Is There Any Hope Out There?

Don't let the smile on my face fool you.  It is there to prevent people from asking the age old question, "Are you okay?" 

No, I'm not okay.  I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now.  I don't think that I will ever be "okay".  But, I'm not leaving, either.  You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it.  Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am.  She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life. 

Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay.  I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay.  In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.

Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help.  I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now.  I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job.  True.  But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others.  I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential.  I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop.  Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream.  When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill. 

Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed.  The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it.   Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did.  Does post partum depression last this long if not treated? 

I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place.  Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am.  And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you.  I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks.  Apparently, not enough.  I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire.  Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!

The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much.  I'm still in the same state as before.  Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up.  I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to.  They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway.  Few local that I can really go to to talk to.  I move around too much.  Most of my friends are far away.  Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on.  Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on.  I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression.  And, I don't bother him with it.  

God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....

But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying.  But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....

Trail Series: Bitterbrush Trail/Marilyn's Pond

Today's hike took us to a place we didn't expect.  We wanted to hike to Church's Pond, but instead too an accidental wrong turn and ended up at Marilyn's Pond.  It was a beautiful pond, a short hike through the lower part of the Galena Recreational Park.  Even though the hike was short, the incline was rough on my out of shape body.  (Isn't this one reason I started hiking this year anyway?)

Raven and I thought we might double back and hike to Church's Pond, but decided to tackle that on another day.  There are several trails in this park, and we are thinking about tackling each of them.  There are several places to park for the various trail heads, so the possibilities are many. 

I tried to catch as many pictures of the fish in the pond as I could, but even if they didn't come out, the pictures of the pond itself are great.

I recommend the Bitterbrush hike for beginning to intermediate hiking abilities and dogs must be kept on a leash.  We even saw a few people wading in part of the stream.  It was a great day for that!

Pictures are below. For the definitive collection of pictures, please click here!

The trail map that still got us lost.

Galena Creek

Marilyn's Pond (See the fish?)

Raven enjoying the view.

We decided to do the Nature Trail another time.

I hope you are enjoying the Trail Series.  Please feel free to comment or send a message.  I love getting those.

Trail Series - Tahoe Meadows Interpretive Loop Trail

Today I decided that I needed an easier hike than Loch Leven.  And, I still ended up getting wiped out physically.  That's okay because this was beautiful, and easy and even Raven had a great time. 

As you can see from the first sign, this trail is only 1.2 miles long.  It is relatively flat, only a 2.5% grade around the trail.  What I enjoy most about this trail is that it is accessible by strollers and even wheelchairs if one is feeling adventurous.  In fact, there was a lady with a stroller on the trail today.

After walking a short distance, one can choose which way to go on the trail, the easier way, or the not easier way.  Either way you take will get you back to the original place (hence the word LOOP, lol).

Some of the most beautiful places in this country are found right here in Nevada around Lake Tahoe.  They say that pictures are worth a thousand words, so I will let my pictures do the talking for me.  Raven is a ham when it comes to the camera, so without further ado:

Tahoe Meadows Interpretive Loop Trail:

This map gives other alternatives to the trail.

With all the rain last week, there was
actually some water in the runoff creeks.

Raven wanted to be in most of the pictures

The meadow looks amazing after a rainstorm.

My superstar on the bridge.

Gorgeous flowers everywhere.

These signs were along the trail and gave valuable
information about the habitat and animals that live there.

A beautiful view of the meadow.

I'm always down to take pictures of
critters that will pose for me.

A very small, but interesting
waterfall along the trail.

I definitely recommend this trail to everyone, no matter what their skill level.

For those who wish to view all of the photos taken today, you can visit them here.

A Bad Place is Like a Cage...

... that is hard to break out of.

For me, this has been on of the most terrible weeks on record.  And sure, there have been other individual events that have had an even greater impact on my mind and soul, and even my body, but as far as overall mental state goes, this has been a fairly tough one. 

I got sent home from an event earlier in the week because of too much outward venting of frustration.  I don't know the extent of the damage that the episode caused, but I'm sure I'll find out when I talk to my boss, who said today that she will talk to me along with a few other things that I've been doing wrong as of late.  No one likes to be told that what they are doing is wrong, but it is a learning situation, after all. 

The thing is, that I already know that being sent home for attitude was a silly thing to have happen.  I have many excuses as to why that was the case, but none of them are valid because I made the choice not to shut up about the situation.  The sad thing is that in nearly three years of working with this company, I have NEVER been sent home from an event due to attitude.  That's the kicker. Just what was I thinking anyway.  I've spend the last few days condemning myself and I even had nightmares of a related sort because of this.  I am hoping that after writing this and talking to my boss, that I can file it away under lessons learned and not dwell too much on it anymore.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am capable of shaming myself far worse than anyone else.  And, I am rather hard on myself.

In addition to this travesty, I held some training in a place that it apparently wasn't allowed, but how was I supposed to know?  I even asked, and was given the okay, but apparently I angered the building owner to the point of her coming and screaming at my boss.  Now the boss is talking about rearranging the office to facilitate training space within the office.  I am not quite sure why I am so upset about this other than my boss being yelled at. 

I do have a few things to be grateful for, though.  It was payday today, and I was able to get my local account finally in order.  That whole fiasco was more depressing that anything else.  Watching over three hundred dollars go down the drain because of the alternator that I had to replace a month ago.  How the heck does the bank sleep at night anyway, charging $8 a day for one overdraft charge anyway.  Anyway, that's finally done and over with and I've made appropriate changes to the account to ensure that doesn't happen again.  That's one nightmare I don't intend to have again.

