Over a year....again...

Where to start.

The last year has produced some of the most diverse experiences of just about any year I have had.  Let's recap.

In October of 2017, Raven and I moved back to Boise because I took a job here.  I needed to get out of Reno badly as I wasn't "going anywhere" according to my father, which I would have to agree.  By that time I was driving for Uber full-time without a 'real' job to speak of.

The job that I took saw many changes over the last year.  Our lead was let go which led me to work 12-hour days for the better part of four months.  The stress of that sucked my soul away quicker than I ever thought possible. After that four months or so, they finally got some help and I guess they helped me right out of my job.  I was let go last Friday.

It's been almost a week and I have gotten one rejection letter after another.  I'm freaking out because of my massive amount of bills that are going unpaid, my rent that I am not sure that will be paid on time.  I just signed a new lease beginning in November, and to top all of that off, the rent went up by $115!  If I felt despair before, I certainly feel it now.  I have considered self-repossessing my car, which would help greatly as I upgraded it shortly after moving up here.  Big mistake on my part, but live and learn.  At the very least I am hoping that they will at least extend my payment by a month or so.  The car payment, that is.  I'm still stressing about my rent.

In brighter news, though, my son, Eagle (not his real name, by you all know that I don't use my kids' real names here) graduated from Navy boot camp and is now attending his A school to be a Nuke.  I am so very proud of him.  I just wish it hadn't been February in Chicago!  I hadn't seen that much snow since I was a kid living in Reno!

While I was there, some drama happened between myself and my older daughter, Butterfly.  To make a very long story short, she came to live with Raven and me for a few months.  While she was there, she got in contact with her biological dad.  I had suggested it.  She decided that she wanted to go stay with him in Washington state.  I agreed to take her up there knowing that her living conditions were not going to be the best.  Butterfly was 19 at the time and could make her own decisions.  I wasn't going to stop her from making her own choices.

And so, yes, she was there for a few months and decided that she didn't enjoy living there.  There were many things that were said that I will not repeat here, but suffice it to say, I will probably never hear from her again.  While that is my burden to bear, I cannot help thinking about what a failure I was as a mom/friend to her.  It was enough that I nearly killed myself over it.  Butterfly's birthday was yesterday, and I could not even say Happy Birthday because she wants absolutely nothing more to do with me...ever.

Moving along....

The last few months have been spent stressing over money, which is not somethin I usually do because I usually know that money will come from one source or another.  This is something entirely different, though.  I've never been, to my old failing memory, in a position where I couldn't come up with rent money, or food money, or gas money, or anything else that I really needed.  On the bright side, I know exactly where it was where I went wrong this time around.

Over the summer I traveled to Denver for their Gothfest.  It was exciting to see friends again and I truly hope to go there again soon.  Raven was able to come with me as the show was all ages.  She had such an excellent time meeting the bands, spending time with our friends there and seeing some of the sights of Denver.

Recently, we had one of Raven's friends come to stay with us for a few weeks.  Her parents were going through a divorce and her family was displaced from their home.  Her mom didn't want to take her out of her school while she worked so hard on trying to find a new place to stay.  I was happy to have her stay.  She was well-behave, and treated us everso much better than Butterfly.  While I wasn't sad to see her reunited with her family, I am sad that Raven will again be alone at home while I'm working.

I think that just about sums up the past year. It begins again with me again looking for work.  I am in the second phase of a job interview that will be conducted tomorrow.  This will be for a background investigation, which require 15 years worth of history.  I had a very difficult time remembering all the places I have lived and jobs I have had in that time.  I had an even more difficult time remembering dates.  I feel very bad for this background investigator because of the amount of digging he is going to have to do.  I counted 14 places I have lived in the last 15 years.  Yes, I know.  And that includes living in the house in Reno for four years!  Some places I only lived in for a few weeks or months.  Most rarely for years.

Filling out this paperwork has made me realize just how unstable my entire life has been.  I counted, one time, the amount of places I have lived since I was born.  Nearly 60!  Guys, I'm only 43.  And, I'm not in the military, and never have been.  *Sigh*  I feel like I am going to die never having spent more than five years in any one place.  Well, I just feel like I'm going to die.

I'm more depressed than ever before.  I have spent the majority of this week watching Netflix or movies checked out of the library.  I have no real direction.  I do have a few plans for what I'm going to do to become employed, though.  Plan A is to get this job with the county that I spent all this time on filling out paperwork for.  The downside is that it will take at least 2 months to get the background check finished, and with my history, probably longer.  I do not know.  Plan A.5 is to go to a local temp agency while the background investigation is being done so that I can at least make money.  (My most recent job put me in such a bad position by letting me go before I knew if I had the job or not....)  Plan B is to start driving for Uber again.  I went and got my Idaho driver's license finally, but I have to get my windshield replaced because it's cracked in several places.  It would never pass their safety/cosmetic damage requirements.

Plan C is my last desperate plan of attack.  My mother has offered for Raven and I to stay with her for a few weeks while I get back on my feet.  I'm so tired of having to "get back on my feet".  And, as much as I love my mom, the idea of living with her again does not appeal to me.  We are just too very different.  And, I would not enjoy the prospect of moving to Texas.  I also don't want to have to pull Raven out of yet another school.  So, you can understand why I would consider this a last resort.

My social life is still very nonexistent.  I haven't gone singing karaoke in weeks.  The last time I went, I managed to talk a friend into going with me.  He is even more anti-social than I am.  He's distrusting of everyone.  I think for the purposes of this blog, I'll just call him...  Bluejay.  He's a good guy, but we will never be anything more than just friends.  And online friends mostly at that.

