What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up? Who Knows...

I'm frustrated.  Frustrated with my life, with myself.  I know that I have to be patient, but that patience only goes so far.  I look at where I am and think to myself that I should have been so much further than this.  I have a part-time job that is less than that at the moment because heaven forbid that a single mom can get any help with early morning daycare and have their kids to school on time and be to work at a decent hour.  Without early morning care, I do not have the opportunity for the majority of the work that my company does.  And, working night is out of the question on most nights.

So, I am resigned to finding a new job that is more compatible with my life, such that it is.  Don't get me wrong.  I really enjoy the job that I have now.  I even just got a raise a few weeks ago, but if I don't get any hours, the money means nothing.  As of now, I am only scheduled for one day for the next three weeks.  I'm screwed.



I had applied for a job at the beginning of April.  I never heard back after I got the test results back.  Perhaps they found the candidates they were looking for.  I was #19 on the list, after all.  It could be that they will call me soon.  I can't wait forever.  I need to get my life in gear.  I'm not getting any younger.

So, I went on the job hunt again.  I know about the law of averages.  The trouble is that for every two hundred jobs I look at, I might find one that I fit their minimum requirements for.  I really want to put this degree to good use, and so far it has been worthless.  So far.... I am not completely condemning it. 

Speaking of which, I actually thought about going back to school for another degree.  I want to do something with this world.  I looked at several degrees at both TMCC and UNR.  But, who am I kidding?  The degrees that are interesting and fall within my interest require so much science that it isn't even funny.  I barely passed high school biology and had to be taken out of chemistry my senior year.  I ended up in study hall instead.  I guess it was better that than not graduate due to crappy grades.  I'm not a science-minded individual.  And, aren't I a little bit old to be thinking about pursuing another degree that is just going to put me deeper in debt?

But, back to the job hunt.  I did apply for a few jobs today.  Local ones even.  And, I got an email back already saying that I get to take the test for one of them.  Since it is the same company for which I applied in April, I can only assume that it will be a similar test.  I guess this will be the chance to improve upon my score.  Or, perhaps it will be a completely different test.  We can only wait to see.  Either way, I really need to land one of these jobs.  And, I know how it goes.  When I do finally find a job, I will get calls from all of the other places that I applied to.  Thank you, Murphy!

What I do know is that my strengths lay in being the behind-the-scenes person.  Such as on the phones.  I didn't hate my job at Teleperformance, but I also didn't like being yelled at.  I can take a lot, but that last call was just too much.  It isn't something I will ever forget.  I do know that I communicate better when I'm not right in front of someone, such as behind this keyboard for instance.  But, for the most part I know that I can do well in any one of these jobs that I have applied for.  I just need a bit of fortune to get it!

So, wish me luck, if it pleases you.  I could use all the help I can get at this point. 

When There is Nothing I Can Do...

I would never be one to say that I have a lot of friends.  I have many acquaintances, and a smattering of those whom I would truly call a friend.  I mean, we are talking about less than a hand's worth of friends.  The trouble is that I live far away from all of them.  Except Falcon, but for the sake of this blog entry, he is not being considered here.  He's so much closer than just a friend.

One of my friends has told me that I am the one friend with the least amount of drama.  I try to keep it that way.  I try not to bring those around me into my own private hell if I can help it.  I'm not innocent of posting the once-in-a-while rant on Facebook that contains tidbits of drama.  Even here, I am guilty of posting much of my personal life for the world to view. In my real life, I'm a very reserved individual and only tell people things on a need-to-know basis.  Basically, if you don't ask, I won't tell you.

I am not without my fair share of depression and blue feelings.  I'm human, or so it was the last time I was checked.  I tend to deal with depression in my own way, choosing to keep it in until it goes away, and eventually, it does, even if the reasons behind the depression have not actually been resolved.  I simply remember that the world isn't ending and putting an early end to myself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (as the old cliche goes). 

But, most of my friends are not me.  They deal with their feelings in different ways.  Let's say that I have five friends.  3/5 of them are having some pretty heavy issues lately. 

And, there's nothing I can do to help any of them. 

In fact, they each live in different states.  This is what I get for moving around so much.  I get to see some really awesome parts of the country and make some really interesting friends/acquaintances, but when I move, I leave them behind, even if we keep in touch via social media. 

