Over a year....again...

Where to start.

The last year has produced some of the most diverse experiences of just about any year I have had.  Let's recap.

In October of 2017, Raven and I moved back to Boise because I took a job here.  I needed to get out of Reno badly as I wasn't "going anywhere" according to my father, which I would have to agree.  By that time I was driving for Uber full-time without a 'real' job to speak of.

The job that I took saw many changes over the last year.  Our lead was let go which led me to work 12-hour days for the better part of four months.  The stress of that sucked my soul away quicker than I ever thought possible. After that four months or so, they finally got some help and I guess they helped me right out of my job.  I was let go last Friday.

It's been almost a week and I have gotten one rejection letter after another.  I'm freaking out because of my massive amount of bills that are going unpaid, my rent that I am not sure that will be paid on time.  I just signed a new lease beginning in November, and to top all of that off, the rent went up by $115!  If I felt despair before, I certainly feel it now.  I have considered self-repossessing my car, which would help greatly as I upgraded it shortly after moving up here.  Big mistake on my part, but live and learn.  At the very least I am hoping that they will at least extend my payment by a month or so.  The car payment, that is.  I'm still stressing about my rent.

In brighter news, though, my son, Eagle (not his real name, by you all know that I don't use my kids' real names here) graduated from Navy boot camp and is now attending his A school to be a Nuke.  I am so very proud of him.  I just wish it hadn't been February in Chicago!  I hadn't seen that much snow since I was a kid living in Reno!

While I was there, some drama happened between myself and my older daughter, Butterfly.  To make a very long story short, she came to live with Raven and me for a few months.  While she was there, she got in contact with her biological dad.  I had suggested it.  She decided that she wanted to go stay with him in Washington state.  I agreed to take her up there knowing that her living conditions were not going to be the best.  Butterfly was 19 at the time and could make her own decisions.  I wasn't going to stop her from making her own choices.

And so, yes, she was there for a few months and decided that she didn't enjoy living there.  There were many things that were said that I will not repeat here, but suffice it to say, I will probably never hear from her again.  While that is my burden to bear, I cannot help thinking about what a failure I was as a mom/friend to her.  It was enough that I nearly killed myself over it.  Butterfly's birthday was yesterday, and I could not even say Happy Birthday because she wants absolutely nothing more to do with me...ever.

Moving along....

The last few months have been spent stressing over money, which is not somethin I usually do because I usually know that money will come from one source or another.  This is something entirely different, though.  I've never been, to my old failing memory, in a position where I couldn't come up with rent money, or food money, or gas money, or anything else that I really needed.  On the bright side, I know exactly where it was where I went wrong this time around.

Over the summer I traveled to Denver for their Gothfest.  It was exciting to see friends again and I truly hope to go there again soon.  Raven was able to come with me as the show was all ages.  She had such an excellent time meeting the bands, spending time with our friends there and seeing some of the sights of Denver.

Recently, we had one of Raven's friends come to stay with us for a few weeks.  Her parents were going through a divorce and her family was displaced from their home.  Her mom didn't want to take her out of her school while she worked so hard on trying to find a new place to stay.  I was happy to have her stay.  She was well-behave, and treated us everso much better than Butterfly.  While I wasn't sad to see her reunited with her family, I am sad that Raven will again be alone at home while I'm working.

I think that just about sums up the past year. It begins again with me again looking for work.  I am in the second phase of a job interview that will be conducted tomorrow.  This will be for a background investigation, which require 15 years worth of history.  I had a very difficult time remembering all the places I have lived and jobs I have had in that time.  I had an even more difficult time remembering dates.  I feel very bad for this background investigator because of the amount of digging he is going to have to do.  I counted 14 places I have lived in the last 15 years.  Yes, I know.  And that includes living in the house in Reno for four years!  Some places I only lived in for a few weeks or months.  Most rarely for years.

Filling out this paperwork has made me realize just how unstable my entire life has been.  I counted, one time, the amount of places I have lived since I was born.  Nearly 60!  Guys, I'm only 43.  And, I'm not in the military, and never have been.  *Sigh*  I feel like I am going to die never having spent more than five years in any one place.  Well, I just feel like I'm going to die.

