The last several months have been an internal nightmare for me. Depression has set in more than usual. Several factors have contributed to this latest journey into the abyss.
Firstly, I work in an environment where it is sometimes hostile, sometimes not. I'm sure that I'm the only one who feels this way. As thick as my skin is, I often see more than is really there, but no matter how hard I try to be nice to people, attempt to talk, and have conversations, those around me pay me little to no attention at all. And, unfortunately, the words that do end up leaving my mouth bypass the filter so I usually end up offending someone or sounding like an absolute idiot. So why even bother. In order to avoid this, I plug in my earbuds and listen to music all day.
This does not mean that I am oblivious to that which goes on around me. So many times I hear conversations around me that are so hypocritical in nature, but I keep my mouth shut because why do I care? I am not one to allow words to have more power than they need. I do not get offended by words easily. Call me whatever you want. I couldn't care less. But when I hear what I hear, it really chaps my hyde to think that you get offended by something that I have said, but then turn around and mock others. It's innocent enough, and I don't care about that, but still... It's the hypocritical nature of the beast that irks me.
I also don't like being ignored. Another reason why conversation doesn't do me very good. I could interject here and there, but normally I haven't been invited to the conversation. Not that an open conversation requires an invitation, but I feel like such a scourge, a no one, a cypher if I may... nothing....
The second thing that has me really perplexed is that one of my friends, who I have know for over a decade, decided that we were no longer to be friends after I posted a response to something she had posted on Facebook. What I posted wasn't even offensive. Not to me, and not to anyone I spoke to about it after the fact. I cannot believe that she would up and sever our friendship without so much as a word. Why do people do this? While this isn't the first time, or even the second, that this has happened to me, it leaves me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
After all, there must be something. Did I say something? Did I do something? Are we just incompatible now? Did I not do enough to make you feel like I was your friend? A conversation in the very least would have at least been good form. But you know what? Screw me. I don't matter. Does anyone really matter?
So often I have contemplated ending it all. No One, and I mean NO ONE (except perhaps Raven) would even miss me. I wouldn't be a burden on my family anymore. I wouldn't be taking up precious oxygen that could be going toward those who deserve it more. If it seems like I'm am extremely self-degrading it's because my esteem couldn't possibly be any lower. No friends except those online and extremely far away, and even then, they are not really friends, but acquaintances no matter how much I enjoy chatting with them online. They are great people, but I fear that if we were to hang out, I would just end up offending them and they would end up severing the friendship eventually. Invariably it happens. When people tell me that I'm no good for years and years it tends to not just break me and leave me without the foundation to build myself back up. Am I hard on myself? Yes, I am. I believe we all are. I have very high expectations for myself and when I don't live up to them, I get upset with myself.
Everywhere I go, there I am and until I figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me, then I will forever be doomed to repeating the same mistakes. I would say that the goingson in the last several months is not my fault, however as a friend of mine once said, "We are all 100% responsible for our 50% of the relationship." This also applies to friendships as well.
I just wish that the other 50% would just talk to me instead of severing friendships without notice.
I'm pretty sure that eventually I will be okay. I have no money for a counselor or a therapist and honestly I am not sure that would do much good. I have to work this out on my own, just like I do every time I get down and out like this. I do, however, wish that death would come peacefully in the night....
Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failure. Show all posts
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Monday, August 24, 2015
Is It Too Soon...
... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out. If you don't wish to read this, please close the page. Thanks.
I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better.
I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring. So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories. I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it. The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.
What have I really done with my life? Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way. Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again. I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone. A lot of damage.
I'm basically unemployed. I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule. I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work. And they refused to work with me even though they said they would. They lied. I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me. So far, nothing. I have even begun looking for work outside the state. I am not sure if that will even work. I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.
I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place. It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream. No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.
I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together. I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done. It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now. Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together. More than once, I might add. I don't feel very good when I think about that. But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.
I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem. There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself. My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment. I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be. The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it. (Yes, I know how that sounds. Read previous warning.)
I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have. She told me I deserve a break. To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times. I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay. Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends. Time to have a social life. I made poor choices back then and lost all that. I've been trying to get something like that back ever since.