But I can't be there for them.  I can't wrap my arms around them when they need a hug.  I can't give them my shoulder for them to cry on.  I can't offer my ear for them when they just need to vent.  I have to wonder, what the heck kind of friend am I, anyway. 

Not a very good one, I'm afraid.  That doesn't lessen the pain I feel in my soul when they are sad.  Or depressed.  Or scared. Or hurt.

As I write this, I feel as if there is a large chunk of this blog entry missing.  That there was something else I was supposed to say.  I feel like I should apologize for not being there.  I feel like I should be able to do more.  If only I had the money/time to visit. 

Or, perhaps that is just me having an ego attack.  I'm not their only friend.  They have others who are there for them....I would hope, anyway.  I'm not the most important person in anyone's life.  I'm okay with that.

Chances are good that they might not even read this.  I have chatted with them via text, via messaging, via any way possible.  Even if I am not able to be there, I still exist. 

And I still care.

Pincushions and Needles

I briefly eluded to a potential job I might be getting soon.  On April 1st, I took an exam for the county I live in.  I've been waiting with baited breath, so to speak, about the results of this exam. 

Today, I got an answer.

I passed with an 85%.  I had to get above a 70% to pass, so I'm right in the middle of the range.  I ranked at 19, but I'm not quite sure what that means.  There were many who took the test that day, so I am not sure if there are many of us who tied at the 19th rank, or if we each got a unique rank.  If the latter is the case, then I am ranked fairly high.  The only reason that matters is because they take people from the list based on their ranking.  They said that they take people from the list as they are needed and it could be anywhere from six to twenty at a time.  So... I never know.  I could be getting an email soon!  And then, the hard stuff begins.  Interviewing, etc.  Wish me luck!

Well, keep me in your thoughts because I really need this job.  It is a great one with all the perks that one could need.  Great pay.  Great benefits.  The chance to do something great for someone else.  It couldn't be better. 

In other news, I spent some time in my garden today.  I planted a nice purple pincushion plant in the place where a few of the smaller flowers succumbed to the overnight freeze a few days ago.  It looks good, but odd with the other, smaller, flowers around it.  

I have several seeds in various stages of sprouting in my window sill.  I am not going to be transplanting any of them until I know that it isn't going to freeze again.   Live and learn, and that is what Reno weather is all about.  It does plan on being nice for awhile, so perhaps I'll reconsider the transplanting of the seedlings that might be ready.  I have several places to put them.  I don't want to rush anything.

My veggie garden is doing fine, I guess.  Nothing has sprouted yet, but it is still early, I think.  I did put some path lights on the edge because the rocks are really large, and I wouldn't want anyone to trip over them in the dark.  I can't wait to see what it looks like at night.  I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens as far as the sprouting goes. 

One of my watermelon plants didn't fare too well through the freeze and only one cantaloupe seedling managed to weather the freeze and the cucumbers didn't make it, but that's okay.  I'll replant those.  Hopefully, they do something amazing in the coming months. 

That's all for now.

Bring on the Spring.... Again!

I like the fact that we've had more snow up in the mountains in the last week than the entire winter put together (mostly), but come on!  I am tired of the freezing temps down in the valley already.  It has been so cold that my flowers are barely hanging on by a thread.  Sure, I guess that's what happens when one plants so early in the season, but it's April already.  Here I guess one either plants too early, or they plant too late to yield anything decent during harvest time.  No matter. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best.

Took Raven to the preseason Aces game.  For those that don't know, that's the minor league baseball team here in Reno.  They are actually quite good from what I understand.  I have only been to one game last year and I saw them before that several years ago when they were the Reno Astros.  That seems like forever ago. 

Well, the weather has been so cold as of late that I actually pulled out my scarf and my gloves.  I hadn't worn either all winter if you can believe that.  She and I shivered close to each other during the game and we only made it through five innings before we just got too cold to stay.  She and I were both wearing layers under our coats, scarves, and gloves.  At least it was a preseason game and we got the tickets for free from the Boys and Girls Club, so it wasn't a real loss. 

