Chaos, Depression, and Leave me the Hell Alone...

The last several months have been an internal nightmare for me.  Depression has set in more than usual.  Several factors have contributed to this latest journey into the abyss. 

Firstly, I work in an environment where it is sometimes hostile, sometimes not.  I'm sure that I'm the only one who feels this way.  As thick as my skin is, I often see more than is really there, but no matter how hard I try to be nice to people, attempt to talk, and have conversations, those around me pay me little to no attention at all. And, unfortunately, the words that do end up leaving my mouth bypass the filter so I usually end up offending someone or sounding like an absolute idiot.  So why even bother. In order to avoid this, I plug in my earbuds and listen to music all day.

This does not mean that I am oblivious to that which goes on around me.  So many times I hear conversations around me that are so hypocritical in nature, but I keep my mouth shut because why do I care?  I am not one to allow words to have more power than they need.  I do not get offended by words easily.  Call me whatever you want.  I couldn't care less.  But when I hear what I hear, it really chaps my hyde to think that you get offended by something that I have said, but then turn around and mock others.  It's innocent enough, and I don't care about that, but still... It's the hypocritical nature of the beast that irks me. 

I also don't like being ignored.  Another reason why conversation doesn't do me very good.  I could interject here and there, but normally I haven't been invited to the conversation.  Not that an open conversation requires an invitation, but I feel like such a scourge, a no one, a cypher if I may... nothing....

The second thing that has me really perplexed is that one of my friends, who I have know for over a decade, decided that we were no longer to be friends after I posted a response to something she had posted on Facebook.  What I posted wasn't even offensive.  Not to me, and not to anyone I spoke to about it after the fact.  I cannot believe that she would up and sever our friendship without so much as a word.  Why do people do this?  While this isn't the first time, or even the second, that this has happened to me, it leaves me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. 

After all, there must be something. Did I say something? Did I do something? Are we just incompatible now?  Did I not do enough to make you feel like I was your friend?  A conversation in the very least would have at least been good form.  But you know what? Screw me. I don't matter.  Does anyone really matter?

So often I have contemplated ending it all.  No One, and I mean NO ONE (except perhaps Raven) would even miss me.  I wouldn't be a burden on my family anymore.  I wouldn't be taking up precious oxygen that could be going toward those who deserve it more.  If it seems like I'm am extremely self-degrading it's because my esteem couldn't possibly be any lower.  No friends except those online and extremely far away, and even then, they are not really friends, but acquaintances no matter how much I enjoy chatting with them online.  They are great people, but I fear that if we were to hang out, I would just end up offending them and they would end up severing the friendship eventually.  Invariably it happens.  When people tell me that I'm no good for years and years it tends to not just break me and leave me without the foundation to build myself back up.  Am I hard on myself?  Yes, I am.  I believe we all are.  I have very high expectations for myself and when I don't live up to them, I get upset with myself. 

Everywhere I go, there I am and until I figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me, then I will forever be doomed to repeating the same mistakes.  I would say that the goingson in the last several months is not my fault, however as a friend of mine once said, "We are all 100% responsible for our 50% of the relationship."  This also applies to friendships as well.

I just wish that the other 50% would just talk to me instead of severing friendships without notice. 

I'm pretty sure that eventually I will be okay.  I have no money for a counselor or a therapist and honestly I am not sure that would do much good.  I have to work this out on my own, just like I do every time I get down and out like this.  I do, however, wish that death would come peacefully in the night....

An Update...

I spend so much time writing blogs, doing research for the two show I'm a part of that I hardly get the chance to write here anymore. 

The shows are going well although I have found myself slipping behind in my blogs for Erosion Factory. I didn't even get the ones out for this week, and although that's a bad mark on my part, I know that I will get to them when I have the time. Today, though I am taking time to write about myself.  I don't think that's too much to ask....

Raven is doing well. It's summer break, finally, and she is loving not having to go to school. I swear that this district is the last in the nation to take summer break.  They only get six weeks and begin the next school year in the middle of August.  But no matter. She's on break right now, and that's all that she cares about.

