It's near the end of my second class in my return to college. Though I'm finding the class challenging enough, I do wonder sometimes if I am worthy of the high grades that I am getting. I read back on some of my papers, and even though there are no errors, I wonder. I am the most critical of my work, as I believe we all are. I don't even really like for people to read what I write here, but it is a great outlet, and if the truth be told, I want to be heard, even by the anonymous masses.
I've been super depressed as of late. I don't know if it is the lack of human companionship in my life, stress of school, lack of personal path, spiritual path, or just life in general that is causing it. I'm willing to bet that it is all of the above. I haven't really dated much since I got to Idaho. There were a few attempts that failed miserably and I attribute that to not being ready to be in the dating pool again.
I think I'm ready now, though. Well, are any of us ever really ready for something like that? hahaha.. We put ourselves out there for others' scrutiny. We take the chance on being rejected. No one likes to be rejected for whatever reason. An ex's roommate once told me that the reason the ex left me was because I wasn't pretty enough to be with. Damage to the ego much? I may not be pretty, but what I lack in looks, I make up for in other areas. Like personality. I have plenty of that.
I was planting flowers in my garden the other day and someone asked me what my favorite flower is. Wild black roses, I told him. Needless to say that I won't be planting any of those in my garden anytime soon, but I looked back at that and realized that they are rare, just like me. There is only one of me on the planet. Just like there is only one of you. We are each our own rare flower which cannot be replaced. How we are cultivated, raised, and accepted is a huge part of how we turn out. Do we wither away? Or do we thrive and bloom?
I feel as though I have been withering away slowly over the last eight months. Probably longer than that, but it is really the last several months that I have had to take a look at and ponder about. What I do know is that I am on the right goal path as far as school goes. I have a goal for after graduation, and it will probably end me up somewhere other than Idaho, which is fine with me. I don't really have any ties here anyway. At least, they are not strong enough to keep me here. My mother called me a gypsy for a reason.
There really isn't much else going on in my life right now. I go singing as often as I can. I think I've gotten better, although I would really like to take lessons so that I can get better. Too bad they are so expensive. I knew I should have taken choir in high school instead of band! hahaha...
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