One would think that after nearly 40 years, one would get used to the feelings. They are familiar, and they are also horrible. No one should have to endure them, and most of the time they are forgotten until something or someone brings them up again. I've tried to get over these feelings, they are horrible.
I'm still here, and I'll still be enduring these awful, depressing feelings until long after they cease to matter. I've tried to grow my duck feathers, but this instance is not rolling off my back as easily as the others. It's harder when it's family that causes it.
But, I refuse to take the coward's way out, even though I really want to sometimes.
No. I have to keep enduring. I have to keep making the choices that will keep me on this planet for just a little while longer....
Monday, March 30, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I Already know I'm a Screw-up!
I don't need to be reminded of every time in the last thirty years or more that I have not lived up to you expectations. You believe that I have spent my life lying to you. You are misguided. I have never lied to you. Not once, about anything. I'm pretty sure you taught me better than that.
Why have you never once given me any ounce of encouragement? Why have you never once given me a compliment for something that I have done instead of focusing on things you think I haven't done? It is so very frustrating. You make me feel like I should never have been born. Perhaps that would be better than affecting your life so much, as you say mine does. Heaven forbid that my life (MY life) be such a burden or affect you in a perceived negative way.
Why would you bring up things that happened so long ago just to try to make a point about things you think I'm not doing (even though I am)? Most of thing time to these things you bring up, you weren't even there for. You don't know my life. You never once asked. NOT ONCE! And, why would I want to relive my early years. The years I spent being bullied and teased on a daily basis. Never being taught how to combat those bullies or taunts in a constructive or healthy way, not that anyone ever listened to me about that. Being told to quit being a baby and just suck it up. What makes you think I want to relive any of that with you? Why do you even give a shit after all this time? It's long since done with and those who bullied probably don't even remember me, so who cares!
You believe that I am not keeping up on our agreement just because you don't see any evidence to the contrary. Just because I haven't put the hose out doesn't mean that I don't know how to fill up a fucking watering can to ensure that the trees that I talked you into buying and planting survive. I want to make sure they don't die as much as you. Don't tell me that I'm not doing my part. What, you were there this morning. Did you not see the multitude of weeds that I spent the better part of Sunday morning digging up and pulling? No. You only see the pile of grass/weeds that I left in the middle of the yard because I ran out of time to remove them and then forgot in the middle of digging up the other plots of dirt that were running rampant with other weeds. No, you don't see the areas that have been taken care of and cleared. You only see what was left behind. You don't see the pots in front of the steps that have been planted with herbs and peppers. You don't see the seedlings that are already beginning to sprout so that they can be planted in the garden when it is time. You don't see any of this because you can't imagine that I might actually be doing what I said I would do. And because of the negative things you perceive, you think I am lying about the good things that I have done.
I suppose that I would probably die of a heart attack if you ever gave me a compliment just once. Or some encouragement. Instead of telling me about the possible perks of a job that I have applied for, you could try telling me "good luck" or "I know you can do it". I have never, not EVER, once heard those words from you. How much negativity do you think that I can possibly take in my life before I completely shut down? And when I said that I haven't had the time to look for jobs in places that you have suggested (as if I hadn't already thought of that, but thank you for the ideas), you tell me to make time. Yeah, well, knowing that I don't have internet at my house with which to surf the almighty internet for these so-called jobs that are local isn't exactly happening. But, while we are on the subject, I'll write here that I have a job app installed on my smart phone. You know, that piece of technology that you don't have and probably never will. I get it. But you don't know that I spend a good piece of time everyday searching out those job boards for jobs in my field of study. And guess what. The majority of the good-paying jobs are out-of-state, just like I told you on the phone today.
And another thing... why the hell would you care about my life choice of being a 'minimalist' as you said. I have merely said that I don't need a lot of things in order to be happy. Why does that bug you so much? As it is, I feel like I have way too many things as it is. I don't need things that I'm not going to use. I don't need things that are just taking up space. Actually, I don't need my emotions to be crowded like this, either. I have never wanted to live so far away from you as I do now.
And by the way, I haven't asked you for anything in YEARS. You are the one who offered what you offered after Tom died. You didn't have to do that. I would have been fine. I always find a way to make it some way or another. Someone else in the family is always amazed at how I manage to make something out of nothing. And that isn't to say that I do not appreciate what you have done for me in my life. But that help always seemed to come with strings attached. And, I'm not talking about our current agreement. What I'm ranting about has nothing to do with that. You have been hanging past help over my head for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
And then you try to make our conversation lighter by further demeaning my life? Does that really make you feel better? Sheesh, I'm crying on the other end of this phone because I haven't felt this low in a very long time. Does that make you feel better? Just because I don't care what other people think doesn't mean I don't care what you think. Those people that matter comprise a very short list, and unfortunately, you are on it. And you wonder why I moved out of state six years or so ago.
Why is it that you simply cannot let me live my life the way I think is best for me? Sure, it is not the way you think I should live, but so the hell what?! You aren't the single mom doing the best she can. You aren't the one who made these decisions. You aren't the one who has to live with the choices I've made. Guess what? No one asked you to, either. There's a reason why I have never come to you with life problems in several years. Because there has never been an interest by you. You give the appearance of someone who simply doesn't want to hear about my life. Oh, I know you care, at least to the point of caring about why I haven't lived my life the way you want. You never ask what's going on with me. It seems like the only time you ever call is to degrade or belittle me with something that you think I haven't been doing or think I need to be doing. I'm so tired of having those conversations. We have VERY different points-of-view on life and that's fine, but you do NOT need to try to push you way of life onto me.
We will forever clash, so I know it is going to be best to sever ties as soon as I am able to move on with life. You know of which I speak. Heck, you probably aren't even reading this, and that's okay. I write this because writing things out is therapeutic for me. Even hours later I am still so very upset and crying because of the words you said to me earlier. Perhaps I will send you a letter telling you exactly how I feel. I know I could never get it out without crying and getting upset, so I'll let you read every word, being clear and concise.