I've been really depressed the last several months.  I'm not quite sure why, exactly, but some of it might have to do with being lonely so much. I don't really have any in the way of friends that I spend a lot of time with, except for Falcon, and even then, usually it's only to see him before I take him to work. So rarely do we spend any friend time together.  I'm not even sure I know what that means anymore.  I don't have any female friends to spend any friend time with.  And again, I have no idea what that really means. 

I've been in a place of spiritual awareness, and realizing that I have gone back to my religious roots.  Don't worry. I'm not going on a bible thumping spree anytime soon, but lately I have been wondering if I'm on the right path or not.  Honestly, who knows.  But I do know that something has to change or else I'm going to continue on this emotionally self-destructive path.  I have no idea what it's like to laugh at something funny.  What is funny anyway?

I'm working part time for a background screening company. I enjoy the job for various reasons.  It's flexible, laid back and I've even gotten to start taking work home with me, mostly so that I can be home for Raven during the summer weeks when I'm not able to send her to the Club.  It's been nice and I couldn't ask for a nicer boss or coworkers.

This blog spent several days in "draft" form and I'm just now coming back to it. I've edited some things, but the gist of the blog remains the same. I haven't been able to kick these blue feelings and I fear that if I am not able to do something about it that it might end up disastrous.  No, I don't plan on checking out early, but emotionally this has had a horrible effect.  I've gained a lot of weight and it's just dragging me down even further.  Sure, I could maybe do something about it, but the motivation just isn't there.....

I'm sure this is just a phase, but honestly, the blue phases haven't ever lasted quite so long and I would really like to find a way to clear the negative energy.  I know I'll be okay in the end, but I fear how much damage my state of mind might be doing to Raven. I'm not motivated to get out of the house too often, not even to get her out to the park, although we did go for a short while the other evening.  I know she enjoyed that.

Erosion....

It's been a while since I wrote in this blog, but then again, I have been extremely busy.  For almost three months I have been involved with Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I'm pretty sure I posted a link to it in a previous blog, so I won't go into that too much here.  Needless to say that you can find it on Facebook (come on, I know ya'll know how to search that out.. lol).  But, my contribution has gotten more involved, I even have another blog that you might enjoy.  (Or not, if you really hate music THAT much).  Click here to read what I've been doing over there.  Don't forget to please vote in the poll.  It's so hard to get people to vote in polls.  Not sure why.  The poll will be a monthly thing and the questions will change and get more interesting and hopefully more fun.  I started out with something easy for now though.

Let's see...  I'm not sure if there is anything more that's going on.  My life doesn't change too much.  Well, I did go to Sacramento to see a few bands over this past weekend.  Diego's Umbrella and Abney Park.  Never heard of the former, but I've been a mild fan of the latter for a while now.  Let's just say that I'm really a huge fan of both now.  If you've never seen them before, then you really should do so.  They are wonderful, especially for those of you in the steampunk scene. 

I had to drive in the worst rain storm ever going over the hill.  It was scarier than anything else I have ever driven in, even the snow storm in Wyoming where the snow was blowing across the road and freezing everything.  But, Raven and I made it okay and we lived to tell the story. 

I'm still waging war on being single, but if the truth be told, there will never be anyone like Falcon.  If I could find someone with all of his good points and none of the gaming (video games) then I would be the happiest girl on the planet.  I'm sure he's out there somewhere.... probably not here, though. 

I have another interview this Friday for the same company that didn't hire me the first time.  If I am being interviewed by the same ladies as before, then at least I will know what to expect this time around.  Perhaps it will go better.  The trouble is that it is scheduled for fifteen minutes after I get off work.  I'm going to have to zoom quickly to be there on time.  Wish me luck!

I'm pretty sure that's all the updates for now.  Be sure to tune in Wednesdays from 3-7pm PST for the show.  I'm getting better at it....

Another End in Sight....

This year is coming to a close.  So much has happened that I haven't had the opportunity to write about.  Falcon and I are no longer together, although we are very good friends.  I know it's for the best, but even know, several months later, it still hurts like Hell. 

I am part of Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I have been since day 1 and I freaking love it!  The show is a four hour long program which has interviews about everything from horror movies to musical guests, artists and so much more.  My segment, The Onyx Music Moment, discusses albums that are coming out that week along with local shows that are happening and other little bits that I think listeners might find interesting. 

