Prepping for the Journey

Getting time off work is a challenge for me.  There are only three of us in my department.  That isn't to say that the guys are opposed to covering for me, but that means that no one will really get a day off for the next 6 days.  I've done it for each of them, more than once.  I think payback is in order. :)

I've already got most of my stuff packed and ready to go.  I'll be taking some pillows, too.  Who knows what my dad has out there with him.  He lives on ten acres in the middle of nowhere outside Reno.  When I was a kid, we lived in a suburb called Silver Knolls, and back in the day THAT was in the middle of nowhere.  Now, there are industrial buildings and a small shopping plaza with a pizza place and a salon.  The place where we used to ride out bikes we lovingly called "the pits" is now filled with warehouses of all sorts.  There used to be just one, JC Penny.  Now, one cannot go through the short cut way, through the pits to get to the other side, that I know of.  My dad lives way beyond Silver Knolls.

There are times when I fear that even that region will one day become a minor metropolis, not that any of the current residents will ever agree to that.  They live out there because they want to get away from civilization and live in a quiet, peaceful area of the world.  And, they do.  It is very quiet there. I have yet to spend a night there, but I think that being able to see a full sky of stars once more will be just what I need to once again feel connected to the universe.  I haven't seen that since the last time I lived in Silver Knolls... 20 years or more ago.

Gas will be a pain, but well worth the trip.  I plan on seeing many friends while I am there.  I also plan on going out with my brother.  He called me up specifically and said, "Let's do something while you're here!"  I can't wait. Perhaps we shall go play some black jack or something.  I haven't done that in two years, either.

I can say that even though I am looking forward to seeing my immediate family, I am not looking forward to seeing my extended family.  They have never really enjoyed my company, and I have never really known why.  It might be simply because I enjoyed being a little different when I was younger.  I always wore black.  My dad thought I had joined a cult or something.  I just laughed and said no.  My family doesn't really know the true meaning of individual expression.

That's ok, though.  I have plenty of friends that I will see while I am there, and they will all be glad to see me.  If I thought I could get a good paying job and an inexpensive place to live, I would probably move back.  There is nothing for me in Boise, really.  How I got here is a long story for another blog... maybe.

Anyway, so I'll be leaving work early today so I can finish getting things ready.  I have to clean out my car, finish packing and attempt to clean my house a little.  I need to clean Neelix's cage as it is really stinking something fierce.  Which reminds me, I need to get a new package of bedding.  That's probably why I haven't cleaned it in a while.. lol...poor thing.....

While I'm in Reno I'll be picking up some post cards for my soldiers.  I figured, why the heck not, as long as I'm traveling, I should go ahead and do it.  A few of the other Angels are making post card books for their soldiers.  What a lovely idea.  Perhaps I will do that in the future.  For now, some friends of mine are making hand-crafted Valentine's for my soldiers.  I sent off some Valentine's Day cards for another angel or three.  I really enjoy doing this.  I can't wait to send off the Valentine's care package to my soldier.  I hope he enjoys them.  Anyway, it seems I am going off on a tangent....

I'll leave you for now with a nifty little quote I found on the internet:

"While we honor all our mothers
With words of love and praise
While we tell about their goodness
And their kind and loving ways
We should also think of grandma
She's a mother, too, you see
For she mothered my dear mother
As my mother mothers me!"

Author Unknown

Have a  most wonderful day and remember to give your Grandmother a hug or a call.  You never know when the last time is when you'll see them.

::end transmission::

Pondering Death.....

I've spent a good portion of my life moving.  Most of us move several times in a lifetime unless you're my dad, then you go into the Navy, do a tour in Vietnam, then come home and never move anywhere else.  No problem.  Some people are like that.  As for me, I can't seem to stay in one place for more than a few years and in some cases, a few weeks.  I didn't even grow up your typical military brat.  Dad was out of the military long before I came along.  But, this blog isn't him.