This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness. We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now. Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past. Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment.
So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do. When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living. I don't want to be that way. I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am. Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time.
I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming. It could require me to move with Raven out of state. It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere. I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier. I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place. I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him. But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.
I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus. I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool. I can't very well climb out of this hole with that.
I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way. He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again. Only to be lighted by another skylight. What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.
I'm not excited about turning 40. But, I cannot give up.
I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better.
I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring. So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories. I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it. The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.
I'm basically unemployed. I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule. I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work. And they refused to work with me even though they said they would. They lied. I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me. So far, nothing. I have even begun looking for work outside the state. I am not sure if that will even work. I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.
I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together. I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done. It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now. Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together. More than once, I might add. I don't feel very good when I think about that. But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.
I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem. There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself. My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment. I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be. The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it. (Yes, I know how that sounds. Read previous warning.)
I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have. She told me I deserve a break. To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times. I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay. Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends. Time to have a social life. I made poor choices back then and lost all that. I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness. We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now. Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past. Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment.
So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do. When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living. I don't want to be that way. I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am. Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time.
I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming. It could require me to move with Raven out of state. It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere. I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier. I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place. I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him. But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.
I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus. I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool. I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way. He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again. Only to be lighted by another skylight. What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.
I'm not excited about turning 40. But, I cannot give up.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Is There Any Hope Out There?
Don't let the smile on my face fool you. It is there to prevent people from asking the age old question, "Are you okay?"
No, I'm not okay. I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now. I don't think that I will ever be "okay". But, I'm not leaving, either. You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it. Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am. She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life.
Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay. I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay. In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.
Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help. I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now. I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job. True. But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others. I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential. I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop. Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream. When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill.
Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed. The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it. Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did. Does post partum depression last this long if not treated?
I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place. Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am. And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you. I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks. Apparently, not enough. I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire. Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!
The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much. I'm still in the same state as before. Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up. I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to. They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway. Few local that I can really go to to talk to. I move around too much. Most of my friends are far away. Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on. Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on. I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression. And, I don't bother him with it.
God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....
But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying. But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....
No, I'm not okay. I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now. I don't think that I will ever be "okay". But, I'm not leaving, either. You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it. Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am. She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life.
Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay. I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay. In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.
Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help. I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now. I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job. True. But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others. I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential. I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop. Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream. When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill.
Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed. The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it. Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did. Does post partum depression last this long if not treated?
I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place. Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am. And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you. I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks. Apparently, not enough. I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire. Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!
The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much. I'm still in the same state as before. Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up. I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to. They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway. Few local that I can really go to to talk to. I move around too much. Most of my friends are far away. Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on. Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on. I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression. And, I don't bother him with it.
God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....
But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying. But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....
Thursday, May 21, 2015
I Always Have a Plan...
....even if the plan doesn't quite work out the way I want. I have not given up on the current plan, but I also have a backup just in case. After that, I am not so sure.
I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier. I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing. So, I haven't tested for that yet. And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for. I wonder about that sometimes. How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?
It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work. I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work. And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again? Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago. But, it's not.
And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind. We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year. He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do. We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed. It's not that far away, after all. Perhaps I should do that. Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc. I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.
There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up. But, we can't have that. It's not in my nature. Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore. Giving up, that is.
I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that. I wish I was more creative. More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal. I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc. I wonder what's wrong with me. Nothing, they'd say. Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.
God, I'm getting too old for this.
Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography. I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while.
I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......
I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier. I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing. So, I haven't tested for that yet. And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for. I wonder about that sometimes. How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?
It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work. I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work. And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again? Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago. But, it's not.
And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind. We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year. He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do. We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed. It's not that far away, after all. Perhaps I should do that. Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc. I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.
There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up. But, we can't have that. It's not in my nature. Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore. Giving up, that is.
I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that. I wish I was more creative. More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal. I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc. I wonder what's wrong with me. Nothing, they'd say. Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.God, I'm getting too old for this.
Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography. I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while.
I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......
