One would think that after nearly 40 years, one would get used to the feelings. They are familiar, and they are also horrible. No one should have to endure them, and most of the time they are forgotten until something or someone brings them up again. I've tried to get over these feelings, they are horrible.
I'm still here, and I'll still be enduring these awful, depressing feelings until long after they cease to matter. I've tried to grow my duck feathers, but this instance is not rolling off my back as easily as the others. It's harder when it's family that causes it.
But, I refuse to take the coward's way out, even though I really want to sometimes.
No. I have to keep enduring. I have to keep making the choices that will keep me on this planet for just a little while longer....
Monday, March 30, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I Already know I'm a Screw-up!
I don't need to be reminded of every time in the last thirty years or more that I have not lived up to you expectations. You believe that I have spent my life lying to you. You are misguided. I have never lied to you. Not once, about anything. I'm pretty sure you taught me better than that.
Why have you never once given me any ounce of encouragement? Why have you never once given me a compliment for something that I have done instead of focusing on things you think I haven't done? It is so very frustrating. You make me feel like I should never have been born. Perhaps that would be better than affecting your life so much, as you say mine does. Heaven forbid that my life (MY life) be such a burden or affect you in a perceived negative way.
Why would you bring up things that happened so long ago just to try to make a point about things you think I'm not doing (even though I am)? Most of thing time to these things you bring up, you weren't even there for. You don't know my life. You never once asked. NOT ONCE! And, why would I want to relive my early years. The years I spent being bullied and teased on a daily basis. Never being taught how to combat those bullies or taunts in a constructive or healthy way, not that anyone ever listened to me about that. Being told to quit being a baby and just suck it up. What makes you think I want to relive any of that with you? Why do you even give a shit after all this time? It's long since done with and those who bullied probably don't even remember me, so who cares!
You believe that I am not keeping up on our agreement just because you don't see any evidence to the contrary. Just because I haven't put the hose out doesn't mean that I don't know how to fill up a fucking watering can to ensure that the trees that I talked you into buying and planting survive. I want to make sure they don't die as much as you. Don't tell me that I'm not doing my part. What, you were there this morning. Did you not see the multitude of weeds that I spent the better part of Sunday morning digging up and pulling? No. You only see the pile of grass/weeds that I left in the middle of the yard because I ran out of time to remove them and then forgot in the middle of digging up the other plots of dirt that were running rampant with other weeds. No, you don't see the areas that have been taken care of and cleared. You only see what was left behind. You don't see the pots in front of the steps that have been planted with herbs and peppers. You don't see the seedlings that are already beginning to sprout so that they can be planted in the garden when it is time. You don't see any of this because you can't imagine that I might actually be doing what I said I would do. And because of the negative things you perceive, you think I am lying about the good things that I have done.
I suppose that I would probably die of a heart attack if you ever gave me a compliment just once. Or some encouragement. Instead of telling me about the possible perks of a job that I have applied for, you could try telling me "good luck" or "I know you can do it". I have never, not EVER, once heard those words from you. How much negativity do you think that I can possibly take in my life before I completely shut down? And when I said that I haven't had the time to look for jobs in places that you have suggested (as if I hadn't already thought of that, but thank you for the ideas), you tell me to make time. Yeah, well, knowing that I don't have internet at my house with which to surf the almighty internet for these so-called jobs that are local isn't exactly happening. But, while we are on the subject, I'll write here that I have a job app installed on my smart phone. You know, that piece of technology that you don't have and probably never will. I get it. But you don't know that I spend a good piece of time everyday searching out those job boards for jobs in my field of study. And guess what. The majority of the good-paying jobs are out-of-state, just like I told you on the phone today.
And another thing... why the hell would you care about my life choice of being a 'minimalist' as you said. I have merely said that I don't need a lot of things in order to be happy. Why does that bug you so much? As it is, I feel like I have way too many things as it is. I don't need things that I'm not going to use. I don't need things that are just taking up space. Actually, I don't need my emotions to be crowded like this, either. I have never wanted to live so far away from you as I do now.
