2020 Update

This year was not quite what I expected it to be.  It was supposed to be there year of 2020 vision, which thanks to Lasik surgery, I got.  I ended up having to have my right eye redone, but all in all, I see very well now without glasses.  And oh, how my sunglasses collection has grown.

I'm not going to go through all the ways in which the Covid-19 pandemic has screwed me over because honestly, I haven't been that much affected by it.  In fact, I have been able to make more money this year than ever simply because of what I do, delivery for a restaurant downtown and driving for Uber/Lyft.  I will say that while the city was in quarantine, I delivered a great amount of food and I am grateful everyday that I did not have to go on unemployment.  I have a few friends that did and my heart goes out to them greatly.  

Let's see...what else has happened so far this year.  Not a whole lot, really.  I've been taking the time to get my debt paid down.  I've been working on my credit score and I'm trying to get things together to try to buy a house.  It isn't easy when one's primary income is based on self-employment and tips.  I might have to wait until next year.  *sigh*  maybe it will never happen.  I'm also planning on moving to Texas after Raven graduates high school to be closer to my mom.  Who knows what will change in that time.

Other than that, nothing much has changed.  I did stop the tap lessons about two months after I started.  My ankles just couldn't handle the pressure.  I bought a harmonica at the beginning of this year, but I haven't played much.  I've actually become something of a workaholic this year.  I'm just trying to hard to get the debt monkey off my back.  One day I'll be able to calm down a bit, and perhaps one day not drive for the other guys so much, but today is not that day.

Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

Plan Z

So, as of right now, I am going to implement the tertiary plan that I have designed.  This keeps me in my current job, but I'll be able to get more hours and possibly be able to make a halfway decent living wage.  At least, when it is the busy season.  I am not going to stop looking for a job in my field of study or at least something close to it.  Or, at least a job that will be of decent pay. 

I have calculated a potential income of what this tertiary plan would bring, and honestly, it would bring more than working full time at a job that paid less.  Although, to be fair, I would have to work a minimum of 30 hours per week in order for that to be true.  There are weeks when that simply doesn't happen.  Then there are other weeks when there are a lot more hours than anyone can actually handle and still remain healthy and sane.  I need these hours, though, in order to begin paying student loans that are due and try to save money for a bigger place. Raven keeps asking when she's going to get her own room.  It's just not going to happen right now.

Such is the lot I drew for myself when I quit my job at the call center to take this position nearly three years ago.  Wow! Has it been that long already? Almost, but not quite.

Everything seems to be crashing down around me, and not bits at a time, but in whole chunks.  I would have been okay if it not for that alternator going out a few days ago.  But, now my account is severely overdrawn, I'm still not getting any real hours at work.  The hours that I will be getting paid for these past few weeks won't cover the overages in my bank account, so that leaves me with no gas money and no way to pay my water bill, which is already two months overdue.  If I had to choose an image to describe how I feel right now, it would be this:

My tertiary plan better work because if it doesn't... well, I don't want to think about what would happen if it doesn't work.

Please don't think that I am only focusing on the negative.  I am very much aware of all of the wonderful things I have to be thankful for.  Falcon, for instance.  He's been really amazing this past year.  Understanding, generous and kind.  Willing to listen and giving me a shoulder to lean on when I needed it most. 

And, of course Raven, who never seems to be out of ways to bring laughter into my life.  And, Falcon's life.  It is so funny watching them together and hearing him laugh at some of the strange things Raven says sometimes. 

I know that it can't rain all the time.  I look forward to the time when the sun shines once more.....

I Always Have a Plan...

....even if the plan doesn't quite work out the way I want.  I have not given up on the current plan, but I also have a backup just in case.  After that, I am not so sure. 

I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier.  I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing.  So, I haven't tested for that yet.  And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for.  I wonder about that sometimes.  How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?

It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work.  I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work.  And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again?  Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago.  But, it's not. 

And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind.  We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year.  He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do.  We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed.  It's not that far away, after all.  Perhaps I should do that.  Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc.  I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.

There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up.  But, we can't have that.  It's not in my nature.  Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Giving up, that is. 

I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that.  I wish I was more creative.  More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal.  I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc.  I wonder what's wrong with me.  Nothing, they'd say.  Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.
 

God, I'm getting too old for this. 

Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography.   I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while. 

I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......

When Enough is Certainly Enough!

I sometimes consider myself a normal individual.  I guess that depends on your definition of normal.  I'm a single mom.  I work.  I go to school online.  I have an awesome boyfriend without whom I would have become worse than a wreck a while ago.  I have family members who care about me and who have helped me time and again when I chose the wrong path in life more than thrice.  