Monday, April 15, 2013
100% and Failure
Actually, this is an update about school and also of my Hundred Hours Project.
School is going very well. I am at the beginning of week four of a five week course and so far I have maintained 100% on all my coursework. Go me! Actually, I wonder sometimes if the professor reads the actually papers that I turn in. Either that, or I actually write really well. I'll pretend like it's a combination of both.
This week we have a group project due. None of the others in my group have posted anything in the small group area, which is a little disconcerting as the main paper is due on Sunday. True, it's only Monday, but I like to make sure that I am on top of things at all times. I have volunteered to lead the group, but so far, no one has responded to my email regarding this. It is a little frustrating. Especially considering that by the time the weekend comes around, I will have little time to work on the actual paper and get all of their information in as well. No matter. I will work to make it happen.
Okay, Onyx, so where does the failure come in? Well, it's not really a "failure", but I need to reevaluate my Hundred Hours Project, again. I thought that the lessons on that website were going to be just the thing I need, but so far I haven't been able to learn just by reading. I think I need a different approach to this whole thing. I'm still going to learn how to draw, but I need a different avenue from which to learn.
I can do it. I know I can.
School is going very well. I am at the beginning of week four of a five week course and so far I have maintained 100% on all my coursework. Go me! Actually, I wonder sometimes if the professor reads the actually papers that I turn in. Either that, or I actually write really well. I'll pretend like it's a combination of both.
This week we have a group project due. None of the others in my group have posted anything in the small group area, which is a little disconcerting as the main paper is due on Sunday. True, it's only Monday, but I like to make sure that I am on top of things at all times. I have volunteered to lead the group, but so far, no one has responded to my email regarding this. It is a little frustrating. Especially considering that by the time the weekend comes around, I will have little time to work on the actual paper and get all of their information in as well. No matter. I will work to make it happen.
Okay, Onyx, so where does the failure come in? Well, it's not really a "failure", but I need to reevaluate my Hundred Hours Project, again. I thought that the lessons on that website were going to be just the thing I need, but so far I haven't been able to learn just by reading. I think I need a different approach to this whole thing. I'm still going to learn how to draw, but I need a different avenue from which to learn.
I can do it. I know I can.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
A Change in the Project - HHP
After careful consideration to the fact that I am not in my 20s anymore, I have decided that learning Wing Chun Kung Fu is probably not the best idea for my Hundred Hours Project. I had forgotten how hard it is on the arms, and though it is a great workout, I think that I can devote these hundred hours to something a little more challenging and productive.
So, with that in mind, my new hundred hours project is going to be:
Drawing
I have never really had the patience for creating art in this format. When I was in junior high school, I nearly failed art because I couldn't draw a cube, and my sculptures were horrible. Well, that was over two decades ago, and I think I have finally come to a point where it is time to learn the patience needed to learn the art.
I plan on starting this in a week, so that I can do a bit of research, possibly finding some YouTube videos and then buying needed supplies. I plan on posting drawings when they are finished, so please, feel free to leave constructive criticism. Remember, I cannot even draw a cube, so this should be interesting!
So, with that in mind, my new hundred hours project is going to be:
Drawing
I have never really had the patience for creating art in this format. When I was in junior high school, I nearly failed art because I couldn't draw a cube, and my sculptures were horrible. Well, that was over two decades ago, and I think I have finally come to a point where it is time to learn the patience needed to learn the art.
I plan on starting this in a week, so that I can do a bit of research, possibly finding some YouTube videos and then buying needed supplies. I plan on posting drawings when they are finished, so please, feel free to leave constructive criticism. Remember, I cannot even draw a cube, so this should be interesting!
Friday, June 17, 2011
All Good Things End
Well, the spiraling energy that has been building up has finally come crashing down around my head. As of tomorrow I will no longer be in Work Force Management at work. I have been given the opportunity to go back on the phones, which some of you are saying, "Awesome! You're still employed, great job!" To that I say that they are setting me up for failure of mass proportion. Not only am I not qualified to be in the training class next week, I haven't taken a phone call in over a year. So many things have changed since I was a phone advisor that I am not sure how long it will take me to get back into some semblance of a groove.