On Tuesday I will be traveling once again back to the home town.  If you've read previous blogs, you know that my beloved grandmother passed away a few days ago.  Yes, she was aged, but she was otherwise healthy and the family was blindsided by this tragedy.  And yes, it was a tragedy.  She was an amazing woman who did more than even I know.  Unfortunately, we weren't that close because I moved around a lot.  I do remember, and hopefully will always remember, her stories about her previous family.  She was an only child.  Her mother was widowed when she was just a baby.  Her dad died in a train accident.  He was a train driver.. engineer I believe they call them.

My grandmother served in the Navy.  I think, if I recall correctly, she worked in a mail department or something like that, delivering letters and things of that nature.  It was very different for the women of the armed forces back in her day.  That is how she met my grandfather, may he rest in peace.  I'm sure he can, too, knowing that they have been reunited.  They were together 60 years before he crossed over.

My coworkers have been very supportive of my need to be with my family.  My aunt died last January and I wasn't able to be there.  We weren't close at all, and I found her rather grating on the nerves, but no one should have to die so young or so badly.  Pancreatic cancer I believe it was.  I told myself that I was NOT going to miss my grandmother's funeral even if I had to quit my job in order to be there.

I am a little bit nervous.  I haven't seen any of my family in nearly two years.  Not since I left Nevada to go to Arkansas. (Something that is an embarrassment to my record) I am uneasy about seeing my dad.  We didn't leave on the best of terms, but he has agreed to allow Raven and I to stay with him while we are there.  It will suck, though because he lives in the middle of absolutely nowhere on ten acres.  My one great fear is that he will die out there alone and it will take weeks for anyone to find out.  My stepmother of course is with him, but what if she dies first?

I think I will admit to having that childlike mentality that I am going to live forever.  In my lifetime there have only been four people in my family to cross over.  An uncle, my aunt, and my dad's parents. All these on my dad's side.  No one on my mother's side has passed, although I think my mom's dad will soon go.  He's been hanging onto life by a thread and a massive amount of pharmaceuticals.  I've only met him twice, and he didn't seem like the tyrant my mother described.  I suppose that old age really can mellow a person out.  I won't be traveling all the way to D.C. to attend his funeral, though.

So, I have this childlike mentality about death... or, I did until I really started to ponder my own mortality.  I think it hits most people like a ton of bricks, but for me it pretty much hit me like a semi that I will die eventually, whether it be tomorrow by some jackass who hits me while I'm crossing the street, or cancer, old age, or in my grandmother's case, a broken heart.  I know there was another reason for her death, but she refused to see a doctor about her swollen leg.  I think she was simply ready to be with her husband again.  After he died, she was not the same.  I cannot blame her for wanting it all to be over with.  Some of her family treated her like dirt, and if I had ever seen that I would have defended her to the end.  It sucks that I have to be so far away.  I'm a crappy grandchild.

I don't want to die.  I also don't want to be old without all my faculties.  And, I refuse to be a vegetable.  So, if I happen to get into some car accident, please for the love of humanity, pull the damn plug!


Where are the vampires when you need them......

She was...

She was a wife and a mother and somebody's child
way back when
She was a Naval brave, a lover of life
the love of one man
She was a light, an inspiration, a homemaker
of three kin
She was devout to her God, and kind to her peers
of the Nile
She was quick to offer hugs, offer food, offer tales
of her life
She was classy, reserved, fun, and firm
to her kids' kids
She has gone to meet her love in the place where we go
when we pass
And one day when I go, I hope to be reunited
with she who is my Grandmother.....


Ok, I'm not very poetic, but these were the thoughts that came to me today.  She will be sorely missed by all who have survived her.  I know that wherever we do go, she and my Grandfather are finally together.

Feeling good

Yesterday was my day off.  It was awesome.  I got my first name for the Letter Writing Team, so along with the three post cards I sent to fellow Angels and the one that I sent to my adopted soldier, I also sent a letter to a Marine.  Actually, I sent not only a short letter, but I bought a Sunday paper and cut out some of the good comics, and also a really neat story about a Cascade girl who wrote a poem about Marines in general.  Since the soldier I was writing is a Marine, I thought it appropriate to forward it along.  Raven also colored a picture for him.  I think that one was a worm on a snail or something.  It was colorful anyway.


