Birds of a Feather...

Last night was very warm and for the first time this season I slept with my windows open. I enjoy the warm breeze in the evening that comes to clear my house of negative energy replacing it with the energies of the earth around me. And the earth surrounding me is very peaceful indeed.

I awoke this morning to the sounds of birds chirping and they were so loud that they sounded like they were right outside my window. As it turns out, they were. There was one ordinary bird attempting to build a nest under the awning over my bedroom window.

I quietly watched him for several minutes being careful not to make any noise to scare him away. I watched as the twig he carefully laid down fell to the ground. Unperturbed by this, I watched as he flew down, picked it up and brought it back to the very shallow ledge upon which he was trying to start his nest.

I watched again as the twig fell back down to the ground. Still not bothered by this, I observed this determined winged friend fly back down and attempt to reset the twig in his new home. For several minutes I watched this bird. And for several minutes this bird attempted to set the same twig.

I decided to quietly go and get my camera so to capture the moment, but my movement scared the poor little thing away. I took a few pictures of his progress and will continue to do so if he decides to go back and finish.

As with anything else, I always try to find the parallels to things such as this in my own life both vanilla and lifestyle. The lesson learned from this determined feathered friend is to never give up...

Even if someone scares you away....

Rome Wasn't Built in a Day...Or Even a Few!

As profound as you think this journal entry might end up being, it really has all to do with my garden and yard.  As those of you who have been following my blog know, I moved into what I lovingly call "The Family House".  It's property that has been in the family since the house was built by my great-grandmother in 1938.  The back house, which I live in, was built some time in the '60s.  It's a great parcel located in a very old part of town just outside downtown.  I've lived here before and also in the front house as well, so I know this yard fairly well.

Over the years tenants have basically destroyed and/or degraded the land, breaking sprinkler heads, letting plants die, that sort of thing.  A long time ago there was a fish pond in the back that had fish in it when I was a kid.  One day that will be restored as well.  Needless to say that the yard needs some serious work, and my dad and I have been working tirelessly to bring it back into splendor.

I came home last week to find that Dad was having some trees felled.  One was right against the front house which was wreaking havoc on the sewage system which is older than the hills.  Tree roots get into things and well, it's just a pain and very expensive to replace, sooo... away it went.  He also had the peach tree cut down.  Most of the branches were dead and not producing anything anyway.  Dad had some second thoughts AFTER it was cut down, but that's okay.  The new trees going in will be a large improvement over the old ones.  And healthier, too!

I've been out to dig holes for the trees, and so far we've gotten the cherry tree planted.  For those who are thinking that I need TWO cherry trees in order to produce cherries, fear not, we got a self-pollinating tree which will produce cherries on its own. The other three trees are a peach, a Gala apple and a Honeycrisp apple.  I tasted a Honeycrisp apple the other day and wow! they taste like sweet tarts.  Yum!  Galas are excellent, too.

So, I was out digging the second hole, for possibly the Gala tree and I hit a huge rock.  The trouble with this yard, and all of the surrounding areas was that they were under the river hundreds of years ago, so there are hundreds of rocks around the yard. Some of them are HUGE and some of them are microscopic. Such examples of the larger rocks are the ones around the fish pond and bamboo. Other examples include the others that line the yard, but suffice it to say that not one single rock was brought in from an outside source. So, the rock that I hit while digging the hole for the tree is probably one of the medium sized ones that we use to line things with. Hopefully I can get it out of the hole.

I got tired of trying to dig the rock out, so I went on to other things.  Like staining the tea house.  Dad built it several years ago after the one that was there previously had degraded to the point of needing replacement. That's the way things go though.  The tea house has certainly seen better days, and it wobbly in some parts, but the nice coat of stain that I have been applying for the last few days is looking really nice.  It won't solve the wobble, but as long as people don't try to sit on the sides, then there's nothing to worry about.  It will look really nice, though.

In addition to trees and staining the tea house, I have set about planting seeds in the seed greenhouse starter kit. Most of the seeds have sprouted and I am looking forward to planting them in various parts of the yard.  This year's list of seeds includes pansies, orange and yellow marigolds, balloon flowers, strawberries, canteloupe, green onions, petunias and a few others that escapes my mind right about now.  They won't be ready to transplant for a few more weeks at least, but when I do, the yard will look a lot better.

