Happy Halloween! 100th Blog Entry!

I wish I could say that this is going to be a nice upbeat blog entry.  For the most part it might be, but today is Halloween, and it's my favorite holiday and I am spending it with the flu!  Ugh! 

So, moving on....

My relationship with Titan has been a veritable roller coaster for sure.  We have definitely had to work out a lot of kinks with communication and I have really had to dig deep to find ways to be more positive in my outlook.  But, for the most part all is going well.  It seems that no matter what, we move past whatever is bothering us and are reminded of how much we mean.

We got a place together.  A small place, a one bedroom, but it's ours.  Already we've had to have the heater fixed and the refrigerator replaced after nagging the landlord to get it done, but I think that everything else is working fine.

Work goes good.  Titan just got a better job working at a hotel/casino just outside of town.  I had gotten a seasonal position working for a warehouse outside of town, but I am not able to keep that position because Titan doesn't drive so I will be taking him to work and back.  Our schedules work out for the most part in this fashion and I know for a fact that my hours will be cut back a lot, but that is the nature of the industry that I am in.  However, come January, I won't get any sleep at all.  Again, the nature of the industry.  And, Titan keeping this better paying, full-time, PERMANENT job was way more important to us than me working seasonally 45 minutes outside of town.

Being back in Reno has been great so far.  Titan and I have done a lot of things together...singing, walks in the park, out for drives, etc.  I do wish that we could do more of that , but our schedules are somewhat backwards right now. 

School goes really good.  So far I am still maintaining my 4.0 average.  Although, lucky me, I forgot to submit my assignment after uploading it this past Sunday.  Imagine my surprise when a big fat F showed up.  And, I wasn't even aware of the mistake until the grades came back.  Oh well.  I'll take this as a learning experience. She'll grade accordingly I suppose.  Bleh.

Well, I know this wasn't much for a great 100th blog, but such is my life right now.  There really isn't much else to me.  Just work and school. 

Anyway.. Happy Halloween.  Blessed Samhain!

Twenty Years of a Fermented Relationship - Aged, Like a Good Wine!

Many of the details have been forgotten, but some were thoughtfully written down in my hard diary over twenty years ago.....

My family had moved, yet again, in the middle of my 8th grade year.  I ended up going to a completely different junior high school where I knew absolutely no one.  There were many kids there who took one look at me and decided that I was not worth their time, or worth their time enough to give me absolute hell on earth.  I had very few friends.  Except for one....

I do not remember how we met or who introduced us.  I believe we were in band together.  As I recall, he played clarinet, and I played flute.  He was the nicest person I had met at that school. 

The 8th grade trip to D.C. was coming up and I begged my parents to allow me to go on the trip.  It was very expensive, and finally, they allowed me to go.  This guy was also going, and I was so excited!  I read in my diary that I really hoped I got to dance with him on the riverboat cruise that we were going to take on the Potomac River.  I don't recall if we did or not, but I asked him a few weeks ago and he said that yes, we did.

We were like peanut butter and jelly on that trip and he sat behind me on the tour bus.  We walked together through most of the attractions that our class stopped at. I remember almost getting left behind at the Library of Congress because I had gotten separated from the class somehow.

The summer passed, and he and I went to 9th grade together.  I do not remember anything about that year except for being in band with him.  I do know that we weren't very peanut butter and jelly that year, but we were still friends.

The summer after my freshman year, my family moved away to California.  I left my friends behind in Reno.  Two years later, as a senior, I moved back to Reno to live with my father.  Somehow, this boy and I reconnected for a short time.  My diary speaks of a movie date that we had.  A friend picked us up and we stopped by Video Maniacs (for those who are too young to know what I'm talking about, it was a place like Blockbuster Video where you could rent movie... like Redbox, but more personable..hehehe.. )  and picked up Sleepwalkers.  I have always been a huge fan of Stephen King, and he likes horror movies as well.  My diary says that it was the scariest movie I had ever seen.  I think back on that now and laugh very hard.  I have seen it at least once since then... lol... My diary further says that I tried not to scream during the movie as his mom was trying to sleep in the other room... hehehe...