I am starting to feel a newfound love for life.  Yesterday I went to visit a friend that I haven't seen since Yule, and it was really great to talk to her.  She wasn't mad at me for the way I acted and if she was, she didn't say anything.  She is a very patient, understanding woman.  I talked to her about what I've been doing with the Soldiers' Angels, and she was really thrilled.  She was talking about doing one in the name of the TWV, and I thought that was wonderful.  I think that it will be a great thing for our group to do, but I will always do my own separate from them as well.  I've always been a loner that way.


I think also that a great kick start will be what we are doing this coming Wednesday.  A few of my friends from that group are going to get together to make handcrafted Valentine's cards for my adopted and his team.  I have no clue how many are in his team, but we'll make several dozen and see what happens from there.  I hope they enjoy them.  A little love goes a long way.  I'm hoping to half fill the box with Valentines.  It is going to be so hard not knowing how many to send.  I hope I don't leave anyone out.  That would suck.


Anywho, this whole thing has really gotten me feeling a bit better about my life, that I'm not just surviving for myself or for Raven.  And through caring for others, I have come to care a little bit more about myself. 


I like that.

New Teams

Yesterday I was pondering the letter I was going to send my soldier this week.  As it turned out, I also decided to join two more teams on the Soldiers' Angels website.  I joined the Cards Plus Team and the Letter Writing Team. The Cards Plus Team send extra cards to other Angels who have submitted requests, or I could also submit a request for a little extra for my soldier.  I might just do that one of these days.  I saw a few requests for state post cards, so I responded to the three requests for those.  I know that there are not a lot of Angels in Idaho, so getting Idaho post cards might be a bit difficult.  I also picked one up for my adopted soldier.  I hope he likes it.


The Letter Writing Team is a bit different.  I'll be getting three extra names per week to write. I only have to send them a letter once, but I will perhaps do more writing than that.  Keeping track of the names and addresses might become a bit more difficult, but I have been keeping a hard diary of my adventures with the SA.  I am very excited to get my first names.  


I have been pondering what I will send with the next care package to my adopted soldier.  Valentine's Day is coming up, but I didn't think it appropriate to send things like that.  I could be wrong, so we'll see.  Anyway, what I am going to send is a set of sheets.  I hear they like that and need them.  I'll also send some coffee, and a metal large-mouthed water bottle. I hear they are great for heating beverages on the engine of the hummer.. lol  I might just get a jump on St. Patty's Day and send a few trinkets.  I've also ordered some Girl Scout Cookies for him.  I assume that they will take a few months to get here.  If anyone has any ideas to add, feel free to post in the comments section.


Going through the SA forums, I've found some really great ideas on stuff to send the soldiers as far as letters go.  I guess I'll be buying a newspaper on Sundays to get my hands on the comics.. hehe... Erika has colored some more pictures out of her coloring books and also drawn some of her own work as well.  I'm not the most eloquent of writers, but I figure I'll get better as time goes by.  


There are a ton of really great teams on the SA website.  Most of them involve baking or sewing or drawing, which I'm not really great at any of those things. I'll probably get more adventurous and make some home made cookies or something for my soldier.  Cookies are nice... 


Perhaps I will dust off my Adobe Photoshop skills and send some manipulated artwork.  Only time will tell......

I can't stop.

He went his way and I went my way, but throughout the years we have never really lost touch.  An email here and there or a yahoo chat, texting, facebook chats ( I love those).  We both made choices that brought us to where we are today.  (Well duh, don't we all?)

He's the only one who I ever really connected with.  He's the only one who helped me to be someone really great... esteem, confidence, positive outlook.  Even I was amazed at the things we accomplished together, when we were together.

I have done a lot of living in the past.  I think about the before time when things were awesome. I came across some pictures of us at the river, downtown, Las Vegas, parties.  I remember how much fun we used to have.

We're older now (not by much) and he is down in California and I'm up here in Idaho. We continue to text and talk on the phone and chat via FB.  I miss him so much that it brings tears to my eyes.  I'm sure he doesn't feel the same way.  He's the one that did the leaving.

There are times when I wish I could stop thinking about him.  But I can't stop.  I can't help but remember times at karaoke.  Running to his arms to meet him when he showed up... dancing at club....  walks just to take pictures.... him doing my makeup....long conversations about nothing....  getting dressed in our gothiest best just to go singing at a dive bar.......