My dad likes to cheat a little when it comes to some plants. He bought a flat of strawberries and rototilled a patch to plant them in.  I planted them and the strawberry patch looks good.  The strawberry seeds that I have planted will go elsewhere in the yard.  He also purchased three blackberry plants that I haven't gotten around to planting yet.  The area where they are going needs to be worked over and the plastic under the dirt needs to be moved. Anyway, that area is going to be known as the Berry Patch.  Definitely into berries, my dad.

I have designated an area to be designed as a more "romantic" spot. I have planted beautiful bulbs in a nice pattern.  They are not slated to pop up and bloom until the summer, so hopefully they do. I also have plans to put in a nice wrought iron bench and a lamp of some sort. It will be really pretty once it's done.

Oh, and let's not forget about the grapes.  I planted them a while ago and so far, nothing, but I have faith and they will do something soon.  I have been staining the tea house so that they will have a beautiful place to trellis.  Yeah.. that will be nice!

So, that is just some of the updates as to the goingson  regarding my garden of 2014.  More updates as more things pop up.  Hopefully the yard will get more beautiful as time goes on and all the hard work will pay off.

Weebles Wobble, but They Don't Fall Down!

It's taken a while to get this blog written, but I find myself with time this afternoon, so here goes.

Last week, Raven was here for her spring break.  We had a good time even though I had to work on Monday and Tuesday.  I took her to see Mr. Peabody and Sherman and although I only fell asleep twice, (Raven kept poking me) I thought it could have been better.  I remember the shorts from Rocky and Bullwinkle, and always smiled and laughed at them, but that's what I get for being a kid back then.  I didn't realize that Mr. Peabody thought he knew everything about everything. But whatever.  I'd wait until it came out on Netflix to see it again.

I gave her a choice of other things to do as funds were somewhat limited.  So, she chose to go roller skating.  Oh boy, I thought.  Now, those who might be reading this who know me know that I am a huge fan of Roller Derby and it is on my bucket list to be a Roller Girl.  I believe I have effectively reversed that desire and crossed it off the list. 

Raven and I went to the rink known as Roller Kingdom. (Really guys, you couldn't come up with something a bit more ... unique?)  When I was a kid, my dad took my siblings and I nearly ever Thursday for family night.  That was soooooo long ago.  I think the last time I was on skates was over 20 years ago, and I remember a few things.  And some of those things hasn't changed over time.  Back then, it was known as King's Skate Country.

1. The building interior is almost exactly the same!
    That's right.  There has been very little change to the interior of the place, as I remember it.  Even the floor is the same.  Actually, I thin it's gotten worse.  Hey guys, do us all a favor and replace the surface before we all fall down! Sheeesh!

2. They still play the same lame games!
    Yep, Red Light, Green Light.  Simon Says.  All the games are still the same.  Hey guys, you COULD try changing it up a little bit.  I'm sure that over the last twenty years or so there have been some new skating games invented.

3. The DJs are still as snarky as ever!
    Yep.  The DJs still cheat at pretty much every game and good luck trying to get a request in.  I guess that's what comes from being young and full of themselves.

4. The concession stand still carries ring pops!
    Among other things, the food is still the same as it was when it was King's Skate Country.  At least, from what I remember.  And it's still as expensive as ever.

5. The lighting is as it used to be.
    While there have probably been a few updates to the lighting over the rink, there is still that same star pattern of light bulbs above the center of the rink.  And kids still go to the center of the rink to pretend to be cool.

So, back to the skate night with Raven.  It had been so long since I had been on skates that I had a difficult time even getting across the carpet. I thought I was going to fall down and break an ankle!

Raven is on the left.

After about a half hour of watching Raven skate around the rink I decided I wasn't going to let her show me up.  I timidly went to one of the openings to the rink.  After waiting for an opening, I decided it was time to just get out there and do it.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I made my way into the skating traffic, and after once lap around, I got off the floor.  I guess I'm not as good of shape as I thought.  Okay, who am I kidding?  I'm in horrible shape, but at least I went out there.

Raven saw me skating and gave me a high five as she went around the rink again with a new girl friend.  I was happy that she was having fun.  Eventually, I found my skating legs once more and I believe I ended up going around the rink about nine times total in the span of about two hours.  Yeah, not very much, but I am sure I looked like a wobbly bird going so slowly like one who hasn't learned to fly yet.  Yikes, that's a scary thought.