Some who might read this might think that I am so ungrateful for the things you have done. Without you I would not have been able to get the car I still drive, even though it is quickly falling apart due to age. Not due to neglect as you might think. Did you even notice that I had the windshield replaced? Do you even know that I had to have $1200 worth of work on it in order to be able to keep driving it? No, because you don't ask. But you'll ask me if I've had the oil changed. Or insist that you take a look at it when I come to visit. As if I don't know how to make sure to keep it going. And yes, I know how to change my own freaking oil. But you are who you are, so I let you continue being you because I would never have you any other way.
No, actually, that isn't quite true. I would ask that you stop trying to force your way of life on me. I know I'm the family screw-up, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it. That doesn't mean that I'm not working very hard in order to make something better for myself and for Raven. But that also means that I'm going to do that on my own terms, not yours. So as much as I appreciate what you have done and are doing, please don't think that just because of this that you can dictate the terms of my life. I'm certainly old enough to own my mistakes and learn from them. Doesn't matter how many times I have to make them. They will always be mine to make.
Just remember this. I haven't asked you for anything since the last time when you told me it would be the last time you would help me. You are not the one I go to when I need support, either mentally or emotionally. I have not asked for money from anyone since that time and neither have I asked for anything else of any kind. I've found other ways, for instance taking out a title loan on my car once. You weren't there for that. You never even knew about that. It wasn't your business. Suffice it to say that you are not the one I run to when I have issues. You aren't the one who has earned my trust enough to to go. You are not the one that I believe has earned the right to hear my woes, my worries or anything else in my life because I believe that you will just turn it around on me and make whatever I am going through all my fault. Which, as much as it might be, I also know that you will never give me any encouragement of any kind. Well, I don't need it from you. I've lived without it for this long, might as well not start now.
People reading this might think that this is a really harsh blog entry, and though it might be, just like you this morning, I feel like I need to get this out of my mind and out into the open. Perhaps not in so much an open forum as this, but then, I've kept the specific nature of who you are out of the writing and only family will know who you really are, strangers will not.
The sucky thing is that I do not feel much better after taking a few hours to write this than I did when I ended the phone call.
I've never felt so much like killing myself as I do now.....
Why have you never once given me any ounce of encouragement? Why have you never once given me a compliment for something that I have done instead of focusing on things you think I haven't done? It is so very frustrating. You make me feel like I should never have been born. Perhaps that would be better than affecting your life so much, as you say mine does. Heaven forbid that my life (MY life) be such a burden or affect you in a perceived negative way.
Why would you bring up things that happened so long ago just to try to make a point about things you think I'm not doing (even though I am)? Most of thing time to these things you bring up, you weren't even there for. You don't know my life. You never once asked. NOT ONCE! And, why would I want to relive my early years. The years I spent being bullied and teased on a daily basis. Never being taught how to combat those bullies or taunts in a constructive or healthy way, not that anyone ever listened to me about that. Being told to quit being a baby and just suck it up. What makes you think I want to relive any of that with you? Why do you even give a shit after all this time? It's long since done with and those who bullied probably don't even remember me, so who cares!
You believe that I am not keeping up on our agreement just because you don't see any evidence to the contrary. Just because I haven't put the hose out doesn't mean that I don't know how to fill up a fucking watering can to ensure that the trees that I talked you into buying and planting survive. I want to make sure they don't die as much as you. Don't tell me that I'm not doing my part. What, you were there this morning. Did you not see the multitude of weeds that I spent the better part of Sunday morning digging up and pulling? No. You only see the pile of grass/weeds that I left in the middle of the yard because I ran out of time to remove them and then forgot in the middle of digging up the other plots of dirt that were running rampant with other weeds. No, you don't see the areas that have been taken care of and cleared. You only see what was left behind. You don't see the pots in front of the steps that have been planted with herbs and peppers. You don't see the seedlings that are already beginning to sprout so that they can be planted in the garden when it is time. You don't see any of this because you can't imagine that I might actually be doing what I said I would do. And because of the negative things you perceive, you think I am lying about the good things that I have done.
I suppose that I would probably die of a heart attack if you ever gave me a compliment just once. Or some encouragement. Instead of telling me about the possible perks of a job that I have applied for, you could try telling me "good luck" or "I know you can do it". I have never, not EVER, once heard those words from you. How much negativity do you think that I can possibly take in my life before I completely shut down? And when I said that I haven't had the time to look for jobs in places that you have suggested (as if I hadn't already thought of that, but thank you for the ideas), you tell me to make time. Yeah, well, knowing that I don't have internet at my house with which to surf the almighty internet for these so-called jobs that are local isn't exactly happening. But, while we are on the subject, I'll write here that I have a job app installed on my smart phone. You know, that piece of technology that you don't have and probably never will. I get it. But you don't know that I spend a good piece of time everyday searching out those job boards for jobs in my field of study. And guess what. The majority of the good-paying jobs are out-of-state, just like I told you on the phone today.
And another thing... why the hell would you care about my life choice of being a 'minimalist' as you said. I have merely said that I don't need a lot of things in order to be happy. Why does that bug you so much? As it is, I feel like I have way too many things as it is. I don't need things that I'm not going to use. I don't need things that are just taking up space. Actually, I don't need my emotions to be crowded like this, either. I have never wanted to live so far away from you as I do now.
And by the way, I haven't asked you for anything in YEARS. You are the one who offered what you offered after Tom died. You didn't have to do that. I would have been fine. I always find a way to make it some way or another. Someone else in the family is always amazed at how I manage to make something out of nothing. And that isn't to say that I do not appreciate what you have done for me in my life. But that help always seemed to come with strings attached. And, I'm not talking about our current agreement. What I'm ranting about has nothing to do with that. You have been hanging past help over my head for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
And then you try to make our conversation lighter by further demeaning my life? Does that really make you feel better? Sheesh, I'm crying on the other end of this phone because I haven't felt this low in a very long time. Does that make you feel better? Just because I don't care what other people think doesn't mean I don't care what you think. Those people that matter comprise a very short list, and unfortunately, you are on it. And you wonder why I moved out of state six years or so ago.
