Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

If at First You Don't Succeed...

... hit it with a sledgehammer until you get it right.

But, seriously, I had to do some reconsidering over the last few days.  I went back to the staffing agency, but they decided that they didn't have anything for me right now.  No worries. I got a call from another agency that was having a job fair today.  I went right down and all I have to do is give them proof of my education, which is no problem, and pass a background check and a drug test and I'm all set.  If all goes well, I'll be working again by next week.

Yes, more warehouse work, but I doubt that it will be half as arduous as the one I worked on Monday.  Ouch!

I'll just be glad to be caught up on all of my stuff, bills, etc.  I know most of us know what it's like to have less than no money.

I've considered looking for work in my career field outside of the state.  I am apprehensive about doing this for a few reasons.  Most of which are selfish, but sometimes that cannot be helped.

Most importantly, if I do look for work outside my state, I wouldn't want to move that far away.  I did find a promising opportunity in Southern California, which would be nice on multiple levels not the least of which would be Raven being physically closer to her dad.  Not that he would care too much about that or make an effort to see her, but who knows.  I'm not inside his head.  But, I don't want to have to uproot Raven AGAIN if it doesn't look good.

Secondly, I would miss Falcon like no one else in the world.  He would go with me.  At least, not right now.  We've talked about this once before, and he was pretty clear that he wasn't going to stand in the way of me getting the career I wanted.  I am not quite sure how to take that.  Does he not really care that much about being with me, or does he live by the old cliche "If you love someone set them free...." etc.  I don't know for sure, but sometimes I don't think he is truly happy.  I'll have to talk to him about it one day.

Thirdly, I'm just scared, plain and simple.  I am afraid of succeeding.  I'm afraid of being successful.  What if I am?  For me, that's a scary thought.

And, right now, I don't have the money to move.  Why am I talking myself out of this?  I should be sending out as many applications/resumes as I can.  I know that most will not all me back simply because I am not local to them. These are entry level jobs I am talking about, so what really do I have to lose?

But, what if one does?  What then?  ARGH! It makes me feel like this sometimes:

I do know that I really need to touch up on my phone interviewing skills.  They suck like a Hoover vacuum cleaner right now. 

Otherwise, I believe I am over most of the depression and sadness for the time being.  When I get this way, I usually get my hair cut.  I need to do that again.  I had an appointment a few weekends ago, but couldn't keep it due to a personal emergency.  I really need to reschedule.  Especially before Raven goes back to school. She was also scheduled to get her hair done.  She wants it short.  So do I. 

Well for now I believe I will just keep on the path that I'm on.  Get caught up and start saving money for a possible move.  If I'm not moving out of state anytime soon for a career, then at the very least I'll be saving to move somewhere in town that is bigger than a one-bedroom.  Raven is really starting to ask when we are getting a bigger place so that she can have her own room.  I've been asking myself that same question.  I really want a room to myself so that I can just stay up reading or talking on the phone or whatever.  And, she needs some space of her own.

Wow, that really got off topic.  Sometimes, the best conversations I have are inside my own head.  I was just thinking earlier today about soylent green.  I was wondering where the heck it came from, etc, and Falcon is really knowledgeable about such things.  I asked him and he gave me the lowdown.  Ick... But, there it is.  I really need to watch that movie.  Well, one of these days....

Yeah... my mind wanders to some really interesting places....

I believe I did warn you guys up front, though, right?

Looking Up and Seeing....

Well, the other night was a Blue Moon.  It was also a Harvest Moon, if I read correctly.  Some really take astrology stuff very seriously. I am not one of those, although, sometimes there are things to coincidental that it is difficult not to take it more seriously.  I am wondering if part of the depression had to do with the stars. Doubtful.  More likely it had something to do with my monthly cycle, the fact that I hadn't found a full-time job, or that Raven has become increasingly more interesting to deal with.  (She's almost ten and starting to assert that independence that most children start exploring with at that age.)