He's so outgoing.  I'm not so much outgoing.  I will never forget the time we got kicked out of the club that we ended up having Dewm Fest in several months later.. LOL..  He had gotten us in for free by performing one of his tricks, and we sat at the bar and got to know a fellow military man who was wasted beyond anything I'd seen in a long time.  I had taken a lot of pics that night.  I had put together a collage of this guy and somehow it got into the hands of the owner and he didn't take too kindly to it, so he 86'd us. LOL.. thank goodness that the bars/clubs in that city change hands like people change socks.

So many good times... so many good times that vastly outweighed the bad times.  Can I forget that he had cheated on me with his so-called assistant?  Can I forget that he dated half the club regulars after we split up?  Perhaps.  Those days were so long ago.  I really don't like holding grudges.  Life is too short not to forgive.  I would also hoped to be forgiven of my trespasses.. not that I ever cheated, but I'm sure I did plenty to warrant sour feelings.

I am currently making plans to go see him.  It's a 17 hour drive.  I am really looking forward to the visit.  Since I can't seem to talk him into coming up here.  He always has some excuse, valid as they may be.  I've tried talking him into moving up here, but no dice. He is happy where he is, doing magic and whatnot.  I guess when I get back from seeing him I will have to ask myself if I really belong in Idaho.  I've never really felt at home here.  No one here really understands me like he did.

I suppose on the flip side of that, I will find out exactly how he feels.  If I can handle being around him, with all his adoring fans.  Have I truly changed.....

I miss him.  I love him.  I don't think I ever stopped loving him.

When will this pain end..... I can't stop............

First of many..

I sent my soldier his first letter and care package today.  Nothing too special, some coffee, chocolates, a sewing kit and a teddy bear that Raven thought would help ward away bad dreams.  There were other things included in the list, but I didn't feel the need to give the whole list.  Not sure if he'll like everything or not, but I got some great new ideas for next care package.  I think I'll include a calling card among other things.  I had no idea what to write about so I just told him a little bit about myself.  What do guys overseas really want to hear about anyway.  I have no clue, but I'm sure I'll get some great ideas from the Angels forums.  

Until next time... 

Stay strong

Stay brave

Stay free...

Saturdays

If you are new to my blog, I'll go ahead and give you some background into my job. I work in a call center sitting in a room chatting in chat rooms the whole day. By the time I get home, I just want to chop my hands off at the wrist. My fingers hurt, my arms ache and my eyes feel like jelly. No big deal, really. Saturdays are usually the worst, though because I work from open to close by myself in this room. Usually there is one other guy working with me.

Today was especially bad as I got one of our sister sites unloaded on me with zero notice. Our supervisor didn't let us know at all. Granted, we were covered for something similar by this site several weeks ago, but they were given notice. It's no big deal, just thoughtless of our supervisor to just do this all of a sudden.

So now instead of the three rooms, I'm watching six rooms. My saving grace is that I have gotten a lot of compliments from the other site's teams. I haven't smiled or laughed this much in a while, so I guess everything turns out ok in the end after all. I also get to listen to my music, which really helps.

I guess I've got nothing to complain about after all. Thanks for reading...

End transmission....

Make it End!

Oh, the pain. I'm not sure what I did to my left hand other than MAYBE hooping too much, if there is such a thing, or perhaps I type too much, which is way more plausible. It hurts to stretch my fingers or snap my fingers or even hold things heavier than a pound it seems. It feels as though I've bruised the inside of the palm of my hand, and I'm not sure how to fix it. I tried to ice it, heat it, massage it. Nothing has helped. I guess it is just a matter of time.

In other news, there is no other news....

End transmission.

Random Things About Me

Nothing special ever really happens on Thursdays. I work, I pick up my daughter from the sitter then I go home. I'm still at work right now, so my day is almost over, but not quite. I sit in a room and type in a chat room all day. Believe me, it's not as awesome as it sounds, but it pays the bills for now.

