It's Hard...

The next few entries are probably going to be a bit depressing, but it is how I feel.  I've cried millions of tears and I took this week off of work trying to get my head in order.  I know it will be a process and people go through this everyday. I am surprised that there aren't more suicides committed due to grief.  Because really, I would rather be dead than feel this depressed.  I have spent the last few days in denial, I guess.  There are many emotions that I have never felt before.  There are times when I think he is going to come bursting through the door and give me a really big bear hug and kisses and tell me that his day was great. 

But that's not going to happen.  I understand that, but it is going to be very difficult to accept for a long time. 

I didn't get to say goodbye.  The last thing I said to him before he went into the ICU was that I would call his parents. I don't even know if I told him that I loved him.  "I love you" was not something that I said all the time because I believed that actions spoke louder than words.  He told me he loved me all the time and I knew he meant it.  But, I didn't get to see his body.  He's already been cremated.  I think that is part of why I am having a difficult time accepting this, but oh well.  That's life death.

One of our favorite things to do was sing karaoke.  As often as we could, we would go to various places.  Our favorites were the Cal Neva and the 5 Star Saloon.  I knew it was too soon, but I wanted to feel closer to him, so I decided to go to the 5 Star.  I sang our song ("The Promise" by When in Rome) and managed to get through it without sobbing until the very last word.  In the next rotation I was going to sing "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrissette, which was his favorite song that I sing.  I only got through the first chorus before I completely broke down.  I guess it really was too soon.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to sing that song again.

I'm getting ready to move out of the place that he and I shared, and even though I really dislike this place, it was ours and we shared it.  I have to pack up the rest of his stuff for his parents although I am keeping a few of his favorite shirts.  He was a really big guy and I drown in them, but that's okay.  They surround me with him, and that is the point. I'm also keeping his pillow because it smells like him, and he always smelled really good.  He wore the best cologne.  He was paranoid about his hygiene and wore the best smelling stuff.  I loved to bury my head in his chest in inhale.

I don't want to pack. I don't want to clean. I don't want to work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I barely want to visit friends.  I don't want to listen to music.  I don't want to live.

I would have given anything to trade places with him.