Or perhaps the depression goes a lot deeper than that.  Once, I tried to seek help, but without having insurance or a massive amount of money, I was forced to seek help from interns at a clinic in Boise.  The trouble with that was that the intern that I was seeing was only going to be there for a few more weeks and then I would start seeing some other intern.  I guess I didn't want to get frustrated by having to continually reexplain my issues every few months to someone new. 

So, I have been dealing with these issues on my own my entire adult life.  Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I have horrible days.  I guess that is a part of being human.  We all have days like that. 

I haven't quite found the job that I want, but I was able to get full-time work in a warehouse.  Reno is full of them.  There never seems to be a shortage of warehouse jobs.  I went to a staffing agency, which for me is sometimes better because I really don't interview very well in the real world. 

The first assignment is only about six weeks, but that's better than the sporadic hours I have with my current job.  I actually kept my current job in case the warehouse doesn't work out as well as I had hoped, and will keep it even if it does and work it a few nights a week.  With Raven starting school in just over a week, it will be really nice to have a job that keeps me able to get her to school in the mornings and still have time to pick her up from the Boys and Girls Club before they close. 

Getting out of the financial hell I've gotten myself into is important and I believe will help me get out of that part of the depression.  It will take a few weeks, but once I'm out, I plan on staying out.  Isn't that always the goal?

So, on my own anti-depression plan, I take things one day at at time and try not to be so hard on myself.  Self-forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to achieve.  Because I'm so hard on myself.  If I don't be, no one else would.  I'm also trying to verbalize things I am thankful for.




They include:
Waking up alive this morning
A boyfriend, that while not romantic in any way, shape, or form, is still there for me, even if I can't really talk to him about some things. And, the fact that he is always willing to help me with Raven.  He's been more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was.
Raven, who while difficult, is still a great girl, and is growing up to be an awesome young lady.
My old job and my new job. 
The roof over my head and the food on the table

This isn't helping....

God, I wish I had someone to talk to......

Is There Any Hope Out There?

Don't let the smile on my face fool you.  It is there to prevent people from asking the age old question, "Are you okay?" 

No, I'm not okay.  I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now.  I don't think that I will ever be "okay".  But, I'm not leaving, either.  You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it.  Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am.  She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life. 

Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay.  I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay.  In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.

Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help.  I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now.  I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job.  True.  But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others.  I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential.  I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop.  Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream.  When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill. 

Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed.  The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it.   Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did.  Does post partum depression last this long if not treated? 

I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place.  Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am.  And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you.  I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks.  Apparently, not enough.  I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire.  Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!

The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much.  I'm still in the same state as before.  Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up.  I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to.  They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway.  Few local that I can really go to to talk to.  I move around too much.  Most of my friends are far away.  Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on.  Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on.  I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression.  And, I don't bother him with it.  

God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....

But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying.  But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....

Trail Series: Bitterbrush Trail/Marilyn's Pond

Today's hike took us to a place we didn't expect.  We wanted to hike to Church's Pond, but instead too an accidental wrong turn and ended up at Marilyn's Pond.  It was a beautiful pond, a short hike through the lower part of the Galena Recreational Park.  Even though the hike was short, the incline was rough on my out of shape body.  (Isn't this one reason I started hiking this year anyway?)

Raven and I thought we might double back and hike to Church's Pond, but decided to tackle that on another day.  There are several trails in this park, and we are thinking about tackling each of them.  There are several places to park for the various trail heads, so the possibilities are many. 

I tried to catch as many pictures of the fish in the pond as I could, but even if they didn't come out, the pictures of the pond itself are great.

I recommend the Bitterbrush hike for beginning to intermediate hiking abilities and dogs must be kept on a leash.  We even saw a few people wading in part of the stream.  It was a great day for that!

Pictures are below. For the definitive collection of pictures, please click here!

The trail map that still got us lost.

Galena Creek

Marilyn's Pond (See the fish?)

Raven enjoying the view.

We decided to do the Nature Trail another time.

I hope you are enjoying the Trail Series.  Please feel free to comment or send a message.  I love getting those.

