Over a year....again...

Where to start.

The last year has produced some of the most diverse experiences of just about any year I have had.  Let's recap.

In October of 2017, Raven and I moved back to Boise because I took a job here.  I needed to get out of Reno badly as I wasn't "going anywhere" according to my father, which I would have to agree.  By that time I was driving for Uber full-time without a 'real' job to speak of.

The job that I took saw many changes over the last year.  Our lead was let go which led me to work 12-hour days for the better part of four months.  The stress of that sucked my soul away quicker than I ever thought possible. After that four months or so, they finally got some help and I guess they helped me right out of my job.  I was let go last Friday.

It's been almost a week and I have gotten one rejection letter after another.  I'm freaking out because of my massive amount of bills that are going unpaid, my rent that I am not sure that will be paid on time.  I just signed a new lease beginning in November, and to top all of that off, the rent went up by $115!  If I felt despair before, I certainly feel it now.  I have considered self-repossessing my car, which would help greatly as I upgraded it shortly after moving up here.  Big mistake on my part, but live and learn.  At the very least I am hoping that they will at least extend my payment by a month or so.  The car payment, that is.  I'm still stressing about my rent.

In brighter news, though, my son, Eagle (not his real name, by you all know that I don't use my kids' real names here) graduated from Navy boot camp and is now attending his A school to be a Nuke.  I am so very proud of him.  I just wish it hadn't been February in Chicago!  I hadn't seen that much snow since I was a kid living in Reno!

While I was there, some drama happened between myself and my older daughter, Butterfly.  To make a very long story short, she came to live with Raven and me for a few months.  While she was there, she got in contact with her biological dad.  I had suggested it.  She decided that she wanted to go stay with him in Washington state.  I agreed to take her up there knowing that her living conditions were not going to be the best.  Butterfly was 19 at the time and could make her own decisions.  I wasn't going to stop her from making her own choices.

And so, yes, she was there for a few months and decided that she didn't enjoy living there.  There were many things that were said that I will not repeat here, but suffice it to say, I will probably never hear from her again.  While that is my burden to bear, I cannot help thinking about what a failure I was as a mom/friend to her.  It was enough that I nearly killed myself over it.  Butterfly's birthday was yesterday, and I could not even say Happy Birthday because she wants absolutely nothing more to do with me...ever.

Moving along....

The last few months have been spent stressing over money, which is not somethin I usually do because I usually know that money will come from one source or another.  This is something entirely different, though.  I've never been, to my old failing memory, in a position where I couldn't come up with rent money, or food money, or gas money, or anything else that I really needed.  On the bright side, I know exactly where it was where I went wrong this time around.

Over the summer I traveled to Denver for their Gothfest.  It was exciting to see friends again and I truly hope to go there again soon.  Raven was able to come with me as the show was all ages.  She had such an excellent time meeting the bands, spending time with our friends there and seeing some of the sights of Denver.

Recently, we had one of Raven's friends come to stay with us for a few weeks.  Her parents were going through a divorce and her family was displaced from their home.  Her mom didn't want to take her out of her school while she worked so hard on trying to find a new place to stay.  I was happy to have her stay.  She was well-behave, and treated us everso much better than Butterfly.  While I wasn't sad to see her reunited with her family, I am sad that Raven will again be alone at home while I'm working.

I think that just about sums up the past year. It begins again with me again looking for work.  I am in the second phase of a job interview that will be conducted tomorrow.  This will be for a background investigation, which require 15 years worth of history.  I had a very difficult time remembering all the places I have lived and jobs I have had in that time.  I had an even more difficult time remembering dates.  I feel very bad for this background investigator because of the amount of digging he is going to have to do.  I counted 14 places I have lived in the last 15 years.  Yes, I know.  And that includes living in the house in Reno for four years!  Some places I only lived in for a few weeks or months.  Most rarely for years.

Filling out this paperwork has made me realize just how unstable my entire life has been.  I counted, one time, the amount of places I have lived since I was born.  Nearly 60!  Guys, I'm only 43.  And, I'm not in the military, and never have been.  *Sigh*  I feel like I am going to die never having spent more than five years in any one place.  Well, I just feel like I'm going to die.

I'm more depressed than ever before.  I have spent the majority of this week watching Netflix or movies checked out of the library.  I have no real direction.  I do have a few plans for what I'm going to do to become employed, though.  Plan A is to get this job with the county that I spent all this time on filling out paperwork for.  The downside is that it will take at least 2 months to get the background check finished, and with my history, probably longer.  I do not know.  Plan A.5 is to go to a local temp agency while the background investigation is being done so that I can at least make money.  (My most recent job put me in such a bad position by letting me go before I knew if I had the job or not....)  Plan B is to start driving for Uber again.  I went and got my Idaho driver's license finally, but I have to get my windshield replaced because it's cracked in several places.  It would never pass their safety/cosmetic damage requirements.