And by the way, I haven't asked you for anything in YEARS. You are the one who offered what you offered after Tom died. You didn't have to do that. I would have been fine. I always find a way to make it some way or another. Someone else in the family is always amazed at how I manage to make something out of nothing. And that isn't to say that I do not appreciate what you have done for me in my life. But that help always seemed to come with strings attached. And, I'm not talking about our current agreement. What I'm ranting about has nothing to do with that. You have been hanging past help over my head for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
And then you try to make our conversation lighter by further demeaning my life? Does that really make you feel better? Sheesh, I'm crying on the other end of this phone because I haven't felt this low in a very long time. Does that make you feel better? Just because I don't care what other people think doesn't mean I don't care what you think. Those people that matter comprise a very short list, and unfortunately, you are on it. And you wonder why I moved out of state six years or so ago.
Why is it that you simply cannot let me live my life the way I think is best for me? Sure, it is not the way you think I should live, but so the hell what?! You aren't the single mom doing the best she can. You aren't the one who made these decisions. You aren't the one who has to live with the choices I've made. Guess what? No one asked you to, either. There's a reason why I have never come to you with life problems in several years. Because there has never been an interest by you. You give the appearance of someone who simply doesn't want to hear about my life. Oh, I know you care, at least to the point of caring about why I haven't lived my life the way you want. You never ask what's going on with me. It seems like the only time you ever call is to degrade or belittle me with something that you think I haven't been doing or think I need to be doing. I'm so tired of having those conversations. We have VERY different points-of-view on life and that's fine, but you do NOT need to try to push you way of life onto me.
We will forever clash, so I know it is going to be best to sever ties as soon as I am able to move on with life. You know of which I speak. Heck, you probably aren't even reading this, and that's okay. I write this because writing things out is therapeutic for me. Even hours later I am still so very upset and crying because of the words you said to me earlier. Perhaps I will send you a letter telling you exactly how I feel. I know I could never get it out without crying and getting upset, so I'll let you read every word, being clear and concise.
Some who might read this might think that I am so ungrateful for the things you have done. Without you I would not have been able to get the car I still drive, even though it is quickly falling apart due to age. Not due to neglect as you might think. Did you even notice that I had the windshield replaced? Do you even know that I had to have $1200 worth of work on it in order to be able to keep driving it? No, because you don't ask. But you'll ask me if I've had the oil changed. Or insist that you take a look at it when I come to visit. As if I don't know how to make sure to keep it going. And yes, I know how to change my own freaking oil. But you are who you are, so I let you continue being you because I would never have you any other way.
No, actually, that isn't quite true. I would ask that you stop trying to force your way of life on me. I know I'm the family screw-up, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it. That doesn't mean that I'm not working very hard in order to make something better for myself and for Raven. But that also means that I'm going to do that on my own terms, not yours. So as much as I appreciate what you have done and are doing, please don't think that just because of this that you can dictate the terms of my life. I'm certainly old enough to own my mistakes and learn from them. Doesn't matter how many times I have to make them. They will always be mine to make.
Just remember this. I haven't asked you for anything since the last time when you told me it would be the last time you would help me. You are not the one I go to when I need support, either mentally or emotionally. I have not asked for money from anyone since that time and neither have I asked for anything else of any kind. I've found other ways, for instance taking out a title loan on my car once. You weren't there for that. You never even knew about that. It wasn't your business. Suffice it to say that you are not the one I run to when I have issues. You aren't the one who has earned my trust enough to to go. You are not the one that I believe has earned the right to hear my woes, my worries or anything else in my life because I believe that you will just turn it around on me and make whatever I am going through all my fault. Which, as much as it might be, I also know that you will never give me any encouragement of any kind. Well, I don't need it from you. I've lived without it for this long, might as well not start now.