I really need to find myself again.  I really need to figure out what it is that I really want to do.  I have had ideas in the past, but decided that I could never do them because I do not have the money to do so.  I have always been into the music scene in one form or another.  My ultimate dream would be to open a bed n breakfast for touring bands.  I'm not talking about famous bands who require 5-star treatment, although I would provide the best customer service/accommodations possible.  I'm taking about bands that tour that maybe can't afford $100/night hotels rooms.  How awesome would that be.  I dunno.  There might not even be a need for such a thing.  I'll have to ponder that more.

God damn, I feel like I've wasted my life away.....

Perfection is Futile...

...
Or so I've heard.  I am a Virgo, after all.  And we strive to be perfect in all that we do.  I am reminded that my birthday is coming up, again.  I'll be a 40-something with so little to show for the last four+ decades that I just wish I was dead sometimes.  I have never really had much ambition in life.. well, actually, I had a lot, I just allowed myself to cave into the nee sayers that have plagued my existence since I was a kid who wanted to be an astronaut.  Well, actually, I realized that I had zero talent for math or science, so that was on me.  But everything else, pretty much has been doomed before it began thanks to the lack of support from, well, everyone.

I have had a lot on my mind as of late.  The desire to move out of Reno has dominated my thoughts.  It is getting to be very expensive to live here.  Housing costs have gone up, which haven't really affected me too much, but my desire to move out of the place I live in now is causing me concern because I cannot afford to live anywhere else at the moment.  The people here are awful, for the most part.  There are a few gems that I have gotten to know, but in all reality, I am a very lonely and bitter woman right now.  I have tried to reach out to meet people, but I am so awkward in public that it just doesn't reflect who I really am.  I want out.

I have considered several places in my desire to move.  I have to keep Raven in my considerations because she has already been uprooted more times than I care to admit, and I want my next move to be my permanent address, at least until she moves out on her own.  Places in consideration are Boise, Nashville, Denver, Sacramento, Spokane and Portland.  The majority of those places are even more expensive than Reno, but would be worth the move to be with people who wouldn't treat me like a second-class citizen. Or a backup friend. 

So, I think that I will end up back in Boise.  At least I know that there I have friends who enjoy my company as I do theirs.  I was happy there.  I should never have left in the first place.  There are a lot of things I shouldn't have done, and would do differently if given a second chance, which is what I am looking for right now anyway.

I try so hard to be a happy person.  An upbeat person.  There's not very many who can say that I am not this way.  Most of my riders (I drive for a TNC company) have been happy enough with my service that they rate me with 5 stars.  I value that input and always feels awful when I end up with less than that.  It makes me wonder what I did or said to get a less than perfect score from these riders.  Again, perfection if futile.  I cannot always make everyone happy.  Just do better next time.  But, I see my rating slowly slipping into something that is truly depressing and wonder if I made the right choice in doing this on a full-time, only job basis.  I will admit to having looked for other jobs, but my interviewing skills still leave a lot to be desired and I am afraid that no one will take me seriously or give me the chance to prove that I am a worthwhile person.

Sheesh, I sound really depressed.  Well, I am.  I try to hide that through cheerful banter in my car.  I try to hide those feelings from Raven, but it is tough.  I think she suspects that I am not always as happy as I pretend to be, and that makes it that much harder.  There are times when I do not want to be around anyone, especially her.  She is a constant reminder of how I fail, epically, as a mother.  She's such a great kid, though.  Growing up so fast.

I freaking hate my life.  I have no idea what it is that brings me happiness anymore.  Well, a really good plate of nachos is a start, but that lasts up until the first bout of heartburn, then I instantly regret that option.  Seriously, though, it has been forever since I was truly happy.  Going to club doesn't bring happiness.  If anything, it exacerbates those feelings of worthlessness and inferiority that I constantly feel.  Always the outsider among society's outcasts.  And that really sucks.  A good book doesn't really bring me happiness anymore, either.  I was told by someone I thought was a friend that I should read more philosophy.  She might be right, but who is the right person to read? Aristotle? Dali Lama? Hitler?  Or perhaps all of them?

I am a person of very little conviction.  Live and let live and leave me alone about it.  So much is going on in this world that I have no opinion about.  I know people who go and march against everything they can, which is fine for them, but very little changes just because someone marches.  A waste of time, if you ask me.  I'd rather be out hiking or listening to music or something.  And, it seems that things don't change with the vote, either.  Someone somewhere has predetermined where this country is going and who will be the one to lead us into the ground.  But, this post isn't about politics, which we all know doesn't make everyone happy...if anyone.

I have no opinions on things like religion or government or which football teams I think is the best or what style is cool or what music is considered good or not.  Besides, I am nobody and my opinions wouldn't matter to anyone else who mattered anyway.  Why should I bother.

I'm writing this to get things off my chest.  If you have read this far, then I thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so. I know, you probably want the last ten minutes of your life back, or however long it took you to read this far.  Sorry, no refunds.

People run in the race of the pursuit of happiness.  Just what is it that makes people happy?  It doesn't really matter to me. I just need ideas because I am out of them.  There are times when I feel like King Haggard from The Last Unicorn.  Nothing made that guy happy either, except the unicorns.  I guess I need to find my unicorn...whatever that may be.  I don't care for doing arts and crafts anymore.  I don't like cooking anymore.  I don't have the patience to learn how to draw although it might help me focus.  I suck at it though.  I have little imagination for ideas on things to learn.  I know, the sky's the limit, but my ceiling is only about six feet high.