Plan C is my last desperate plan of attack.  My mother has offered for Raven and I to stay with her for a few weeks while I get back on my feet.  I'm so tired of having to "get back on my feet".  And, as much as I love my mom, the idea of living with her again does not appeal to me.  We are just too very different.  And, I would not enjoy the prospect of moving to Texas.  I also don't want to have to pull Raven out of yet another school.  So, you can understand why I would consider this a last resort.

My social life is still very nonexistent.  I haven't gone singing karaoke in weeks.  The last time I went, I managed to talk a friend into going with me.  He is even more anti-social than I am.  He's distrusting of everyone.  I think for the purposes of this blog, I'll just call him...  Bluejay.  He's a good guy, but we will never be anything more than just friends.  And online friends mostly at that.

I really need to find myself again.  I really need to figure out what it is that I really want to do.  I have had ideas in the past, but decided that I could never do them because I do not have the money to do so.  I have always been into the music scene in one form or another.  My ultimate dream would be to open a bed n breakfast for touring bands.  I'm not talking about famous bands who require 5-star treatment, although I would provide the best customer service/accommodations possible.  I'm taking about bands that tour that maybe can't afford $100/night hotels rooms.  How awesome would that be.  I dunno.  There might not even be a need for such a thing.  I'll have to ponder that more.

God damn, I feel like I've wasted my life away.....

Sometimes it's hard...

I have very little social life.  Some of that is self-imposed, some is ... well, I guess it's all self-imposed. I'm so introverted that being around people is just too difficult.  But, that's not why I'm writing today.  Well, maybe a little. And, I'm also very shy.  VERY shy...What a great combination.

This past week was Burning Man.  If you have never heard of Burning Man, you should check it  out.  It isn't for me. Too many people for my introverted nature and this year was exceptionally hot and those conditions are just not for me.  But, that isn't really why I'm writing, either.

I took many Burners to the airport after the week ended.  Many couples. Many couples who live apart for whatever reason.  I observed many goodbyes and it got me to thinking about how so very lonely I have become in the last few years.  I realized that I miss someone missing me.  Someone to come back to, to give strong bear hugs to and receive from.  At one point I had to wipe away a tear.

Like everyone else, I am filled with insecurities. But, for me, I am having trouble either accepting them or ignoring them in order for me to be more comfortable around larger groups of people.  It is strange because I have absolutely zero issue chatting up those who enter my car.  Why can't I take that confidence with me into public places?

I have tried the online dating thing. I even recently reactivated one of my profiles, but as usual, the only people that show interest in my profile are either way too young, way too old, or simply not my type.  It is difficult because I know what I don't want in a relationship.  And, I know what I want. I am flexible, but there are certain things that I have hard limits to.  Excessive video gaming is one.  I have been in relationships with guys that game a lot and it just didn't work out.  I won't do that every again.

I would simply love to find a friend.  A travel companion.  An activity partner.  A conversationalist. An uplifter of spirits. A motivator. A confidante.  A shoulder to cry on.  Someone I can leave notes for.  Someone I can uplift and motivate. Live life with.  Sheesh, now I just sound sappy.

So, my dating life is at a halt, as has been the way for quite some time.  And I can't stand it. But, only I can change it.  I get that. I think I'm doomed.

That does it. I'm getting out to sing tonight.

Perfection is Futile...

...
Or so I've heard.  I am a Virgo, after all.  And we strive to be perfect in all that we do.  I am reminded that my birthday is coming up, again.  I'll be a 40-something with so little to show for the last four+ decades that I just wish I was dead sometimes.  I have never really had much ambition in life.. well, actually, I had a lot, I just allowed myself to cave into the nee sayers that have plagued my existence since I was a kid who wanted to be an astronaut.  Well, actually, I realized that I had zero talent for math or science, so that was on me.  But everything else, pretty much has been doomed before it began thanks to the lack of support from, well, everyone.

I have had a lot on my mind as of late.  The desire to move out of Reno has dominated my thoughts.  It is getting to be very expensive to live here.  Housing costs have gone up, which haven't really affected me too much, but my desire to move out of the place I live in now is causing me concern because I cannot afford to live anywhere else at the moment.  The people here are awful, for the most part.  There are a few gems that I have gotten to know, but in all reality, I am a very lonely and bitter woman right now.  I have tried to reach out to meet people, but I am so awkward in public that it just doesn't reflect who I really am.  I want out.