Why is it that you simply cannot let me live my life the way I think is best for me? Sure, it is not the way you think I should live, but so the hell what?! You aren't the single mom doing the best she can. You aren't the one who made these decisions. You aren't the one who has to live with the choices I've made. Guess what? No one asked you to, either. There's a reason why I have never come to you with life problems in several years. Because there has never been an interest by you. You give the appearance of someone who simply doesn't want to hear about my life. Oh, I know you care, at least to the point of caring about why I haven't lived my life the way you want. You never ask what's going on with me. It seems like the only time you ever call is to degrade or belittle me with something that you think I haven't been doing or think I need to be doing. I'm so tired of having those conversations. We have VERY different points-of-view on life and that's fine, but you do NOT need to try to push you way of life onto me.
We will forever clash, so I know it is going to be best to sever ties as soon as I am able to move on with life. You know of which I speak. Heck, you probably aren't even reading this, and that's okay. I write this because writing things out is therapeutic for me. Even hours later I am still so very upset and crying because of the words you said to me earlier. Perhaps I will send you a letter telling you exactly how I feel. I know I could never get it out without crying and getting upset, so I'll let you read every word, being clear and concise.
Some who might read this might think that I am so ungrateful for the things you have done. Without you I would not have been able to get the car I still drive, even though it is quickly falling apart due to age. Not due to neglect as you might think. Did you even notice that I had the windshield replaced? Do you even know that I had to have $1200 worth of work on it in order to be able to keep driving it? No, because you don't ask. But you'll ask me if I've had the oil changed. Or insist that you take a look at it when I come to visit. As if I don't know how to make sure to keep it going. And yes, I know how to change my own freaking oil. But you are who you are, so I let you continue being you because I would never have you any other way.
No, actually, that isn't quite true. I would ask that you stop trying to force your way of life on me. I know I'm the family screw-up, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it. That doesn't mean that I'm not working very hard in order to make something better for myself and for Raven. But that also means that I'm going to do that on my own terms, not yours. So as much as I appreciate what you have done and are doing, please don't think that just because of this that you can dictate the terms of my life. I'm certainly old enough to own my mistakes and learn from them. Doesn't matter how many times I have to make them. They will always be mine to make.
Just remember this. I haven't asked you for anything since the last time when you told me it would be the last time you would help me. You are not the one I go to when I need support, either mentally or emotionally. I have not asked for money from anyone since that time and neither have I asked for anything else of any kind. I've found other ways, for instance taking out a title loan on my car once. You weren't there for that. You never even knew about that. It wasn't your business. Suffice it to say that you are not the one I run to when I have issues. You aren't the one who has earned my trust enough to to go. You are not the one that I believe has earned the right to hear my woes, my worries or anything else in my life because I believe that you will just turn it around on me and make whatever I am going through all my fault. Which, as much as it might be, I also know that you will never give me any encouragement of any kind. Well, I don't need it from you. I've lived without it for this long, might as well not start now.
People reading this might think that this is a really harsh blog entry, and though it might be, just like you this morning, I feel like I need to get this out of my mind and out into the open. Perhaps not in so much an open forum as this, but then, I've kept the specific nature of who you are out of the writing and only family will know who you really are, strangers will not.
The sucky thing is that I do not feel much better after taking a few hours to write this than I did when I ended the phone call.
I've never felt so much like killing myself as I do now.....
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
One Year Has Just Flown By
Today it has been one year since Titan left this Earth. It hardly seems like that much time has gone by. In that time I have shed many tears for his passing. I have finished my college education even though it looked like that for a time it might not happen. I have met someone new and have developed a very loving, caring relationship with this person I lovingly refer to as Falcon. Raven has come back to live with me and is doing well. Yes, there have been many things happen in this past year.
Some might say that I did not mourn Titan's death long enough or strong enough and how could I just move on like that after losing someone I had known practically my whole life? Well, as a friend told me just today, people mourn in their own ways. And that is true. I think about Titan everyday. I have his picture and his ashes on the top shelf of the bookcase. I think about the times we did have together both last year and when we were younger. He and I palled around during the Washington D.C. trip after our 8th grade year. That was a very fun time that I will never forget.
I remember dinners at his house, and the time he first started learning to play the drums. He became quite good at it over the years and I am sad to say that I never got to see his band play. I remember the times we went to sing karaoke and how much I miss hearing his voice singing Elvis or Stray Cats. I think about how hard it was to sing his favorite songs just after he passed. I can sing them now, but I still think about him every time I do.
I found a folder of pictures on my computer a few weeks ago that I had set aside for his parents. I did forward those to them, but forgot that they were there. I looked through them and of course tears began to fall.
Yesterday would have been his 40th birthday. How awful is it not to be able to celebrate his birthday knowing that the next day was his death.
I should probably send his parents an email or something. Perhaps bring flowers to their house. I don't know what etiquette dictates in situations like this. Perhaps I will look it up online. The almighty Google should unearth the answers I seek.
Either way, today is a day unlike any other except for a deeper sense of memorium for Titan. I miss him everyday.
Some might say that I did not mourn Titan's death long enough or strong enough and how could I just move on like that after losing someone I had known practically my whole life? Well, as a friend told me just today, people mourn in their own ways. And that is true. I think about Titan everyday. I have his picture and his ashes on the top shelf of the bookcase. I think about the times we did have together both last year and when we were younger. He and I palled around during the Washington D.C. trip after our 8th grade year. That was a very fun time that I will never forget.
I remember dinners at his house, and the time he first started learning to play the drums. He became quite good at it over the years and I am sad to say that I never got to see his band play. I remember the times we went to sing karaoke and how much I miss hearing his voice singing Elvis or Stray Cats. I think about how hard it was to sing his favorite songs just after he passed. I can sing them now, but I still think about him every time I do.
I found a folder of pictures on my computer a few weeks ago that I had set aside for his parents. I did forward those to them, but forgot that they were there. I looked through them and of course tears began to fall.
Yesterday would have been his 40th birthday. How awful is it not to be able to celebrate his birthday knowing that the next day was his death.
I should probably send his parents an email or something. Perhaps bring flowers to their house. I don't know what etiquette dictates in situations like this. Perhaps I will look it up online. The almighty Google should unearth the answers I seek.