Trail Series - Tahoe Meadows Interpretive Loop Trail

Today I decided that I needed an easier hike than Loch Leven.  And, I still ended up getting wiped out physically.  That's okay because this was beautiful, and easy and even Raven had a great time. 

As you can see from the first sign, this trail is only 1.2 miles long.  It is relatively flat, only a 2.5% grade around the trail.  What I enjoy most about this trail is that it is accessible by strollers and even wheelchairs if one is feeling adventurous.  In fact, there was a lady with a stroller on the trail today.

After walking a short distance, one can choose which way to go on the trail, the easier way, or the not easier way.  Either way you take will get you back to the original place (hence the word LOOP, lol).

Some of the most beautiful places in this country are found right here in Nevada around Lake Tahoe.  They say that pictures are worth a thousand words, so I will let my pictures do the talking for me.  Raven is a ham when it comes to the camera, so without further ado:

Tahoe Meadows Interpretive Loop Trail:

This map gives other alternatives to the trail.

With all the rain last week, there was
actually some water in the runoff creeks.

Raven wanted to be in most of the pictures

The meadow looks amazing after a rainstorm.

My superstar on the bridge.

Gorgeous flowers everywhere.

These signs were along the trail and gave valuable
information about the habitat and animals that live there.

A beautiful view of the meadow.

I'm always down to take pictures of
critters that will pose for me.

A very small, but interesting
waterfall along the trail.

I definitely recommend this trail to everyone, no matter what their skill level.

For those who wish to view all of the photos taken today, you can visit them here.

A Bad Place is Like a Cage...

... that is hard to break out of.

For me, this has been on of the most terrible weeks on record.  And sure, there have been other individual events that have had an even greater impact on my mind and soul, and even my body, but as far as overall mental state goes, this has been a fairly tough one. 

I got sent home from an event earlier in the week because of too much outward venting of frustration.  I don't know the extent of the damage that the episode caused, but I'm sure I'll find out when I talk to my boss, who said today that she will talk to me along with a few other things that I've been doing wrong as of late.  No one likes to be told that what they are doing is wrong, but it is a learning situation, after all. 

The thing is, that I already know that being sent home for attitude was a silly thing to have happen.  I have many excuses as to why that was the case, but none of them are valid because I made the choice not to shut up about the situation.  The sad thing is that in nearly three years of working with this company, I have NEVER been sent home from an event due to attitude.  That's the kicker. Just what was I thinking anyway.  I've spend the last few days condemning myself and I even had nightmares of a related sort because of this.  I am hoping that after writing this and talking to my boss, that I can file it away under lessons learned and not dwell too much on it anymore.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am capable of shaming myself far worse than anyone else.  And, I am rather hard on myself.

In addition to this travesty, I held some training in a place that it apparently wasn't allowed, but how was I supposed to know?  I even asked, and was given the okay, but apparently I angered the building owner to the point of her coming and screaming at my boss.  Now the boss is talking about rearranging the office to facilitate training space within the office.  I am not quite sure why I am so upset about this other than my boss being yelled at. 

I do have a few things to be grateful for, though.  It was payday today, and I was able to get my local account finally in order.  That whole fiasco was more depressing that anything else.  Watching over three hundred dollars go down the drain because of the alternator that I had to replace a month ago.  How the heck does the bank sleep at night anyway, charging $8 a day for one overdraft charge anyway.  Anyway, that's finally done and over with and I've made appropriate changes to the account to ensure that doesn't happen again.  That's one nightmare I don't intend to have again.

I was able to pay at least half of my current bills today, which have also been plaguing me lately.  At least I haven't gotten any disconnect notices, but it is still upsetting and frustrating that I can't stay on top of the most basic bills.  Which is why I have been devoted to finding a new job. 

Please don't get me wrong.  I do enjoy my current job, but with the hours being so sporadic, it is difficult to create a stable budget and such.  I would rather have a job where it was routine and predictable rather than sporadic and unstable. I would also like to have a job that isn't so hard on my body. 