If you want to be a part of the ever-growing crowd that listens, please visit Beyond The Dawn Studios.  They have an amazing lineup of shows including music from independent artists when they aren't doing shows.  The show airs on Wednesdays from 3pm to 7pm Pacific time and re=airs on Saturdays from 4pm to 8pm Pacific in case you can't be with us on Wednesdays. It's an amazing show hosted by Jimmie Jones.  I've found out some amazing things while researching and listening to the other segments of this show. 

I've also come across some amazing new music from bands and artists I did not know existed.  I would also invite any bands/artists who might be reading this to submit their music to the show for exposure.  Send me a private message and I'll send you the email to submit your music. If you have friends who are in bands that need exposure, please feel free to share this link with them as well.  We welcome all genres of music because that's how we roll!

Let's see, what else has happened this year.  I worked briefly for the post office.  I quit for a multitude of reasons.  Instead, I found a nice desk job in a warehouse that sells used laptop computer parts, cell phones, and that sort of thing.  I don't make as much as the post office, but the personal benefits are worth more to me than money. 

I've reconnected with old friends this year. That was really nice. 

I'm also lonely as Hell.  I don't get out very much anymore.  I don't have a lot going for me other than the online radio show.  I don't get out to sing hardly at all, and I really miss it.  The last time I went singing, Raven's dad was in town for her birthday.  That was toward the beginning of this month.  I might have gone once since then, but I can't recall at the moment.  I'm also tired of being alone.  I don't mind being by myself.  I have plenty to do, but I would love to spend my time with a companion.  You know, like a boyfriend.  Falcon is a great friend, but it is evident that we will never be together again.  For me, that is very sad even though I know that it is for the best.  He is just happy being single, playing video games and going to karaoke when he likes.  I have other needs and wants that I would like fulfilled by someone special.  And before anyone remarks that I'll find love when I'm not looking... I already know that, but there's no harm in putting my desires out to the Universe.

I have a few New Year's resolutions this year.  I've already started most of them.  First, I wanted to get more exercise because I'm not getting what I used to get at the post office.  I've been walking three miles a day when weather permits.  Raven goes with me because we both need to get out into the fresh air more.  I have also started creating events for Raven and I to do on weekends.  At least once a weekend. I don't want our weekends to be a constant state of staying home watching movies all day.  That's what we did mostly today, and I about died.  I get cabin fever easily.

Otherwise, I guess nothing much happened.  I guess there wasn't as much as I thought. 

Hopefully, next year will be much better..... be sure to tune into Erosion Factory Radio Show!

I May Be 40, But...

Finally, finally, I am on my way to getting what I want. Or, most of it anyway.  I have a great job, which I just have to pass my probation and I'll really have it made.  I'll be able to start paying off my student loans.  It's been a long time since I've been able to send a payment in, and I really need to get that taken care of.  It seems like waste because I didn't end up with a career in my field of study, but I'll tell you what...

A lot of employers just want their candidates to have a Bachelor's degree, no matter what the field.  At least that will never be able to take that away from me. 

I'll also be able to move into a bigger place, hopefully by this spring.  I have a few other things to do before that can happen, but I am well on my way.  Raven has been nagging me for a while for a bedroom of her own.  Being in a one-bedroom is rather cramped, I'm not going to lie, but I also know that things could be a lot worse. 

I survived my first day on the streets today.  Handling mail is easy, but the walking has killed me today.  I'll probably need a better pair of shoes soon.  I bought a pair of boots because they are comfy and great support for my ankles.  I'm surprised, actually, that I didn't trip over any of the cracks in the sidewalk today.  I'm rather proud of that. 

My trainer said I did great.  There were a few issues beyond our control, but we still finished in good time.  I ended up with some overtime, and I'm not complaining.  Every little bit helps. 

I know that it is going to take some time to get everything down, like my routine and whatnot, but I know that I'll be able to get it done.  I'm smart and I have great ability to learn things quickly.  Especially if I have the drive.  And right now, I have more drive than I know what to do with.

