Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.