I just wish the weather would warm up enough for me to be outside planting my veggie garden.  You know, the seeds that really don't do well in container boxes because they need room or whatever it is.  My dad came over on Easter Sunday of all times and we rototilled a nice sized area in the front of my yard for a veggie garden.  The garden plot that has been there forever is still good, but it doesn't really get a lot of sun, so he says.  I watched the sun pattern for a while, and it looked fine to me.

Now I have to garden plots, so one will be for things that grow great in rows.  The other one will be for things that grow great in hills.  Watermelon, cantaloupe, and cucumbers I believe will fare well in the less sunned patch.  I could be wrong, but at least they won't take over the veggies! 

So, we'll see what happens...if the weather ever acts properly!

Trudging Along

One would think that after nearly 40 years, one would get used to the feelings.  They are familiar, and they are also horrible.  No one should have to endure them, and most of the time they are forgotten until something or someone brings them up again.  I've tried to get over these feelings, they are horrible. 

I'm still here, and I'll still be enduring these awful, depressing feelings until long after they cease to matter.  I've tried to grow my duck feathers, but this instance is not rolling off my back as easily as the others.  It's harder when it's family that causes it.

But, I refuse to take the coward's way out, even though I really want to sometimes. 

No. I have to keep enduring.  I have to keep making the choices that will keep me on this planet for just a little while longer....

I Already know I'm a Screw-up!

I don't need to be reminded of every time in the last thirty years or more that I have not lived up to you expectations.  You believe that I have spent my life lying to you.  You are misguided.  I have never lied to you.  Not once, about anything.  I'm pretty sure you taught me better than that.

Why have you never once given me any ounce of encouragement?  Why have you never once given me a compliment for something that I have done instead of focusing on things you think I haven't done? It is so very frustrating.  You make me feel like I should never have been born.  Perhaps that would be better than affecting your life so much, as you say mine does.  Heaven forbid that my life (MY life) be such a burden or affect you in a perceived negative way.

Why would you bring up things that happened so long ago just to try to make a point about things you think I'm not doing (even though I am)?  Most of thing time to these things you bring up, you weren't even there for.  You don't know my life.  You never once asked. NOT ONCE!  And, why would I want to relive my early years.  The years I spent being bullied and teased on a daily basis.  Never being taught how to combat those bullies or taunts in a constructive or healthy way, not that anyone ever listened to me about that.  Being told to quit being a baby and just suck it up.  What makes you think I want to relive any of that with you?  Why do you even give a shit after all this time?  It's long since done with and those who bullied probably don't even remember me, so who cares!

You believe that I am not keeping up on our agreement just because you don't see any evidence to the contrary.  Just because I haven't put the hose out doesn't mean that I don't know how to fill up a fucking watering can to ensure that the trees that I talked you into buying and planting survive.  I want to make sure they don't die as much as you.  Don't tell me that I'm not doing my part. What, you were there this morning.  Did you not see the multitude of weeds that I spent the better part of Sunday morning digging up and pulling?  No.  You only see the pile of grass/weeds that I left in the middle of the yard because I ran out of time to remove them and then forgot in the middle of digging up the other plots of dirt that were running rampant with other weeds.  No, you don't see the areas that have been taken care of and cleared.  You only see what was left behind.  You don't see the pots in front of the steps that have been planted with herbs and peppers.  You don't see the seedlings that are already beginning to sprout so that they can be planted in the garden when it is time.  You don't see any of this because you can't imagine that I might actually be doing what I said I would do. And because of the negative things you perceive, you think I am lying about the good things that I have done.  

I suppose that I would probably die of a heart attack if you ever gave me a compliment just once.  Or some encouragement.  Instead of telling me about the possible perks of a job that I have applied for, you could try telling me "good luck" or "I know you can do it".  I have never, not EVER, once heard those words from you.  How much negativity do you think that I can possibly take in my life before I completely shut down?  And when I said that I haven't had the time to look for jobs in places that you have suggested (as if I hadn't already thought of that, but thank you for the ideas), you tell me to make time.  Yeah, well, knowing that I don't have internet at my house with which to surf the almighty internet for these so-called jobs that are local isn't exactly happening.  But, while we are on the subject, I'll write here that I have a job app installed on my smart phone.  You know, that piece of technology that you don't have and probably never will.  I get it. But you don't know that I spend a good piece of time everyday searching out those job boards for jobs in my field of study.  And guess what.  The majority of the good-paying jobs are out-of-state, just like I told you on the phone today. 