But, these past few weeks have really tested my stress levels.  Work has been extremely busy.  I am a team lead where I work and I run a very specific set of stores who happened to need all of their stores nationwide done in September.  Obviously, I'm not working outside my district, but to give you an idea of how much work has been going on, I've been doing two stores a day, Monday through Friday for the last two weeks.  Because I don't work on weekends, my coworkers have been going with another team lead on Saturdays to knock out two stores as well.  There is at least one other team in my area also doing these runs on top of everything else.  Yes, it has been very busy.

So, Raven has been left home a lot in the mornings and afternoons.  We will just say that that strain has created a lot of stress for her at school, and I got into trouble for leaving her home alone before and after school.  Well, this was serious enough for me to nearly have to quit my job.  I fixed the after school issue, but the before school issue isn't as easily fixed.  There just isn't anything early enough on the days I work to take her to.  So, I have had to cut back on my hours significantly.  I'm not sure exactly what I am going to do because there isn't really much work for the hours that I am available for right now, and it is going to end up becoming even more stressful.

In addition to everything else, school work has fallen drastically behind.  Why am I then writing this?  Because I really need to get this out of my system and writing about it definitely helps.  It's therapy for me, so suck it.  This is the last week of the term, thank goodness, and it has come down to being the most behind in homework I have ever been.  It isn't because I was slacking off or doing other things.  Work has just kept me that busy.  Well, because everything that happened with me getting into trouble, I had to take today and Friday off, and yesterday, too.  I did manage to get a bit done, and I will be diving straight into it after I finish this.

I am not liking this imbalance that has crept up into my life.  I am a huge fan of balance, but for now there is a great imbalance.  Raven and I had a short talk about not allowing oneself to never have personal time.  I have done the best I an to make sure that she has her own space in the house we live in, which is a one-bedroom.  I have begun to create her art space out in one of the sheds.  So far it is looking great.  But, what about my personal space?  I'm a strong individual, but there are times when even I need to have space to be alone to cry in peace and cleanse my soul.  Even the strongest of people need that time to themselves.  Who do the strong lean on in their time of need?

Right now my shoulder to cry on has been Falcon.  If it weren't for him and his nonjudgmental nature, I would have crumbled or probably been arrested by now.  He never made me feel bad or told me that I should have known better (even though I know I should have known better) and he has always been on my side.  He's just that kind of man.  I am very fortunate to have him in my life.

So, knowing that all things pass in time, I have done what I can to fix the issues, and I have to move on from here.  I am not going to ask what else could go wrong because the Universe would certainly let me know!

School, Health and Halloween

Well, Raven is in school and the first week was interesting.  We tried very hard to get some sort of routine going, but with my work schedule it just isn't possible to get anything concrete.  I will be very glad when school is over for me and I am able to get a more regular job, even if that job requires me to work graveyard shift.  At least it will be something more stable.  At least, that is the hope. But, I can say that she is finally able to get to and from school without help.

I could not do much of this without Falcon's help.  He has been there for me whenever I have needed him.  Whether it be an ear for me to vent to, or a body to wrap weary arms around, or to help me smile with his silly jokes.  He and Raven get along really well, and even though I suspect that she tries his patience once in a while, they have really started to bond a little.  At least, that is what it looks like to me. 

I am so close to finishing this degree that I can almost taste it.  Only two more terms after this one, and I will be so very ready to not have to do homework everyday.  I am grateful for a week's break between the current and next term.  My work schedule has also tripled as of this week, at least for the next three weeks, so getting everything done, spending time with Raven AND having some personal time is going to be difficult.  Falcon has got to be one of the most patient men I have ever known, and he has had to remind me occasionally of where my priorities actually lay and that he cannot be at the top of the list no matter how much I want him to be, right after Raven, of course. 

Health has to come first.  So far, I have been able to maintain somewhat free of colds and such.  I usually get really sick at least once per year. I hope not to this year.  Next comes Raven.  And then comes homework.  THEN comes Falcon.  Well, yeah. That seems kind of harsh, but as long as everyone/thing on the list gets their turn, then I'm good with that.  Raven has also been very understanding about homework and such that I have to get done before we can spend time together.

I will say that I have been putting some things off until the next day in order to spend more time with my family.  On Friday night Falcon took Raven and I to the Reno Ace's ballgame and we watched them beat the Vegas 51s.  It was a good game.  I hadn't been to an Ace's game for several years.  Not since I lived here last time and the park was not downtown at that point.  I had a really great time, but of course came home to a mound of homework that didn't get finished.  It doesn't matter to me. I need to try to keep balance in order.  I fear that the balance is going to become unbalanced this coming week.