I was able to pay at least half of my current bills today, which have also been plaguing me lately.  At least I haven't gotten any disconnect notices, but it is still upsetting and frustrating that I can't stay on top of the most basic bills.  Which is why I have been devoted to finding a new job. 

Please don't get me wrong.  I do enjoy my current job, but with the hours being so sporadic, it is difficult to create a stable budget and such.  I would rather have a job where it was routine and predictable rather than sporadic and unstable. I would also like to have a job that isn't so hard on my body. 

It's been raining a lot this week, which has prevented me from going hiking.  I enjoy hiking and getting closer to nature.  I know how much my area needs the water, so I am ecstatic that Mother Nature is finally being more generous with the rain, but along with the rain comes inadvertent sadness.  I don't quite understand why the rain brings such emotions, but it does.  Making that choice to stay happy during a rain storm is difficult for me.  It is probably because movies have conditioned us to feel sad when it rains.  How many movies have funeral scenes or other sad scenes that take place during rainy weather?  A lot that I can think of.  Okay, that's a stretch, and it's my choice to feel sad, but sometimes, that's the only choice to make.

The sadness really feels like a cage that I am having difficulty breaking out of.  There are many locks on this cage, and they all require different keys.  It's as if I have all of the keys, but cannot figure out which locks the different keys go to.  Is there a map or a code or cheat sheet or something?  Am I missing something vital? I feel like it's something. 

I have a great relationship with Falcon.  It is true that it isn't perfect, but what relationship is?  We've never argued, but I can sense the unhappiness sometimes.  Or perhaps I am just deflecting.  I won't say that I'm always happy, but then, it isn't his job to bring me happiness all the time, right?

Raven frustrates me more often than not, but she's also getting to that stage where nothing I say actually sinks in.  I'm sure that it's only a phase, but just how long it will last, who knows.  She's a great kid, though.  She made my bed the other day, and it was such a great job. 

My dad helped me with a major issue that my car was having.  The mechanics did a wonderful job.  (Which reminds me, I really should write a review in my other blog about them.)  I haven't had any issues with the power steering since the replaced the hose.  I am grateful for that.  I do feel bad that he had to help me with this, though.  I should be able to take care of that myself.

I hate that I am way too dependent on others for simple things.  Well, some things not so simple, but still, I should be able to get through this life on my own.  I'm supposed to be some sort of independent female, but it seems like I'm always needing help with this or that, like gas for the car.  (Thanks for being there for me, Falcon.) 

I'm sure that some people will read this and think that there are people out there with bigger problems than this.  Of course there are.  I know that, but I don't care about other people's problems.  I care about mine.  I don't live others' lives.  They don't live mine, either.  So, it doesn't really matter what others are going through.  It has no impact on my life.

I wish I had the money for a therapist.  I don't.  So, I'm just going to have to work out these feelings alone.  I must, for the sake of sanity, figure out which keys go to which locks.  Eventually, I know that the cage will open and I will be free.

Introducing the Trail Series! LOCH LEVEN

I've been wanting to go for a while on a hike somewhere.  I did a search online to find out where some of the trail heads are around the area.  I found a page that listed several trails that claimed to be around Lake Tahoe.  I live very near there, so the trip wouldn't have been bad.  Instead, I chose a trail head that was on that list, but was nowhere near Tahoe.  Okay, I can forgive the misinformation about the location, and I can even forgive the terribly vague directions on where the trail head actually started.

What I can't forgive was the misinformation about the difficulty of the trail.  This trail was listed in a top ten trails for easy trails.  NO.  This trail was difficult for a beginner, which I am not.  I'm more of an intermediate hiker, and a bit out of shape, but I would not recommend this trail for a beginner.  With that in mind, I give you:

Loch Leven Trail (Located in Big Bend) Exit on the Big Bend Exit and go south and follow the road past the Lodge.  There is a gravel parking lot on the north side of the road with a restroom facility.  The trail head is across the street.  It is easy to miss (well, it was for me) so here is a picture of the trail marker. 

I'm no expert on hiking, so I can't give you any specifics on how much of a climb this trail is, but it goes up the side of a mountain, so, yeah, the climb is rough in spots.  I was literally rock climbing at one point!  That was a challenge for sure, but I made it through. 

I am sad to say that I didn't make it to the lakes where the real views are supposed to be.  I did make it to the pond area, which was beautiful in its own right.  It was shaded and had plenty of rocks to sit on.  (Hey, what can I say?  I look for practicality when hiking.)

And for those who say that I shouldn't go hiking alone, perhaps you are right, but it isn't as though there wasn't anyone around.  I ran into about half a dozen hikers along the way.  Most of them passed me by rather quickly.  No worries about that.  I'll get there one day. But, I was perfectly safe.  

There were several stacked rocks that acted as trail markers.  There were times that if I hadn't seen them, I might have gone off the trail.  Actually, I did end up off the trail toward the end and found myself on the road a bit.  Slightly off course, but no worries there.

 I remember the days when I used to take Raven hiking.  We lived in Incline Village at that point, and there was always opportunities to go hiking.

The only thing I was worried about was the unevenness of the ground.  Those who have know me for a while know that I sprained/broke both of my ankles (my right one twice) all within a year of each incident.  I don't do well over uneven ground, so I had to pay very close attention to the ground.  Especially on the way down.  It was easier going up than it was coming down.  Especially coming down the huge boulders that were in the way of the trail.  I almost lost my footing coming down, and that hurt my ankle a bit, but I made it without too much trouble.

I am looking forward to going on this hike again soon.  I know that I'll get in shape enough to make it to the top where the three lakes are.  Hopefully, when I get there, there will be water in them!  Either way, I know that the views will be beautiful.