Proof that I put them on!

By the time I finally got comfortable with skating again, Raven was tired and wanted to go home.  I don't blame her, and I didn't want to overdo it, either.  But, I am going back, tonight in fact, to skate some more.  It's a great workout and good for the legs and the core, especially the way I skate.

Perhaps being a roller girl isn't out of my reach yet after all!

Closure and Making It Through

This will probably be the last blog entry I make regarding Tom.

Today was Tom's funeral service.  It was a short, sweet service.  He has so much family.  I'll be honest and say that I kind of felt out of place because I didn't know very many people there, but it was really nice nonetheless.  Some of his family members got up to tell stories about him.  At the end anyone who wanted to tell memories or a story could do so.  I really wanted to, but I am petrified of public speaking.  Perhaps I should have, but I wasn't really sure what to say.

His mom made a really nice collage of photos of Tom.  Two of them were ones that I had taken of him.  That made me feel really good that she thought they were good enough to use.  His family is so nice and really great. 

I couldn't concentrate on homework tonight so instead I decided to go singing.  I went to the Cal Neva and decided that this would be the night that I would finally get all the way through "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrisette.  It was Tom's favorite song that I sang, and every time I try to sing it, I fall apart. Well, I got up on that stage and tried again.  I'm sure I looked like an overdramatic weirdo up there, but it's the type of song that really gets me into it.  And, I did.  I belted that song with as much emotion as I could without breaking down and I finally got through the whole thing.  I dedicated it to him after I was done and sat back down in my seat.  Then, I broke down in tears and a few minutes later I left the bar.

 It's late and the words are simply not flowing as well as they could be.  More another day I suppose.

Making a Change... Again

It's been a very depressing last several weeks. So much so that I gained back even more weight than when I first started working out last year.  I also cut my hair off.  That's nothing really special or even new. I usually cut my hair after a failed relationship.  (Not that this one failed, but still one that ended.)  But what I'm concerned about is my weight.  I won't say how much I weigh because even I can't believe it, but suffice it to say that I'd like to lose a good 100 pounds. (Hopefully, that will include a massive amount of chest weight that has been giving me some other types of issues lately.

So, I decided to take the plunge and join Curves.  It's a gym geared for women only. I'm sure you've seen the commercials or whatever.  This isn't like any other gym I've ever been in. Quite simply it's a circuit system of 13 machines which takes 30 minutes to go through twice.  The ladies at this place were really nice.  Older women who looked like they have been working on losing weight for a while, but still haven't gotten quite there yet.  It was nice to be in a conversation with someone that didn't look like Barbie.

We went over some of the machines they have.  They don't look very intimidating, but i got on a few and even after a few short seconds of trying them I was wiped out.  I'd hate to see what my first actual session is going to be like.

I also had my measurements taken and my weight and body fat.  I'm totally not listing them here, but it was enough to get me motivated to join that gym right then.  I'm tired of being fat and I'm tired of being tired. 

But, that's not all I'm going to be doing.  I'm also going to get a mountain bike because I really enjoy riding.  There is a nice trail that goes along the river here, much like the Greenbelt of Boise.  I don't think it's as long, but it's just as pretty, if not moreso.  I've been looking today on Craigslist for a bike.  Found a few that look promising, but it's too early on a Sunday to call.. lol...

I still have my Sparkpeople account which helps me track food and exercise.  It also helps me design meals within certain calorie ranges.  It's really nice, so I'm going to continue working with that.  I have a few friends who are helping to encourage me from afar, and that is also nice. 

I feel like I've restarted this weight loss and healthy eating thing so many times in the past. I can't ever seem to stay on track.  As has been said so many times before, this time I am determined to make it happen.  I've given myself a goal of one year to lose 100 pounds.  I know I can do it.  I just need to maintain strength and motivation.  And not get down on myself if I slip up at all.

And that is the hardest part.  Being kind to myself while also balancing being hard on myself.  Because if I'm not hard on myself, no one else will be.

It's Been a Month

Tom died a month ago today.  Although that life goes on, the pain still lingers. I am sure that it is something that will always be there. I tried to sing his favorite song the other night at karaoke, and I almost made all the way through, but ended up breaking down during the last phrase.  I left the bar after that and came home and cried for a while.  I might never be able to sing that song all the way through again.

I have his shelf set up and I still say good morning and good night to his picture.  I suppose that makes me some kind of freak, but I can't help it. I miss him a lot.  There is a part of me that will never forgive myself for his death.  I know. I really need to.  It will take time, perhaps a lot of time.

My home is always quiet. I am always alone while I am there.  I have forced myself to go out and meet new people, make new friends, but even still, I feel empty inside.  I guess that's a choice, but it is the one I am making right now.  I know that my real friends will accept me for that.  I also know that I don't always show how I am feeling on the inside because there is no need to. 

For now, I'll just get through each day one at a time.  And forgive myself eventually.

What Really Matters

It doesn't matter how much I try to smile, I usually end up crying once I'm alone.  I thought that I was at least a little bit okay even over two weeks since Tom's death. It turns out that I'm not okay with it. At all.  I still feel massive guilt over his death, and I'm not sure how to overcome those feelings. 

While I look okay on the outside most of the time, on the inside, I feel like death...empty and void...cold.

I've tried to surround myself with friends and even family at times, but the depression remains.  I don't have the money for counseling so I write.  That seems to help sometimes.  Getting it all out helps to release more tears, but there are other times when I wish I had someone just to talk to.  My friends are there, but it's hard to get the words out.

For now I'll just try to focus on what really matters.  Living each day, one at a time. And if that day brings sadness then try to focus on other things until the sadness goes away.  And, try to take my mind off the fact that the sadness might never go away....

There are days I wish my body was a cold and void as I feel on the inside....

Aftermath

These last few days have been especially rough.  I spent the last three days moving my things from the duplex that Tom and I shared into a house I have lived in before.  I am very grateful for family.  It was really hard to leave the place that he and I shared together, but ultimately I know that this is the best move for me.  By the way, this is move #50 for me in my lifetime.  My mother calls me a gypsy and really, that is how I've lived for the most part.  Moving from here to there and back to here then to there again.  I don't like moving so much, it's just that circumstances in my life have warranted me moving.. a lot. 

The majority of Tom's things went back to his parents.  I only kept a few small things and they are now on the shelf I have dedicated to him.  There is a picture of us, some small bottles of cologne and my drum sticks.  He was an excellent drummer and he always smelled so good!  I plan on getting a few more things for that shelf because there was so much more to him than that.  I'm going to get a mini whisk and a few other things that I haven't decided on yet. 

Although most of my tears have been shed, I still feel myself crying out of the blue.  I know it's perfectly normal, but I can't remain depressed forever. I need to get my emotions in check. I have to get back to doing homework. I have to get back to work, which I'm doing tonight.  Not sure how that's going to turn out, but no matter. I am currently looking for a new job anyway. 

Fish pond that will have fish again one day.

I'm sad, and depressed, but happy to be in the new place.  The old place was simply not big enough even for one person. I was tripping over my own feet there.  The new place isn't as big as some, but way bigger than the old place.  I have plans to refurbish the back yard. It really needs some TLC. I'm also going to replant my garden.  A friend of mine is a permaculturist and she is going to help me get the yard in good condition. I'm also going to try to get the lawn healthy again.  It's going to be a long process, I'm sure.

I go back to work tonight. Not sure how that's going to do, but I can't not work forever.  I just hope I don't get a lot of coworkers asking me how I've been. I've been cruddy, and I'm trying to stay together.  That's how I'm doing.  Now let me get back to work.

No nap for me tonight. Oh well. 

Things I Learned From Tom...

1. Life is too short.

Well, duh.  We all say this, but do we really know what we mean by it?  Some people do amazing things before they are 18, some never do anything noteworthy or it is is, people don't know about it.  It doesn't matter as long as we live life to the fullest everyday.  Life is too short to be sad, depressed, stressed out constantly, or in short... miserable. Set goals.  Work for them.  Achieve them. 



2. Labels mean absolutely nothing. 
Be who you are.  I sometimes worry about "fitting in" in certain situations.  Specifically with this group or that group thinking that they wouldn't respect or like me if I didn't like what they like or dressed how they dress.  We'll take music as an example.  There is so much stigma around loving certain types of music.  For instance, I don't really care for country music very much, but is that?  Oh, it's because I think that my friends will think I'm weird or *gasp* not goth enough if I like country music.  (Just for the record, I gave up being "goth" a long time ago although I still love the music, the style etc...I just don't have time for the drama.)  Tom loved EVERY kind of music.  And when I say everything, I mean everything.  He'd listen to rock one minute then turn right around and flip to an adult contemporary station.  He couldn't answer who his favorite band was because he didn't have one.  He refused to allow people to label him by the kinds of music he listened to or the clothes he wore.  He simply existed as himself.  I admire that.  And, he enjoyed everyone.

3. Be kind to myself.

Sounds like a no-brainer, but in reality, I have a tendency to expect perfection from everything I do. School being a major part of that perfection.  If I get less than perfect, then I really come down on myself rather hard when I really have no reason to do so.  I also need to quit calling myself names and putting myself down so much.  It hurts way more than it motivates.

4. It's okay to cry.

I never like crying in front of anyone because I feel like it makes me look weak or vulnerable and I dislike looking like either.  Tom cried a lot, but I respected his tears.  He was a rather sensitive guy.  He never held back his tears.  I won't hold mine back anymore.


5. Family is the most important thing on the planet.

I grew up in a broken home.  I didn't have it as bad as a lot of other children.  My parents loved me as a kid, and somehow they found the strength to love me as an adult.  Tom's parents are still married.  He has twin sisters whom he
 would do anything for.  I always found it so strange that he would end every phone conversation or visit with them with the words, "I love you".  Actually, it kind of bugged me.  I am the type who rarely says those words because to me they lose their meaning, but to him they never lost their meaning.  I cannot remember if I told him that I loved him on our last phone conversation.  It was rather quick.  But family is important.  I already know this, but there are times when I don't think that my siblings or parents know that I care.  I might not get along with my sister at all, and call her a pain in the ass sometimes, but there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, or my brother.  Or, any member of my family for that matter.  I suppose I should tell them more often that I love them.  Because we only get one set of relatives. 

I'm sure there are more, but those are the most important. 

It's Hard...

The next few entries are probably going to be a bit depressing, but it is how I feel.  I've cried millions of tears and I took this week off of work trying to get my head in order.  I know it will be a process and people go through this everyday. I am surprised that there aren't more suicides committed due to grief.  Because really, I would rather be dead than feel this depressed.  I have spent the last few days in denial, I guess.  There are many emotions that I have never felt before.  There are times when I think he is going to come bursting through the door and give me a really big bear hug and kisses and tell me that his day was great. 

But that's not going to happen.  I understand that, but it is going to be very difficult to accept for a long time. 

I didn't get to say goodbye.  The last thing I said to him before he went into the ICU was that I would call his parents. I don't even know if I told him that I loved him.  "I love you" was not something that I said all the time because I believed that actions spoke louder than words.  He told me he loved me all the time and I knew he meant it.  But, I didn't get to see his body.  He's already been cremated.  I think that is part of why I am having a difficult time accepting this, but oh well.  That's life death.

One of our favorite things to do was sing karaoke.  As often as we could, we would go to various places.  Our favorites were the Cal Neva and the 5 Star Saloon.  I knew it was too soon, but I wanted to feel closer to him, so I decided to go to the 5 Star.  I sang our song ("The Promise" by When in Rome) and managed to get through it without sobbing until the very last word.  In the next rotation I was going to sing "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrissette, which was his favorite song that I sing.  I only got through the first chorus before I completely broke down.  I guess it really was too soon.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to sing that song again.

I'm getting ready to move out of the place that he and I shared, and even though I really dislike this place, it was ours and we shared it.  I have to pack up the rest of his stuff for his parents although I am keeping a few of his favorite shirts.  He was a really big guy and I drown in them, but that's okay.  They surround me with him, and that is the point. I'm also keeping his pillow because it smells like him, and he always smelled really good.  He wore the best cologne.  He was paranoid about his hygiene and wore the best smelling stuff.  I loved to bury my head in his chest in inhale.

I don't want to pack. I don't want to clean. I don't want to work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I barely want to visit friends.  I don't want to listen to music.  I don't want to live.

I would have given anything to trade places with him.