney Park.  Never heard of the former, but I've been a mild fan of the latter for a while now.  Let's just say that I'm really a huge fan of both now.  If you've never seen them before, then you really should do so.  They are wonderful, especially for those of you in the steampunk scene. 

I had to drive in the worst rain storm ever going over the hill.  It was scarier than anything else I have ever driven in, even the snow storm in Wyoming where the snow was blowing across the road and freezing everything.  But, Raven and I made it okay and we lived to tell the story. 

I'm still waging war on being single, but if the truth be told, there will never be anyone like Falcon.  If I could find someone with all of his good points and none of the gaming (video games) then I would be the happiest girl on the planet.  I'm sure he's out there somewhere.... probably not here, though. 

I have another interview this Friday for the same company that didn't hire me the first time.  If I am being interviewed by the same ladies as before, then at least I will know what to expect this time around.  Perhaps it will go better.  The trouble is that it is scheduled for fifteen minutes after I get off work.  I'm going to have to zoom quickly to be there on time.  Wish me luck!

I'm pretty sure that's all the updates for now.  Be sure to tune in Wednesdays from 3-7pm PST for the show.  I'm getting better at it....

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Another End in Sight....

This year is coming to a close.  So much has happened that I haven't had the opportunity to write about.  Falcon and I are no longer together, although we are very good friends.  I know it's for the best, but even know, several months later, it still hurts like Hell. 

I am part of Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I have been since day 1 and I freaking love it!  The show is a four hour long program which has interviews about everything from horror movies to musical guests, artists and so much more.  My segment, The Onyx Music Moment, discusses albums that are coming out that week along with local shows that are happening and other little bits that I think listeners might find interesting. 

If you want to be a part of the ever-growing crowd that listens, please visit Beyond The Dawn Studios.  They have an amazing lineup of shows including music from independent artists when they aren't doing shows.  The show airs on Wednesdays from 3pm to 7pm Pacific time and re=airs on Saturdays from 4pm to 8pm Pacific in case you can't be with us on Wednesdays. It's an amazing show hosted by Jimmie Jones.  I've found out some amazing things while researching and listening to the other segments of this show. 

I've also come across some amazing new music from bands and artists I did not know existed.  I would also invite any bands/artists who might be reading this to submit their music to the show for exposure.  Send me a private message and I'll send you the email to submit your music. If you have friends who are in bands that need exposure, please feel free to share this link with them as well.  We welcome all genres of music because that's how we roll!

Let's see, what else has happened this year.  I worked briefly for the post office.  I quit for a multitude of reasons.  Instead, I found a nice desk job in a warehouse that sells used laptop computer parts, cell phones, and that sort of thing.  I don't make as much as the post office, but the personal benefits are worth more to me than money. 

I've reconnected with old friends this year. That was really nice. 

I'm also lonely as Hell.  I don't get out very much anymore.  I don't have a lot going for me other than the online radio show.  I don't get out to sing hardly at all, and I really miss it.  The last time I went singing, Raven's dad was in town for her birthday.  That was toward the beginning of this month.  I might have gone once since then, but I can't recall at the moment.  I'm also tired of being alone.  I don't mind being by myself.  I have plenty to do, but I would love to spend my time with a companion.  You know, like a boyfriend.  Falcon is a great friend, but it is evident that we will never be together again.  For me, that is very sad even though I know that it is for the best.  He is just happy being single, playing video games and going to karaoke when he likes.  I have other needs and wants that I would like fulfilled by someone special.  And before anyone remarks that I'll find love when I'm not looking... I already know that, but there's no harm in putting my desires out to the Universe.

I have a few New Year's resolutions this year.  I've already started most of them.  First, I wanted to get more exercise because I'm not getting what I used to get at the post office.  I've been walking three miles a day when weather permits.  Raven goes with me because we both need to get out into the fresh air more.  I have also started creating events for Raven and I to do on weekends.  At least once a weekend. I don't want our weekends to be a constant state of staying home watching movies all day.  That's what we did mostly today, and I about died.  I get cabin fever easily.

Otherwise, I guess nothing much happened.  I guess there wasn't as much as I thought. 

Hopefully, next year will be much better..... be sure to tune into Erosion Factory Radio Show!