Work has been going well even if it has been slower for me. I told my boss that I am not willing to work nights or weekends because I am not willing to pay for daycare for this job.  It is so chaotic that working at night would mean high daycare fees and I don't even want to get started with weekend rates!  So, for me the hours have been sparse, which is good for getting homework done, but not so much so for the pocketbook.  Lame, isn't it?  We work like dogs to make money, but don't have the time to spend it.  Or we have lots of time on our hands and no money to spend.

I do have my favorite holiday coming up soon.  Halloween.  For most of the nation it isn't considered a "holiday", but for me it's also Nevada Day.  I remember getting October 31st off every year from school because it's the day Nevada became a state.  I guess the powers that be have decided to mutilate this day into a three-day weekend like Labor Day (Why the heck do we celebrate that anyway?) or Memorial Day.  But otherwise, it's the most awesome time of the year.  Get dressed up, take Raven trick-or-treating.  Remember ancestors who have passed on.  It is Day of the Dead time after all.  When I lived in Reno last time, we threw a huge Halloween party. I live on that same property, and I am considering having another party.  Who knows, though.  We'll see.

My birthday was on the 29th.  It was a decent day.  I went to karaoke with Falcon which was nice.  I don't usually celebrate my birthday, but when I do, it's usually going out to sing.  I think next year I am going to throw a huge party, though.  It's a milestone birthday, and I want it to be excessively awesome.  Falcon's birthday is coming up in less than a week. I want to do something really awesome for him, but the thing I wanted to do isn't going to happen because I have to work on the night that it was going to happen.  Soooo... I don't know what's going to go down now.  He doesn't really like big parties, and he doesn't like surprises, but neither of that is going to stop me from attempting to do something sweet.

I suppose that is it for now. 

::endtransmission::

Mental Stress and Kung Fu

As I write this, it is snowing lightly.  Really??! Umm.. Hey! Momma Nature, it's spring, didn't You know?  Please adjust accordingly, thanks!

Now that that's out of the way, I can continue writing about all the things going on in my life currently.  And boy howdy, there are a lot. 

I started a new job in December.  I work for an inventory service company as an inventory specialist.  That's a glorified way of saying that I count stuff for a living.  It pays crappy, and the hours are part time, but it was either that, or go nuts on the phones at the call center.  Oh yeah, that's right. I never blogged about my job there after I went back onto the phones.. lol..

To make a really long story short, I got promoted to the Senior level for their inaugural launch of the department.  I even got A.C.M.T. certified for this job on the company's dime.  (No, I will not fix your Mac) I struggled with the job for several weeks and finally got my stats where they should be and then some, but the mental strain was horrific.  The breaking point came when I got stuck on a three hour long phone call with a woman who called me every name in the book even after I went above and beyond to help her with her 17 email addresses.  (My job is to make sure that the mail program works, that's it.)  My supervisor had gotten on the phone to listen to this woman berate me time and time again.  I finally hung up on her after ten too many times of swearing at me.  Needless to say, I called off work the next day.  I went back the day after that, but the call just wouldn't go away.  It haunted me for another few weeks and I finally decided that my sanity was more important than the money I was making.  I worked at that company for three years and eight months in four different departments.  I was very proud of what I accomplished there, but it was time to move on.

So, my new job is mindless and I don't have to work with the public in any way, shape, or form unless it is to tell them that I don't work for the store we are counting.  I'm very polite and professional when it comes to that because I've been there before, the one asking where the laundry soap is to a merchandiser who doesn't work for the store.  No big deal.

Raven, my beautiful Raven.  Due to other circumstances, she has gone to live with a friend of mine and her family for a while.  She has been there since last June.  She is thriving and even made student of the month and student of the week in the school she is in.  She is in first grade now and still as smart as ever with the personality to match!  I miss her dearly, but for the time being, I know that she is in the place she needs to be to get the best care that she can get.  I am just grateful to have friends willing to help me out in the difficult time that I was and am still having.

I had to move out of my apartment due to financial reasons (this was before I quit my job at the call center) and I moved into a house with five other roommates.  Five??  Yeah. It's not the best living situation especially when you consider that there are two bathrooms, but only one working shower, so getting in when I need to isn't always easy, but I make due.  I did spend a short bit of time looking for a new place, but decided that I couldn't afford it at the present time, so for now I'm staying here. 

I mentioned in a previous blog that I joined a gym several months ago and I am proud to say that between working out and my new job, which is physically demanding, I have lost about fifteen pounds. I have another 15 or so go go before I reach my first goal and then another 20 after that to reach my target weight.  Honestly, I think I am doing really well, all things considered.