Valentine's Day that same year he cooked me the best dinner I had ever had to date.  Steak and lobster and it was so romantic, and it was so tasty!  I remember music playing. I remember declining the offer of champagne.  I remember how everything was so very perfect and it was wonderful.

I also remember how I returned to his house the next day and broke up with him. 

Suffice it to say that I left him for another guy who ultimately treated me like absolute trash.  I cried because the decision was a difficult one for me to make and I was afraid, back then, of being treated too well.  I thought I didn't deserve happiness.  There are times when I still don't.

Our lives went separate ways, yet followed a somewhat parallel path.  We were both married, had kids, divorced, not necessarily in that order.  We've both known heartbreak, disappointment, deceit, and betrayal.  We've both thought about each other over the last twenty years.  Many times I would go through my yearbooks and see his picture or read the words he wrote and smile.  I often wondered if he ever thought about me.

In 2009, technology brought us a bit closer together.  Thank you, Facebook, for allowing connection between people from times past over long distances.  When we reconnected online, we sent a few friendly messages back and forth. He was married at that time, I had just moved to Boise.  Then a lot of time would go by without a word, but he was always there in the background.  I even posted happy birthday messages on his feed a few of those years. 

During the early times on Facebook, I had even told him what happened the day after that Valentine's Day so very long ago.....He forgave me a long time ago, but the weight of that day had been sitting with me in the background.

Earlier in August, he returned to Reno.  About a week after he got there, he decided to send me a random message on Facebook.  It simply had his phone number and a request for me to call or text him.  And thus, a relationship was rekindled. We talked, texted, and yahoo video chatted for at least three weeks, and I made my decision to move back to my hometown, Reno, the place where we met, the place we both grew up.

I had asked him at one point why he took so many years to tell me how he felt about me.  He said that he was really scared, but he was tired of living in a scared reality (or something to that effect) and he was just going to lay it all down on the table.  Now, before you guys go off on things like, "you haven't seen each other in twenty years.  How do you know it will work?" etc, let me just say that there are other underlying things going on that will not be written about here.  Circumstances that prove beyond any doubt that he is sincere about everything he's said. 

His mother passed by while we were video chatting one evening.  He took a few moments to talk to her, then he returned to me.  He said that she was off to bed, and that she loved me.  I asked him if he meant that she said she loved him, and he said no, that it was love for me.  She's seen how happy he's been over the last month, and that makes her very happy as well. 

I've spent the last two days visiting with him.  I met his family.  I do not recall meeting them before.  Maybe his mom, but definitely not his dad.  I hope that I have made a good impression.  I hope that they like me.  Our families are already intertwined.  His mom went to school with my dad and stepmom although they graduated a few years apart.  His parents' anniversary is the same day as my birthday.  His mom's sister is good friends with my step-mom's sister.  It's really bizarre. I don't think I need anymore omens than that!

This evening he and I went for a walk at Idlewild park.  He's been trying to lose weight, as have I, so walking is really good for us both.  We have so much in common, and enough not in common as to keep each other on our toes and interested, likely for a very long time.

We are both getting back on our feet, and starting life over again, kind of.  It is nice to be able to start it over again with the most kind, caring, romantic man I have ever known in my life.  And yes, I said the "m" word! (man)  It is not a word I use lightly because it means so much more to me than the basics. 

Even after twenty years I have come to realize that I did make the right decision twenty years ago to break up with him after Valentine's Day.  If I hadn't, we perhaps would not be where we are today and that is finally ready to be with each other now and always.  Perhaps we would have gotten tired of each other and broken up or even married and divorced like so many people do these days.  Who knows. I left my crystal ball in my other computer.  But, I do know that I am very ready to pursue a life with him now.

I told a friend of mine in Boise about all that was going on. I told her that our relationship has been fermenting like a good wine for the last twenty years, which is how long it has been since I had seen him.  She giggled and thought that our story might make a good fairytale/romance novel...lols....  And the truth is, that I love him with all I am.  And, I know that he loves me in the same fashion, if not moreso.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him again tomorrow.

I haven't even unpacked anything yet!

The Biggest Little City in the World!