Either way, today is a day unlike any other except for a deeper sense of memorium for Titan. I miss him everyday.
In loving memory,
January 12th, 1975 - January 13th, 2014
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Cupcakes and Career Hunting
I tried to post a test blog from my phone, but it sent it to the wrong blog section. I haven't written anything in my Random Library Findings in a while, so I don't quite know why the writing went there. Oh well. I deleted it and decided to write from the source, or my computer, as it were. It's okay. I like the ability to edit etc. from here anyway.
Raven has been on Winter Break for the last THREE weeks! What school tortures their parents like this anyway! When my friends in other states were saying that their kids were going back to school this past week I was very jealous. Money has been tight to say the least, so we didn't really do much of anything over her break. I can't wait until she goes back to school. She is not looking forward to it. What kid does, really, but she told me flat out "not to mention it". Oh well. I mentioned it anyway.. lol
Raven and I have been spending a lot of time at Falcon's apartment for various reasons. Firstly, because he was helping with her daycare while she was on break. I couldn't afford the money to put her in the Boys and Girls Club over the break which rather broke my heart because I know she loves going there and participating in the various field trips and such. She also has a lot of friends that attend the club. She didn't get to spend as much time with her friends over the break as I would have liked, but scheduling conflicts and a mysterious deletion of one of her friend's parents' contacts made that impossible.
The other reason is that something happened to my hot water heater. It took my dad several days before the new one he replaced it with finally started working. It was the strangest thing. He thinks that there might have been something going on with the breaker. And go figure, the day after it starts working again, the garbage disposal starts to leak. I tell you, if it is not one thing, it's another!
I wish I would have thought of this earlier in the break, but I didn't. I decided that each day or every other day as time allows, Raven is to pick something new that she wants to learn about or how to do and we will research and learn this new thing together. Even if we don't "master" the subject in a day (who does that anyway!) at least it will get her exposed to something new everyday. She is the one to pick the subject matter and together we will research and learn it.
Yesterday she wanted to learn how to make marble cupcakes. An interesting topic, so I found a recipe online. I have never made marble cupcakes so this was a new experience for both of us. Falcon bought the majority of the ingredients so we could embark on this endeavor. He didn't mind as he got to eat the final product. Raven and I also made chocolate butter frosting from scratch. Sure, it might seem like something simple to do, but to a 9-year-old who hasn't done much, it was a really good experience for her. I think she enjoyed herself. She certainly had fun spinning the knife in the batter!
In other news, I have finally finished my resume and did a bit of job hunting. I haven't applied yet as I am waiting for my career adviser to reassess my resume. He's been helping me to get it ready for sending out. I did find what seemed like a really good job. The starting pay is really good and it is an entry level position. It seemed like something that one gets into in order to advance within the company. Perfect for someone like me!
The only drawback that I can see is that this job would take me out of Reno. I don't mind that so much. I have moved fifty times in my life, but I finally have a relationship that I don't want to leave behind. Falcon has been so good to Raven and I and I couldn't bear to not be with him. We briefly talked about this when we first met. About the possibility of me leaving. I don't know how he feels about coming with me if I were to get a good job and have to move. He's got friends here and a decent job. I will have to talk with him further. I really want him to come with me if that time ever comes.
But, as I haven't applied for the job yet, I don't want to dwell on anything negative for now. I will cross that bridge when the time comes, but it helps to be prepared. I can't imagine myself going kayaking without paddles, so to speak.
I've been having a bit of difficulty with my vision as of late. I believe that I just need to get my glasses updated properly, but the rate at which I get dizzy watching a television or movie screen has been overwhelming. Falcon bought me Skyrim for Xmas and I can't
play it because I get too dizzy. He says that it is a common occurrence, but what good is it to try to play when I just feel nauseous all the time? But as I cannot get that taken care of until I get some extra money, and I won't get extra money until either I can work more hours at my current job or find the aforementioned better job, then I'll just have to wait. I just hope that I don't get dizzy while I'm driving or something.
Time has flown by and I cannot believe that it has nearly been a year since Titan's passing. I have been thinking about him a lot as of late. Those thoughts have brought me to tears and I've had to excuse myself a few times. I know Falcon knows the reason for the tears, but he is kind not to say anything. Needless to say, 2014 had its horrible points, but also it brought some of the best things to my life that I have ever had. I do hope that 2015 treats me better. I will be writing something about Titan in the anniversary blog in a few days. I should probably send an email to his parents to see how they are doing. My plan was to go singing karaoke and sing Titan's favorite songs including the one that took me months before I could sing again. I don't know if that will happen or not.
I suppose that this is enough of a novella for now. I plan on writing more frequently in 2015. I have the time for now. It really helps get things off my chest and out into the open. I have no idea who reads this although I do know that there are a few who do. If you are one who reads this please feel free to leave a comment. Encouraging or otherwise. It doesn't matter.
::endtransmission::
Raven has been on Winter Break for the last THREE weeks! What school tortures their parents like this anyway! When my friends in other states were saying that their kids were going back to school this past week I was very jealous. Money has been tight to say the least, so we didn't really do much of anything over her break. I can't wait until she goes back to school. She is not looking forward to it. What kid does, really, but she told me flat out "not to mention it". Oh well. I mentioned it anyway.. lol
Raven and I have been spending a lot of time at Falcon's apartment for various reasons. Firstly, because he was helping with her daycare while she was on break. I couldn't afford the money to put her in the Boys and Girls Club over the break which rather broke my heart because I know she loves going there and participating in the various field trips and such. She also has a lot of friends that attend the club. She didn't get to spend as much time with her friends over the break as I would have liked, but scheduling conflicts and a mysterious deletion of one of her friend's parents' contacts made that impossible.
I wish I would have thought of this earlier in the break, but I didn't. I decided that each day or every other day as time allows, Raven is to pick something new that she wants to learn about or how to do and we will research and learn this new thing together. Even if we don't "master" the subject in a day (who does that anyway!) at least it will get her exposed to something new everyday. She is the one to pick the subject matter and together we will research and learn it.
