Sometimes it's hard...

I have very little social life.  Some of that is self-imposed, some is ... well, I guess it's all self-imposed. I'm so introverted that being around people is just too difficult.  But, that's not why I'm writing today.  Well, maybe a little. And, I'm also very shy.  VERY shy...What a great combination.

This past week was Burning Man.  If you have never heard of Burning Man, you should check it  out.  It isn't for me. Too many people for my introverted nature and this year was exceptionally hot and those conditions are just not for me.  But, that isn't really why I'm writing, either.

I took many Burners to the airport after the week ended.  Many couples. Many couples who live apart for whatever reason.  I observed many goodbyes and it got me to thinking about how so very lonely I have become in the last few years.  I realized that I miss someone missing me.  Someone to come back to, to give strong bear hugs to and receive from.  At one point I had to wipe away a tear.

Like everyone else, I am filled with insecurities. But, for me, I am having trouble either accepting them or ignoring them in order for me to be more comfortable around larger groups of people.  It is strange because I have absolutely zero issue chatting up those who enter my car.  Why can't I take that confidence with me into public places?

I have tried the online dating thing. I even recently reactivated one of my profiles, but as usual, the only people that show interest in my profile are either way too young, way too old, or simply not my type.  It is difficult because I know what I don't want in a relationship.  And, I know what I want. I am flexible, but there are certain things that I have hard limits to.  Excessive video gaming is one.  I have been in relationships with guys that game a lot and it just didn't work out.  I won't do that every again.

I would simply love to find a friend.  A travel companion.  An activity partner.  A conversationalist. An uplifter of spirits. A motivator. A confidante.  A shoulder to cry on.  Someone I can leave notes for.  Someone I can uplift and motivate. Live life with.  Sheesh, now I just sound sappy.

So, my dating life is at a halt, as has been the way for quite some time.  And I can't stand it. But, only I can change it.  I get that. I think I'm doomed.

That does it. I'm getting out to sing tonight.

A Month In...

...and I need new pants!

So far I've kept to my new year's resolutions.  I've lost ten pounds already and I've gotten my blood sugar mostly under what I consider to be control.  I haven't had any "red" draws in several days, and only the one in the last few weeks.  It was weird because I have had several draws right around 97-120, which is I guess normal, but for me cause me to shake something fierce. I guess my body isn't used to whatever is normal for most people yet.  And, I actually didn't take my medication for one night and one morning because the sugar levels were so low.

But I really do need new pants.  Most of the weight has been falling off my backside, in turn my pants are doing the same.. lol..

All in all life seems to be going okay.  Nothing new in the relationship realm.  I tried, once again, a few online dating sites, which cause nothing but headache for me.  People don't read my profile fully so I get a lot of really young kids (what else am I, as a 41-year-old, going to call an 18-22-year-old that thinks he's going to get lucky with me?) who like to send me messages.  Even when I politely tell them I am not interested, they persist.  I don't like to block people, to me that's just rude, but sometimes people don't take not for an answer.  And, I don't like to repeat myself.  I'm too old to have the same conversations multiple times...

I have had nothing but bad experiences. I was even stood up by a guy who was older than me (in his 50s, which for me is usually an automatic 'no'), but I was enjoying our conversation so I agreed to meet him.  Thankfully, it was somewhere I was already familiar with.  I get anxiety going to new places alone.  When he didn't show up, I checked back on the messaging for that website only to find that he had blocked me and was no longer accepting my messages.  Do people really do that?  Do they get their kicks on luring people out only to not show up and block them?  Get a good laugh on that did you?  It made me furious for a moment, then sad, then I turned on myself thinking I wasn't good enough, then I decided that it was his loss.  I dunno. I am about to give up permanently.

As much as I would like to think that there is someone out there for me, who will enjoy my company, have similar interests, enjoy travelling, etc, I highly doubt that I am going to find him here.  Oh well.