I'm more depressed than ever before.  I have spent the majority of this week watching Netflix or movies checked out of the library.  I have no real direction.  I do have a few plans for what I'm going to do to become employed, though.  Plan A is to get this job with the county that I spent all this time on filling out paperwork for.  The downside is that it will take at least 2 months to get the background check finished, and with my history, probably longer.  I do not know.  Plan A.5 is to go to a local temp agency while the background investigation is being done so that I can at least make money.  (My most recent job put me in such a bad position by letting me go before I knew if I had the job or not....)  Plan B is to start driving for Uber again.  I went and got my Idaho driver's license finally, but I have to get my windshield replaced because it's cracked in several places.  It would never pass their safety/cosmetic damage requirements.

Plan C is my last desperate plan of attack.  My mother has offered for Raven and I to stay with her for a few weeks while I get back on my feet.  I'm so tired of having to "get back on my feet".  And, as much as I love my mom, the idea of living with her again does not appeal to me.  We are just too very different.  And, I would not enjoy the prospect of moving to Texas.  I also don't want to have to pull Raven out of yet another school.  So, you can understand why I would consider this a last resort.

My social life is still very nonexistent.  I haven't gone singing karaoke in weeks.  The last time I went, I managed to talk a friend into going with me.  He is even more anti-social than I am.  He's distrusting of everyone.  I think for the purposes of this blog, I'll just call him...  Bluejay.  He's a good guy, but we will never be anything more than just friends.  And online friends mostly at that.

I really need to find myself again.  I really need to figure out what it is that I really want to do.  I have had ideas in the past, but decided that I could never do them because I do not have the money to do so.  I have always been into the music scene in one form or another.  My ultimate dream would be to open a bed n breakfast for touring bands.  I'm not talking about famous bands who require 5-star treatment, although I would provide the best customer service/accommodations possible.  I'm taking about bands that tour that maybe can't afford $100/night hotels rooms.  How awesome would that be.  I dunno.  There might not even be a need for such a thing.  I'll have to ponder that more.

God damn, I feel like I've wasted my life away.....

Another End in Sight....

This year is coming to a close.  So much has happened that I haven't had the opportunity to write about.  Falcon and I are no longer together, although we are very good friends.  I know it's for the best, but even know, several months later, it still hurts like Hell. 

I am part of Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I have been since day 1 and I freaking love it!  The show is a four hour long program which has interviews about everything from horror movies to musical guests, artists and so much more.  My segment, The Onyx Music Moment, discusses albums that are coming out that week along with local shows that are happening and other little bits that I think listeners might find interesting. 

If you want to be a part of the ever-growing crowd that listens, please visit Beyond The Dawn Studios.  They have an amazing lineup of shows including music from independent artists when they aren't doing shows.  The show airs on Wednesdays from 3pm to 7pm Pacific time and re=airs on Saturdays from 4pm to 8pm Pacific in case you can't be with us on Wednesdays. It's an amazing show hosted by Jimmie Jones.  I've found out some amazing things while researching and listening to the other segments of this show. 

I've also come across some amazing new music from bands and artists I did not know existed.  I would also invite any bands/artists who might be reading this to submit their music to the show for exposure.  Send me a private message and I'll send you the email to submit your music. If you have friends who are in bands that need exposure, please feel free to share this link with them as well.  We welcome all genres of music because that's how we roll!

Let's see, what else has happened this year.  I worked briefly for the post office.  I quit for a multitude of reasons.  Instead, I found a nice desk job in a warehouse that sells used laptop computer parts, cell phones, and that sort of thing.  I don't make as much as the post office, but the personal benefits are worth more to me than money. 

I've reconnected with old friends this year. That was really nice. 

I'm also lonely as Hell.  I don't get out very much anymore.  I don't have a lot going for me other than the online radio show.  I don't get out to sing hardly at all, and I really miss it.  The last time I went singing, Raven's dad was in town for her birthday.  That was toward the beginning of this month.  I might have gone once since then, but I can't recall at the moment.  I'm also tired of being alone.  I don't mind being by myself.  I have plenty to do, but I would love to spend my time with a companion.  You know, like a boyfriend.  Falcon is a great friend, but it is evident that we will never be together again.  For me, that is very sad even though I know that it is for the best.  He is just happy being single, playing video games and going to karaoke when he likes.  I have other needs and wants that I would like fulfilled by someone special.  And before anyone remarks that I'll find love when I'm not looking... I already know that, but there's no harm in putting my desires out to the Universe.

