Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

I Always Have a Plan...

....even if the plan doesn't quite work out the way I want.  I have not given up on the current plan, but I also have a backup just in case.  After that, I am not so sure. 

I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier.  I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing.  So, I haven't tested for that yet.  And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for.  I wonder about that sometimes.  How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?

It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work.  I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work.  And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again?  Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago.  But, it's not. 

And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind.  We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year.  He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do.  We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed.  It's not that far away, after all.  Perhaps I should do that.  Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc.  I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.

There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up.  But, we can't have that.  It's not in my nature.  Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Giving up, that is. 

I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that.  I wish I was more creative.  More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal.  I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc.  I wonder what's wrong with me.  Nothing, they'd say.  Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.
 

God, I'm getting too old for this. 

Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography.   I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while. 

I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......

Cupcakes and Career Hunting

I tried to post a test blog from my phone, but it sent it to the wrong blog section.  I haven't written anything in my Random Library Findings in a while, so I don't quite know why the writing went there.  Oh well. I deleted it and decided to write from the source, or my computer, as it were.  It's okay.  I like the ability to edit etc. from here anyway.

Raven has been on Winter Break for the last THREE weeks!  What school tortures their parents like this anyway!  When my friends in other states were saying that their kids were going back to school this past week I was very jealous.  Money has been tight to say the least, so we didn't really do much of anything over her break.  I can't wait until she goes back to school.  She is not looking forward to it.  What kid does, really, but she told me flat out "not to mention it".  Oh well. I mentioned it anyway.. lol

Raven and I have been spending a lot of time at Falcon's apartment for various reasons.  Firstly, because he was helping with her daycare while she was on break.  I couldn't afford the money to put her in the Boys and Girls Club over the break which rather broke my heart because I know she loves going there and participating in the various field trips and such.  She also has a lot of friends that attend the club.  She didn't get to spend as much time with her friends over the break as I would have liked, but scheduling conflicts and a mysterious deletion of one of her friend's parents' contacts made that impossible. 

The other reason is that something happened to my hot water heater.  It took my dad several days before the new one he replaced it with finally started working.  It was the strangest thing.  He thinks that there might have been something going on with the breaker.  And go figure, the day after it starts working again, the garbage disposal starts to leak.   I tell you, if it is not one thing, it's another!

I wish I would have thought of this earlier in the break, but I didn't.  I decided that each day or every other day as time allows, Raven is to pick something new that she wants to learn about or how to do and we will research and learn this new thing together.  Even if we don't "master" the subject in a day (who does that anyway!) at least it will get her exposed to something new everyday.  She is the one to pick the subject matter and together we will research and learn it. 

Yesterday she wanted to learn how to make marble cupcakes.  An interesting topic, so I found a recipe online.  I have never made marble cupcakes so this was a new experience for both of us.  Falcon bought the majority of the ingredients so we could embark on this endeavor.  He didn't mind as he got to eat the final product.  Raven and I also made chocolate butter frosting from scratch.  Sure, it might seem like something simple to do, but to a 9-year-old who hasn't done much, it was a really good experience for her.  I think she enjoyed herself.  She certainly had fun spinning the knife in the batter!

In other news, I have finally finished my resume and did a bit of job hunting.  I haven't applied yet as I am waiting for my career adviser to reassess my resume.  He's been helping me to get it ready for sending out.  I did find what seemed like a really good job.  The starting pay is really good and it is an entry level position.  It seemed like something that one gets into in order to advance within the company.  Perfect for someone like me! 

The only drawback that I can see is that this job would take me out of Reno.  I don't mind that so much.  I have moved fifty times in my life, but I finally have a relationship that I don't want to leave behind.  Falcon has been so good to Raven and I and I couldn't bear to not be with him.  We briefly talked about this when we first met.  About the possibility of me leaving.  I don't know how he feels about coming with me if I were to get a good job and have to move.  He's got friends here and a decent job.  I will have to talk with him further.  I really want him to come with me if that time ever comes. 

But, as I haven't applied for the job yet, I don't want to dwell on anything negative for now.  I will cross that bridge when the time comes, but it helps to be prepared.  I can't imagine myself going kayaking without paddles, so to speak.

I've been having a bit of difficulty with my vision as of late.  I believe that I just need to get my glasses updated properly, but the rate at which I get dizzy watching a television or movie screen has been overwhelming.  Falcon bought me Skyrim for Xmas and I can't

play it because I get too dizzy.  He says that it is a common occurrence, but what good is it to try to play when I just feel nauseous all the time?  But as I cannot get that taken care of until I get some extra money, and I won't get extra money until either I can work more hours at my current job or find the aforementioned better job, then I'll just have to wait.  I just hope that I don't get dizzy while I'm driving or something.