Yesterday she wanted to learn how to make marble cupcakes. An interesting topic, so I found a recipe online. I have never made marble cupcakes so this was a new experience for both of us. Falcon bought the majority of the ingredients so we could embark on this endeavor. He didn't mind as he got to eat the final product. Raven and I also made chocolate butter frosting from scratch. Sure, it might seem like something simple to do, but to a 9-year-old who hasn't done much, it was a really good experience for her. I think she enjoyed herself. She certainly had fun spinning the knife in the batter!In other news, I have finally finished my resume and did a bit of job hunting. I haven't applied yet as I am waiting for my career adviser to reassess my resume. He's been helping me to get it ready for sending out. I did find what seemed like a really good job. The starting pay is really good and it is an entry level position. It seemed like something that one gets into in order to advance within the company. Perfect for someone like me!
But, as I haven't applied for the job yet, I don't want to dwell on anything negative for now. I will cross that bridge when the time comes, but it helps to be prepared. I can't imagine myself going kayaking without paddles, so to speak.
I've been having a bit of difficulty with my vision as of late. I believe that I just need to get my glasses updated properly, but the rate at which I get dizzy watching a television or movie screen has been overwhelming. Falcon bought me Skyrim for Xmas and I can't
Time has flown by and I cannot believe that it has nearly been a year since Titan's passing. I have been thinking about him a lot as of late. Those thoughts have brought me to tears and I've had to excuse myself a few times. I know Falcon knows the reason for the tears, but he is kind not to say anything. Needless to say, 2014 had its horrible points, but also it brought some of the best things to my life that I have ever had. I do hope that 2015 treats me better. I will be writing something about Titan in the anniversary blog in a few days. I should probably send an email to his parents to see how they are doing. My plan was to go singing karaoke and sing Titan's favorite songs including the one that took me months before I could sing again. I don't know if that will happen or not.
I suppose that this is enough of a novella for now. I plan on writing more frequently in 2015. I have the time for now. It really helps get things off my chest and out into the open. I have no idea who reads this although I do know that there are a few who do. If you are one who reads this please feel free to leave a comment. Encouraging or otherwise. It doesn't matter.
::endtransmission::
Saturday, December 20, 2014
It's Been One Week...(I Need a New Hobby)
... and I am having a little bit of trouble getting acclimated to not having to stress about homework everyday. Or stress over due dates every Sunday. This is the first Sunday in nearly two years that something hasn't been due (aside from the week breaks here and there). I don't quite know what to do other than to look for a new job that may or may not keep me in town. Don't get me wrong. I do have a plan for that, but since I am not doing anything about that until the beginning of the year, it leaves me with a lot of time on my hands that need to be filled with anything but sitting in front of my computer screen watching Netflix all day. (I will say that I am loving The Originals and Vampire Diaries, though.)
The holidays are usually a time of being happy and cheerful and all of that stuff. This year I am having rather mixed feelings. It is the first year in two years that Raven is home, and I am so happy about that. We bought a live tree for twenty bucks and decorated it with minimal ornaments. We've made dozens of cookies and other treats. Raven's birthday was earlier this month, so there were many treats baked for that as well. She had a slumber party which was a lot of fun. I should have stocked up on Advil.
I have the best boyfriend in the world. Falcon is one of the most amazing men that I have ever known. Those that know me well know that I do not even believe in the word "man" because true men have been few and far between in my life. But, he is intelligent, supportive, and as one friend put it, a "keeper". While I struggle with my own demons, he has been there to be silently supportive throughout those struggles.
I do have a few things that have been filling my time, such as things for work. I had also planned on starting work out more, but it seems that I haven't been motivated to do much about that for now... I need to work on that. I guess I will have to enter the time on my calendar if I want it to actually get done.
Maybe I will invest in a new sewing machine. I used to have one, but it was damaged and I have no idea what happened to it after that. I many patterns that I could try out and I have been wanting a new wardrobe anyway.
Oh well. I know that when I finally get tired of being tired then change will happen. No one else is going to make those changes for me.
::endtransmission::
I have the best boyfriend in the world. Falcon is one of the most amazing men that I have ever known. Those that know me well know that I do not even believe in the word "man" because true men have been few and far between in my life. But, he is intelligent, supportive, and as one friend put it, a "keeper". While I struggle with my own demons, he has been there to be silently supportive throughout those struggles.
I do have a few things that have been filling my time, such as things for work. I had also planned on starting work out more, but it seems that I haven't been motivated to do much about that for now... I need to work on that. I guess I will have to enter the time on my calendar if I want it to actually get done.
Oh well. I know that when I finally get tired of being tired then change will happen. No one else is going to make those changes for me.
::endtransmission::
Sunday, December 7, 2014
8 Days and Counting or My College Education Story
I'm sure that I have written about the fact that I am in school at least once or thrice before. Well after twenty some years, I will be finally done with school in eight days. December 14, 2014 is the last day of torture, hell, stressing over missing assignments, researching for what some would consider meaningless papers and missing out on time with my daughter, Raven. Finally. Over.
It has been a very long road that began right after high school in 1993. I began this journey at Lassen College in Susanville, Ca. I played softball for their team while I knocked out some core classes. That year was okay, but I decided that I would give school a break. Well, I gave it a break for a lot longer than I had intended.
I tried to go back for a short stint at American River College in Sacramento, Ca, but that lasted less than a semester. I don't recall why I gave up on that, but I suspect it had something to do with being pregnant with my son.
It wasn't until 2003 (if memory serves, which sometimes it doesn't) that I went back to school again for real. I was studying Audio Engineering as Sacramento City College. I was doing very well. Things happened and so I moved back to Reno thinking that I could finish this degree at one of the colleges there. I couldn't, so I gave up for many more years.
Then Raven was born. I decided that I needed to go back to school. I signed up for Kaplan University and was in their Bachelor's program for Business. The strange thing was that none of my previous credits transferred to that school. Oh well. I took several classes over again. I was in that program for two years. Raven was at the hand of neglect for a while when I was on my own because school was taking over. I decided it was time to drop out.