I need help.  Actually, I don't really need help. I need a friend.  Someone local who is willing to talk to me about what's going on. About the weather.  About whatever.  When I was younger I had a lot of friends.  Ones who would hang out together, go dancing together or even to the movies or the mall.  Where are those friends these days?  I moved away.  That's where.

I am trying to pinpoint exactly when I became this bitter individual.  Well, the inferiority complex began when I was in kindergarten with bullies and I never recovered from that.  I'm still sensitive and I still cry at the drop of a hat, which sucks, but that's how I've always been. I really wish I had someone's shoulder to cry on right now.  Crying to my computer screen isn't really helping anything except giving me blurry vision.

I've always been shy, but now I'm extremely introverted as well.  I don't want to be around a huge crowd of people.  That's one reason I enjoy driving people around.  I get to talk to people in small groups or one on one and then I don't really see them again. My car is my safe space and I do feel amazing there.  It's hard sometimes because there are some who intimidate me to the point where I feel like I should crawl back into my clamshell, but I push through, somehow.  I think those are the people who tend to rate me lower than I feel I deserve, because I do try my best.  But, I can't make everyone happy.  Personality conflicts and all that.

I wish I could give up on trying to be perfect.  I know I never will be and it's depressing.  It is difficult to think that there are people out there who do not like me.  *gasp*  I wish I could say I don't care about that.  Well, I do.  I care a lot.  I care about whether or not people will show up to my funeral.  I have a feeling that not even some of my family would show up.  If my parents go before me, then I don't think that anyone would go.  My sister doesn't give a crap about me.  My brother and I are on speaking terms, but well, dammit, that reminds me that I forgot to bring his birthday card to him... grrrr.....

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  There are times when I wish I was dead. What have I done in this life worth being proud of anyway.  Not a damn thing.  I guess I'd better find my happy spot and soon....

2016 Can Suck it...

...2017 is going to be much better.

Well here we are, another year coming to a close.  So much has happened, hasn't it?  So many people have died.  Prince, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, just to name a small few.  I think that I am starting to feel like my dad did (perhaps) when all of his childhood idols started to die off.  Although, I honestly don't think they dropped as quickly (or as young) as a lot of them were this year.  It's been a rough year for sure.

Then there's the election.  I won't say either way my feelings about it.  I will just sit back and wait to see what happens. 

And then there's my personal life.  A lot has happened with that this year as well, which is the primary focus of this particular blog.  Many high points of the year, but several less than spectacular ones too.  I started a new job toward the beginning of the year. I am still there and for the most part I am happy there.  Sometimes there is too much drama for my taste, but my earbuds make that all go away for the most part.  What I really need is to find something full-time with benefits.  #1 New Year's resolution for me.

This year for Raven's birthday we obtained two new members to our small family.  A pair of cats named Klaus and Elijah.  Yes, we love The Originals in this house.  Suck it.  We rescued them from the local Humane Society.  I had seen a few cats in the visiting room before making my choice and I had decided that I was going to take home the first one that purred at me.  After all, they are in kitty prison.  Purring probably wasn't going to come easy.  I also wanted one that was easy going. 

As I was adopting Klaus, a very big, fat black 10-year old cat, I noticed on his description sheet that he had come in with his housemate.  I didn't want to separate them.  The shelter didn't want them separated, either so I was surprised that they didn't mention him.  I took Elijah without visiting with him in the visiting room.  He's a big 8-year-old orange and white cat that is still getting used to the house, but he's a lot better. I am definitely enriched to have them here. Raven loves the snot out of them, too.

Let's see... what else... Oh, we started the radio show, A Walk on the Dark Side.  Raven and I have had a lot of fun with it so far.  I do now know what will become of the show for now. I have thought about quitting doing it, but a lot of people seem to enjoy it, so I would hate to disappoint them.  We've talked to a lot of people, and I've met a few great people in person as well. 

Oh, some low points, the one that this blog is truly about.  Two days before Christmas, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.  It's common enough, and it wasn't quite a shock to me.  I had been dizzy all week and my vision was blurry. I was drinking water like it was going out of style and I was in the bathroom all the time.  Classic signs.  I haven't told very many people, because I don't want anyone worrying. I know full well that Type 2 is reversible, and I fully plan on having this kicked by the end o 2017.  After all, it hasn't been that long and I've already made great strides in getting my sugar levels down.  Hell, the meter at my doctor's office only read HHH, which meant too high for the meter to read.  They really wanted to put me in the hospital, but I told them no.  Not on the holiday weekend. 

I've been taking those pills they gave me and checking my levels 3-4 times a day and the levels fluctuate, which is normal as I understand it.  Everyone's levels fluctuate during the day depending on what's been eaten, if there's been activity like exercise or something like that.  So, honestly, I'm not that worried.

I have only told my mom, Raven and Falcon.  I know he doesn't really care either way, but he knows that I will kick this thing as well.  My mom told me that diabetes was in the family. I wish I had known that sooner.  Not that it would have mattered. I probably would still not have done anything about it until it was too late.  Typical me.

It's really strange what the thought of diabetes will do to one's thoughts about food and life in general.  I quit drinking soda that very day.  Along with no more candy and basically no more fruit as that seems to spike my levels something fierce.  I've discovered new foods and a new fondness for black beans.  I even made black bean veggie burgers tonight. I never thought I would eat a meatless burger, much less one that I made on my own (with the help of ye ol' interweb).  I've been keeping track of my food intake for the last few days and interestingly enough, I've only consumed less than 1000 calories each day.  One might think that that is grounds for insanity, but I don't really feel all that hungry.  Perhaps my stomach is finally shrinking. 