And another thing... why the hell would you care about my life choice of being a 'minimalist' as you said.  I have merely said that I don't need a lot of things in order to be happy.  Why does that bug you so much?  As it is,  I feel like I have way too many things as it is.  I don't need things that I'm not going to use.  I don't need things that are just taking up space.  Actually, I don't need my emotions to be crowded like this, either.  I have never wanted to live so far away from you as I do now.

And by the way, I haven't asked you for anything in YEARS.  You are the one who offered what you offered after Tom died.  You didn't have to do that.  I would have been fine.  I always find a way to make it some way or another.  Someone else in the family is always amazed at how I manage to make something out of nothing.  And that isn't to say that I do not appreciate what you have done for me in my life.  But that help always seemed to come with strings attached.  And, I'm not talking about our current agreement.  What I'm ranting about has nothing to do with that.  You have been hanging past help over my head for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

And then you try to make our conversation lighter by further demeaning my life?  Does that really make you feel better?  Sheesh, I'm crying on the other end of this phone because I haven't felt this low in a very long time.  Does that make you feel better?  Just because I don't care what other people think doesn't mean I don't care what you think.  Those people that matter comprise a very short list, and unfortunately, you are on it.  And you wonder why I moved out of state six years or so ago.

Why is it that you simply cannot let me live my life the way I think is best for me?  Sure, it is not the way you think I should live, but so the hell what?!  You aren't the single mom doing the best she can.  You aren't the one who made these decisions.  You aren't the one who has to live with the choices I've made.  Guess what?  No one asked you to, either.  There's a reason why I have never come to you with life problems in several years.  Because there has never been an interest by you.  You give the appearance of someone who simply doesn't want to hear about my life.  Oh, I know you care, at least to the point of caring about why I haven't lived my life the way you want.  You never ask what's going on with me.  It seems like the only time you ever call is to degrade or belittle me with something that you think I haven't been doing or think I need to be doing.  I'm so tired of having those conversations.  We have VERY different points-of-view on life and that's fine, but you do NOT need to try to push you way of life onto me. 

We will forever clash, so I know it is going to be best to sever ties as soon as I am able to move on with life.  You know of which I speak.  Heck, you probably aren't even reading this, and that's okay.  I write this because writing things out is therapeutic for me.  Even hours later I am still so very upset and crying because of the words you said to me earlier.  Perhaps I will send you a letter telling you exactly how I feel.  I know I could never get it out without crying and getting upset, so I'll let you read every word, being clear and concise. 

Some who might read this might think that I am so ungrateful for the things you have done.  Without you I would not have been able to get the car I still drive, even though it is quickly falling apart due to age.  Not due to neglect as you might think.  Did you even notice that I had the windshield replaced?  Do you even know that I had to have $1200 worth of work on it in order to be able to keep driving it?  No, because you don't ask.  But you'll ask me if I've had the oil changed.  Or insist that you take a look at it when I come to visit.  As if I don't know how to make sure to keep it going.  And yes, I know how to change my own freaking oil.  But you are who you are, so I let you continue being you because I would never have you any other way.

No, actually, that isn't quite true.  I would ask that you stop trying to force your way of life on me.  I know I'm the family screw-up, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it.  That doesn't mean that I'm not working very hard in order to make something better for myself and for Raven.  But that also means that I'm going to do that on my own terms, not yours.  So as much as I appreciate what you have done and are doing, please don't think that just because of this that you can dictate the terms of my life. I'm certainly old enough to own my mistakes and learn from them.  Doesn't matter how many times I have to make them.  They will always be mine to make. 

Just remember this.  I haven't asked you for anything since the last time when you told me it would be the last time you would help me.  You are not the one I go to when I need support, either mentally or emotionally.  I have not asked for money from anyone since that time and neither have I asked for anything else of any kind.  I've found other ways, for instance taking out a title loan on my car once.  You weren't there for that.  You never even knew about that.  It wasn't your business.  Suffice it to say that you are not the one I run to when I have issues.  You aren't the one who has earned my trust enough to to go.  You are not the one that I believe has earned the right to hear my woes, my worries or anything else in my life because I believe that you will just turn it around on me and make whatever I am going through all my fault.  Which, as much as it might be, I also know that you will never give me any encouragement of any kind.  Well, I don't need it from you.  I've lived without it for this long, might as well not start now.