I am getting ready to go back to school.  I forget if I mentioned this in a previous entry.  I am going back to get my court reporting degree.  I will be able to do much more than just court reporting.  Perhaps get one of those close captioning jobs or something.  But, I'm tired of being broke and not really being able to do much about it. It's time I put my talents (such as they are) to good use.  I know I can do this. It's just a matter of making it happen.  The school didn't have their schedule yet for this year.  I'm not sure how long that takes to make happen, but if I don't hear something back by the end of the upcoming week, I will contact them back.  Yeah.  I have to make a change.  I can't live like this anymore.  Granted, I am surely not taking anything for granted, but there is always the opportunity to live better, right?

Our cats are fat and happy.  Well as happy as two cats can be, I suppose.  Klaus and Elijah fight like grumpy old men.  It's funny to watch Klaus try do defend himself and wherever he happens to be sleeping at the time from Elijah.  Klaus has no front claws, so he furiously bats his paws at Elijah and hisses at him during these altercations.  Mostly, they take place on my bad while I'm trying to sleep.  Klaus follows me around like a puppy.  I did mention that he is a big, fat, long-haired cat, yes?

Overall, they keep me company and Raven enjoys them very much.  They are HER cats after all, but there's nothing wrong with me petting them when they allow it.  Elijah is still a bit skittish and doesn't really like Raven much, but once in a while he will crawl up and lay on her lap. 

The weather here has been chaotic.  This morning it snowed and then it disappeared.  It flurried for a short time, then it stopped.  We are supposed to be getting a bunch more snow tonight.  Who knows if the school will start on time, be delayed or be canceled altogether.  I am lucky to work for a company who cares about its employees' safety.  Usually when the roads are bad, we are delayed working as well.  I guess they will just keep an eye on the roads tomorrow and we'll see what happens. 

I find writing so relaxing... it's why I do it.  Thank you for taking this journey with me into what I would consider my pathetic life.  I need more excitement. 

Care to join me?

When Enough is Certainly Enough!

I sometimes consider myself a normal individual.  I guess that depends on your definition of normal.  I'm a single mom.  I work.  I go to school online.  I have an awesome boyfriend without whom I would have become worse than a wreck a while ago.  I have family members who care about me and who have helped me time and again when I chose the wrong path in life more than thrice.  

But, these past few weeks have really tested my stress levels.  Work has been extremely busy.  I am a team lead where I work and I run a very specific set of stores who happened to need all of their stores nationwide done in September.  Obviously, I'm not working outside my district, but to give you an idea of how much work has been going on, I've been doing two stores a day, Monday through Friday for the last two weeks.  Because I don't work on weekends, my coworkers have been going with another team lead on Saturdays to knock out two stores as well.  There is at least one other team in my area also doing these runs on top of everything else.  Yes, it has been very busy.

So, Raven has been left home a lot in the mornings and afternoons.  We will just say that that strain has created a lot of stress for her at school, and I got into trouble for leaving her home alone before and after school.  Well, this was serious enough for me to nearly have to quit my job.  I fixed the after school issue, but the before school issue isn't as easily fixed.  There just isn't anything early enough on the days I work to take her to.  So, I have had to cut back on my hours significantly.  I'm not sure exactly what I am going to do because there isn't really much work for the hours that I am available for right now, and it is going to end up becoming even more stressful.

In addition to everything else, school work has fallen drastically behind.  Why am I then writing this?  Because I really need to get this out of my system and writing about it definitely helps.  It's therapy for me, so suck it.  This is the last week of the term, thank goodness, and it has come down to being the most behind in homework I have ever been.  It isn't because I was slacking off or doing other things.  Work has just kept me that busy.  Well, because everything that happened with me getting into trouble, I had to take today and Friday off, and yesterday, too.  I did manage to get a bit done, and I will be diving straight into it after I finish this.

I am not liking this imbalance that has crept up into my life.  I am a huge fan of balance, but for now there is a great imbalance.  Raven and I had a short talk about not allowing oneself to never have personal time.  I have done the best I an to make sure that she has her own space in the house we live in, which is a one-bedroom.  I have begun to create her art space out in one of the sheds.  So far it is looking great.  But, what about my personal space?  I'm a strong individual, but there are times when even I need to have space to be alone to cry in peace and cleanse my soul.  Even the strongest of people need that time to themselves.  Who do the strong lean on in their time of need?