And then a year-and-a-half ago I was encouraged by a friend in Boise to go back to school. I researched programs that I thought I would like. I didn't want to go back into business because I knew that wasn't for me. My first choice was Forestry, which I would still like to learn, but at the time I didn't want to move to a campus that was five hours or so outside of Boise. I decided to pursue the current degree I am working on, Bachelor's of Science in Criminal Justice with an Emphasis on Case Management and Corrections from American InterContinental University Online. Happily, yet strangely enough, 65.5 credits from the three previous colleges transferred to this school. Makes me wonder why those credits from the two junior colleges didn't transfer to Kaplan. AIU and Kaplan are accredited by the same people. It didn't matter. As long as I didn't have to take math or English again. ;)
Raven had since come back to live with me this past July, and I knew that she would spend many hours alone while I studied. I have done the best I could to ensure that she understood why I was always on my computer and not spending time with her. For the most part, she understood and has had a cheery disposition about it. She is excited, needless to say, about the fact that Mommy won't have to do anymore homework after next weekend. I am looking forward to making up for lost time, if that is even possible. It isn't as though we have not spent any time together, but I know that I will be able to spend more, and that makes this whole thing worth it.
I also have to give my thanks to Falcon. Without him, I would be spending a lot more time in the library using their internet and leaving Raven to her own devices there. That wasn't something that I was prepared to do. He has been instrumental in ensuring that she hasn't gone neglected during my times of study over at his place. He has really taken us both in. We have spent numerous nights at his apartment so that I could wake up early and get homework started or finished, sometimes both. He has been supportive in my desire to finish school once and for all. Without his support and the support of friends from Boise and from my parents, I would not have been able to finish.
Honestly, I know that college isn't the end of learning. It isn't the end of researching or of study. If one decides that they have learned all they can or need, then what is the point of continuing to live? Life is about new experiences and of new challenges. Who knows? Perhaps one day I will go back to school and study forestry as I wanted to in the first place.
I had given up many times. I shouldn't have. If I could give any advice to anyone in school it would be to never give up, no matter how hard it gets. Or:
It has been a very long road that began right after high school in 1993. I began this journey at Lassen College in Susanville, Ca. I played softball for their team while I knocked out some core classes. That year was okay, but I decided that I would give school a break. Well, I gave it a break for a lot longer than I had intended.
I tried to go back for a short stint at American River College in Sacramento, Ca, but that lasted less than a semester. I don't recall why I gave up on that, but I suspect it had something to do with being pregnant with my son.
It wasn't until 2003 (if memory serves, which sometimes it doesn't) that I went back to school again for real. I was studying Audio Engineering as Sacramento City College. I was doing very well. Things happened and so I moved back to Reno thinking that I could finish this degree at one of the colleges there. I couldn't, so I gave up for many more years.
Then Raven was born. I decided that I needed to go back to school. I signed up for Kaplan University and was in their Bachelor's program for Business. The strange thing was that none of my previous credits transferred to that school. Oh well. I took several classes over again. I was in that program for two years. Raven was at the hand of neglect for a while when I was on my own because school was taking over. I decided it was time to drop out.
And then a year-and-a-half ago I was encouraged by a friend in Boise to go back to school. I researched programs that I thought I would like. I didn't want to go back into business because I knew that wasn't for me. My first choice was Forestry, which I would still like to learn, but at the time I didn't want to move to a campus that was five hours or so outside of Boise. I decided to pursue the current degree I am working on, Bachelor's of Science in Criminal Justice with an Emphasis on Case Management and Corrections from American InterContinental University Online. Happily, yet strangely enough, 65.5 credits from the three previous colleges transferred to this school. Makes me wonder why those credits from the two junior colleges didn't transfer to Kaplan. AIU and Kaplan are accredited by the same people. It didn't matter. As long as I didn't have to take math or English again. ;)
Raven had since come back to live with me this past July, and I knew that she would spend many hours alone while I studied. I have done the best I could to ensure that she understood why I was always on my computer and not spending time with her. For the most part, she understood and has had a cheery disposition about it. She is excited, needless to say, about the fact that Mommy won't have to do anymore homework after next weekend. I am looking forward to making up for lost time, if that is even possible. It isn't as though we have not spent any time together, but I know that I will be able to spend more, and that makes this whole thing worth it.
I also have to give my thanks to Falcon. Without him, I would be spending a lot more time in the library using their internet and leaving Raven to her own devices there. That wasn't something that I was prepared to do. He has been instrumental in ensuring that she hasn't gone neglected during my times of study over at his place. He has really taken us both in. We have spent numerous nights at his apartment so that I could wake up early and get homework started or finished, sometimes both. He has been supportive in my desire to finish school once and for all. Without his support and the support of friends from Boise and from my parents, I would not have been able to finish.
Honestly, I know that college isn't the end of learning. It isn't the end of researching or of study. If one decides that they have learned all they can or need, then what is the point of continuing to live? Life is about new experiences and of new challenges. Who knows? Perhaps one day I will go back to school and study forestry as I wanted to in the first place.
I had given up many times. I shouldn't have. If I could give any advice to anyone in school it would be to never give up, no matter how hard it gets. Or:
"When you get into a tight place and
everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang
on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and
time that the tide will turn." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
When Enough is Certainly Enough!
I sometimes consider myself a normal individual. I guess that depends on your definition of normal. I'm a single mom. I work. I go to school online. I have an awesome boyfriend without whom I would have become worse than a wreck a while ago. I have family members who care about me and who have helped me time and again when I chose the wrong path in life more than thrice.
So, Raven has been left home a lot in the mornings and afternoons. We will just say that that strain has created a lot of stress for her at school, and I got into trouble for leaving her home alone before and after school. Well, this was serious enough for me to nearly have to quit my job. I fixed the after school issue, but the before school issue isn't as easily fixed. There just isn't anything early enough on the days I work to take her to. So, I have had to cut back on my hours significantly. I'm not sure exactly what I am going to do because there isn't really much work for the hours that I am available for right now, and it is going to end up becoming even more stressful.