People reading this might think that this is a really harsh blog entry, and though it might be, just like you this morning, I feel like I need to get this out of my mind and out into the open.  Perhaps not in so much an open forum as this, but then, I've kept the specific nature of who you are out of the writing and only family will know who you really are, strangers will not.

The sucky thing is that I do not feel much better after taking a few hours to write this than I did when I ended the phone call.

I've never felt so much like killing myself as I do now.....

One Year Has Just Flown By

Today it has been one year since Titan left this Earth.  It hardly seems like that much time has gone by.  In that time I have shed many tears for his passing.  I have finished my college education even though it looked like that for a time it might not happen.  I have met someone new and have developed a very loving, caring relationship with this person I lovingly refer to as Falcon. Raven has come back to live with me and is doing well.  Yes, there have been many things happen in this past year.

Some might say that I did not mourn Titan's death long enough or strong enough and how could I just move on like that after losing someone I had known practically my whole life?  Well, as a friend told me just today, people mourn in their own ways.  And that is true.  I think about Titan everyday.  I have his picture and his ashes on the top shelf of the bookcase.  I think about the times we did have together both last year and when we were younger.  He and I palled around during the Washington D.C. trip after our 8th grade year.  That was a very fun time that I will never forget. 

I remember dinners at his house, and the time he first started learning to play the drums.  He became quite good at it over the years and I am sad to say that I never got to see his band play.  I remember the times we went to sing karaoke and how much I miss hearing his voice singing Elvis or Stray Cats.  I think about how hard it was to sing his favorite songs just after he passed.  I can sing them now, but I still think about him every time I do. 

I found a folder of pictures on my computer a few weeks ago that I had set aside for his parents.  I did forward those to them, but forgot that they were there.  I looked through them and of course tears began to fall. 

Yesterday would have been his 40th birthday.  How awful is it not to be able to celebrate his birthday knowing that the next day was his death. 

I should probably send his parents an email or something.  Perhaps bring flowers to their house.  I don't know what etiquette dictates in situations like this.  Perhaps I will look it up online.  The almighty Google should unearth the answers I seek.

 Either way, today is a day unlike any other except for a deeper sense of memorium for Titan.  I miss him everyday.

In loving memory,

January 12th, 1975 - January 13th, 2014

Cupcakes and Career Hunting

I tried to post a test blog from my phone, but it sent it to the wrong blog section.  I haven't written anything in my Random Library Findings in a while, so I don't quite know why the writing went there.  Oh well. I deleted it and decided to write from the source, or my computer, as it were.  It's okay.  I like the ability to edit etc. from here anyway.

Raven has been on Winter Break for the last THREE weeks!  What school tortures their parents like this anyway!  When my friends in other states were saying that their kids were going back to school this past week I was very jealous.  Money has been tight to say the least, so we didn't really do much of anything over her break.  I can't wait until she goes back to school.  She is not looking forward to it.  What kid does, really, but she told me flat out "not to mention it".  Oh well. I mentioned it anyway.. lol

Raven and I have been spending a lot of time at Falcon's apartment for various reasons.  Firstly, because he was helping with her daycare while she was on break.  I couldn't afford the money to put her in the Boys and Girls Club over the break which rather broke my heart because I know she loves going there and participating in the various field trips and such.  She also has a lot of friends that attend the club.  She didn't get to spend as much time with her friends over the break as I would have liked, but scheduling conflicts and a mysterious deletion of one of her friend's parents' contacts made that impossible. 

The other reason is that something happened to my hot water heater.  It took my dad several days before the new one he replaced it with finally started working.  It was the strangest thing.  He thinks that there might have been something going on with the breaker.  And go figure, the day after it starts working again, the garbage disposal starts to leak.   I tell you, if it is not one thing, it's another!

I wish I would have thought of this earlier in the break, but I didn't.  I decided that each day or every other day as time allows, Raven is to pick something new that she wants to learn about or how to do and we will research and learn this new thing together.  Even if we don't "master" the subject in a day (who does that anyway!) at least it will get her exposed to something new everyday.  She is the one to pick the subject matter and together we will research and learn it. 