Guess who is back in school!  Yes, yours truly.  Ever since I quit the Business program at Kaplan I have been wanting to go back, but was putting it off and putting it off.  One of my friends encouraged me to go back so I did some research on majors.  I was so tired of seeing the same old crap....business, psychology, human resources, etc. I wanted to be in a field that was semi-different.  Yes, we all know how I like to be "different".  My top two majors have always been forestry and forensic science.  I did my research on forestry, which I could have taken, but I would have had to move to a town five hours away, and I really didn't want to do that.  While I was researching the colleges that provided online education (campus college just wasn't in the cards for me) I came across Criminal Justice with an emphasis on forensic science.  Sweet!  So, that's what I'm studying now.  My first class opened up today, but doesn't officially start until Monday.  I am nervous, excited, scared and enthused all at the same time.  So, in other words, I'm still in chaos..lol.. I don't think that will ever change.

In the words of Styx "I've got too much time on my hands.." was a mantra that was definitely the case before, but certainly not now.  My works hours are sporadic at best and never the same times of day, etc, so I have had to start relying on my not-so-smart smartphone and it's calendar to help me keep track of work times and such.  I've entered in all of my blocks of time that I have set aside for school, which I know will be a lot more than what I have put in, but it's a start.  I have also set aside blocks of personal time.  If I don't get that, I'll go nuts. 

I have also started the Hundred Hours Project to which I encourage everyone to join in on.  Yes, I will always put the link for the project in all of my blogs that pertain specifically to it because I believe that it is a worthy endeavor. My acquaintance that runs it is an awesome person and I appreciate her bring this project to light.  My project is going to be returning to Wing Chun Kung Fu.  Now I have the motivation to get it done, no excuses.  I have had to schedule that in along with school and other personal time, but now I don't have too much time on my hands... My first class back will be next Thursday as the days before are filled with work at the times the studio holds its classes. But, I will be starting!

Wow! I think that's it for now.  Really?  And, look at that!  It quit snowing.  I may actually get into the garden area once or twice again before the end of next week.  That's something I started up again the other day when the weather was really nice.  I love gardening, but those who have been following me for a while already know that.  Pics to come, of course.

So really, that is it for now.  Stay tuned for more updates and chaotic ramblings from the mind of one Onyx of DarkLite....

Out of Control Spiral

I know we've all been there, but I am going to blog about this anyway because blogging helps me get the chaos into some semblance of order.  I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.  No, it's not a drug spiral although sometimes I feel like that would be easier. Ok, not really.

Anyone who has been following my blogs knows that I work some pretty funky hours.  During the time that I'm not working I volunteer at the VA hospital and I do volunteer work with Soldiers' Angels.   Someone told me to be careful that I didn't spread myself too thin with everything that I'm doing.  I thought that I was doing great, and in the beginning, I was.  I was motivated to write letters, put together care packages, send out post cards and all that wonderful stuff that goes along with being an "angel".  Don't get me wrong. I still LOVE being a Soldiers' Angel, but there are times when I feel unmotivated to do much.

I think the real reason I am feeling so very down is because my apartment is STILL a mess.  I have also been working tirelessly on my costume for the midsummer festival.  A lot of people have helped me work on and pay for the components for the costume.  Pictures to come.  I don't feel like I deserve all the help that my friends have given me for this.  I guess I have a hard time dealing with that because I have always been the one to do everything for myself, whether I have friends or not, in a relationship or not.  I suppose that is another story.

I dropped the ball the other day with a project that I was going to try to help out with.  I ended up not being able to go and do what I said I was going to do, and that really irritates me.  I didn't keep the line of communication open and even though it looks like the project will still go forward, I still feel bad about dropping the proverbial ball.

The Midsummer festival is this Sunday so after that I won't have to worry about my costume anymore.  Actually, my part in the construction is finished.  The only thing left is the wings, and my friend working on them will be done by Sunday so I'm not worried so much about it.  They are looking great.  I can't wait for the festival.  It will be so much fun.

Ok, so I know that I'm not feeling very good because my apartment isn't clean.  I know that I had gotten all excited about doing spring cleaning a few weeks ago, but I never got around to finishing it.  I have loads and loads of laundry to do and even though I weeded my garden a few days ago, it needs it again already.

Some of you might say that I need to take a break and take some time for myself.  Well, I already did that when I went to Utah.  I put all my SA stuff on hold for the most part.  I also think that is the reason that I'm not feeling as together.  I am now having to regain the momentum that I once had.  It's not as easy as I thought it would be.  But, no matter.

I think I'll end with that.  Thanks for reading.

::endtransmission::