Right now my shoulder to cry on has been Falcon.  If it weren't for him and his nonjudgmental nature, I would have crumbled or probably been arrested by now.  He never made me feel bad or told me that I should have known better (even though I know I should have known better) and he has always been on my side.  He's just that kind of man.  I am very fortunate to have him in my life.

So, knowing that all things pass in time, I have done what I can to fix the issues, and I have to move on from here.  I am not going to ask what else could go wrong because the Universe would certainly let me know!

School, Health and Halloween

Well, Raven is in school and the first week was interesting.  We tried very hard to get some sort of routine going, but with my work schedule it just isn't possible to get anything concrete.  I will be very glad when school is over for me and I am able to get a more regular job, even if that job requires me to work graveyard shift.  At least it will be something more stable.  At least, that is the hope. But, I can say that she is finally able to get to and from school without help.

I could not do much of this without Falcon's help.  He has been there for me whenever I have needed him.  Whether it be an ear for me to vent to, or a body to wrap weary arms around, or to help me smile with his silly jokes.  He and Raven get along really well, and even though I suspect that she tries his patience once in a while, they have really started to bond a little.  At least, that is what it looks like to me. 

I am so close to finishing this degree that I can almost taste it.  Only two more terms after this one, and I will be so very ready to not have to do homework everyday.  I am grateful for a week's break between the current and next term.  My work schedule has also tripled as of this week, at least for the next three weeks, so getting everything done, spending time with Raven AND having some personal time is going to be difficult.  Falcon has got to be one of the most patient men I have ever known, and he has had to remind me occasionally of where my priorities actually lay and that he cannot be at the top of the list no matter how much I want him to be, right after Raven, of course. 

Health has to come first.  So far, I have been able to maintain somewhat free of colds and such.  I usually get really sick at least once per year. I hope not to this year.  Next comes Raven.  And then comes homework.  THEN comes Falcon.  Well, yeah. That seems kind of harsh, but as long as everyone/thing on the list gets their turn, then I'm good with that.  Raven has also been very understanding about homework and such that I have to get done before we can spend time together.

I will say that I have been putting some things off until the next day in order to spend more time with my family.  On Friday night Falcon took Raven and I to the Reno Ace's ballgame and we watched them beat the Vegas 51s.  It was a good game.  I hadn't been to an Ace's game for several years.  Not since I lived here last time and the park was not downtown at that point.  I had a really great time, but of course came home to a mound of homework that didn't get finished.  It doesn't matter to me. I need to try to keep balance in order.  I fear that the balance is going to become unbalanced this coming week.

Work has been going well even if it has been slower for me. I told my boss that I am not willing to work nights or weekends because I am not willing to pay for daycare for this job.  It is so chaotic that working at night would mean high daycare fees and I don't even want to get started with weekend rates!  So, for me the hours have been sparse, which is good for getting homework done, but not so much so for the pocketbook.  Lame, isn't it?  We work like dogs to make money, but don't have the time to spend it.  Or we have lots of time on our hands and no money to spend.

I do have my favorite holiday coming up soon.  Halloween.  For most of the nation it isn't considered a "holiday", but for me it's also Nevada Day.  I remember getting October 31st off every year from school because it's the day Nevada became a state.  I guess the powers that be have decided to mutilate this day into a three-day weekend like Labor Day (Why the heck do we celebrate that anyway?) or Memorial Day.  But otherwise, it's the most awesome time of the year.  Get dressed up, take Raven trick-or-treating.  Remember ancestors who have passed on.  It is Day of the Dead time after all.  When I lived in Reno last time, we threw a huge Halloween party. I live on that same property, and I am considering having another party.  Who knows, though.  We'll see.

My birthday was on the 29th.  It was a decent day.  I went to karaoke with Falcon which was nice.  I don't usually celebrate my birthday, but when I do, it's usually going out to sing.  I think next year I am going to throw a huge party, though.  It's a milestone birthday, and I want it to be excessively awesome.  Falcon's birthday is coming up in less than a week. I want to do something really awesome for him, but the thing I wanted to do isn't going to happen because I have to work on the night that it was going to happen.  Soooo... I don't know what's going to go down now.  He doesn't really like big parties, and he doesn't like surprises, but neither of that is going to stop me from attempting to do something sweet.