I have a few New Year's resolutions this year.  I've already started most of them.  First, I wanted to get more exercise because I'm not getting what I used to get at the post office.  I've been walking three miles a day when weather permits.  Raven goes with me because we both need to get out into the fresh air more.  I have also started creating events for Raven and I to do on weekends.  At least once a weekend. I don't want our weekends to be a constant state of staying home watching movies all day.  That's what we did mostly today, and I about died.  I get cabin fever easily.

Otherwise, I guess nothing much happened.  I guess there wasn't as much as I thought. 

Hopefully, next year will be much better..... be sure to tune into Erosion Factory Radio Show!

Cupcakes and Career Hunting

I tried to post a test blog from my phone, but it sent it to the wrong blog section.  I haven't written anything in my Random Library Findings in a while, so I don't quite know why the writing went there.  Oh well. I deleted it and decided to write from the source, or my computer, as it were.  It's okay.  I like the ability to edit etc. from here anyway.

Raven has been on Winter Break for the last THREE weeks!  What school tortures their parents like this anyway!  When my friends in other states were saying that their kids were going back to school this past week I was very jealous.  Money has been tight to say the least, so we didn't really do much of anything over her break.  I can't wait until she goes back to school.  She is not looking forward to it.  What kid does, really, but she told me flat out "not to mention it".  Oh well. I mentioned it anyway.. lol

Raven and I have been spending a lot of time at Falcon's apartment for various reasons.  Firstly, because he was helping with her daycare while she was on break.  I couldn't afford the money to put her in the Boys and Girls Club over the break which rather broke my heart because I know she loves going there and participating in the various field trips and such.  She also has a lot of friends that attend the club.  She didn't get to spend as much time with her friends over the break as I would have liked, but scheduling conflicts and a mysterious deletion of one of her friend's parents' contacts made that impossible. 

The other reason is that something happened to my hot water heater.  It took my dad several days before the new one he replaced it with finally started working.  It was the strangest thing.  He thinks that there might have been something going on with the breaker.  And go figure, the day after it starts working again, the garbage disposal starts to leak.   I tell you, if it is not one thing, it's another!

I wish I would have thought of this earlier in the break, but I didn't.  I decided that each day or every other day as time allows, Raven is to pick something new that she wants to learn about or how to do and we will research and learn this new thing together.  Even if we don't "master" the subject in a day (who does that anyway!) at least it will get her exposed to something new everyday.  She is the one to pick the subject matter and together we will research and learn it. 

Yesterday she wanted to learn how to make marble cupcakes.  An interesting topic, so I found a recipe online.  I have never made marble cupcakes so this was a new experience for both of us.  Falcon bought the majority of the ingredients so we could embark on this endeavor.  He didn't mind as he got to eat the final product.  Raven and I also made chocolate butter frosting from scratch.  Sure, it might seem like something simple to do, but to a 9-year-old who hasn't done much, it was a really good experience for her.  I think she enjoyed herself.  She certainly had fun spinning the knife in the batter!

In other news, I have finally finished my resume and did a bit of job hunting.  I haven't applied yet as I am waiting for my career adviser to reassess my resume.  He's been helping me to get it ready for sending out.  I did find what seemed like a really good job.  The starting pay is really good and it is an entry level position.  It seemed like something that one gets into in order to advance within the company.  Perfect for someone like me! 

The only drawback that I can see is that this job would take me out of Reno.  I don't mind that so much.  I have moved fifty times in my life, but I finally have a relationship that I don't want to leave behind.  Falcon has been so good to Raven and I and I couldn't bear to not be with him.  We briefly talked about this when we first met.  About the possibility of me leaving.  I don't know how he feels about coming with me if I were to get a good job and have to move.  He's got friends here and a decent job.  I will have to talk with him further.  I really want him to come with me if that time ever comes. 

