Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

If at First You Don't Succeed...

... hit it with a sledgehammer until you get it right.

But, seriously, I had to do some reconsidering over the last few days.  I went back to the staffing agency, but they decided that they didn't have anything for me right now.  No worries. I got a call from another agency that was having a job fair today.  I went right down and all I have to do is give them proof of my education, which is no problem, and pass a background check and a drug test and I'm all set.  If all goes well, I'll be working again by next week.

Yes, more warehouse work, but I doubt that it will be half as arduous as the one I worked on Monday.  Ouch!

I'll just be glad to be caught up on all of my stuff, bills, etc.  I know most of us know what it's like to have less than no money.

I've considered looking for work in my career field outside of the state.  I am apprehensive about doing this for a few reasons.  Most of which are selfish, but sometimes that cannot be helped.

Most importantly, if I do look for work outside my state, I wouldn't want to move that far away.  I did find a promising opportunity in Southern California, which would be nice on multiple levels not the least of which would be Raven being physically closer to her dad.  Not that he would care too much about that or make an effort to see her, but who knows.  I'm not inside his head.  But, I don't want to have to uproot Raven AGAIN if it doesn't look good.

Secondly, I would miss Falcon like no one else in the world.  He would go with me.  At least, not right now.  We've talked about this once before, and he was pretty clear that he wasn't going to stand in the way of me getting the career I wanted.  I am not quite sure how to take that.  Does he not really care that much about being with me, or does he live by the old cliche "If you love someone set them free...." etc.  I don't know for sure, but sometimes I don't think he is truly happy.  I'll have to talk to him about it one day.

Thirdly, I'm just scared, plain and simple.  I am afraid of succeeding.  I'm afraid of being successful.  What if I am?  For me, that's a scary thought.

And, right now, I don't have the money to move.  Why am I talking myself out of this?  I should be sending out as many applications/resumes as I can.  I know that most will not all me back simply because I am not local to them. These are entry level jobs I am talking about, so what really do I have to lose?

But, what if one does?  What then?  ARGH! It makes me feel like this sometimes:

I do know that I really need to touch up on my phone interviewing skills.  They suck like a Hoover vacuum cleaner right now. 

Otherwise, I believe I am over most of the depression and sadness for the time being.  When I get this way, I usually get my hair cut.  I need to do that again.  I had an appointment a few weekends ago, but couldn't keep it due to a personal emergency.  I really need to reschedule.  Especially before Raven goes back to school. She was also scheduled to get her hair done.  She wants it short.  So do I. 

Well for now I believe I will just keep on the path that I'm on.  Get caught up and start saving money for a possible move.  If I'm not moving out of state anytime soon for a career, then at the very least I'll be saving to move somewhere in town that is bigger than a one-bedroom.  Raven is really starting to ask when we are getting a bigger place so that she can have her own room.  I've been asking myself that same question.  I really want a room to myself so that I can just stay up reading or talking on the phone or whatever.  And, she needs some space of her own.

Wow, that really got off topic.  Sometimes, the best conversations I have are inside my own head.  I was just thinking earlier today about soylent green.  I was wondering where the heck it came from, etc, and Falcon is really knowledgeable about such things.  I asked him and he gave me the lowdown.  Ick... But, there it is.  I really need to watch that movie.  Well, one of these days....

Yeah... my mind wanders to some really interesting places....

I believe I did warn you guys up front, though, right?

Looking Up and Seeing....

Well, the other night was a Blue Moon.  It was also a Harvest Moon, if I read correctly.  Some really take astrology stuff very seriously. I am not one of those, although, sometimes there are things to coincidental that it is difficult not to take it more seriously.  I am wondering if part of the depression had to do with the stars. Doubtful.  More likely it had something to do with my monthly cycle, the fact that I hadn't found a full-time job, or that Raven has become increasingly more interesting to deal with.  (She's almost ten and starting to assert that independence that most children start exploring with at that age.)

Or perhaps the depression goes a lot deeper than that.  Once, I tried to seek help, but without having insurance or a massive amount of money, I was forced to seek help from interns at a clinic in Boise.  The trouble with that was that the intern that I was seeing was only going to be there for a few more weeks and then I would start seeing some other intern.  I guess I didn't want to get frustrated by having to continually reexplain my issues every few months to someone new. 

So, I have been dealing with these issues on my own my entire adult life.  Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I have horrible days.  I guess that is a part of being human.  We all have days like that. 

I haven't quite found the job that I want, but I was able to get full-time work in a warehouse.  Reno is full of them.  There never seems to be a shortage of warehouse jobs.  I went to a staffing agency, which for me is sometimes better because I really don't interview very well in the real world. 

The first assignment is only about six weeks, but that's better than the sporadic hours I have with my current job.  I actually kept my current job in case the warehouse doesn't work out as well as I had hoped, and will keep it even if it does and work it a few nights a week.  With Raven starting school in just over a week, it will be really nice to have a job that keeps me able to get her to school in the mornings and still have time to pick her up from the Boys and Girls Club before they close. 

Getting out of the financial hell I've gotten myself into is important and I believe will help me get out of that part of the depression.  It will take a few weeks, but once I'm out, I plan on staying out.  Isn't that always the goal?

So, on my own anti-depression plan, I take things one day at at time and try not to be so hard on myself.  Self-forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to achieve.  Because I'm so hard on myself.  If I don't be, no one else would.  I'm also trying to verbalize things I am thankful for.




They include:
Waking up alive this morning
A boyfriend, that while not romantic in any way, shape, or form, is still there for me, even if I can't really talk to him about some things. And, the fact that he is always willing to help me with Raven.  He's been more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was.
Raven, who while difficult, is still a great girl, and is growing up to be an awesome young lady.
My old job and my new job. 
The roof over my head and the food on the table

This isn't helping....

God, I wish I had someone to talk to......