Time has flown by and I cannot believe that it has nearly been a year since Titan's passing.  I have been thinking about him a lot as of late.  Those thoughts have brought me to tears and I've had to excuse myself a few times.  I know Falcon knows the reason for the tears, but he is kind not to say anything.  Needless to say, 2014 had its horrible points, but also it brought some of the best things to my life that I have ever had.  I do hope that 2015 treats me better.  I will be writing something about Titan in the anniversary blog in a few days.  I should probably send an email to his parents to see how they are doing.  My plan was to go singing karaoke and sing Titan's favorite songs including the one that took me months before I could sing again.  I don't know if that will happen or not. 

I suppose that this is enough of a novella for now.  I plan on writing more frequently in 2015.  I have the time for now.  It really helps get things off my chest and out into the open.  I have no idea who reads this although I do know that there are a few who do.  If you are one who reads this please feel free to leave a comment.  Encouraging or otherwise.  It doesn't matter. 

::endtransmission::

Twenty Years of a Fermented Relationship - Aged, Like a Good Wine!

Many of the details have been forgotten, but some were thoughtfully written down in my hard diary over twenty years ago.....

My family had moved, yet again, in the middle of my 8th grade year.  I ended up going to a completely different junior high school where I knew absolutely no one.  There were many kids there who took one look at me and decided that I was not worth their time, or worth their time enough to give me absolute hell on earth.  I had very few friends.  Except for one....

I do not remember how we met or who introduced us.  I believe we were in band together.  As I recall, he played clarinet, and I played flute.  He was the nicest person I had met at that school. 

The 8th grade trip to D.C. was coming up and I begged my parents to allow me to go on the trip.  It was very expensive, and finally, they allowed me to go.  This guy was also going, and I was so excited!  I read in my diary that I really hoped I got to dance with him on the riverboat cruise that we were going to take on the Potomac River.  I don't recall if we did or not, but I asked him a few weeks ago and he said that yes, we did.

We were like peanut butter and jelly on that trip and he sat behind me on the tour bus.  We walked together through most of the attractions that our class stopped at. I remember almost getting left behind at the Library of Congress because I had gotten separated from the class somehow.

The summer passed, and he and I went to 9th grade together.  I do not remember anything about that year except for being in band with him.  I do know that we weren't very peanut butter and jelly that year, but we were still friends.

The summer after my freshman year, my family moved away to California.  I left my friends behind in Reno.  Two years later, as a senior, I moved back to Reno to live with my father.  Somehow, this boy and I reconnected for a short time.  My diary speaks of a movie date that we had.  A friend picked us up and we stopped by Video Maniacs (for those who are too young to know what I'm talking about, it was a place like Blockbuster Video where you could rent movie... like Redbox, but more personable..hehehe.. )  and picked up Sleepwalkers.  I have always been a huge fan of Stephen King, and he likes horror movies as well.  My diary says that it was the scariest movie I had ever seen.  I think back on that now and laugh very hard.  I have seen it at least once since then... lol... My diary further says that I tried not to scream during the movie as his mom was trying to sleep in the other room... hehehe...

Valentine's Day that same year he cooked me the best dinner I had ever had to date.  Steak and lobster and it was so romantic, and it was so tasty!  I remember music playing. I remember declining the offer of champagne.  I remember how everything was so very perfect and it was wonderful.

I also remember how I returned to his house the next day and broke up with him. 

Suffice it to say that I left him for another guy who ultimately treated me like absolute trash.  I cried because the decision was a difficult one for me to make and I was afraid, back then, of being treated too well.  I thought I didn't deserve happiness.  There are times when I still don't.

Our lives went separate ways, yet followed a somewhat parallel path.  We were both married, had kids, divorced, not necessarily in that order.  We've both known heartbreak, disappointment, deceit, and betrayal.  We've both thought about each other over the last twenty years.  Many times I would go through my yearbooks and see his picture or read the words he wrote and smile.  I often wondered if he ever thought about me.

In 2009, technology brought us a bit closer together.  Thank you, Facebook, for allowing connection between people from times past over long distances.  When we reconnected online, we sent a few friendly messages back and forth. He was married at that time, I had just moved to Boise.  Then a lot of time would go by without a word, but he was always there in the background.  I even posted happy birthday messages on his feed a few of those years. 

During the early times on Facebook, I had even told him what happened the day after that Valentine's Day so very long ago.....He forgave me a long time ago, but the weight of that day had been sitting with me in the background.

Earlier in August, he returned to Reno.  About a week after he got there, he decided to send me a random message on Facebook.  It simply had his phone number and a request for me to call or text him.  And thus, a relationship was rekindled. We talked, texted, and yahoo video chatted for at least three weeks, and I made my decision to move back to my hometown, Reno, the place where we met, the place we both grew up.