Tomorrow I will be traveling back to Reno, Nevada, where I began.  I am leaving behind some really amazing people here in Boise, but even as amazing as they are, the ties were not strong enough to keep me here.  I am loyal to myself, first and foremost.

I will say this, though. Reno is kind of a central location if ever there was one.  Two hours to the West is Sacramento and another hour and a half beyond that lies San Francisco.  Boise to Reno is only seven hours and of course there is Las Vegas about 8 hours to the South.  I've traveled them all, and I must say that there could be a lot worse places to be than Reno.  Home for me, will always be where I began.  Some do not think the same as I do, and that's okay, too.

I am super excited to see my family and friends again, but most of all, I am excited to see my junior high/high school. sweetheart again.  See my previous blog for more info about that.  The time that we have spent together online and on the phone have been amazing fun.  He really knows how to make me blush, which isn't easy to accomplish by just anyone, and he really knows how to help me to feel good about myself.  After talking to him for a while, I actually did see a beautiful woman in the window of Yahoo's webcam service.  I saw the bright smile that makes him so happy and excited.  It was not easy for me to see those things in myself, and even now I sometimes tell him that he's wrong, but know that he's right anyway.

I cannot wait to begin this adventure, so I will start now by going to bed.

New Life, New Happiness

It is strange how some thing simply hit you like a freight train.  I have been living in Boise, Idaho for about four-and-a-half years now, and man, am I sick of it.  While it is true that I have made some awesome friends, it is simply not home, and I am very ready to return to my hometown of Reno.  It's funny because whenever I have told people that I am moving to Reno, they get this shocked look on their face and say, "Reno? Why would anyone move to Reno on purpose!"  When I tell them that Reno is my hometown, their expression relaxes and they say "Oh. I see."  Or something similar.

But, not only am I going back because I miss my family and my friends, I have reconnected with someone that I knew in high school.  I haven't seen him in twenty years and even though our lives took separate paths, we have remained friends and in contact on and off over the years. Our paths took on a similar journey.  We've both been married and divorced, had kids, had drama coming out of our ears, but we remained friends over the span of decades.

He also recently moved back to Reno after being in California for many years. Though we have stayed in contact off and on, he most recent message caught me a bit off guard.  We talked about old times and what has been going on in our recent pasts, and it was like we had never spent any time apart.  He is the most caring, gentle guy I have ever known, and I am so happy to be in his life again and he in mine.  This relationship hit me like a freight train although it has been fermenting like a beautifully aged wine for twenty years. I cannot wait to be back home.

Depression and Black Roses

It's near the end of my second class in my return to college.  Though I'm finding the class challenging enough, I do wonder sometimes if I am worthy of the high grades that I am getting.  I read back on some of my papers, and even though there are no errors, I wonder.  I am the most critical of my work, as I believe we all are.  I don't even really like for people to read what I write here, but it is a great outlet, and if the truth be told, I want to be heard, even by the anonymous masses.

I've been super depressed as of late.  I don't know if it is the lack of human companionship in my life, stress of school, lack of personal path, spiritual path, or just life in general that is causing it.  I'm willing to bet that it is all of the above.  I haven't really dated much since I got to Idaho.  There were a few attempts that failed miserably and I attribute that to not being ready to be in the dating pool again.

I think I'm ready now, though.  Well, are any of us ever really ready for something like that? hahaha..  We put ourselves out there for others' scrutiny.  We take the chance on being rejected. No one likes to be rejected for whatever reason.  An ex's roommate once told me that the reason the ex left me was because I wasn't pretty enough to be with.  Damage to the ego much?  I may not be pretty, but what I lack in looks, I make up for in other areas. Like personality. I have plenty of that.

I was planting flowers in my garden the other day and someone asked me what my favorite flower is.  Wild black roses, I told him.  Needless to say that I won't be planting any of those in my garden anytime soon, but I looked back at that and realized that they are rare, just like me.  There is only one of me on the planet.  Just like there is only one of you.  We are each our own rare flower which cannot be replaced.  How we are cultivated, raised, and accepted is a huge part of how we turn out.  Do we wither away? Or do we thrive and bloom?