I suppose that is it for now. 

::endtransmission::

Six Months, but Not Really Counting...

So many things have been going on in the last few months that today's writing just happens to coincide with six months after Tom's death.  I know I promised that I wouldn't write about him anymore, but I still think about him once in a while and even less frequently, I still cry.  But, I have actually moved on and found someone great.

For purposes of this blog, I will refer to him as Falcon.  He's such a great man.    We met seven weeks ago while singing karaoke.  Well, I was singing. I don't think he sang that night.  I was sitting at the bar and he and a friend of his sat in the spaces to my left.  The details have become a bit blurry, but we started talking and it was so comfortable.  We've been together ever since and honestly, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Honestly, I hope it never does.

It is amazing at how much alike the two of them are.  They both enjoy the wonderful world of music.  They both play drums and have amazingly detailed knowledge of musicians that people just shouldn't know.  While Falcon is a phenomenal drummer, he is also a great guitarist.  I enjoy listening to him play.  I swear that Tom was there in spirit guiding Falcon to that chair that night seven weeks ago.  And, if he was there, I will always be grateful.  I'm grateful even if it's all in my head.

Falcon has brought out a lot of things that I had buried deep inside.  It was amazing how easily we clicked and I was able to talk to him about anything and everything.  He was just as open with me and I will tell you that I am very rarely open with anyone about anything.  Ultimately, I tell people things on a need to know basis.  I'm still that way with most, but with Falcon, I am completely open.  I really like that.

We have a lot in common including our passion for music.  Although he is more into classic rock (or so it seems), he has been very open to listening to music that I have played for him, and he even likes a lot of it, but that is how open-minded he is.  I think that is someone I have really been needing over the last several months.  Someone who is okay with the me I really am, with the me that is imperfect and the me that is sometimes chaotic, yet loving. 

I love where this is going and I look forward to the next adventures with him....

Things I Learned From Tom...

1. Life is too short.

Well, duh.  We all say this, but do we really know what we mean by it?  Some people do amazing things before they are 18, some never do anything noteworthy or it is is, people don't know about it.  It doesn't matter as long as we live life to the fullest everyday.  Life is too short to be sad, depressed, stressed out constantly, or in short... miserable. Set goals.  Work for them.  Achieve them. 



2. Labels mean absolutely nothing. 
Be who you are.  I sometimes worry about "fitting in" in certain situations.  Specifically with this group or that group thinking that they wouldn't respect or like me if I didn't like what they like or dressed how they dress.  We'll take music as an example.  There is so much stigma around loving certain types of music.  For instance, I don't really care for country music very much, but is that?  Oh, it's because I think that my friends will think I'm weird or *gasp* not goth enough if I like country music.  (Just for the record, I gave up being "goth" a long time ago although I still love the music, the style etc...I just don't have time for the drama.)  Tom loved EVERY kind of music.  And when I say everything, I mean everything.  He'd listen to rock one minute then turn right around and flip to an adult contemporary station.  He couldn't answer who his favorite band was because he didn't have one.  He refused to allow people to label him by the kinds of music he listened to or the clothes he wore.  He simply existed as himself.  I admire that.  And, he enjoyed everyone.

3. Be kind to myself.

Sounds like a no-brainer, but in reality, I have a tendency to expect perfection from everything I do. School being a major part of that perfection.  If I get less than perfect, then I really come down on myself rather hard when I really have no reason to do so.  I also need to quit calling myself names and putting myself down so much.  It hurts way more than it motivates.

4. It's okay to cry.

I never like crying in front of anyone because I feel like it makes me look weak or vulnerable and I dislike looking like either.  Tom cried a lot, but I respected his tears.  He was a rather sensitive guy.  He never held back his tears.  I won't hold mine back anymore.