When I went to the doctor, of course they took my weight.  So, not I have an official starting point, which I am not going to say here.  It's embarrassing enough, yes?  Just know that I plan on keeping a detailed account of what I'm doing from now on.  Perhaps not here, but somewhere. 

I just know that 2017 is going to be a way better year than any previous, diabetes and all.  It's time to get my ass in gear and live life.

Another End in Sight....

This year is coming to a close.  So much has happened that I haven't had the opportunity to write about.  Falcon and I are no longer together, although we are very good friends.  I know it's for the best, but even know, several months later, it still hurts like Hell. 

I am part of Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I have been since day 1 and I freaking love it!  The show is a four hour long program which has interviews about everything from horror movies to musical guests, artists and so much more.  My segment, The Onyx Music Moment, discusses albums that are coming out that week along with local shows that are happening and other little bits that I think listeners might find interesting. 

If you want to be a part of the ever-growing crowd that listens, please visit Beyond The Dawn Studios.  They have an amazing lineup of shows including music from independent artists when they aren't doing shows.  The show airs on Wednesdays from 3pm to 7pm Pacific time and re=airs on Saturdays from 4pm to 8pm Pacific in case you can't be with us on Wednesdays. It's an amazing show hosted by Jimmie Jones.  I've found out some amazing things while researching and listening to the other segments of this show. 

I've also come across some amazing new music from bands and artists I did not know existed.  I would also invite any bands/artists who might be reading this to submit their music to the show for exposure.  Send me a private message and I'll send you the email to submit your music. If you have friends who are in bands that need exposure, please feel free to share this link with them as well.  We welcome all genres of music because that's how we roll!

Let's see, what else has happened this year.  I worked briefly for the post office.  I quit for a multitude of reasons.  Instead, I found a nice desk job in a warehouse that sells used laptop computer parts, cell phones, and that sort of thing.  I don't make as much as the post office, but the personal benefits are worth more to me than money. 

I've reconnected with old friends this year. That was really nice. 

I'm also lonely as Hell.  I don't get out very much anymore.  I don't have a lot going for me other than the online radio show.  I don't get out to sing hardly at all, and I really miss it.  The last time I went singing, Raven's dad was in town for her birthday.  That was toward the beginning of this month.  I might have gone once since then, but I can't recall at the moment.  I'm also tired of being alone.  I don't mind being by myself.  I have plenty to do, but I would love to spend my time with a companion.  You know, like a boyfriend.  Falcon is a great friend, but it is evident that we will never be together again.  For me, that is very sad even though I know that it is for the best.  He is just happy being single, playing video games and going to karaoke when he likes.  I have other needs and wants that I would like fulfilled by someone special.  And before anyone remarks that I'll find love when I'm not looking... I already know that, but there's no harm in putting my desires out to the Universe.

I have a few New Year's resolutions this year.  I've already started most of them.  First, I wanted to get more exercise because I'm not getting what I used to get at the post office.  I've been walking three miles a day when weather permits.  Raven goes with me because we both need to get out into the fresh air more.  I have also started creating events for Raven and I to do on weekends.  At least once a weekend. I don't want our weekends to be a constant state of staying home watching movies all day.  That's what we did mostly today, and I about died.  I get cabin fever easily.

Otherwise, I guess nothing much happened.  I guess there wasn't as much as I thought. 

Hopefully, next year will be much better..... be sure to tune into Erosion Factory Radio Show!

Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

If at First You Don't Succeed...

... hit it with a sledgehammer until you get it right.

But, seriously, I had to do some reconsidering over the last few days.  I went back to the staffing agency, but they decided that they didn't have anything for me right now.  No worries. I got a call from another agency that was having a job fair today.  I went right down and all I have to do is give them proof of my education, which is no problem, and pass a background check and a drug test and I'm all set.  If all goes well, I'll be working again by next week.

Yes, more warehouse work, but I doubt that it will be half as arduous as the one I worked on Monday.  Ouch!

I'll just be glad to be caught up on all of my stuff, bills, etc.  I know most of us know what it's like to have less than no money.

I've considered looking for work in my career field outside of the state.  I am apprehensive about doing this for a few reasons.  Most of which are selfish, but sometimes that cannot be helped.

Most importantly, if I do look for work outside my state, I wouldn't want to move that far away.  I did find a promising opportunity in Southern California, which would be nice on multiple levels not the least of which would be Raven being physically closer to her dad.  Not that he would care too much about that or make an effort to see her, but who knows.  I'm not inside his head.  But, I don't want to have to uproot Raven AGAIN if it doesn't look good.

Secondly, I would miss Falcon like no one else in the world.  He would go with me.  At least, not right now.  We've talked about this once before, and he was pretty clear that he wasn't going to stand in the way of me getting the career I wanted.  I am not quite sure how to take that.  Does he not really care that much about being with me, or does he live by the old cliche "If you love someone set them free...." etc.  I don't know for sure, but sometimes I don't think he is truly happy.  I'll have to talk to him about it one day.

Thirdly, I'm just scared, plain and simple.  I am afraid of succeeding.  I'm afraid of being successful.  What if I am?  For me, that's a scary thought.

And, right now, I don't have the money to move.  Why am I talking myself out of this?  I should be sending out as many applications/resumes as I can.  I know that most will not all me back simply because I am not local to them. These are entry level jobs I am talking about, so what really do I have to lose?

But, what if one does?  What then?  ARGH! It makes me feel like this sometimes:

I do know that I really need to touch up on my phone interviewing skills.  They suck like a Hoover vacuum cleaner right now. 

