I'm sure this will be the most soul-bearing post I have ever made, but I promised I would write a few weeks ago, and haven't had the chance yet. Here goes...
As I am sure we all have felt at one time or another, I have felt like a horrible human being, and a bad mother. Actually, I there have been some who have caused me to feel this way. As often as I have said to Raven and to others that words only have as much power as one gives them, words still have a way of stinging sometimes.
I rarely ever talk about my second child. She was taken from me then eventually adopted out as I thought the family could give her a much better life than I ever could. As true as that might have been, I was not prepared for the backlash that eventually came my way.
Just after I moved back to Boise, I had the opportunity to go to my son's Naval bootcamp graduation in Illinois. I was so excited and proud that he had made it! The ceremony was amazing, however before it actually started, I got a phone call from HER.
Apparently, the girl was having trouble at home and wanted to come live with me. Because I have a family first attitude, of course I said yes. The ceremony continued and I spent the day with my son exploring Chicago.
Later that weekend, before I left for Boise, I got another call from HER stating that the girl didn't want to come live with me after all. I told HER that I wanted to hear that from the girl, but she refused. I ended up going to pick up the girl after I got back. She stayed with me for a while, but then things got weird.
I thought it would be a wonderful idea to help her get to know her birth father as he and I were friends on Facebook. Of course, she was unsure of what to say to him, but after a bit they were talking on chat and the phone all the time. Eventually, I became ignored, neglected and she and I didn't have much to say about anything. She wanted to move to where he lived. What was I going to do, say no? She was an adult and capable of making her own choices, making her own mistakes.
I drove her up.
Without getting into too much more detail, there was a lot of issues, and eventually I found out that SHE went up there to get the girl. And wasn't happy about it. Not my concern. SHE didn't have to go up there. But, because I was the one who took the girl up, I was the one blamed for everything. I was called a bad mother, irresponsible, and things like that. I even received a random message from one of the girl's adopted relatives (an aunt or something) telling me who horrible of a person I was for letting the girl go live with her dad and stepmom. I should have known that something would happen (nothing did), and I should never have been allowed to have children in the first place. I was told that the girl will need a massive amount of therapy after what I allowed her to do.
Tell me that I didn't feel like killing myself over that. I have spent four years trying to get over the feeling that I was a horrible person for letting her go up there. I just have to remember that I I wasn't the one who raised the girl. I was just trying to help and do what I felt was right.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago...
Raven told me that she wanted to go and live with her dad after the current school year ends. It's a different scenario, but I can tell you that I had immediate flashbacks to the girl and the trouble that ensued. We talked to Raven's dad and made agreements and plans and there have been assurances, so this is very different than four years ago.
It didn't stop me from crying for four days thinking that I was again a horrible mother and a truly bad person for allowing yet another daughter to go live with their dad. I really felt like dying at that moment. If not for a friend who told me how it really was, and gave me encouragement and sound advice, I might not still be with this world. Also taking to Raven really helped as she assured me that I wasn't a bad mom or a bad person because she wanted to move.
I have had a lot of time to think about the rest of this year and what it will entail. And, as I think about it more, I am more excited to embark on this new adventure. Oh, I didn't mention? After Raven goes to live with her dad, there will be nothing keeping me here. I am moving out of state to be closer to my mom. For the first time in a while, I am looking forward to moving. This will be move #65 in my life and while I am getting a bit tired of moving, I have always enjoyed the adventure of new.
Am I concerned for Raven's move? No.
Do I think that Raven will come back to me one day and blame me for letting her go, like the girl did? No. Raven and I have talked about that. We plan on talking every day and I will make darn sure that I am there for her high school graduation, among other things.
What I can say is that I will never allow anyone's words to hurt me so much ever again. While I know I'm not perfect, I know I'm not a bad person, or a bad mother.
Think of me how you will. Those words will never hurt me again...