Yesterday she wanted to learn how to make marble cupcakes.  An interesting topic, so I found a recipe online.  I have never made marble cupcakes so this was a new experience for both of us.  Falcon bought the majority of the ingredients so we could embark on this endeavor.  He didn't mind as he got to eat the final product.  Raven and I also made chocolate butter frosting from scratch.  Sure, it might seem like something simple to do, but to a 9-year-old who hasn't done much, it was a really good experience for her.  I think she enjoyed herself.  She certainly had fun spinning the knife in the batter!

In other news, I have finally finished my resume and did a bit of job hunting.  I haven't applied yet as I am waiting for my career adviser to reassess my resume.  He's been helping me to get it ready for sending out.  I did find what seemed like a really good job.  The starting pay is really good and it is an entry level position.  It seemed like something that one gets into in order to advance within the company.  Perfect for someone like me! 

The only drawback that I can see is that this job would take me out of Reno.  I don't mind that so much.  I have moved fifty times in my life, but I finally have a relationship that I don't want to leave behind.  Falcon has been so good to Raven and I and I couldn't bear to not be with him.  We briefly talked about this when we first met.  About the possibility of me leaving.  I don't know how he feels about coming with me if I were to get a good job and have to move.  He's got friends here and a decent job.  I will have to talk with him further.  I really want him to come with me if that time ever comes. 

But, as I haven't applied for the job yet, I don't want to dwell on anything negative for now.  I will cross that bridge when the time comes, but it helps to be prepared.  I can't imagine myself going kayaking without paddles, so to speak.

I've been having a bit of difficulty with my vision as of late.  I believe that I just need to get my glasses updated properly, but the rate at which I get dizzy watching a television or movie screen has been overwhelming.  Falcon bought me Skyrim for Xmas and I can't

play it because I get too dizzy.  He says that it is a common occurrence, but what good is it to try to play when I just feel nauseous all the time?  But as I cannot get that taken care of until I get some extra money, and I won't get extra money until either I can work more hours at my current job or find the aforementioned better job, then I'll just have to wait.  I just hope that I don't get dizzy while I'm driving or something.

Time has flown by and I cannot believe that it has nearly been a year since Titan's passing.  I have been thinking about him a lot as of late.  Those thoughts have brought me to tears and I've had to excuse myself a few times.  I know Falcon knows the reason for the tears, but he is kind not to say anything.  Needless to say, 2014 had its horrible points, but also it brought some of the best things to my life that I have ever had.  I do hope that 2015 treats me better.  I will be writing something about Titan in the anniversary blog in a few days.  I should probably send an email to his parents to see how they are doing.  My plan was to go singing karaoke and sing Titan's favorite songs including the one that took me months before I could sing again.  I don't know if that will happen or not. 

I suppose that this is enough of a novella for now.  I plan on writing more frequently in 2015.  I have the time for now.  It really helps get things off my chest and out into the open.  I have no idea who reads this although I do know that there are a few who do.  If you are one who reads this please feel free to leave a comment.  Encouraging or otherwise.  It doesn't matter. 

::endtransmission::

It's Been One Week...(I Need a New Hobby)

... and I am having a little bit of trouble getting acclimated to not having to stress about homework everyday.  Or stress over due dates every Sunday.  This is the first Sunday in nearly two years that something hasn't been due (aside from the week breaks here and there).  I don't quite know what to do other than to look for a new job that may or may not keep me in town.  Don't get me wrong. I do have a plan for that, but since I am not doing anything about that until the beginning of the year, it leaves me with a lot of time on my hands that need to be filled with anything but sitting in front of my computer screen watching Netflix all day.  (I will say that I am loving The Originals and Vampire Diaries, though.)

The holidays are usually a time of being happy and cheerful and all of that stuff.  This year I am having rather mixed feelings.  It is the first year in two years that Raven is home, and I am so happy about that.  We bought a live tree for twenty bucks and decorated it with minimal ornaments.  We've made dozens of cookies and other treats.  Raven's birthday was earlier this month, so there were many treats baked for that as well.  She had a slumber party which was a lot of fun. I should have stocked up on Advil.

I have the best boyfriend in the world.  Falcon is one of the most amazing men that I have ever known.  Those that know me well know that I do not even believe in the word "man" because true men have been few and far between in my life.  But, he is intelligent, supportive, and as one friend put it, a "keeper".  While I struggle with my own demons, he has been there to be silently supportive throughout those struggles. 