Otherwise, I believe I am over most of the depression and sadness for the time being.  When I get this way, I usually get my hair cut.  I need to do that again.  I had an appointment a few weekends ago, but couldn't keep it due to a personal emergency.  I really need to reschedule.  Especially before Raven goes back to school. She was also scheduled to get her hair done.  She wants it short.  So do I. 

Well for now I believe I will just keep on the path that I'm on.  Get caught up and start saving money for a possible move.  If I'm not moving out of state anytime soon for a career, then at the very least I'll be saving to move somewhere in town that is bigger than a one-bedroom.  Raven is really starting to ask when we are getting a bigger place so that she can have her own room.  I've been asking myself that same question.  I really want a room to myself so that I can just stay up reading or talking on the phone or whatever.  And, she needs some space of her own.

Wow, that really got off topic.  Sometimes, the best conversations I have are inside my own head.  I was just thinking earlier today about soylent green.  I was wondering where the heck it came from, etc, and Falcon is really knowledgeable about such things.  I asked him and he gave me the lowdown.  Ick... But, there it is.  I really need to watch that movie.  Well, one of these days....

Yeah... my mind wanders to some really interesting places....

I believe I did warn you guys up front, though, right?

I Always Have a Plan...

....even if the plan doesn't quite work out the way I want.  I have not given up on the current plan, but I also have a backup just in case.  After that, I am not so sure. 

I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier.  I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing.  So, I haven't tested for that yet.  And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for.  I wonder about that sometimes.  How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?

It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work.  I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work.  And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again?  Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago.  But, it's not. 

And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind.  We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year.  He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do.  We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed.  It's not that far away, after all.  Perhaps I should do that.  Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc.  I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.

There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up.  But, we can't have that.  It's not in my nature.  Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Giving up, that is. 

I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that.  I wish I was more creative.  More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal.  I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc.  I wonder what's wrong with me.  Nothing, they'd say.  Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.
 

God, I'm getting too old for this. 

Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography.   I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while. 

I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......

What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up? Who Knows...

I'm frustrated.  Frustrated with my life, with myself.  I know that I have to be patient, but that patience only goes so far.  I look at where I am and think to myself that I should have been so much further than this.  I have a part-time job that is less than that at the moment because heaven forbid that a single mom can get any help with early morning daycare and have their kids to school on time and be to work at a decent hour.  Without early morning care, I do not have the opportunity for the majority of the work that my company does.  And, working night is out of the question on most nights.

So, I am resigned to finding a new job that is more compatible with my life, such that it is.  Don't get me wrong.  I really enjoy the job that I have now.  I even just got a raise a few weeks ago, but if I don't get any hours, the money means nothing.  As of now, I am only scheduled for one day for the next three weeks.  I'm screwed.



I had applied for a job at the beginning of April.  I never heard back after I got the test results back.  Perhaps they found the candidates they were looking for.  I was #19 on the list, after all.  It could be that they will call me soon.  I can't wait forever.  I need to get my life in gear.  I'm not getting any younger.

So, I went on the job hunt again.  I know about the law of averages.  The trouble is that for every two hundred jobs I look at, I might find one that I fit their minimum requirements for.  I really want to put this degree to good use, and so far it has been worthless.  So far.... I am not completely condemning it. 

Speaking of which, I actually thought about going back to school for another degree.  I want to do something with this world.  I looked at several degrees at both TMCC and UNR.  But, who am I kidding?  The degrees that are interesting and fall within my interest require so much science that it isn't even funny.  I barely passed high school biology and had to be taken out of chemistry my senior year.  I ended up in study hall instead.  I guess it was better that than not graduate due to crappy grades.  I'm not a science-minded individual.  And, aren't I a little bit old to be thinking about pursuing another degree that is just going to put me deeper in debt?

But, back to the job hunt.  I did apply for a few jobs today.  Local ones even.  And, I got an email back already saying that I get to take the test for one of them.  Since it is the same company for which I applied in April, I can only assume that it will be a similar test.  I guess this will be the chance to improve upon my score.  Or, perhaps it will be a completely different test.  We can only wait to see.  Either way, I really need to land one of these jobs.  And, I know how it goes.  When I do finally find a job, I will get calls from all of the other places that I applied to.  Thank you, Murphy!

What I do know is that my strengths lay in being the behind-the-scenes person.  Such as on the phones.  I didn't hate my job at Teleperformance, but I also didn't like being yelled at.  I can take a lot, but that last call was just too much.  It isn't something I will ever forget.  I do know that I communicate better when I'm not right in front of someone, such as behind this keyboard for instance.  But, for the most part I know that I can do well in any one of these jobs that I have applied for.  I just need a bit of fortune to get it!

So, wish me luck, if it pleases you.  I could use all the help I can get at this point. 

Cupcakes and Career Hunting

I tried to post a test blog from my phone, but it sent it to the wrong blog section.  I haven't written anything in my Random Library Findings in a while, so I don't quite know why the writing went there.  Oh well. I deleted it and decided to write from the source, or my computer, as it were.  It's okay.  I like the ability to edit etc. from here anyway.

Raven has been on Winter Break for the last THREE weeks!  What school tortures their parents like this anyway!  When my friends in other states were saying that their kids were going back to school this past week I was very jealous.  Money has been tight to say the least, so we didn't really do much of anything over her break.  I can't wait until she goes back to school.  She is not looking forward to it.  What kid does, really, but she told me flat out "not to mention it".  Oh well. I mentioned it anyway.. lol

Raven and I have been spending a lot of time at Falcon's apartment for various reasons.  Firstly, because he was helping with her daycare while she was on break.  I couldn't afford the money to put her in the Boys and Girls Club over the break which rather broke my heart because I know she loves going there and participating in the various field trips and such.  She also has a lot of friends that attend the club.  She didn't get to spend as much time with her friends over the break as I would have liked, but scheduling conflicts and a mysterious deletion of one of her friend's parents' contacts made that impossible. 