It's been raining a lot this week, which has prevented me from going hiking.  I enjoy hiking and getting closer to nature.  I know how much my area needs the water, so I am ecstatic that Mother Nature is finally being more generous with the rain, but along with the rain comes inadvertent sadness.  I don't quite understand why the rain brings such emotions, but it does.  Making that choice to stay happy during a rain storm is difficult for me.  It is probably because movies have conditioned us to feel sad when it rains.  How many movies have funeral scenes or other sad scenes that take place during rainy weather?  A lot that I can think of.  Okay, that's a stretch, and it's my choice to feel sad, but sometimes, that's the only choice to make.

The sadness really feels like a cage that I am having difficulty breaking out of.  There are many locks on this cage, and they all require different keys.  It's as if I have all of the keys, but cannot figure out which locks the different keys go to.  Is there a map or a code or cheat sheet or something?  Am I missing something vital? I feel like it's something. 

I have a great relationship with Falcon.  It is true that it isn't perfect, but what relationship is?  We've never argued, but I can sense the unhappiness sometimes.  Or perhaps I am just deflecting.  I won't say that I'm always happy, but then, it isn't his job to bring me happiness all the time, right?

Raven frustrates me more often than not, but she's also getting to that stage where nothing I say actually sinks in.  I'm sure that it's only a phase, but just how long it will last, who knows.  She's a great kid, though.  She made my bed the other day, and it was such a great job. 

My dad helped me with a major issue that my car was having.  The mechanics did a wonderful job.  (Which reminds me, I really should write a review in my other blog about them.)  I haven't had any issues with the power steering since the replaced the hose.  I am grateful for that.  I do feel bad that he had to help me with this, though.  I should be able to take care of that myself.

I hate that I am way too dependent on others for simple things.  Well, some things not so simple, but still, I should be able to get through this life on my own.  I'm supposed to be some sort of independent female, but it seems like I'm always needing help with this or that, like gas for the car.  (Thanks for being there for me, Falcon.) 

I'm sure that some people will read this and think that there are people out there with bigger problems than this.  Of course there are.  I know that, but I don't care about other people's problems.  I care about mine.  I don't live others' lives.  They don't live mine, either.  So, it doesn't really matter what others are going through.  It has no impact on my life.

I wish I had the money for a therapist.  I don't.  So, I'm just going to have to work out these feelings alone.  I must, for the sake of sanity, figure out which keys go to which locks.  Eventually, I know that the cage will open and I will be free.

Introducing the Trail Series! LOCH LEVEN

I've been wanting to go for a while on a hike somewhere.  I did a search online to find out where some of the trail heads are around the area.  I found a page that listed several trails that claimed to be around Lake Tahoe.  I live very near there, so the trip wouldn't have been bad.  Instead, I chose a trail head that was on that list, but was nowhere near Tahoe.  Okay, I can forgive the misinformation about the location, and I can even forgive the terribly vague directions on where the trail head actually started.

What I can't forgive was the misinformation about the difficulty of the trail.  This trail was listed in a top ten trails for easy trails.  NO.  This trail was difficult for a beginner, which I am not.  I'm more of an intermediate hiker, and a bit out of shape, but I would not recommend this trail for a beginner.  With that in mind, I give you:

Loch Leven Trail (Located in Big Bend) Exit on the Big Bend Exit and go south and follow the road past the Lodge.  There is a gravel parking lot on the north side of the road with a restroom facility.  The trail head is across the street.  It is easy to miss (well, it was for me) so here is a picture of the trail marker. 

I'm no expert on hiking, so I can't give you any specifics on how much of a climb this trail is, but it goes up the side of a mountain, so, yeah, the climb is rough in spots.  I was literally rock climbing at one point!  That was a challenge for sure, but I made it through. 

I am sad to say that I didn't make it to the lakes where the real views are supposed to be.  I did make it to the pond area, which was beautiful in its own right.  It was shaded and had plenty of rocks to sit on.  (Hey, what can I say?  I look for practicality when hiking.)