Yeah, they were trying to cut back on costs and they were chopping positions in several sites. Unfortunately, I'm the only one who got chopped in this building. They went by seniority and even though I've been in this position for over a year, I am still the "new girl" and so off I went. It really wasn't fair because I felt that they should have gone by performance.
I suppose I could go on and on about how unfair their decision was, but I'm almost a bigger person than that. I will tackle the transition class to my best ability, and see what happens from there. I am thinking that I will probably continue to look for a new job and see where that takes me. I really don't want to be unemployed as I am a single mom and as it is I make too much to get any assistance, but almost not enough to survive on. Daycare is expensive you know!
Raven is still going to visit her aunt in July. That has to happen. The only other thing is that I will have to find daycare for her for the few weeks before school starts and then she'll go back to her current daycare which will be located on her school premises. I just hope that with all the changes going on I will still be able to get down there to pick her back up. I have no clue what my schedule will be like after next week.
This training class scares me to death. Technically, I'm not qualified to be in the class, but they made an exception for me so that they could keep me from being laid off. (Personally, I thought they should just lay me off and allow me to collect unemployment for a bit so I could find a new job, etc....) I am freaked out because of the length of time it has been since I've taken a call. I'm freaked out about the fact that I know nothing about the products that they will be talking about. I do know that there will be people there who will be willing to help me and most of them are jaded because I'm the one who keep asking them to take an extra call when it's busy. None of the phone advisors like my job very much. I don't think they dislike me as a person, but I am gearing up for some animosity when I get out there. I hope that they will be a bit more grown up than that.
What's more is that they just had a class that would have gotten me halfway qualified. Two classes, actually. I wish they had the foresight to know that they were going to kick me out of my current position a few weeks ago, at least then I would have had a fighting chance to get ready instead of being set up for the ultimate failure. I guess I can make all the wishes I want, but it isn't going to change the fact that I'm being screwed here.
I will keep my mind open to all the options that the universe might present me with. It's all I can really do.... really.
::endtransmission::
Yeah, they were trying to cut back on costs and they were chopping positions in several sites. Unfortunately, I'm the only one who got chopped in this building. They went by seniority and even though I've been in this position for over a year, I am still the "new girl" and so off I went. It really wasn't fair because I felt that they should have gone by performance.
I suppose I could go on and on about how unfair their decision was, but I'm almost a bigger person than that. I will tackle the transition class to my best ability, and see what happens from there. I am thinking that I will probably continue to look for a new job and see where that takes me. I really don't want to be unemployed as I am a single mom and as it is I make too much to get any assistance, but almost not enough to survive on. Daycare is expensive you know!
Raven is still going to visit her aunt in July. That has to happen. The only other thing is that I will have to find daycare for her for the few weeks before school starts and then she'll go back to her current daycare which will be located on her school premises. I just hope that with all the changes going on I will still be able to get down there to pick her back up. I have no clue what my schedule will be like after next week.
This training class scares me to death. Technically, I'm not qualified to be in the class, but they made an exception for me so that they could keep me from being laid off. (Personally, I thought they should just lay me off and allow me to collect unemployment for a bit so I could find a new job, etc....) I am freaked out because of the length of time it has been since I've taken a call. I'm freaked out about the fact that I know nothing about the products that they will be talking about. I do know that there will be people there who will be willing to help me and most of them are jaded because I'm the one who keep asking them to take an extra call when it's busy. None of the phone advisors like my job very much. I don't think they dislike me as a person, but I am gearing up for some animosity when I get out there. I hope that they will be a bit more grown up than that.
What's more is that they just had a class that would have gotten me halfway qualified. Two classes, actually. I wish they had the foresight to know that they were going to kick me out of my current position a few weeks ago, at least then I would have had a fighting chance to get ready instead of being set up for the ultimate failure. I guess I can make all the wishes I want, but it isn't going to change the fact that I'm being screwed here.
I will keep my mind open to all the options that the universe might present me with. It's all I can really do.... really.
::endtransmission::
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