The other reason is that something happened to my hot water heater.  It took my dad several days before the new one he replaced it with finally started working.  It was the strangest thing.  He thinks that there might have been something going on with the breaker.  And go figure, the day after it starts working again, the garbage disposal starts to leak.   I tell you, if it is not one thing, it's another!

I wish I would have thought of this earlier in the break, but I didn't.  I decided that each day or every other day as time allows, Raven is to pick something new that she wants to learn about or how to do and we will research and learn this new thing together.  Even if we don't "master" the subject in a day (who does that anyway!) at least it will get her exposed to something new everyday.  She is the one to pick the subject matter and together we will research and learn it. 

Yesterday she wanted to learn how to make marble cupcakes.  An interesting topic, so I found a recipe online.  I have never made marble cupcakes so this was a new experience for both of us.  Falcon bought the majority of the ingredients so we could embark on this endeavor.  He didn't mind as he got to eat the final product.  Raven and I also made chocolate butter frosting from scratch.  Sure, it might seem like something simple to do, but to a 9-year-old who hasn't done much, it was a really good experience for her.  I think she enjoyed herself.  She certainly had fun spinning the knife in the batter!

In other news, I have finally finished my resume and did a bit of job hunting.  I haven't applied yet as I am waiting for my career adviser to reassess my resume.  He's been helping me to get it ready for sending out.  I did find what seemed like a really good job.  The starting pay is really good and it is an entry level position.  It seemed like something that one gets into in order to advance within the company.  Perfect for someone like me! 

The only drawback that I can see is that this job would take me out of Reno.  I don't mind that so much.  I have moved fifty times in my life, but I finally have a relationship that I don't want to leave behind.  Falcon has been so good to Raven and I and I couldn't bear to not be with him.  We briefly talked about this when we first met.  About the possibility of me leaving.  I don't know how he feels about coming with me if I were to get a good job and have to move.  He's got friends here and a decent job.  I will have to talk with him further.  I really want him to come with me if that time ever comes. 

But, as I haven't applied for the job yet, I don't want to dwell on anything negative for now.  I will cross that bridge when the time comes, but it helps to be prepared.  I can't imagine myself going kayaking without paddles, so to speak.

I've been having a bit of difficulty with my vision as of late.  I believe that I just need to get my glasses updated properly, but the rate at which I get dizzy watching a television or movie screen has been overwhelming.  Falcon bought me Skyrim for Xmas and I can't

play it because I get too dizzy.  He says that it is a common occurrence, but what good is it to try to play when I just feel nauseous all the time?  But as I cannot get that taken care of until I get some extra money, and I won't get extra money until either I can work more hours at my current job or find the aforementioned better job, then I'll just have to wait.  I just hope that I don't get dizzy while I'm driving or something.

Time has flown by and I cannot believe that it has nearly been a year since Titan's passing.  I have been thinking about him a lot as of late.  Those thoughts have brought me to tears and I've had to excuse myself a few times.  I know Falcon knows the reason for the tears, but he is kind not to say anything.  Needless to say, 2014 had its horrible points, but also it brought some of the best things to my life that I have ever had.  I do hope that 2015 treats me better.  I will be writing something about Titan in the anniversary blog in a few days.  I should probably send an email to his parents to see how they are doing.  My plan was to go singing karaoke and sing Titan's favorite songs including the one that took me months before I could sing again.  I don't know if that will happen or not. 

I suppose that this is enough of a novella for now.  I plan on writing more frequently in 2015.  I have the time for now.  It really helps get things off my chest and out into the open.  I have no idea who reads this although I do know that there are a few who do.  If you are one who reads this please feel free to leave a comment.  Encouraging or otherwise.  It doesn't matter. 

::endtransmission::

Raven Comes Back to the Nest!

It's been a mixed emotional first few days.  Oh, didn't I mention it? Raven has come home!  Went to pick her up over the weekend and so far it has been interesting.  She stayed with friends for the last two years while I was getting things put back together.  So, we have to get used to each other again.  I can be very demanding and at times overly protective and it can be rough on her.  I have to remember that she is someone with her own feelings, ideas and dreams and goals.  That's not the hard part, but I'm not the most patient mom in the world. 

I'm trying, though. 

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to juggle work, school and Raven, and while she's not in school, it's been okay, but what about when she starts school?  The last thing I want is for her to end up a latchkey kid.  She deserves better than that especially since she will be going from a family where she had two siblings to spend time with to going to me where she has no one else to spend afternoons with.  Fortunately, my schedule isn't so heavy that I work every day and I don't work weekends or evenings, but still.

I guess I can only do just so much.  I've really been freaking out over the last few days.  I gotta thank my cousin for getting my head straight..lol....

I just want to be a good mom to Raven.  She deserves at least that much.

Twenty Years of a Fermented Relationship - Aged, Like a Good Wine!

Many of the details have been forgotten, but some were thoughtfully written down in my hard diary over twenty years ago.....

My family had moved, yet again, in the middle of my 8th grade year.  I ended up going to a completely different junior high school where I knew absolutely no one.  There were many kids there who took one look at me and decided that I was not worth their time, or worth their time enough to give me absolute hell on earth.  I had very few friends.  Except for one....