In addition to everything else, school work has fallen drastically behind. Why am I then writing this? Because I really need to get this out of my system and writing about it definitely helps. It's therapy for me, so suck it. This is the last week of the term, thank goodness, and it has come down to being the most behind in homework I have ever been. It isn't because I was slacking off or doing other things. Work has just kept me that busy. Well, because everything that happened with me getting into trouble, I had to take today and Friday off, and yesterday, too. I did manage to get a bit done, and I will be diving straight into it after I finish this.
I am not liking this imbalance that has crept up into my life. I am a huge fan of balance, but for now there is a great imbalance. Raven and I had a short talk about not allowing oneself to never have personal time. I have done the best I an to make sure that she has her own space in the house we live in, which is a one-bedroom. I have begun to create her art space out in one of the sheds. So far it is looking great. But, what about my personal space? I'm a strong individual, but there are times when even I need to have space to be alone to cry in peace and cleanse my soul. Even the strongest of people need that time to themselves. Who do the strong lean on in their time of need?
Right now my shoulder to cry on has been Falcon. If it weren't for him and his nonjudgmental nature, I would have crumbled or probably been arrested by now. He never made me feel bad or told me that I should have known better (even though I know I should have known better) and he has always been on my side. He's just that kind of man. I am very fortunate to have him in my life.
So, knowing that all things pass in time, I have done what I can to fix the issues, and I have to move on from here. I am not going to ask what else could go wrong because the Universe would certainly let me know!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
School, Health and Halloween
Well, Raven is in school and the first week was interesting. We tried very hard to get some sort of routine going, but with my work schedule it just isn't possible to get anything concrete. I will be very glad when school is over for me and I am able to get a more regular job, even if that job requires me to work graveyard shift. At least it will be something more stable. At least, that is the hope. But, I can say that she is finally able to get to and from school without help.
I could not do much of this without Falcon's help. He has been there for me whenever I have needed him. Whether it be an ear for me to vent to, or a body to wrap weary arms around, or to help me smile with his silly jokes. He and Raven get along really well, and even though I suspect that she tries his patience once in a while, they have really started to bond a little. At least, that is what it looks like to me.
I am so close to finishing this degree that I can almost taste it. Only two more terms after this one, and I will be so very ready to not have to do homework everyday. I am grateful for a week's break between the current and next term. My work schedule has also tripled as of this week, at least for the next three weeks, so getting everything done, spending time with Raven AND having some personal time is going to be difficult. Falcon has got to be one of the most patient men I have ever known, and he has had to remind me occasionally of where my priorities actually lay and that he cannot be at the top of the list no matter how much I want him to be, right after Raven, of course.
Health has to come first. So far, I have been able to maintain somewhat free of colds and such. I usually get really sick at least once per year. I hope not to this year. Next comes Raven. And then comes homework. THEN comes Falcon. Well, yeah. That seems kind of harsh, but as long as everyone/thing on the list gets their turn, then I'm good with that. Raven has also been very understanding about homework and such that I have to get done before we can spend time together.
I will say that I have been putting some things off until the next day in order to spend more time with my family. On Friday night Falcon took Raven and I to the Reno Ace's ballgame and we watched them beat the Vegas 51s. It was a good game. I hadn't been to an Ace's game for several years. Not since I lived here last time and the park was not downtown at that point. I had a really great time, but of course came home to a mound of homework that didn't get finished. It doesn't matter to me. I need to try to keep balance in order. I fear that the balance is going to become unbalanced this coming week.
Work has been going well even if it has been slower for me. I told my boss that I am not willing to work nights or weekends because I am not willing to pay for daycare for this job. It is so chaotic that working at night would mean high daycare fees and I don't even want to get started with weekend rates! So, for me the hours have been sparse, which is good for getting homework done, but not so much so for the pocketbook. Lame, isn't it? We work like dogs to make money, but don't have the time to spend it. Or we have lots of time on our hands and no money to spend.
I do have my favorite holiday coming up soon. Halloween. For most of the nation it isn't considered a "holiday", but for me it's also Nevada Day. I remember getting October 31st off every year from school because it's the day Nevada became a state. I guess the powers that be have decided to mutilate this day into a three-day weekend like Labor Day (Why the heck do we celebrate that anyway?) or Memorial Day. But otherwise, it's the most awesome time of the year. Get dressed up, take Raven trick-or-treating. Remember ancestors who have passed on. It is Day of the Dead time after all. When I lived in Reno last time, we threw a huge Halloween party. I live on that same property, and I am considering having another party. Who knows, though. We'll see.
My birthday was on the 29th. It was a decent day. I went to karaoke with Falcon which was nice. I don't usually celebrate my birthday, but when I do, it's usually going out to sing. I think next year I am going to throw a huge party, though. It's a milestone birthday, and I want it to be excessively awesome. Falcon's birthday is coming up in less than a week. I want to do something really awesome for him, but the thing I wanted to do isn't going to happen because I have to work on the night that it was going to happen. Soooo... I don't know what's going to go down now. He doesn't really like big parties, and he doesn't like surprises, but neither of that is going to stop me from attempting to do something sweet.
I suppose that is it for now.
::endtransmission::
I could not do much of this without Falcon's help. He has been there for me whenever I have needed him. Whether it be an ear for me to vent to, or a body to wrap weary arms around, or to help me smile with his silly jokes. He and Raven get along really well, and even though I suspect that she tries his patience once in a while, they have really started to bond a little. At least, that is what it looks like to me. 
Health has to come first. So far, I have been able to maintain somewhat free of colds and such. I usually get really sick at least once per year. I hope not to this year. Next comes Raven. And then comes homework. THEN comes Falcon. Well, yeah. That seems kind of harsh, but as long as everyone/thing on the list gets their turn, then I'm good with that. Raven has also been very understanding about homework and such that I have to get done before we can spend time together.
I will say that I have been putting some things off until the next day in order to spend more time with my family. On Friday night Falcon took Raven and I to the Reno Ace's ballgame and we watched them beat the Vegas 51s. It was a good game. I hadn't been to an Ace's game for several years. Not since I lived here last time and the park was not downtown at that point. I had a really great time, but of course came home to a mound of homework that didn't get finished. It doesn't matter to me. I need to try to keep balance in order. I fear that the balance is going to become unbalanced this coming week.