I have considered several places in my desire to move.  I have to keep Raven in my considerations because she has already been uprooted more times than I care to admit, and I want my next move to be my permanent address, at least until she moves out on her own.  Places in consideration are Boise, Nashville, Denver, Sacramento, Spokane and Portland.  The majority of those places are even more expensive than Reno, but would be worth the move to be with people who wouldn't treat me like a second-class citizen. Or a backup friend. 

So, I think that I will end up back in Boise.  At least I know that there I have friends who enjoy my company as I do theirs.  I was happy there.  I should never have left in the first place.  There are a lot of things I shouldn't have done, and would do differently if given a second chance, which is what I am looking for right now anyway.

I try so hard to be a happy person.  An upbeat person.  There's not very many who can say that I am not this way.  Most of my riders (I drive for a TNC company) have been happy enough with my service that they rate me with 5 stars.  I value that input and always feels awful when I end up with less than that.  It makes me wonder what I did or said to get a less than perfect score from these riders.  Again, perfection if futile.  I cannot always make everyone happy.  Just do better next time.  But, I see my rating slowly slipping into something that is truly depressing and wonder if I made the right choice in doing this on a full-time, only job basis.  I will admit to having looked for other jobs, but my interviewing skills still leave a lot to be desired and I am afraid that no one will take me seriously or give me the chance to prove that I am a worthwhile person.

Sheesh, I sound really depressed.  Well, I am.  I try to hide that through cheerful banter in my car.  I try to hide those feelings from Raven, but it is tough.  I think she suspects that I am not always as happy as I pretend to be, and that makes it that much harder.  There are times when I do not want to be around anyone, especially her.  She is a constant reminder of how I fail, epically, as a mother.  She's such a great kid, though.  Growing up so fast.

I freaking hate my life.  I have no idea what it is that brings me happiness anymore.  Well, a really good plate of nachos is a start, but that lasts up until the first bout of heartburn, then I instantly regret that option.  Seriously, though, it has been forever since I was truly happy.  Going to club doesn't bring happiness.  If anything, it exacerbates those feelings of worthlessness and inferiority that I constantly feel.  Always the outsider among society's outcasts.  And that really sucks.  A good book doesn't really bring me happiness anymore, either.  I was told by someone I thought was a friend that I should read more philosophy.  She might be right, but who is the right person to read? Aristotle? Dali Lama? Hitler?  Or perhaps all of them?

I am a person of very little conviction.  Live and let live and leave me alone about it.  So much is going on in this world that I have no opinion about.  I know people who go and march against everything they can, which is fine for them, but very little changes just because someone marches.  A waste of time, if you ask me.  I'd rather be out hiking or listening to music or something.  And, it seems that things don't change with the vote, either.  Someone somewhere has predetermined where this country is going and who will be the one to lead us into the ground.  But, this post isn't about politics, which we all know doesn't make everyone happy...if anyone.

I have no opinions on things like religion or government or which football teams I think is the best or what style is cool or what music is considered good or not.  Besides, I am nobody and my opinions wouldn't matter to anyone else who mattered anyway.  Why should I bother.

I'm writing this to get things off my chest.  If you have read this far, then I thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so. I know, you probably want the last ten minutes of your life back, or however long it took you to read this far.  Sorry, no refunds.

People run in the race of the pursuit of happiness.  Just what is it that makes people happy?  It doesn't really matter to me. I just need ideas because I am out of them.  There are times when I feel like King Haggard from The Last Unicorn.  Nothing made that guy happy either, except the unicorns.  I guess I need to find my unicorn...whatever that may be.  I don't care for doing arts and crafts anymore.  I don't like cooking anymore.  I don't have the patience to learn how to draw although it might help me focus.  I suck at it though.  I have little imagination for ideas on things to learn.  I know, the sky's the limit, but my ceiling is only about six feet high.

I need help.  Actually, I don't really need help. I need a friend.  Someone local who is willing to talk to me about what's going on. About the weather.  About whatever.  When I was younger I had a lot of friends.  Ones who would hang out together, go dancing together or even to the movies or the mall.  Where are those friends these days?  I moved away.  That's where.

I am trying to pinpoint exactly when I became this bitter individual.  Well, the inferiority complex began when I was in kindergarten with bullies and I never recovered from that.  I'm still sensitive and I still cry at the drop of a hat, which sucks, but that's how I've always been. I really wish I had someone's shoulder to cry on right now.  Crying to my computer screen isn't really helping anything except giving me blurry vision.