People reading this might think that this is a really harsh blog entry, and though it might be, just like you this morning, I feel like I need to get this out of my mind and out into the open. Perhaps not in so much an open forum as this, but then, I've kept the specific nature of who you are out of the writing and only family will know who you really are, strangers will not.
The sucky thing is that I do not feel much better after taking a few hours to write this than I did when I ended the phone call.
I've never felt so much like killing myself as I do now.....
Why have you never once given me any ounce of encouragement? Why have you never once given me a compliment for something that I have done instead of focusing on things you think I haven't done? It is so very frustrating. You make me feel like I should never have been born. Perhaps that would be better than affecting your life so much, as you say mine does. Heaven forbid that my life (MY life) be such a burden or affect you in a perceived negative way.
Why would you bring up things that happened so long ago just to try to make a point about things you think I'm not doing (even though I am)? Most of thing time to these things you bring up, you weren't even there for. You don't know my life. You never once asked. NOT ONCE! And, why would I want to relive my early years. The years I spent being bullied and teased on a daily basis. Never being taught how to combat those bullies or taunts in a constructive or healthy way, not that anyone ever listened to me about that. Being told to quit being a baby and just suck it up. What makes you think I want to relive any of that with you? Why do you even give a shit after all this time? It's long since done with and those who bullied probably don't even remember me, so who cares!
You believe that I am not keeping up on our agreement just because you don't see any evidence to the contrary. Just because I haven't put the hose out doesn't mean that I don't know how to fill up a fucking watering can to ensure that the trees that I talked you into buying and planting survive. I want to make sure they don't die as much as you. Don't tell me that I'm not doing my part. What, you were there this morning. Did you not see the multitude of weeds that I spent the better part of Sunday morning digging up and pulling? No. You only see the pile of grass/weeds that I left in the middle of the yard because I ran out of time to remove them and then forgot in the middle of digging up the other plots of dirt that were running rampant with other weeds. No, you don't see the areas that have been taken care of and cleared. You only see what was left behind. You don't see the pots in front of the steps that have been planted with herbs and peppers. You don't see the seedlings that are already beginning to sprout so that they can be planted in the garden when it is time. You don't see any of this because you can't imagine that I might actually be doing what I said I would do. And because of the negative things you perceive, you think I am lying about the good things that I have done.
I suppose that I would probably die of a heart attack if you ever gave me a compliment just once. Or some encouragement. Instead of telling me about the possible perks of a job that I have applied for, you could try telling me "good luck" or "I know you can do it". I have never, not EVER, once heard those words from you. How much negativity do you think that I can possibly take in my life before I completely shut down? And when I said that I haven't had the time to look for jobs in places that you have suggested (as if I hadn't already thought of that, but thank you for the ideas), you tell me to make time. Yeah, well, knowing that I don't have internet at my house with which to surf the almighty internet for these so-called jobs that are local isn't exactly happening. But, while we are on the subject, I'll write here that I have a job app installed on my smart phone. You know, that piece of technology that you don't have and probably never will. I get it. But you don't know that I spend a good piece of time everyday searching out those job boards for jobs in my field of study. And guess what. The majority of the good-paying jobs are out-of-state, just like I told you on the phone today.
And another thing... why the hell would you care about my life choice of being a 'minimalist' as you said. I have merely said that I don't need a lot of things in order to be happy. Why does that bug you so much? As it is, I feel like I have way too many things as it is. I don't need things that I'm not going to use. I don't need things that are just taking up space. Actually, I don't need my emotions to be crowded like this, either. I have never wanted to live so far away from you as I do now.