But, as I haven't applied for the job yet, I don't want to dwell on anything negative for now.  I will cross that bridge when the time comes, but it helps to be prepared.  I can't imagine myself going kayaking without paddles, so to speak.

I've been having a bit of difficulty with my vision as of late.  I believe that I just need to get my glasses updated properly, but the rate at which I get dizzy watching a television or movie screen has been overwhelming.  Falcon bought me Skyrim for Xmas and I can't

play it because I get too dizzy.  He says that it is a common occurrence, but what good is it to try to play when I just feel nauseous all the time?  But as I cannot get that taken care of until I get some extra money, and I won't get extra money until either I can work more hours at my current job or find the aforementioned better job, then I'll just have to wait.  I just hope that I don't get dizzy while I'm driving or something.

Time has flown by and I cannot believe that it has nearly been a year since Titan's passing.  I have been thinking about him a lot as of late.  Those thoughts have brought me to tears and I've had to excuse myself a few times.  I know Falcon knows the reason for the tears, but he is kind not to say anything.  Needless to say, 2014 had its horrible points, but also it brought some of the best things to my life that I have ever had.  I do hope that 2015 treats me better.  I will be writing something about Titan in the anniversary blog in a few days.  I should probably send an email to his parents to see how they are doing.  My plan was to go singing karaoke and sing Titan's favorite songs including the one that took me months before I could sing again.  I don't know if that will happen or not. 

I suppose that this is enough of a novella for now.  I plan on writing more frequently in 2015.  I have the time for now.  It really helps get things off my chest and out into the open.  I have no idea who reads this although I do know that there are a few who do.  If you are one who reads this please feel free to leave a comment.  Encouraging or otherwise.  It doesn't matter. 

::endtransmission::

A New Year Dawns

It is the dawn of a new year, and I am looking forward to it very much. I begin this year alone, much like I did last year, but the catch is that I will actually stay alone for much if not all of this year. I do not look upon this as a sad event, but one that I can truly be okay with. I won't have anyone there to talk me out of my tax return this year.. lol

This year brings a few changes. I've decided to make some healthy changes to my lifestyle. Eating right is the obvious change. It hasn't been the best so far, but I am slowly making progress on that front. I have also taken up hoop dancing. I'm hardly any good at it, but like everything else in my life, it is coming along nicely.

My daughter, who we'll call Raven, turned 5 in December. She is such a sweet, outgoing, beautiful girl. Growing up a bit too fast, perhaps, but sometimes not fast enough.

Raven and I have taken to hoop dancing together. She is really good for a girl her age. She an do tricks that I can't even dream of doing yet. She's such an inspiration. This is after she picked up a hula hoop in Toys R Us, tried it once, failed, and said she never wanted another hoop again.. lol...

I only have a few goals this year.... lose weight, eat better and spend more time with Raven. She's worth ever minute spent. And I mean actual quality time, not just trips to the movies. I am thinking of taking her to a museum sometime in the near future or perhaps to the library and get her a library card or something. That way we can read books together. She loves to pretend to read her stories to her stuffed animals.

We are also taking on a project together. I adopted a soldier today. Our commitment is to write one letter per week and send one care package per month. I used to send Mike stuff when he was overseas and also to another friend of mine. I decided that adopting a soldier who may not have family or friends to send him anything was a great idea and something that Erika and I can do together. I'm sure she will enjoy picking things out for our soldier. Perhaps I will be able to talk her into drawing a picture or two.

There are a lot of things that I plan on doing with Raven as far as community service goes. I am tired of constantly thing about myself. I have had to do that for the better part of most of my adult life just to survive, but I'm a lot more stable financially and home and all around life, so I think it is time to give something back. Besides, I have three days off during the week, and I'm tired of spending them at home. The winter months are rough for me because I like to be outside, but I can't stand the cold weather. Some of the stuff I am considering doing is putting in some time at a local food bank, visiting some senior citizens, volunteering at a soup kitchen, things like that. I think that Erika will benefit greatly from these experiences, and so will I.

That's about all I have for today. I'll try to keep this blog updated more often. I write in so many places it is hard to keep track.

I feel really good about 2011. That perhaps I can make a difference in someone's life and they in mine. Happy New Year!