Work has been going well even if it has been slower for me. I told my boss that I am not willing to work nights or weekends because I am not willing to pay for daycare for this job. It is so chaotic that working at night would mean high daycare fees and I don't even want to get started with weekend rates! So, for me the hours have been sparse, which is good for getting homework done, but not so much so for the pocketbook. Lame, isn't it? We work like dogs to make money, but don't have the time to spend it. Or we have lots of time on our hands and no money to spend.
My birthday was on the 29th. It was a decent day. I went to karaoke with Falcon which was nice. I don't usually celebrate my birthday, but when I do, it's usually going out to sing. I think next year I am going to throw a huge party, though. It's a milestone birthday, and I want it to be excessively awesome. Falcon's birthday is coming up in less than a week. I want to do something really awesome for him, but the thing I wanted to do isn't going to happen because I have to work on the night that it was going to happen. Soooo... I don't know what's going to go down now. He doesn't really like big parties, and he doesn't like surprises, but neither of that is going to stop me from attempting to do something sweet.
I suppose that is it for now.
::endtransmission::
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Raven Comes Back to the Nest!
It's been a mixed emotional first few days. Oh, didn't I mention it? Raven has come home! Went to pick her up over the weekend and so far it has been interesting. She stayed with friends for the last two years while I was getting things put back together. So, we have to get used to each other again. I can be very demanding and at times overly protective and it can be rough on her. I have to remember that she is someone with her own feelings, ideas and dreams and goals. That's not the hard part, but I'm not the most patient mom in the world.
I'm trying, though.
Right now I'm trying to figure out how to juggle work, school and Raven, and while she's not in school, it's been okay, but what about when she starts school? The last thing I want is for her to end up a latchkey kid. She deserves better than that especially since she will be going from a family where she had two siblings to spend time with to going to me where she has no one else to spend afternoons with. Fortunately, my schedule isn't so heavy that I work every day and I don't work weekends or evenings, but still.
I guess I can only do just so much. I've really been freaking out over the last few days. I gotta thank my cousin for getting my head straight..lol....
I just want to be a good mom to Raven. She deserves at least that much.
I'm trying, though.
Right now I'm trying to figure out how to juggle work, school and Raven, and while she's not in school, it's been okay, but what about when she starts school? The last thing I want is for her to end up a latchkey kid. She deserves better than that especially since she will be going from a family where she had two siblings to spend time with to going to me where she has no one else to spend afternoons with. Fortunately, my schedule isn't so heavy that I work every day and I don't work weekends or evenings, but still.
I guess I can only do just so much. I've really been freaking out over the last few days. I gotta thank my cousin for getting my head straight..lol....
I just want to be a good mom to Raven. She deserves at least that much.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Six Months, but Not Really Counting...
So many things have been going on in the last few months that today's writing just happens to coincide with six months after Tom's death. I know I promised that I wouldn't write about him anymore, but I still think about him once in a while and even less frequently, I still cry. But, I have actually moved on and found someone great.
For purposes of this blog, I will refer to him as Falcon. He's such a great man. We met seven weeks ago while singing karaoke. Well, I was singing. I don't think he sang that night. I was sitting at the bar and he and a friend of his sat in the spaces to my left. The details have become a bit blurry, but we started talking and it was so comfortable. We've been together ever since and honestly, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Honestly, I hope it never does.
It is amazing at how much alike the two of them are. They both enjoy the wonderful world of music. They both play drums and have amazingly detailed knowledge of musicians that people just shouldn't know. While Falcon is a phenomenal drummer, he is also a great guitarist. I enjoy listening to him play. I swear that Tom was there in spirit guiding Falcon to that chair that night seven weeks ago. And, if he was there, I will always be grateful. I'm grateful even if it's all in my head.
Falcon has brought out a lot of things that I had buried deep inside. It was amazing how easily we clicked and I was able to talk to him about anything and everything. He was just as open with me and I will tell you that I am very rarely open with anyone about anything. Ultimately, I tell people things on a need to know basis. I'm still that way with most, but with Falcon, I am completely open. I really like that.
We have a lot in common including our passion for music. Although he is more into classic rock (or so it seems), he has been very open to listening to music that I have played for him, and he even likes a lot of it, but that is how open-minded he is. I think that is someone I have really been needing over the last several months. Someone who is okay with the me I really am, with the me that is imperfect and the me that is sometimes chaotic, yet loving.
I love where this is going and I look forward to the next adventures with him....
For purposes of this blog, I will refer to him as Falcon. He's such a great man. We met seven weeks ago while singing karaoke. Well, I was singing. I don't think he sang that night. I was sitting at the bar and he and a friend of his sat in the spaces to my left. The details have become a bit blurry, but we started talking and it was so comfortable. We've been together ever since and honestly, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Honestly, I hope it never does.
It is amazing at how much alike the two of them are. They both enjoy the wonderful world of music. They both play drums and have amazingly detailed knowledge of musicians that people just shouldn't know. While Falcon is a phenomenal drummer, he is also a great guitarist. I enjoy listening to him play. I swear that Tom was there in spirit guiding Falcon to that chair that night seven weeks ago. And, if he was there, I will always be grateful. I'm grateful even if it's all in my head.
Falcon has brought out a lot of things that I had buried deep inside. It was amazing how easily we clicked and I was able to talk to him about anything and everything. He was just as open with me and I will tell you that I am very rarely open with anyone about anything. Ultimately, I tell people things on a need to know basis. I'm still that way with most, but with Falcon, I am completely open. I really like that.
We have a lot in common including our passion for music. Although he is more into classic rock (or so it seems), he has been very open to listening to music that I have played for him, and he even likes a lot of it, but that is how open-minded he is. I think that is someone I have really been needing over the last several months. Someone who is okay with the me I really am, with the me that is imperfect and the me that is sometimes chaotic, yet loving.
I love where this is going and I look forward to the next adventures with him....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)