I've always been shy, but now I'm extremely introverted as well.  I don't want to be around a huge crowd of people.  That's one reason I enjoy driving people around.  I get to talk to people in small groups or one on one and then I don't really see them again. My car is my safe space and I do feel amazing there.  It's hard sometimes because there are some who intimidate me to the point where I feel like I should crawl back into my clamshell, but I push through, somehow.  I think those are the people who tend to rate me lower than I feel I deserve, because I do try my best.  But, I can't make everyone happy.  Personality conflicts and all that.

I wish I could give up on trying to be perfect.  I know I never will be and it's depressing.  It is difficult to think that there are people out there who do not like me.  *gasp*  I wish I could say I don't care about that.  Well, I do.  I care a lot.  I care about whether or not people will show up to my funeral.  I have a feeling that not even some of my family would show up.  If my parents go before me, then I don't think that anyone would go.  My sister doesn't give a crap about me.  My brother and I are on speaking terms, but well, dammit, that reminds me that I forgot to bring his birthday card to him... grrrr.....

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  There are times when I wish I was dead. What have I done in this life worth being proud of anyway.  Not a damn thing.  I guess I'd better find my happy spot and soon....

Is There Anywhere...

... where I will ever feel welcome?

I'm an outsider among outsiders. My social skills are less than stellar and every time I open my mouth to say something, I immediately wish I hadn't.  I can sense others feelings toward me changing rapidly, and not for the better most times.  I try to be cheerful and civil and most of the time even a bit silly because that's all I know how to be.  But most times it isn't enough.  From coworkers who refuse to talk to me or include me in much of what they are doing (whatever, I have my music to keep me company) to the feeling that I just simply don't belong there in the first place.  I just do not understand my place in this world.  Perhaps I never will.  There are times when the alternative seems ever better, but I cannot take that alternative route. 

Friends are in short supply, as in no supply.  There is no one I can talk to.  None.  Zero.  Nobody.  Writing only helps in the short term, but being alone is not a long term solution.  And I fear that I will be alone forever.  I do not feel worthy of anyone. Not work, not friends, no one.  Not even myself. 

No one can save me. I can only save myself, but the path to that goal seems incredibly daunting and I do not know if I have what it takes to overcome these feelings. 

So, I offer these lyrics by Some Girl (yes, that's the name of the artist)

Save Me

You walked into my life and told me what you see
I thought I'd seen it there is no one left but me
Every step I take a footprint erased in time
Is it me who lives life in rewind
I come into the light
Where are your angel wings?

Look at me I'm not just some girl
Did you come to save me from my empty world

Oh, how the air changes from warm to cold
Sunshine to a cloudy day
You took my hand and it slowly went away
Did you look at me from the other side
Where are your angel wings
Can you take me for a ride

Look at me I'm not just some girl
Did you come to save me from my empty world

The time has come and here we are can you save me from myself
So take my hand and we'll fly away to a better day
The time has come and here we are can I save you from yourself
So take my hand and we'll fly away to a better day

Chaos, Depression, and Leave me the Hell Alone...

The last several months have been an internal nightmare for me.  Depression has set in more than usual.  Several factors have contributed to this latest journey into the abyss. 

Firstly, I work in an environment where it is sometimes hostile, sometimes not.  I'm sure that I'm the only one who feels this way.  As thick as my skin is, I often see more than is really there, but no matter how hard I try to be nice to people, attempt to talk, and have conversations, those around me pay me little to no attention at all. And, unfortunately, the words that do end up leaving my mouth bypass the filter so I usually end up offending someone or sounding like an absolute idiot.  So why even bother. In order to avoid this, I plug in my earbuds and listen to music all day.

This does not mean that I am oblivious to that which goes on around me.  So many times I hear conversations around me that are so hypocritical in nature, but I keep my mouth shut because why do I care?  I am not one to allow words to have more power than they need.  I do not get offended by words easily.  Call me whatever you want.  I couldn't care less.  But when I hear what I hear, it really chaps my hyde to think that you get offended by something that I have said, but then turn around and mock others.  It's innocent enough, and I don't care about that, but still... It's the hypocritical nature of the beast that irks me. 

I also don't like being ignored.  Another reason why conversation doesn't do me very good.  I could interject here and there, but normally I haven't been invited to the conversation.  Not that an open conversation requires an invitation, but I feel like such a scourge, a no one, a cypher if I may... nothing....

The second thing that has me really perplexed is that one of my friends, who I have know for over a decade, decided that we were no longer to be friends after I posted a response to something she had posted on Facebook.  What I posted wasn't even offensive.  Not to me, and not to anyone I spoke to about it after the fact.  I cannot believe that she would up and sever our friendship without so much as a word.  Why do people do this?  While this isn't the first time, or even the second, that this has happened to me, it leaves me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. 