I feel as though I have been withering away slowly over the last eight months. Probably longer than that, but it is really the last several months that I have had to take a look at and ponder about. What I do know is that I am on the right goal path as far as school goes.  I have a goal for after graduation, and it will probably end me up somewhere other than Idaho, which is fine with me. I don't really have any ties here anyway.  At least, they are not strong enough to keep me here. My mother called me a gypsy for a reason.

There really isn't much else going on in my life right now. I go singing as often as I can.  I think I've gotten better, although I would really like to take lessons so that I can get better.  Too bad they are so expensive.  I knew I should have taken choir in high school instead of band! hahaha...

::endtransmission::

100% and Failure

Actually, this is an update about school and also of my Hundred Hours Project. 

School is going very well.  I am at the beginning of week four of a five week course and so far I have maintained 100% on all my coursework.  Go me!  Actually, I wonder sometimes if the professor reads the actually papers that I turn in.  Either that, or I actually write really well.  I'll pretend like it's a combination of both.

This week we have a group project due.  None of the others in my group have posted anything in the small group area, which is a little disconcerting as the main paper is due on Sunday.  True, it's only Monday, but I like to make sure that I am on top of things at all times.  I have volunteered to lead the group, but so far, no one has responded to my email regarding this.  It is a little frustrating.  Especially considering that by the time the weekend comes around, I will have little time to work on the actual paper and get all of their information in as well.  No matter.  I will work to make it happen.

Okay, Onyx, so where does the failure come in?  Well, it's not really a "failure", but I need to reevaluate my Hundred Hours Project, again.  I thought that the lessons on that website were going to be just the thing I need, but so far I haven't been able to learn just by reading.  I think I need a different approach to this whole thing.  I'm still going to learn how to draw, but I need a different avenue from which to learn.

I can do it.  I know I can.

Learning to Draw - HHP Update/Another First Hour Down

Here's just an update on my Hundred Hours Project, which I recently changed to drawing.  Keep in mind that I know very little about drawing, so I need a very basic starting point.  I decided to do some research, even before buying any supplies this weekend.  I found a most wonderful website that I am more than happy to share.

Drawspace

Within this website is any lesson that one could possibly imagine.  And, the best part is that the lessons themselves can be viewed or downloaded as pdfs for free, OR, one can sign up to take the actual class and update artwork, get peer and instructor feedback and more.  Money is tight for me right now, so I'll be sticking to the free downloads, but I am very excited to have found such a gem among the millions of webpages out in the cyberexpanse. 

I have already read most of the introductory lessons, so I'll be ready to start buying supplies this weekend on schedule.  I know of a few art stores where I live and I'll be hitting them up one at a time and getting started on the wonderful path of drawing. 

I can't wait!

A Change in the Project - HHP

After careful consideration to the fact that I am not in my 20s anymore, I have decided that learning Wing Chun Kung Fu is probably not the best idea for my Hundred Hours Project.  I had forgotten how hard it is on the arms, and though it is a great workout, I think that I can devote these hundred hours to something a little more challenging and productive. 

So, with that in mind, my new hundred hours project is going to be:

Drawing

I have never really had the patience for creating art in this format.  When I was in junior high school, I nearly failed art because I couldn't draw a cube, and my sculptures were horrible.  Well, that was over two decades ago, and I think I have finally come to a point where it is time to learn the patience needed to learn the art.

I plan on starting this in a week, so that I can do a bit of research, possibly finding some YouTube videos and then buying needed supplies.  I plan on posting drawings when they are finished, so please, feel free to leave constructive criticism.  Remember, I cannot even draw a cube, so this should be interesting!

An Hour of Pain - 100 Hours Project Update

I nearly had to change my project for the Hundred Hours Project.  It really helps to do research before jumping into something.

I traveled to where the Kung Fu studio was.  I pulled in and noticed a realty sign on the door.  Oh crap!  Now, what am I going to do for my project?  Well, I got home and went to their website.  Everything seemed updated.  Class schedules, etc.  Then I looked at the address.  Turns out that they merely moved.  And, not only that, they moved to a building that is very close to my house.  Score!