I am very glad to have two days before I go in again.  I feel bad for some of my coworkers who might not be getting even a day in between their training days.  I am looking forward to finishing my training days and getting down to the real business.  I hear that I'm going to have more hours than I know what to do with.  I'm excited.  I just hope that it doesn't keep me past 6pm most days.  Still have to make sure that Raven is picked up from the club.  I'm not that worried about it, though.

I'm just super excited about the way things are going right now. 

It's about freaking time, too. 

Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

If at First You Don't Succeed...

... hit it with a sledgehammer until you get it right.

But, seriously, I had to do some reconsidering over the last few days.  I went back to the staffing agency, but they decided that they didn't have anything for me right now.  No worries. I got a call from another agency that was having a job fair today.  I went right down and all I have to do is give them proof of my education, which is no problem, and pass a background check and a drug test and I'm all set.  If all goes well, I'll be working again by next week.

Yes, more warehouse work, but I doubt that it will be half as arduous as the one I worked on Monday.  Ouch!

I'll just be glad to be caught up on all of my stuff, bills, etc.  I know most of us know what it's like to have less than no money.

I've considered looking for work in my career field outside of the state.  I am apprehensive about doing this for a few reasons.  Most of which are selfish, but sometimes that cannot be helped.

Most importantly, if I do look for work outside my state, I wouldn't want to move that far away.  I did find a promising opportunity in Southern California, which would be nice on multiple levels not the least of which would be Raven being physically closer to her dad.  Not that he would care too much about that or make an effort to see her, but who knows.  I'm not inside his head.  But, I don't want to have to uproot Raven AGAIN if it doesn't look good.

Secondly, I would miss Falcon like no one else in the world.  He would go with me.  At least, not right now.  We've talked about this once before, and he was pretty clear that he wasn't going to stand in the way of me getting the career I wanted.  I am not quite sure how to take that.  Does he not really care that much about being with me, or does he live by the old cliche "If you love someone set them free...." etc.  I don't know for sure, but sometimes I don't think he is truly happy.  I'll have to talk to him about it one day.

Thirdly, I'm just scared, plain and simple.  I am afraid of succeeding.  I'm afraid of being successful.  What if I am?  For me, that's a scary thought.

And, right now, I don't have the money to move.  Why am I talking myself out of this?  I should be sending out as many applications/resumes as I can.  I know that most will not all me back simply because I am not local to them. These are entry level jobs I am talking about, so what really do I have to lose?

But, what if one does?  What then?  ARGH! It makes me feel like this sometimes:

I do know that I really need to touch up on my phone interviewing skills.  They suck like a Hoover vacuum cleaner right now. 

Otherwise, I believe I am over most of the depression and sadness for the time being.  When I get this way, I usually get my hair cut.  I need to do that again.  I had an appointment a few weekends ago, but couldn't keep it due to a personal emergency.  I really need to reschedule.  Especially before Raven goes back to school. She was also scheduled to get her hair done.  She wants it short.  So do I. 

Well for now I believe I will just keep on the path that I'm on.  Get caught up and start saving money for a possible move.  If I'm not moving out of state anytime soon for a career, then at the very least I'll be saving to move somewhere in town that is bigger than a one-bedroom.  Raven is really starting to ask when we are getting a bigger place so that she can have her own room.  I've been asking myself that same question.  I really want a room to myself so that I can just stay up reading or talking on the phone or whatever.  And, she needs some space of her own.

Wow, that really got off topic.  Sometimes, the best conversations I have are inside my own head.  I was just thinking earlier today about soylent green.  I was wondering where the heck it came from, etc, and Falcon is really knowledgeable about such things.  I asked him and he gave me the lowdown.  Ick... But, there it is.  I really need to watch that movie.  Well, one of these days....

Yeah... my mind wanders to some really interesting places....

I believe I did warn you guys up front, though, right?

Looking Up and Seeing....

Well, the other night was a Blue Moon.  It was also a Harvest Moon, if I read correctly.  Some really take astrology stuff very seriously. I am not one of those, although, sometimes there are things to coincidental that it is difficult not to take it more seriously.  I am wondering if part of the depression had to do with the stars. Doubtful.  More likely it had something to do with my monthly cycle, the fact that I hadn't found a full-time job, or that Raven has become increasingly more interesting to deal with.  (She's almost ten and starting to assert that independence that most children start exploring with at that age.)