I do not remember how we met or who introduced us.  I believe we were in band together.  As I recall, he played clarinet, and I played flute.  He was the nicest person I had met at that school. 

The 8th grade trip to D.C. was coming up and I begged my parents to allow me to go on the trip.  It was very expensive, and finally, they allowed me to go.  This guy was also going, and I was so excited!  I read in my diary that I really hoped I got to dance with him on the riverboat cruise that we were going to take on the Potomac River.  I don't recall if we did or not, but I asked him a few weeks ago and he said that yes, we did.

We were like peanut butter and jelly on that trip and he sat behind me on the tour bus.  We walked together through most of the attractions that our class stopped at. I remember almost getting left behind at the Library of Congress because I had gotten separated from the class somehow.

The summer passed, and he and I went to 9th grade together.  I do not remember anything about that year except for being in band with him.  I do know that we weren't very peanut butter and jelly that year, but we were still friends.

The summer after my freshman year, my family moved away to California.  I left my friends behind in Reno.  Two years later, as a senior, I moved back to Reno to live with my father.  Somehow, this boy and I reconnected for a short time.  My diary speaks of a movie date that we had.  A friend picked us up and we stopped by Video Maniacs (for those who are too young to know what I'm talking about, it was a place like Blockbuster Video where you could rent movie... like Redbox, but more personable..hehehe.. )  and picked up Sleepwalkers.  I have always been a huge fan of Stephen King, and he likes horror movies as well.  My diary says that it was the scariest movie I had ever seen.  I think back on that now and laugh very hard.  I have seen it at least once since then... lol... My diary further says that I tried not to scream during the movie as his mom was trying to sleep in the other room... hehehe...

Valentine's Day that same year he cooked me the best dinner I had ever had to date.  Steak and lobster and it was so romantic, and it was so tasty!  I remember music playing. I remember declining the offer of champagne.  I remember how everything was so very perfect and it was wonderful.

I also remember how I returned to his house the next day and broke up with him. 

Suffice it to say that I left him for another guy who ultimately treated me like absolute trash.  I cried because the decision was a difficult one for me to make and I was afraid, back then, of being treated too well.  I thought I didn't deserve happiness.  There are times when I still don't.

Our lives went separate ways, yet followed a somewhat parallel path.  We were both married, had kids, divorced, not necessarily in that order.  We've both known heartbreak, disappointment, deceit, and betrayal.  We've both thought about each other over the last twenty years.  Many times I would go through my yearbooks and see his picture or read the words he wrote and smile.  I often wondered if he ever thought about me.

In 2009, technology brought us a bit closer together.  Thank you, Facebook, for allowing connection between people from times past over long distances.  When we reconnected online, we sent a few friendly messages back and forth. He was married at that time, I had just moved to Boise.  Then a lot of time would go by without a word, but he was always there in the background.  I even posted happy birthday messages on his feed a few of those years. 

During the early times on Facebook, I had even told him what happened the day after that Valentine's Day so very long ago.....He forgave me a long time ago, but the weight of that day had been sitting with me in the background.

Earlier in August, he returned to Reno.  About a week after he got there, he decided to send me a random message on Facebook.  It simply had his phone number and a request for me to call or text him.  And thus, a relationship was rekindled. We talked, texted, and yahoo video chatted for at least three weeks, and I made my decision to move back to my hometown, Reno, the place where we met, the place we both grew up.

I had asked him at one point why he took so many years to tell me how he felt about me.  He said that he was really scared, but he was tired of living in a scared reality (or something to that effect) and he was just going to lay it all down on the table.  Now, before you guys go off on things like, "you haven't seen each other in twenty years.  How do you know it will work?" etc, let me just say that there are other underlying things going on that will not be written about here.  Circumstances that prove beyond any doubt that he is sincere about everything he's said. 

His mother passed by while we were video chatting one evening.  He took a few moments to talk to her, then he returned to me.  He said that she was off to bed, and that she loved me.  I asked him if he meant that she said she loved him, and he said no, that it was love for me.  She's seen how happy he's been over the last month, and that makes her very happy as well. 

I've spent the last two days visiting with him.  I met his family.  I do not recall meeting them before.  Maybe his mom, but definitely not his dad.  I hope that I have made a good impression.  I hope that they like me.  Our families are already intertwined.  His mom went to school with my dad and stepmom although they graduated a few years apart.  His parents' anniversary is the same day as my birthday.  His mom's sister is good friends with my step-mom's sister.  It's really bizarre. I don't think I need anymore omens than that!

This evening he and I went for a walk at Idlewild park.  He's been trying to lose weight, as have I, so walking is really good for us both.  We have so much in common, and enough not in common as to keep each other on our toes and interested, likely for a very long time.

We are both getting back on our feet, and starting life over again, kind of.  It is nice to be able to start it over again with the most kind, caring, romantic man I have ever known in my life.  And yes, I said the "m" word! (man)  It is not a word I use lightly because it means so much more to me than the basics. 

Even after twenty years I have come to realize that I did make the right decision twenty years ago to break up with him after Valentine's Day.  If I hadn't, we perhaps would not be where we are today and that is finally ready to be with each other now and always.  Perhaps we would have gotten tired of each other and broken up or even married and divorced like so many people do these days.  Who knows. I left my crystal ball in my other computer.  But, I do know that I am very ready to pursue a life with him now.

I told a friend of mine in Boise about all that was going on. I told her that our relationship has been fermenting like a good wine for the last twenty years, which is how long it has been since I had seen him.  She giggled and thought that our story might make a good fairytale/romance novel...lols....  And the truth is, that I love him with all I am.  And, I know that he loves me in the same fashion, if not moreso.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him again tomorrow.