5. Family is the most important thing on the planet.

I grew up in a broken home.  I didn't have it as bad as a lot of other children.  My parents loved me as a kid, and somehow they found the strength to love me as an adult.  Tom's parents are still married.  He has twin sisters whom he
 would do anything for.  I always found it so strange that he would end every phone conversation or visit with them with the words, "I love you".  Actually, it kind of bugged me.  I am the type who rarely says those words because to me they lose their meaning, but to him they never lost their meaning.  I cannot remember if I told him that I loved him on our last phone conversation.  It was rather quick.  But family is important.  I already know this, but there are times when I don't think that my siblings or parents know that I care.  I might not get along with my sister at all, and call her a pain in the ass sometimes, but there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, or my brother.  Or, any member of my family for that matter.  I suppose I should tell them more often that I love them.  Because we only get one set of relatives. 

I'm sure there are more, but those are the most important. 

Christmas Trip Supplemental ~ Waiting in SeaTac

This trip has been very good for me. I have learned a lot about myself while I was here.  I discovered many reasons for my unhappiness not only with myself, but with my relationship with Titan.  Inner searching revealed that I say "No" to many things that I have yet to try to see if I would even like them.  I am kind of like a 4-year-old who turns her nose up at broccoli just because it looks funny. (Which I actually did until my 20s when I finally tried it). 

I came to the realization that I am not happy in my relationship because I do not really WANT a relationship.  I see a lot of myself in my mom when it comes to dealing with my significant other and I cringe at the fact that I am so negative when doling out my opinion of the situation, whatever that may be.  And though I have not talked to Titan about our relationship stuff yet, I foresee a broken heart in my future. Not mine, perhaps, but his.  I simply refuse to put him through anymore grief and I refuse to continue to be in a relationship if I am not happy in it.  There are times when I can sense that my mother isn't happy with her marriage, and I do not want to feel like I'm stuck in something I can't get out of. (Not that I'm saying she's stuck, but I certainly don't want to be.)

I have decided that I will start saying yes to more new opportunities that present themselves.  Not unlike a healthier version of Jim Carrey's "Yes, Man" without as many bad choices.  I want to experience more things in this life other than the stuff I am comfortable with.

Another realization I made was that after the awesome discovery of Bonine, thanks, Bro!, I want to do more traveling.  I want to take a trip back to Seattle and spend more time seeing the sights.  There are many cities that I would love to see and although my preferred mode of transportation is still driving, getting to where I'm going faster is a good plus.

The New Year dawns, and this year I am going to make the same resolutions I make every year...eat healthy, lose weight, be kind to humanity.  This year I am also going to make a resolution to be kinder to myself.  I am really tough on myself.  When I make a mistake, I punish myself harshly, even if others don't.  We are always our own worst critics, but it doesn't have to be that way.  We can be more gentle with ourselves and still learn from our errors.

So, in conclusion, I'm making an effort to say yes to more opportunities, eat healthier, lose weight and travel more.  I'm also going to ensure that I am a happier me this year.

Happy Halloween! 100th Blog Entry!

I wish I could say that this is going to be a nice upbeat blog entry.  For the most part it might be, but today is Halloween, and it's my favorite holiday and I am spending it with the flu!  Ugh! 

So, moving on....

My relationship with Titan has been a veritable roller coaster for sure.  We have definitely had to work out a lot of kinks with communication and I have really had to dig deep to find ways to be more positive in my outlook.  But, for the most part all is going well.  It seems that no matter what, we move past whatever is bothering us and are reminded of how much we mean.

We got a place together.  A small place, a one bedroom, but it's ours.  Already we've had to have the heater fixed and the refrigerator replaced after nagging the landlord to get it done, but I think that everything else is working fine.

Work goes good.  Titan just got a better job working at a hotel/casino just outside of town.  I had gotten a seasonal position working for a warehouse outside of town, but I am not able to keep that position because Titan doesn't drive so I will be taking him to work and back.  Our schedules work out for the most part in this fashion and I know for a fact that my hours will be cut back a lot, but that is the nature of the industry that I am in.  However, come January, I won't get any sleep at all.  Again, the nature of the industry.  And, Titan keeping this better paying, full-time, PERMANENT job was way more important to us than me working seasonally 45 minutes outside of town.