Or perhaps the depression goes a lot deeper than that.  Once, I tried to seek help, but without having insurance or a massive amount of money, I was forced to seek help from interns at a clinic in Boise.  The trouble with that was that the intern that I was seeing was only going to be there for a few more weeks and then I would start seeing some other intern.  I guess I didn't want to get frustrated by having to continually reexplain my issues every few months to someone new. 

So, I have been dealing with these issues on my own my entire adult life.  Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I have horrible days.  I guess that is a part of being human.  We all have days like that. 

I haven't quite found the job that I want, but I was able to get full-time work in a warehouse.  Reno is full of them.  There never seems to be a shortage of warehouse jobs.  I went to a staffing agency, which for me is sometimes better because I really don't interview very well in the real world. 

The first assignment is only about six weeks, but that's better than the sporadic hours I have with my current job.  I actually kept my current job in case the warehouse doesn't work out as well as I had hoped, and will keep it even if it does and work it a few nights a week.  With Raven starting school in just over a week, it will be really nice to have a job that keeps me able to get her to school in the mornings and still have time to pick her up from the Boys and Girls Club before they close. 

Getting out of the financial hell I've gotten myself into is important and I believe will help me get out of that part of the depression.  It will take a few weeks, but once I'm out, I plan on staying out.  Isn't that always the goal?

So, on my own anti-depression plan, I take things one day at at time and try not to be so hard on myself.  Self-forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to achieve.  Because I'm so hard on myself.  If I don't be, no one else would.  I'm also trying to verbalize things I am thankful for.




They include:
Waking up alive this morning
A boyfriend, that while not romantic in any way, shape, or form, is still there for me, even if I can't really talk to him about some things. And, the fact that he is always willing to help me with Raven.  He's been more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was.
Raven, who while difficult, is still a great girl, and is growing up to be an awesome young lady.
My old job and my new job. 
The roof over my head and the food on the table

This isn't helping....

God, I wish I had someone to talk to......

Is There Any Hope Out There?

Don't let the smile on my face fool you.  It is there to prevent people from asking the age old question, "Are you okay?" 

No, I'm not okay.  I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now.  I don't think that I will ever be "okay".  But, I'm not leaving, either.  You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it.  Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am.  She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life. 

Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay.  I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay.  In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.

Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help.  I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now.  I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job.  True.  But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others.  I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential.  I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop.  Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream.  When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill. 

Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed.  The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it.   Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did.  Does post partum depression last this long if not treated? 

I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place.  Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am.  And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you.  I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks.  Apparently, not enough.  I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire.  Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!

The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much.  I'm still in the same state as before.  Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up.  I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to.  They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway.  Few local that I can really go to to talk to.  I move around too much.  Most of my friends are far away.  Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on.  Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on.  I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression.  And, I don't bother him with it.  

God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....

But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying.  But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....

Trail Series: Bitterbrush Trail/Marilyn's Pond

Today's hike took us to a place we didn't expect.  We wanted to hike to Church's Pond, but instead too an accidental wrong turn and ended up at Marilyn's Pond.  It was a beautiful pond, a short hike through the lower part of the Galena Recreational Park.  Even though the hike was short, the incline was rough on my out of shape body.  (Isn't this one reason I started hiking this year anyway?)

Raven and I thought we might double back and hike to Church's Pond, but decided to tackle that on another day.  There are several trails in this park, and we are thinking about tackling each of them.  There are several places to park for the various trail heads, so the possibilities are many. 

I tried to catch as many pictures of the fish in the pond as I could, but even if they didn't come out, the pictures of the pond itself are great.

I recommend the Bitterbrush hike for beginning to intermediate hiking abilities and dogs must be kept on a leash.  We even saw a few people wading in part of the stream.  It was a great day for that!

Pictures are below. For the definitive collection of pictures, please click here!

The trail map that still got us lost.

Galena Creek

Marilyn's Pond (See the fish?)

Raven enjoying the view.

We decided to do the Nature Trail another time.

I hope you are enjoying the Trail Series.  Please feel free to comment or send a message.  I love getting those.