And by the way, I haven't asked you for anything in YEARS. You are the one who offered what you offered after Tom died. You didn't have to do that. I would have been fine. I always find a way to make it some way or another. Someone else in the family is always amazed at how I manage to make something out of nothing. And that isn't to say that I do not appreciate what you have done for me in my life. But that help always seemed to come with strings attached. And, I'm not talking about our current agreement. What I'm ranting about has nothing to do with that. You have been hanging past help over my head for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
And then you try to make our conversation lighter by further demeaning my life? Does that really make you feel better? Sheesh, I'm crying on the other end of this phone because I haven't felt this low in a very long time. Does that make you feel better? Just because I don't care what other people think doesn't mean I don't care what you think. Those people that matter comprise a very short list, and unfortunately, you are on it. And you wonder why I moved out of state six years or so ago.
Why is it that you simply cannot let me live my life the way I think is best for me? Sure, it is not the way you think I should live, but so the hell what?! You aren't the single mom doing the best she can. You aren't the one who made these decisions. You aren't the one who has to live with the choices I've made. Guess what? No one asked you to, either. There's a reason why I have never come to you with life problems in several years. Because there has never been an interest by you. You give the appearance of someone who simply doesn't want to hear about my life. Oh, I know you care, at least to the point of caring about why I haven't lived my life the way you want. You never ask what's going on with me. It seems like the only time you ever call is to degrade or belittle me with something that you think I haven't been doing or think I need to be doing. I'm so tired of having those conversations. We have VERY different points-of-view on life and that's fine, but you do NOT need to try to push you way of life onto me.
We will forever clash, so I know it is going to be best to sever ties as soon as I am able to move on with life. You know of which I speak. Heck, you probably aren't even reading this, and that's okay. I write this because writing things out is therapeutic for me. Even hours later I am still so very upset and crying because of the words you said to me earlier. Perhaps I will send you a letter telling you exactly how I feel. I know I could never get it out without crying and getting upset, so I'll let you read every word, being clear and concise.
Some who might read this might think that I am so ungrateful for the things you have done. Without you I would not have been able to get the car I still drive, even though it is quickly falling apart due to age. Not due to neglect as you might think. Did you even notice that I had the windshield replaced? Do you even know that I had to have $1200 worth of work on it in order to be able to keep driving it? No, because you don't ask. But you'll ask me if I've had the oil changed. Or insist that you take a look at it when I come to visit. As if I don't know how to make sure to keep it going. And yes, I know how to change my own freaking oil. But you are who you are, so I let you continue being you because I would never have you any other way.
No, actually, that isn't quite true. I would ask that you stop trying to force your way of life on me. I know I'm the family screw-up, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it. That doesn't mean that I'm not working very hard in order to make something better for myself and for Raven. But that also means that I'm going to do that on my own terms, not yours. So as much as I appreciate what you have done and are doing, please don't think that just because of this that you can dictate the terms of my life. I'm certainly old enough to own my mistakes and learn from them. Doesn't matter how many times I have to make them. They will always be mine to make.
Just remember this. I haven't asked you for anything since the last time when you told me it would be the last time you would help me. You are not the one I go to when I need support, either mentally or emotionally. I have not asked for money from anyone since that time and neither have I asked for anything else of any kind. I've found other ways, for instance taking out a title loan on my car once. You weren't there for that. You never even knew about that. It wasn't your business. Suffice it to say that you are not the one I run to when I have issues. You aren't the one who has earned my trust enough to to go. You are not the one that I believe has earned the right to hear my woes, my worries or anything else in my life because I believe that you will just turn it around on me and make whatever I am going through all my fault. Which, as much as it might be, I also know that you will never give me any encouragement of any kind. Well, I don't need it from you. I've lived without it for this long, might as well not start now.
People reading this might think that this is a really harsh blog entry, and though it might be, just like you this morning, I feel like I need to get this out of my mind and out into the open. Perhaps not in so much an open forum as this, but then, I've kept the specific nature of who you are out of the writing and only family will know who you really are, strangers will not.
The sucky thing is that I do not feel much better after taking a few hours to write this than I did when I ended the phone call.
I've never felt so much like killing myself as I do now.....
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