I pondered whether or not I would show up a half hour late or not.  I don't like disturbing class and such, but these guys are really laid back.  They want students to come to their studio.  I decided that it would not be in my best interest to wait until Saturday to begin the project.  I went.

My car pulled up into the driveway and I found the studio with no issues.  It was located on the bottom floor in the front of the building, so it was nice and easy.  The door was open and I got out of the car and waved.  I don't think he recognized me until I got into the door.  Then the recognition was there and it was almost like I had never left.

They were teaching something that I hadn't been exposed to yet. And if I could spell it, I would write what it is here, but basically it was a block that ended with pulling one's opponent to the ground, or close to.  I started out with a woman who really didn't want to come in very hard with her punches, and with good reason.  But trying to block a fluffy punch is counterproductive.

After a while, I got paired with a guy with very strong arms. His punches and blocks were very strong and very painful for me.  Now, keep in mind that my arms and upper body were already hurting and sore from the two days at the batting cages and the day of archery in between.  But still, my forearms feel like they were slammed with a sledgehammer for a good portion of the time I was there.

After that, I got paired with a very petite female who has been going to classes for quite some time, and she really helped me get my beginning blocks down good.  The thing about this is that it is going to take practice and time.  And isn't that what this project is all about?  Devoting time to something?

So, one hour of class time down.  99 to go!

And Then There Were..... 25!

Greetings faithful Readers!  I am so very excited tonight.  Well, the day in general was awesome.  It was the first day off in nine days, and I really needed it.  I could feel my attitude in general start to lose its integrity last night.  We'll forget the fact that the store I was working at was in a town two hours away, and even though I never have to drive on these longer trips, the trip itself still makes for a rough work day (or night as the case sometimes is). 

I spent most of the day with a very good friend of mine.  She needed to get out, so I took her to the batting cages.  It is something that I enjoy doing when I get angry, frustrated or generally upset.  Not that she was any of these things, of course, but I could tell that the release of some energy would be really good for her as well as myself.  I had already been once earlier in the week, and yesterday I went to the archery range, obliterated one of my arrows, and shot really terrible.  But, even through the sore body, I managed to do quite well, if I say so myself.

After the cages, she took me to lunch, and we had wonderful conversation and I really got a chance to reflect on some of the other things going on in my life. It was a most successful, fun and satisfying afternoon.  I did end up falling asleep in the oversized chair at her apartment.  It's an awesome chair. It's huge and I feel like a Hobbit when I sit in it... hehehe...

She woke me up in time for me to get home for the live chat session for class tonight.  This first class in this program has proven to be interesting so far, even though it is an entry level class.  We all start somewhere, right?  The lecture itself was boring as hell.  It's the first one of the course, so the professor went over class expectations and things like that.  No one really had any questions about that.  Most have been in online classes either for a while, or before (like me). 

The most awesome news of the evening, though, came when I took a look at the academics page I noticed something odd about the class list.  History was supposed to be my next class to take after this one.  I thought that was rather odd as the transfer credits still stood at 22.5, which are the ones from Sac City College.  (I was already happy about that!)  I scrolled down the list of classes and found that 12 more classes had transferred over from Kaplan!  Oh my gosh, so not only do I NOT have to take algebra (happy happy joy joy!) I don't have to take Intro to Computers, History or English Comp 1 or 2.  I also noticed that I don't have to take the Sociology class anymore.  I'm super stoked about that, although I was kind of looking forward to it. I don't recall taking anything remotely like that, but if they say that I don't, then I'm not going to look a gift credit in the mouth!

Soooo... out of 42 classes, I only have 25 to go, which includes the one I am already taking.  I looked at the list, and they have me set up to take two classes at a time after the first six classes.  I was really hoping that they would double up on classes after the first three or so.  Perhaps I can talk them into doing that.  I don't know about you, but I want to get this done and over with as efficiently as possible! 

But the fact that I don't have to take almost half of the classes for this program (core classes) gives me the ultimate choice to do the happy dance.  Instead of a 2015 graduation date, my graduation date will be toward the end of 2014.  1.8 years is a small price to pay considering everything that I have already given up, sacrificed and spent on trying to achieve this goal. 

It's been a long time in coming and when I do finally graduate, there will be one hell of a graduation party!