And for those who say that I shouldn't go hiking alone, perhaps you are right, but it isn't as though there wasn't anyone around.  I ran into about half a dozen hikers along the way.  Most of them passed me by rather quickly.  No worries about that.  I'll get there one day. But, I was perfectly safe.  

There were several stacked rocks that acted as trail markers.  There were times that if I hadn't seen them, I might have gone off the trail.  Actually, I did end up off the trail toward the end and found myself on the road a bit.  Slightly off course, but no worries there.

 I remember the days when I used to take Raven hiking.  We lived in Incline Village at that point, and there was always opportunities to go hiking.

The only thing I was worried about was the unevenness of the ground.  Those who have know me for a while know that I sprained/broke both of my ankles (my right one twice) all within a year of each incident.  I don't do well over uneven ground, so I had to pay very close attention to the ground.  Especially on the way down.  It was easier going up than it was coming down.  Especially coming down the huge boulders that were in the way of the trail.  I almost lost my footing coming down, and that hurt my ankle a bit, but I made it without too much trouble.

I am looking forward to going on this hike again soon.  I know that I'll get in shape enough to make it to the top where the three lakes are.  Hopefully, when I get there, there will be water in them!  Either way, I know that the views will be beautiful.

Plan Z

So, as of right now, I am going to implement the tertiary plan that I have designed.  This keeps me in my current job, but I'll be able to get more hours and possibly be able to make a halfway decent living wage.  At least, when it is the busy season.  I am not going to stop looking for a job in my field of study or at least something close to it.  Or, at least a job that will be of decent pay. 

I have calculated a potential income of what this tertiary plan would bring, and honestly, it would bring more than working full time at a job that paid less.  Although, to be fair, I would have to work a minimum of 30 hours per week in order for that to be true.  There are weeks when that simply doesn't happen.  Then there are other weeks when there are a lot more hours than anyone can actually handle and still remain healthy and sane.  I need these hours, though, in order to begin paying student loans that are due and try to save money for a bigger place. Raven keeps asking when she's going to get her own room.  It's just not going to happen right now.

Such is the lot I drew for myself when I quit my job at the call center to take this position nearly three years ago.  Wow! Has it been that long already? Almost, but not quite.

Everything seems to be crashing down around me, and not bits at a time, but in whole chunks.  I would have been okay if it not for that alternator going out a few days ago.  But, now my account is severely overdrawn, I'm still not getting any real hours at work.  The hours that I will be getting paid for these past few weeks won't cover the overages in my bank account, so that leaves me with no gas money and no way to pay my water bill, which is already two months overdue.  If I had to choose an image to describe how I feel right now, it would be this:

My tertiary plan better work because if it doesn't... well, I don't want to think about what would happen if it doesn't work.

Please don't think that I am only focusing on the negative.  I am very much aware of all of the wonderful things I have to be thankful for.  Falcon, for instance.  He's been really amazing this past year.  Understanding, generous and kind.  Willing to listen and giving me a shoulder to lean on when I needed it most. 

And, of course Raven, who never seems to be out of ways to bring laughter into my life.  And, Falcon's life.  It is so funny watching them together and hearing him laugh at some of the strange things Raven says sometimes. 

I know that it can't rain all the time.  I look forward to the time when the sun shines once more.....

I Always Have a Plan...

....even if the plan doesn't quite work out the way I want.  I have not given up on the current plan, but I also have a backup just in case.  After that, I am not so sure. 

I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier.  I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing.  So, I haven't tested for that yet.  And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for.  I wonder about that sometimes.  How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?

It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work.  I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work.  And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again?  Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago.  But, it's not. 

And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind.  We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year.  He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do.  We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed.  It's not that far away, after all.  Perhaps I should do that.  Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc.  I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.

There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up.  But, we can't have that.  It's not in my nature.  Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Giving up, that is. 

I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that.  I wish I was more creative.  More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal.  I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc.  I wonder what's wrong with me.  Nothing, they'd say.  Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.
 

God, I'm getting too old for this. 

Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography.   I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while. 

I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......