After all, there must be something. Did I say something? Did I do something? Are we just incompatible now?  Did I not do enough to make you feel like I was your friend?  A conversation in the very least would have at least been good form.  But you know what? Screw me. I don't matter.  Does anyone really matter?

So often I have contemplated ending it all.  No One, and I mean NO ONE (except perhaps Raven) would even miss me.  I wouldn't be a burden on my family anymore.  I wouldn't be taking up precious oxygen that could be going toward those who deserve it more.  If it seems like I'm am extremely self-degrading it's because my esteem couldn't possibly be any lower.  No friends except those online and extremely far away, and even then, they are not really friends, but acquaintances no matter how much I enjoy chatting with them online.  They are great people, but I fear that if we were to hang out, I would just end up offending them and they would end up severing the friendship eventually.  Invariably it happens.  When people tell me that I'm no good for years and years it tends to not just break me and leave me without the foundation to build myself back up.  Am I hard on myself?  Yes, I am.  I believe we all are.  I have very high expectations for myself and when I don't live up to them, I get upset with myself. 

Everywhere I go, there I am and until I figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me, then I will forever be doomed to repeating the same mistakes.  I would say that the goingson in the last several months is not my fault, however as a friend of mine once said, "We are all 100% responsible for our 50% of the relationship."  This also applies to friendships as well.

I just wish that the other 50% would just talk to me instead of severing friendships without notice. 

I'm pretty sure that eventually I will be okay.  I have no money for a counselor or a therapist and honestly I am not sure that would do much good.  I have to work this out on my own, just like I do every time I get down and out like this.  I do, however, wish that death would come peacefully in the night....

An Update...

I spend so much time writing blogs, doing research for the two show I'm a part of that I hardly get the chance to write here anymore. 

The shows are going well although I have found myself slipping behind in my blogs for Erosion Factory. I didn't even get the ones out for this week, and although that's a bad mark on my part, I know that I will get to them when I have the time. Today, though I am taking time to write about myself.  I don't think that's too much to ask....

Raven is doing well. It's summer break, finally, and she is loving not having to go to school. I swear that this district is the last in the nation to take summer break.  They only get six weeks and begin the next school year in the middle of August.  But no matter. She's on break right now, and that's all that she cares about.

I've been really depressed the last several months.  I'm not quite sure why, exactly, but some of it might have to do with being lonely so much. I don't really have any in the way of friends that I spend a lot of time with, except for Falcon, and even then, usually it's only to see him before I take him to work. So rarely do we spend any friend time together.  I'm not even sure I know what that means anymore.  I don't have any female friends to spend any friend time with.  And again, I have no idea what that really means. 

I've been in a place of spiritual awareness, and realizing that I have gone back to my religious roots.  Don't worry. I'm not going on a bible thumping spree anytime soon, but lately I have been wondering if I'm on the right path or not.  Honestly, who knows.  But I do know that something has to change or else I'm going to continue on this emotionally self-destructive path.  I have no idea what it's like to laugh at something funny.  What is funny anyway?

I'm working part time for a background screening company. I enjoy the job for various reasons.  It's flexible, laid back and I've even gotten to start taking work home with me, mostly so that I can be home for Raven during the summer weeks when I'm not able to send her to the Club.  It's been nice and I couldn't ask for a nicer boss or coworkers.

This blog spent several days in "draft" form and I'm just now coming back to it. I've edited some things, but the gist of the blog remains the same. I haven't been able to kick these blue feelings and I fear that if I am not able to do something about it that it might end up disastrous.  No, I don't plan on checking out early, but emotionally this has had a horrible effect.  I've gained a lot of weight and it's just dragging me down even further.  Sure, I could maybe do something about it, but the motivation just isn't there.....

I'm sure this is just a phase, but honestly, the blue phases haven't ever lasted quite so long and I would really like to find a way to clear the negative energy.  I know I'll be okay in the end, but I fear how much damage my state of mind might be doing to Raven. I'm not motivated to get out of the house too often, not even to get her out to the park, although we did go for a short while the other evening.  I know she enjoyed that.

Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

Looking Up and Seeing....

Well, the other night was a Blue Moon.  It was also a Harvest Moon, if I read correctly.  Some really take astrology stuff very seriously. I am not one of those, although, sometimes there are things to coincidental that it is difficult not to take it more seriously.  I am wondering if part of the depression had to do with the stars. Doubtful.  More likely it had something to do with my monthly cycle, the fact that I hadn't found a full-time job, or that Raven has become increasingly more interesting to deal with.  (She's almost ten and starting to assert that independence that most children start exploring with at that age.)

Or perhaps the depression goes a lot deeper than that.  Once, I tried to seek help, but without having insurance or a massive amount of money, I was forced to seek help from interns at a clinic in Boise.  The trouble with that was that the intern that I was seeing was only going to be there for a few more weeks and then I would start seeing some other intern.  I guess I didn't want to get frustrated by having to continually reexplain my issues every few months to someone new. 

So, I have been dealing with these issues on my own my entire adult life.  Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I have horrible days.  I guess that is a part of being human.  We all have days like that. 

I haven't quite found the job that I want, but I was able to get full-time work in a warehouse.  Reno is full of them.  There never seems to be a shortage of warehouse jobs.  I went to a staffing agency, which for me is sometimes better because I really don't interview very well in the real world. 

The first assignment is only about six weeks, but that's better than the sporadic hours I have with my current job.  I actually kept my current job in case the warehouse doesn't work out as well as I had hoped, and will keep it even if it does and work it a few nights a week.  With Raven starting school in just over a week, it will be really nice to have a job that keeps me able to get her to school in the mornings and still have time to pick her up from the Boys and Girls Club before they close. 

Getting out of the financial hell I've gotten myself into is important and I believe will help me get out of that part of the depression.  It will take a few weeks, but once I'm out, I plan on staying out.  Isn't that always the goal?

So, on my own anti-depression plan, I take things one day at at time and try not to be so hard on myself.  Self-forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to achieve.  Because I'm so hard on myself.  If I don't be, no one else would.  I'm also trying to verbalize things I am thankful for.




They include:
Waking up alive this morning
A boyfriend, that while not romantic in any way, shape, or form, is still there for me, even if I can't really talk to him about some things. And, the fact that he is always willing to help me with Raven.  He's been more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was.
Raven, who while difficult, is still a great girl, and is growing up to be an awesome young lady.
My old job and my new job. 
The roof over my head and the food on the table

This isn't helping....

God, I wish I had someone to talk to......

Is There Any Hope Out There?

Don't let the smile on my face fool you.  It is there to prevent people from asking the age old question, "Are you okay?" 

No, I'm not okay.  I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now.  I don't think that I will ever be "okay".  But, I'm not leaving, either.  You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it.  Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am.  She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life. 

Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay.  I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay.  In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.

Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help.  I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now.  I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job.  True.  But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others.  I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential.  I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop.  Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream.  When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill. 

Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed.  The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it.   Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did.  Does post partum depression last this long if not treated? 

I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place.  Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am.  And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you.  I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks.  Apparently, not enough.  I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire.  Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!

The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much.  I'm still in the same state as before.  Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up.  I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to.  They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway.  Few local that I can really go to to talk to.  I move around too much.  Most of my friends are far away.  Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on.  Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on.  I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression.  And, I don't bother him with it.  

God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....

But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying.  But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....

A Bad Place is Like a Cage...

... that is hard to break out of.

For me, this has been on of the most terrible weeks on record.  And sure, there have been other individual events that have had an even greater impact on my mind and soul, and even my body, but as far as overall mental state goes, this has been a fairly tough one. 

I got sent home from an event earlier in the week because of too much outward venting of frustration.  I don't know the extent of the damage that the episode caused, but I'm sure I'll find out when I talk to my boss, who said today that she will talk to me along with a few other things that I've been doing wrong as of late.  No one likes to be told that what they are doing is wrong, but it is a learning situation, after all. 

The thing is, that I already know that being sent home for attitude was a silly thing to have happen.  I have many excuses as to why that was the case, but none of them are valid because I made the choice not to shut up about the situation.  The sad thing is that in nearly three years of working with this company, I have NEVER been sent home from an event due to attitude.  That's the kicker. Just what was I thinking anyway.  I've spend the last few days condemning myself and I even had nightmares of a related sort because of this.  I am hoping that after writing this and talking to my boss, that I can file it away under lessons learned and not dwell too much on it anymore.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am capable of shaming myself far worse than anyone else.  And, I am rather hard on myself.

In addition to this travesty, I held some training in a place that it apparently wasn't allowed, but how was I supposed to know?  I even asked, and was given the okay, but apparently I angered the building owner to the point of her coming and screaming at my boss.  Now the boss is talking about rearranging the office to facilitate training space within the office.  I am not quite sure why I am so upset about this other than my boss being yelled at. 

I do have a few things to be grateful for, though.  It was payday today, and I was able to get my local account finally in order.  That whole fiasco was more depressing that anything else.  Watching over three hundred dollars go down the drain because of the alternator that I had to replace a month ago.  How the heck does the bank sleep at night anyway, charging $8 a day for one overdraft charge anyway.  Anyway, that's finally done and over with and I've made appropriate changes to the account to ensure that doesn't happen again.  That's one nightmare I don't intend to have again.

I was able to pay at least half of my current bills today, which have also been plaguing me lately.  At least I haven't gotten any disconnect notices, but it is still upsetting and frustrating that I can't stay on top of the most basic bills.  Which is why I have been devoted to finding a new job. 

Please don't get me wrong.  I do enjoy my current job, but with the hours being so sporadic, it is difficult to create a stable budget and such.  I would rather have a job where it was routine and predictable rather than sporadic and unstable. I would also like to have a job that isn't so hard on my body. 

It's been raining a lot this week, which has prevented me from going hiking.  I enjoy hiking and getting closer to nature.  I know how much my area needs the water, so I am ecstatic that Mother Nature is finally being more generous with the rain, but along with the rain comes inadvertent sadness.  I don't quite understand why the rain brings such emotions, but it does.  Making that choice to stay happy during a rain storm is difficult for me.  It is probably because movies have conditioned us to feel sad when it rains.  How many movies have funeral scenes or other sad scenes that take place during rainy weather?  A lot that I can think of.  Okay, that's a stretch, and it's my choice to feel sad, but sometimes, that's the only choice to make.

The sadness really feels like a cage that I am having difficulty breaking out of.  There are many locks on this cage, and they all require different keys.  It's as if I have all of the keys, but cannot figure out which locks the different keys go to.  Is there a map or a code or cheat sheet or something?  Am I missing something vital? I feel like it's something. 

I have a great relationship with Falcon.  It is true that it isn't perfect, but what relationship is?  We've never argued, but I can sense the unhappiness sometimes.  Or perhaps I am just deflecting.  I won't say that I'm always happy, but then, it isn't his job to bring me happiness all the time, right?

Raven frustrates me more often than not, but she's also getting to that stage where nothing I say actually sinks in.  I'm sure that it's only a phase, but just how long it will last, who knows.  She's a great kid, though.  She made my bed the other day, and it was such a great job. 

My dad helped me with a major issue that my car was having.  The mechanics did a wonderful job.  (Which reminds me, I really should write a review in my other blog about them.)  I haven't had any issues with the power steering since the replaced the hose.  I am grateful for that.  I do feel bad that he had to help me with this, though.  I should be able to take care of that myself.

I hate that I am way too dependent on others for simple things.  Well, some things not so simple, but still, I should be able to get through this life on my own.  I'm supposed to be some sort of independent female, but it seems like I'm always needing help with this or that, like gas for the car.  (Thanks for being there for me, Falcon.) 

I'm sure that some people will read this and think that there are people out there with bigger problems than this.  Of course there are.  I know that, but I don't care about other people's problems.  I care about mine.  I don't live others' lives.  They don't live mine, either.  So, it doesn't really matter what others are going through.  It has no impact on my life.

I wish I had the money for a therapist.  I don't.  So, I'm just going to have to work out these feelings alone.  I must, for the sake of sanity, figure out which keys go to which locks.  Eventually, I know that the cage will open and I will be free.

I Always Have a Plan...

....even if the plan doesn't quite work out the way I want.  I have not given up on the current plan, but I also have a backup just in case.  After that, I am not so sure. 

I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier.  I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing.  So, I haven't tested for that yet.  And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for.  I wonder about that sometimes.  How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?

It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work.  I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work.  And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again?  Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago.  But, it's not. 

And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind.  We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year.  He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do.  We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed.  It's not that far away, after all.  Perhaps I should do that.  Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc.  I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.

There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up.  But, we can't have that.  It's not in my nature.  Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Giving up, that is. 

I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that.  I wish I was more creative.  More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal.  I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc.  I wonder what's wrong with me.  Nothing, they'd say.  Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.
 

God, I'm getting too old for this. 

Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography.   I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while. 

I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......

When There is Nothing I Can Do...

I would never be one to say that I have a lot of friends.  I have many acquaintances, and a smattering of those whom I would truly call a friend.  I mean, we are talking about less than a hand's worth of friends.  The trouble is that I live far away from all of them.  Except Falcon, but for the sake of this blog entry, he is not being considered here.  He's so much closer than just a friend.

One of my friends has told me that I am the one friend with the least amount of drama.  I try to keep it that way.  I try not to bring those around me into my own private hell if I can help it.  I'm not innocent of posting the once-in-a-while rant on Facebook that contains tidbits of drama.  Even here, I am guilty of posting much of my personal life for the world to view. In my real life, I'm a very reserved individual and only tell people things on a need-to-know basis.  Basically, if you don't ask, I won't tell you.

I am not without my fair share of depression and blue feelings.  I'm human, or so it was the last time I was checked.  I tend to deal with depression in my own way, choosing to keep it in until it goes away, and eventually, it does, even if the reasons behind the depression have not actually been resolved.  I simply remember that the world isn't ending and putting an early end to myself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (as the old cliche goes). 

But, most of my friends are not me.  They deal with their feelings in different ways.  Let's say that I have five friends.  3/5 of them are having some pretty heavy issues lately. 

And, there's nothing I can do to help any of them. 

In fact, they each live in different states.  This is what I get for moving around so much.  I get to see some really awesome parts of the country and make some really interesting friends/acquaintances, but when I move, I leave them behind, even if we keep in touch via social media. 

But I can't be there for them.  I can't wrap my arms around them when they need a hug.  I can't give them my shoulder for them to cry on.  I can't offer my ear for them when they just need to vent.  I have to wonder, what the heck kind of friend am I, anyway. 

Not a very good one, I'm afraid.  That doesn't lessen the pain I feel in my soul when they are sad.  Or depressed.  Or scared. Or hurt.

As I write this, I feel as if there is a large chunk of this blog entry missing.  That there was something else I was supposed to say.  I feel like I should apologize for not being there.  I feel like I should be able to do more.  If only I had the money/time to visit. 

Or, perhaps that is just me having an ego attack.  I'm not their only friend.  They have others who are there for them....I would hope, anyway.  I'm not the most important person in anyone's life.  I'm okay with that.

Chances are good that they might not even read this.  I have chatted with them via text, via messaging, via any way possible.  Even if I am not able to be there, I still exist. 

And I still care.

Depression and Black Roses

It's near the end of my second class in my return to college.  Though I'm finding the class challenging enough, I do wonder sometimes if I am worthy of the high grades that I am getting.  I read back on some of my papers, and even though there are no errors, I wonder.  I am the most critical of my work, as I believe we all are.  I don't even really like for people to read what I write here, but it is a great outlet, and if the truth be told, I want to be heard, even by the anonymous masses.

I've been super depressed as of late.  I don't know if it is the lack of human companionship in my life, stress of school, lack of personal path, spiritual path, or just life in general that is causing it.  I'm willing to bet that it is all of the above.  I haven't really dated much since I got to Idaho.  There were a few attempts that failed miserably and I attribute that to not being ready to be in the dating pool again.

I think I'm ready now, though.  Well, are any of us ever really ready for something like that? hahaha..  We put ourselves out there for others' scrutiny.  We take the chance on being rejected. No one likes to be rejected for whatever reason.  An ex's roommate once told me that the reason the ex left me was because I wasn't pretty enough to be with.  Damage to the ego much?  I may not be pretty, but what I lack in looks, I make up for in other areas. Like personality. I have plenty of that.

I was planting flowers in my garden the other day and someone asked me what my favorite flower is.  Wild black roses, I told him.  Needless to say that I won't be planting any of those in my garden anytime soon, but I looked back at that and realized that they are rare, just like me.  There is only one of me on the planet.  Just like there is only one of you.  We are each our own rare flower which cannot be replaced.  How we are cultivated, raised, and accepted is a huge part of how we turn out.  Do we wither away? Or do we thrive and bloom?

I feel as though I have been withering away slowly over the last eight months. Probably longer than that, but it is really the last several months that I have had to take a look at and ponder about. What I do know is that I am on the right goal path as far as school goes.  I have a goal for after graduation, and it will probably end me up somewhere other than Idaho, which is fine with me. I don't really have any ties here anyway.  At least, they are not strong enough to keep me here. My mother called me a gypsy for a reason.

There really isn't much else going on in my life right now. I go singing as often as I can.  I think I've gotten better, although I would really like to take lessons so that I can get better.  Too bad they are so expensive.  I knew I should have taken choir in high school instead of band! hahaha...

::endtransmission::

Make it End!

Oh, the pain. I'm not sure what I did to my left hand other than MAYBE hooping too much, if there is such a thing, or perhaps I type too much, which is way more plausible. It hurts to stretch my fingers or snap my fingers or even hold things heavier than a pound it seems. It feels as though I've bruised the inside of the palm of my hand, and I'm not sure how to fix it. I tried to ice it, heat it, massage it. Nothing has helped. I guess it is just a matter of time.

In other news, there is no other news....

End transmission.

Life in general

Life has, for the most part been going ok. There are good days and bad, but lately I've not been motivated to do things I normally enjoy. Swimming, reading, things like that. I'm sure that it is just a passing phase, and will be back to it in no time.

Work is the same from day to day, which is good, because I like things in my life that are constant. That is not to say that I am not spontaneous, but I like patterns.

That's all for now.