Being back in Reno has been great so far.  Titan and I have done a lot of things together...singing, walks in the park, out for drives, etc.  I do wish that we could do more of that , but our schedules are somewhat backwards right now. 

School goes really good.  So far I am still maintaining my 4.0 average.  Although, lucky me, I forgot to submit my assignment after uploading it this past Sunday.  Imagine my surprise when a big fat F showed up.  And, I wasn't even aware of the mistake until the grades came back.  Oh well.  I'll take this as a learning experience. She'll grade accordingly I suppose.  Bleh.

Well, I know this wasn't much for a great 100th blog, but such is my life right now.  There really isn't much else to me.  Just work and school. 

Anyway.. Happy Halloween.  Blessed Samhain!

Twenty Years of a Fermented Relationship - Aged, Like a Good Wine!

Many of the details have been forgotten, but some were thoughtfully written down in my hard diary over twenty years ago.....

My family had moved, yet again, in the middle of my 8th grade year.  I ended up going to a completely different junior high school where I knew absolutely no one.  There were many kids there who took one look at me and decided that I was not worth their time, or worth their time enough to give me absolute hell on earth.  I had very few friends.  Except for one....

I do not remember how we met or who introduced us.  I believe we were in band together.  As I recall, he played clarinet, and I played flute.  He was the nicest person I had met at that school. 

The 8th grade trip to D.C. was coming up and I begged my parents to allow me to go on the trip.  It was very expensive, and finally, they allowed me to go.  This guy was also going, and I was so excited!  I read in my diary that I really hoped I got to dance with him on the riverboat cruise that we were going to take on the Potomac River.  I don't recall if we did or not, but I asked him a few weeks ago and he said that yes, we did.

We were like peanut butter and jelly on that trip and he sat behind me on the tour bus.  We walked together through most of the attractions that our class stopped at. I remember almost getting left behind at the Library of Congress because I had gotten separated from the class somehow.

The summer passed, and he and I went to 9th grade together.  I do not remember anything about that year except for being in band with him.  I do know that we weren't very peanut butter and jelly that year, but we were still friends.

The summer after my freshman year, my family moved away to California.  I left my friends behind in Reno.  Two years later, as a senior, I moved back to Reno to live with my father.  Somehow, this boy and I reconnected for a short time.  My diary speaks of a movie date that we had.  A friend picked us up and we stopped by Video Maniacs (for those who are too young to know what I'm talking about, it was a place like Blockbuster Video where you could rent movie... like Redbox, but more personable..hehehe.. )  and picked up Sleepwalkers.  I have always been a huge fan of Stephen King, and he likes horror movies as well.  My diary says that it was the scariest movie I had ever seen.  I think back on that now and laugh very hard.  I have seen it at least once since then... lol... My diary further says that I tried not to scream during the movie as his mom was trying to sleep in the other room... hehehe...

Valentine's Day that same year he cooked me the best dinner I had ever had to date.  Steak and lobster and it was so romantic, and it was so tasty!  I remember music playing. I remember declining the offer of champagne.  I remember how everything was so very perfect and it was wonderful.

I also remember how I returned to his house the next day and broke up with him. 

Suffice it to say that I left him for another guy who ultimately treated me like absolute trash.  I cried because the decision was a difficult one for me to make and I was afraid, back then, of being treated too well.  I thought I didn't deserve happiness.  There are times when I still don't.

Our lives went separate ways, yet followed a somewhat parallel path.  We were both married, had kids, divorced, not necessarily in that order.  We've both known heartbreak, disappointment, deceit, and betrayal.  We've both thought about each other over the last twenty years.  Many times I would go through my yearbooks and see his picture or read the words he wrote and smile.  I often wondered if he ever thought about me.

In 2009, technology brought us a bit closer together.  Thank you, Facebook, for allowing connection between people from times past over long distances.  When we reconnected online, we sent a few friendly messages back and forth. He was married at that time, I had just moved to Boise.  Then a lot of time would go by without a word, but he was always there in the background.  I even posted happy birthday messages on his feed a few of those years. 