I haven't even unpacked anything yet!

A Change in the Project - HHP

After careful consideration to the fact that I am not in my 20s anymore, I have decided that learning Wing Chun Kung Fu is probably not the best idea for my Hundred Hours Project.  I had forgotten how hard it is on the arms, and though it is a great workout, I think that I can devote these hundred hours to something a little more challenging and productive. 

So, with that in mind, my new hundred hours project is going to be:

Drawing

I have never really had the patience for creating art in this format.  When I was in junior high school, I nearly failed art because I couldn't draw a cube, and my sculptures were horrible.  Well, that was over two decades ago, and I think I have finally come to a point where it is time to learn the patience needed to learn the art.

I plan on starting this in a week, so that I can do a bit of research, possibly finding some YouTube videos and then buying needed supplies.  I plan on posting drawings when they are finished, so please, feel free to leave constructive criticism.  Remember, I cannot even draw a cube, so this should be interesting!

My Hundred Hours Project

Greetings all of my faithful readers and then some!

I'm back this year after finally getting a computer that won't die in a month (knock on wood) so I bring you this.

 The Hundred Hours Project

Started by an acquaintance of mine and something that I feel is worthwhile in doing.  I encourage all of you to join in this wonderful project!

I have thought long and hard about what it is that I really want to do for my project.  Something that won't cost a lot of money and that I will have the time to invest 100 hours in. It could be anything, I know, but I want this project to have some sort of meaning for me and something that will be fun and last a lifetime and all of that jazz.

Okay, Onyx, so just what are you going to do for your project?  Well, I thought about learning to paint, learning to fence, take clogging lessons (which is on my bucket list and that's a whole other blog in itself!) and even taking piano or voice lessons again, but money is really tight and trying to learn from YouTube videos just doesn't cover it.  So, what I am going to do is something that I have already spent some time doing last year and a little bit the year before, if my memory serves (which it doesn't half the time, hence the reason I blog).

Drum roll please....

Kung Fu

Not just any Kung Fu, but Wing Chun Kung Fu.  This particular form of martial arts is mostly upper body oriented.  Very few kicks involved.  It is a great workout and really helps focus the mind.  I go here because the classes are donation based.  You pay what you think they are worth, or what you can afford.  The instructors are really nice.  The classes are in a laid back setting, but really focused.  The classes are usually smaller, less than ten people last time I went, and I like that because I don't do crowds very well.

Anyone who has seen Ip Man has seen this form of Kung Fu.  It is based on the life of the man who brought Wing Chun Kung Fu to the light, so to speak.

So, there you have it.  I'll be blogging on a more regular basis with updates to my 100 hours of Wing Chun Kung Fu throughout the year.  We'll see how it goes!

Feel free to forward this blog to friends or link it with your blog or whatever it is that they do these days.  I look forward to seeing how many people participate in this.  Also, feel free to comment.


Not mine, but a really good sketch of Wing Chun Kung Fu.

I'm so excited about this project!

All Good Things End

Well, the spiraling energy that has been building up has finally come crashing down around my head.  As of tomorrow I will no longer be in Work Force Management at work.  I have been given the opportunity to go back on the phones, which some of you are saying, "Awesome!  You're still employed, great job!"  To that I say that they are setting me up for failure of mass proportion.  Not only am I not qualified to be in the training class next week, I haven't taken a phone call in over a year.  So many things have changed since I was a phone advisor that I am not sure how long it will take me to get back into some semblance of a groove.

Yeah, they were trying to cut back on costs and they were chopping positions in several sites.  Unfortunately, I'm the only one who got chopped in this building.  They went by seniority and even though I've been in this position for over a year, I am still the "new girl" and so off I went.  It really wasn't fair because I felt that they should have gone by performance.

I suppose I could go on and on about how unfair their decision was, but I'm almost a bigger person than that.  I will tackle the transition class to my best ability, and see what happens from there.  I am thinking that I will probably continue to look for a new job and see where that takes me.  I really don't want to be unemployed as I am a single mom and as it is I make too much to get any assistance, but almost not enough to survive on.  Daycare is expensive you know!

Raven is still going to visit her aunt in July.  That has to happen.  The only other thing is that I will have to find daycare for her for the few weeks before school starts and then she'll go back to her current daycare which will be located on her school premises.  I just hope that with all the changes going on I will still be able to get down there to pick her back up.  I have no clue what my schedule will be like after next week.

This training class scares me to death.  Technically, I'm not qualified to be in the class, but they made an exception for me so that they could keep me from being laid off.  (Personally, I thought they should just lay me off and allow me to collect unemployment for a bit so I could find a new job, etc....)  I am freaked out because of the length of time it has been since I've taken a call.  I'm freaked out about the fact that I know nothing about the products that they will be talking about.  I do know that there will be people there who will be willing to help me and most of them are jaded because I'm the one who keep asking them to take an extra call when it's busy.  None of the phone advisors like my job very much.  I don't think they dislike me as a person, but I am gearing up for some animosity when I get out there.  I hope that they will be a bit more grown up than that.

What's more is that they just had a class that would have gotten me halfway qualified.  Two classes, actually.  I wish they had the foresight to know that they were going to kick me out of my current position a few weeks ago, at least then I would have had a fighting chance to get ready instead of being set up for the ultimate failure.  I guess I can make all the wishes I want, but it isn't going to change the fact that I'm being screwed here.

I will keep my mind open to all the options that the universe might present me with.  It's all I can really do.... really.

::endtransmission::