I do have a few things that have been filling my time, such as things for work.  I had also planned on starting work out more, but it seems that I haven't been motivated to do much about that for now...  I need to work on that.  I guess I will have to enter the time on my calendar if I want it to actually get done.

Maybe I will invest in a new sewing machine.  I used to have one, but it was damaged and I have no idea what happened to it after that.  I many patterns that I could try out and I have been wanting a new wardrobe anyway.

Oh well. I know that when I finally get tired of being tired then change will happen.  No one else is going to make those changes for me.

::endtransmission::

8 Days and Counting or My College Education Story

I'm sure that I have written about the fact that I am in school at least once or thrice before.  Well after twenty some years, I will be finally done with school in eight days.  December 14, 2014 is the last day of torture, hell, stressing over missing assignments, researching for what some would consider meaningless papers and missing out on time with my daughter, Raven.  Finally. Over.

It has been a very long road that began right after high school in 1993.  I began this journey at Lassen College in Susanville, Ca.  I played softball for their team while I knocked out some core classes.  That year was okay, but I decided that I would give school a break.  Well, I gave it a break for a lot longer than I had intended. 

I tried to go back for a short stint at American River College in Sacramento, Ca, but that lasted less than a semester.  I don't recall why I gave up on that, but I suspect it had something to do with being pregnant with my son. 

It wasn't until 2003 (if memory serves, which sometimes it doesn't) that I went back to school again for real.  I was studying Audio Engineering as Sacramento City College.  I was doing very well.  Things happened and so I moved back to Reno thinking that I could finish this degree at one of the colleges there.  I couldn't, so I gave up for many more years.

Then Raven was born.  I decided that I needed to go back to school.  I signed up for Kaplan University and was in their Bachelor's program for Business.  The strange thing was that none of my previous credits transferred to that school.  Oh well.  I took several classes over again.  I was in that program for two years.  Raven was at the hand of neglect for a while when I was on my own because school was taking over.  I decided it was time to drop out.

And then a year-and-a-half ago I was encouraged by a friend in Boise to go back to school.  I researched programs that I thought I would like.  I didn't want to go back into business because I knew that wasn't for me.  My first choice was Forestry, which I would still like to learn, but at the time I didn't want to move to a campus that was five hours or so outside of Boise.  I decided to pursue the current degree I am working on, Bachelor's of Science in Criminal Justice with an Emphasis on Case Management and Corrections from American InterContinental University Online.  Happily, yet strangely enough, 65.5 credits from the three previous colleges transferred to this school.  Makes me wonder why those credits from the two junior colleges didn't transfer to Kaplan.  AIU and Kaplan are accredited by the same people.  It didn't matter.  As long as I didn't have to take math or English again. ;)

Raven had since come back to live with me this past July, and I knew that she would spend many hours alone while I studied.  I have done the best I could to ensure that she understood why I was always on my computer and not spending time with her.  For the most part, she understood and has had a cheery disposition about it.  She is excited, needless to say, about the fact that Mommy won't have to do anymore homework after next weekend. I am looking forward to making up for lost time, if that is even possible.  It isn't as though we have not spent any time together, but I know that I will be able to spend more, and that makes this whole thing worth it. 

I also have to give my thanks to Falcon.  Without him, I would be spending a lot more time in the library using their internet and leaving Raven to her own devices there.  That wasn't something that I was prepared to do.  He has been instrumental in ensuring that she hasn't gone neglected during my times of study over at his place.  He has really taken us both in.  We have spent numerous nights at his apartment so that I could wake up early and get homework started or finished, sometimes both.  He has been supportive in my desire to finish school once and for all.  Without his support and the support of friends from Boise and from my parents, I would not have been able to finish.

Honestly, I know that college isn't the end of learning.  It isn't the end of researching or of study.  If one decides that they have learned all they can or need, then what is the point of continuing to live?  Life is about new experiences and of new challenges.  Who knows?  Perhaps one day I will go back to school and study forestry as I wanted to in the first place. 

I had given up many times.  I shouldn't have.  If I could give any advice to anyone in school it would be to never give up, no matter how hard it gets.  Or:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe