Namaste and Welcome

I see you have chosen well, but be warned that my blog is exactly as it states... ramblings. You won't find this blog overly political, religious or much anything else. I write for me. Well, I write for you, the audience as well, but mainly for me. Would it surprise you to know that I've been keeping a hard diary since 1986? (yeah, I just dated myself.) Well, writing in the book has become painful, so I blog. I have many blogs on other sites, which is why this blog only has a mere few, but do know that I plan on maintaining this blog a bit more. I will probably not post a picture or use real names of any of my friends or family, if the blogs turn to that nature. There, you are forewarned.

Please do subscribe and enjoy the mindless babblings of the one otherwise known as Onyx of Darklite.......

Oh, and hey, would you mind feeding my fish at the bottom of the screen? Thanks!

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Making a Change... Again

It's been a very depressing last several weeks. So much so that I gained back even more weight than when I first started working out last year.  I also cut my hair off.  That's nothing really special or even new. I usually cut my hair after a failed relationship.  (Not that this one failed, but still one that ended.)  But what I'm concerned about is my weight.  I won't say how much I weigh because even I can't believe it, but suffice it to say that I'd like to lose a good 100 pounds. (Hopefully, that will include a massive amount of chest weight that has been giving me some other types of issues lately.

So, I decided to take the plunge and join Curves.  It's a gym geared for women only. I'm sure you've seen the commercials or whatever.  This isn't like any other gym I've ever been in. Quite simply it's a circuit system of 13 machines which takes 30 minutes to go through twice.  The ladies at this place were really nice.  Older women who looked like they have been working on losing weight for a while, but still haven't gotten quite there yet.  It was nice to be in a conversation with someone that didn't look like Barbie.

We went over some of the machines they have.  They don't look very intimidating, but i got on a few and even after a few short seconds of trying them I was wiped out.  I'd hate to see what my first actual session is going to be like.

I also had my measurements taken and my weight and body fat.  I'm totally not listing them here, but it was enough to get me motivated to join that gym right then.  I'm tired of being fat and I'm tired of being tired. 

But, that's not all I'm going to be doing.  I'm also going to get a mountain bike because I really enjoy riding.  There is a nice trail that goes along the river here, much like the Greenbelt of Boise.  I don't think it's as long, but it's just as pretty, if not moreso.  I've been looking today on Craigslist for a bike.  Found a few that look promising, but it's too early on a Sunday to call.. lol...

I still have my Sparkpeople account which helps me track food and exercise.  It also helps me design meals within certain calorie ranges.  It's really nice, so I'm going to continue working with that.  I have a few friends who are helping to encourage me from afar, and that is also nice. 

I feel like I've restarted this weight loss and healthy eating thing so many times in the past. I can't ever seem to stay on track.  As has been said so many times before, this time I am determined to make it happen.  I've given myself a goal of one year to lose 100 pounds.  I know I can do it.  I just need to maintain strength and motivation.  And not get down on myself if I slip up at all.

And that is the hardest part.  Being kind to myself while also balancing being hard on myself.  Because if I'm not hard on myself, no one else will be.


Thursday, February 13, 2014

It's Been a Month

Tom died a month ago today.  Although that life goes on, the pain still lingers. I am sure that it is something that will always be there. I tried to sing his favorite song the other night at karaoke, and I almost made all the way through, but ended up breaking down during the last phrase.  I left the bar after that and came home and cried for a while.  I might never be able to sing that song all the way through again.

I have his shelf set up and I still say good morning and good night to his picture.  I suppose that makes me some kind of freak, but I can't help it. I miss him a lot.  There is a part of me that will never forgive myself for his death.  I know. I really need to.  It will take time, perhaps a lot of time.

My home is always quiet. I am always alone while I am there.  I have forced myself to go out and meet new people, make new friends, but even still, I feel empty inside.  I guess that's a choice, but it is the one I am making right now.  I know that my real friends will accept me for that.  I also know that I don't always show how I am feeling on the inside because there is no need to. 

For now, I'll just get through each day one at a time.  And forgive myself eventually.