Tonight is "First Thursday", which for those of you who don't live where I do, it is a downtown event of free art museums, wine tasting, and other cultural events. I haven't really gone on purpose yet because I am too busy with work, but since my sitter has been picking up my daughter from daycare on Thursdays, I have been to a coffee shop during First Thursday where her husband reads short fictional stories. I had the honor of hearing his work last month, and I must say that his writing is intense and wonderful. He is majoring in English at his university, and he's almost done. I'm sure his wife is really happy about that as well.

I don't know if I'll be staying for First Thursday tonight. I want to get home and do some hooping. Yes, one of my new hobbies is hoop dancing, which right now is more like spasmatic body hiccups, but it's getting better. I hope to have the basics of some of the tricks down by the end of the month. At least I can keep the hoop up for longer than three revolutions now. I love hooping so much.

I also have to work tomorrow which makes for little time in participating in First Thursday events. No matter. There is plenty of hooping at home to keep me busy, oh, and Netflix. I've been streaming L&O:SVU from beginning to end and I'm on season 9. Two more season left then I can move on to something else. haha.. yeah, I'm not hardly obsessed.

I haven't yet purchased the items for my soldier's care package yet. I get paid tomorrow. I thought about starting off with a letter first, then a care package in a few weeks. The Soldiers' Angels website said that the soldier might not be able to write back, so I'll end up guessing his likes, needs and wants until he does write back, if ever. No biggie if he doesn't. It makes me feel better to know that I am making a difference.

I told my daughter about our soldier and she got really excited. She can't wait to draw pictures to send. I am looking forward to writing letters. I haven't handwritten a letter in forever because it hurts to write, but I am so willing to do this. Perhaps Raven and I will sit down tonight and draft a letter.

Until next time,

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."

Henry Ford

A New Year Dawns

It is the dawn of a new year, and I am looking forward to it very much. I begin this year alone, much like I did last year, but the catch is that I will actually stay alone for much if not all of this year. I do not look upon this as a sad event, but one that I can truly be okay with. I won't have anyone there to talk me out of my tax return this year.. lol

This year brings a few changes. I've decided to make some healthy changes to my lifestyle. Eating right is the obvious change. It hasn't been the best so far, but I am slowly making progress on that front. I have also taken up hoop dancing. I'm hardly any good at it, but like everything else in my life, it is coming along nicely.

My daughter, who we'll call Raven, turned 5 in December. She is such a sweet, outgoing, beautiful girl. Growing up a bit too fast, perhaps, but sometimes not fast enough.

Raven and I have taken to hoop dancing together. She is really good for a girl her age. She an do tricks that I can't even dream of doing yet. She's such an inspiration. This is after she picked up a hula hoop in Toys R Us, tried it once, failed, and said she never wanted another hoop again.. lol...

I only have a few goals this year.... lose weight, eat better and spend more time with Raven. She's worth ever minute spent. And I mean actual quality time, not just trips to the movies. I am thinking of taking her to a museum sometime in the near future or perhaps to the library and get her a library card or something. That way we can read books together. She loves to pretend to read her stories to her stuffed animals.

We are also taking on a project together. I adopted a soldier today. Our commitment is to write one letter per week and send one care package per month. I used to send Mike stuff when he was overseas and also to another friend of mine. I decided that adopting a soldier who may not have family or friends to send him anything was a great idea and something that Erika and I can do together. I'm sure she will enjoy picking things out for our soldier. Perhaps I will be able to talk her into drawing a picture or two.

There are a lot of things that I plan on doing with Raven as far as community service goes. I am tired of constantly thing about myself. I have had to do that for the better part of most of my adult life just to survive, but I'm a lot more stable financially and home and all around life, so I think it is time to give something back. Besides, I have three days off during the week, and I'm tired of spending them at home. The winter months are rough for me because I like to be outside, but I can't stand the cold weather. Some of the stuff I am considering doing is putting in some time at a local food bank, visiting some senior citizens, volunteering at a soup kitchen, things like that. I think that Erika will benefit greatly from these experiences, and so will I.

That's about all I have for today. I'll try to keep this blog updated more often. I write in so many places it is hard to keep track.

I feel really good about 2011. That perhaps I can make a difference in someone's life and they in mine. Happy New Year!