During the early times on Facebook, I had even told him what happened the day after that Valentine's Day so very long ago.....He forgave me a long time ago, but the weight of that day had been sitting with me in the background.

Earlier in August, he returned to Reno.  About a week after he got there, he decided to send me a random message on Facebook.  It simply had his phone number and a request for me to call or text him.  And thus, a relationship was rekindled. We talked, texted, and yahoo video chatted for at least three weeks, and I made my decision to move back to my hometown, Reno, the place where we met, the place we both grew up.

I had asked him at one point why he took so many years to tell me how he felt about me.  He said that he was really scared, but he was tired of living in a scared reality (or something to that effect) and he was just going to lay it all down on the table.  Now, before you guys go off on things like, "you haven't seen each other in twenty years.  How do you know it will work?" etc, let me just say that there are other underlying things going on that will not be written about here.  Circumstances that prove beyond any doubt that he is sincere about everything he's said. 

His mother passed by while we were video chatting one evening.  He took a few moments to talk to her, then he returned to me.  He said that she was off to bed, and that she loved me.  I asked him if he meant that she said she loved him, and he said no, that it was love for me.  She's seen how happy he's been over the last month, and that makes her very happy as well. 

I've spent the last two days visiting with him.  I met his family.  I do not recall meeting them before.  Maybe his mom, but definitely not his dad.  I hope that I have made a good impression.  I hope that they like me.  Our families are already intertwined.  His mom went to school with my dad and stepmom although they graduated a few years apart.  His parents' anniversary is the same day as my birthday.  His mom's sister is good friends with my step-mom's sister.  It's really bizarre. I don't think I need anymore omens than that!

This evening he and I went for a walk at Idlewild park.  He's been trying to lose weight, as have I, so walking is really good for us both.  We have so much in common, and enough not in common as to keep each other on our toes and interested, likely for a very long time.

We are both getting back on our feet, and starting life over again, kind of.  It is nice to be able to start it over again with the most kind, caring, romantic man I have ever known in my life.  And yes, I said the "m" word! (man)  It is not a word I use lightly because it means so much more to me than the basics. 

Even after twenty years I have come to realize that I did make the right decision twenty years ago to break up with him after Valentine's Day.  If I hadn't, we perhaps would not be where we are today and that is finally ready to be with each other now and always.  Perhaps we would have gotten tired of each other and broken up or even married and divorced like so many people do these days.  Who knows. I left my crystal ball in my other computer.  But, I do know that I am very ready to pursue a life with him now.

I told a friend of mine in Boise about all that was going on. I told her that our relationship has been fermenting like a good wine for the last twenty years, which is how long it has been since I had seen him.  She giggled and thought that our story might make a good fairytale/romance novel...lols....  And the truth is, that I love him with all I am.  And, I know that he loves me in the same fashion, if not moreso.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him again tomorrow.

I haven't even unpacked anything yet!

New Life, New Happiness

It is strange how some thing simply hit you like a freight train.  I have been living in Boise, Idaho for about four-and-a-half years now, and man, am I sick of it.  While it is true that I have made some awesome friends, it is simply not home, and I am very ready to return to my hometown of Reno.  It's funny because whenever I have told people that I am moving to Reno, they get this shocked look on their face and say, "Reno? Why would anyone move to Reno on purpose!"  When I tell them that Reno is my hometown, their expression relaxes and they say "Oh. I see."  Or something similar.

But, not only am I going back because I miss my family and my friends, I have reconnected with someone that I knew in high school.  I haven't seen him in twenty years and even though our lives took separate paths, we have remained friends and in contact on and off over the years. Our paths took on a similar journey.  We've both been married and divorced, had kids, had drama coming out of our ears, but we remained friends over the span of decades.

He also recently moved back to Reno after being in California for many years. Though we have stayed in contact off and on, he most recent message caught me a bit off guard.  We talked about old times and what has been going on in our recent pasts, and it was like we had never spent any time apart.  He is the most caring, gentle guy I have ever known, and I am so happy to be in his life again and he in mine.  This relationship hit me like a freight train although it has been fermenting like a beautifully aged wine for twenty years. I cannot wait to be back home.