I had asked him at one point why he took so many years to tell me how he felt about me.  He said that he was really scared, but he was tired of living in a scared reality (or something to that effect) and he was just going to lay it all down on the table.  Now, before you guys go off on things like, "you haven't seen each other in twenty years.  How do you know it will work?" etc, let me just say that there are other underlying things going on that will not be written about here.  Circumstances that prove beyond any doubt that he is sincere about everything he's said. 

His mother passed by while we were video chatting one evening.  He took a few moments to talk to her, then he returned to me.  He said that she was off to bed, and that she loved me.  I asked him if he meant that she said she loved him, and he said no, that it was love for me.  She's seen how happy he's been over the last month, and that makes her very happy as well. 

I've spent the last two days visiting with him.  I met his family.  I do not recall meeting them before.  Maybe his mom, but definitely not his dad.  I hope that I have made a good impression.  I hope that they like me.  Our families are already intertwined.  His mom went to school with my dad and stepmom although they graduated a few years apart.  His parents' anniversary is the same day as my birthday.  His mom's sister is good friends with my step-mom's sister.  It's really bizarre. I don't think I need anymore omens than that!

This evening he and I went for a walk at Idlewild park.  He's been trying to lose weight, as have I, so walking is really good for us both.  We have so much in common, and enough not in common as to keep each other on our toes and interested, likely for a very long time.

We are both getting back on our feet, and starting life over again, kind of.  It is nice to be able to start it over again with the most kind, caring, romantic man I have ever known in my life.  And yes, I said the "m" word! (man)  It is not a word I use lightly because it means so much more to me than the basics. 

Even after twenty years I have come to realize that I did make the right decision twenty years ago to break up with him after Valentine's Day.  If I hadn't, we perhaps would not be where we are today and that is finally ready to be with each other now and always.  Perhaps we would have gotten tired of each other and broken up or even married and divorced like so many people do these days.  Who knows. I left my crystal ball in my other computer.  But, I do know that I am very ready to pursue a life with him now.

I told a friend of mine in Boise about all that was going on. I told her that our relationship has been fermenting like a good wine for the last twenty years, which is how long it has been since I had seen him.  She giggled and thought that our story might make a good fairytale/romance novel...lols....  And the truth is, that I love him with all I am.  And, I know that he loves me in the same fashion, if not moreso.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him again tomorrow.

I haven't even unpacked anything yet!

All Good Things End

Well, the spiraling energy that has been building up has finally come crashing down around my head.  As of tomorrow I will no longer be in Work Force Management at work.  I have been given the opportunity to go back on the phones, which some of you are saying, "Awesome!  You're still employed, great job!"  To that I say that they are setting me up for failure of mass proportion.  Not only am I not qualified to be in the training class next week, I haven't taken a phone call in over a year.  So many things have changed since I was a phone advisor that I am not sure how long it will take me to get back into some semblance of a groove.

Yeah, they were trying to cut back on costs and they were chopping positions in several sites.  Unfortunately, I'm the only one who got chopped in this building.  They went by seniority and even though I've been in this position for over a year, I am still the "new girl" and so off I went.  It really wasn't fair because I felt that they should have gone by performance.

I suppose I could go on and on about how unfair their decision was, but I'm almost a bigger person than that.  I will tackle the transition class to my best ability, and see what happens from there.  I am thinking that I will probably continue to look for a new job and see where that takes me.  I really don't want to be unemployed as I am a single mom and as it is I make too much to get any assistance, but almost not enough to survive on.  Daycare is expensive you know!

Raven is still going to visit her aunt in July.  That has to happen.  The only other thing is that I will have to find daycare for her for the few weeks before school starts and then she'll go back to her current daycare which will be located on her school premises.  I just hope that with all the changes going on I will still be able to get down there to pick her back up.  I have no clue what my schedule will be like after next week.

This training class scares me to death.  Technically, I'm not qualified to be in the class, but they made an exception for me so that they could keep me from being laid off.  (Personally, I thought they should just lay me off and allow me to collect unemployment for a bit so I could find a new job, etc....)  I am freaked out because of the length of time it has been since I've taken a call.  I'm freaked out about the fact that I know nothing about the products that they will be talking about.  I do know that there will be people there who will be willing to help me and most of them are jaded because I'm the one who keep asking them to take an extra call when it's busy.  None of the phone advisors like my job very much.  I don't think they dislike me as a person, but I am gearing up for some animosity when I get out there.  I hope that they will be a bit more grown up than that.

What's more is that they just had a class that would have gotten me halfway qualified.  Two classes, actually.  I wish they had the foresight to know that they were going to kick me out of my current position a few weeks ago, at least then I would have had a fighting chance to get ready instead of being set up for the ultimate failure.  I guess I can make all the wishes I want, but it isn't going to change the fact that I'm being screwed here.

I will keep my mind open to all the options that the universe might present me with.  It's all I can really do.... really.

::endtransmission::