What Really Matters

It doesn't matter how much I try to smile, I usually end up crying once I'm alone.  I thought that I was at least a little bit okay even over two weeks since Tom's death. It turns out that I'm not okay with it. At all.  I still feel massive guilt over his death, and I'm not sure how to overcome those feelings. 

While I look okay on the outside most of the time, on the inside, I feel like death...empty and void...cold.

I've tried to surround myself with friends and even family at times, but the depression remains.  I don't have the money for counseling so I write.  That seems to help sometimes.  Getting it all out helps to release more tears, but there are other times when I wish I had someone just to talk to.  My friends are there, but it's hard to get the words out.

For now I'll just try to focus on what really matters.  Living each day, one at a time. And if that day brings sadness then try to focus on other things until the sadness goes away.  And, try to take my mind off the fact that the sadness might never go away....

There are days I wish my body was a cold and void as I feel on the inside....

Aftermath

These last few days have been especially rough.  I spent the last three days moving my things from the duplex that Tom and I shared into a house I have lived in before.  I am very grateful for family.  It was really hard to leave the place that he and I shared together, but ultimately I know that this is the best move for me.  By the way, this is move #50 for me in my lifetime.  My mother calls me a gypsy and really, that is how I've lived for the most part.  Moving from here to there and back to here then to there again.  I don't like moving so much, it's just that circumstances in my life have warranted me moving.. a lot. 

The majority of Tom's things went back to his parents.  I only kept a few small things and they are now on the shelf I have dedicated to him.  There is a picture of us, some small bottles of cologne and my drum sticks.  He was an excellent drummer and he always smelled so good!  I plan on getting a few more things for that shelf because there was so much more to him than that.  I'm going to get a mini whisk and a few other things that I haven't decided on yet. 

Although most of my tears have been shed, I still feel myself crying out of the blue.  I know it's perfectly normal, but I can't remain depressed forever. I need to get my emotions in check. I have to get back to doing homework. I have to get back to work, which I'm doing tonight.  Not sure how that's going to turn out, but no matter. I am currently looking for a new job anyway. 

Fish pond that will have fish again one day.

I'm sad, and depressed, but happy to be in the new place.  The old place was simply not big enough even for one person. I was tripping over my own feet there.  The new place isn't as big as some, but way bigger than the old place.  I have plans to refurbish the back yard. It really needs some TLC. I'm also going to replant my garden.  A friend of mine is a permaculturist and she is going to help me get the yard in good condition. I'm also going to try to get the lawn healthy again.  It's going to be a long process, I'm sure.

I go back to work tonight. Not sure how that's going to do, but I can't not work forever.  I just hope I don't get a lot of coworkers asking me how I've been. I've been cruddy, and I'm trying to stay together.  That's how I'm doing.  Now let me get back to work.

No nap for me tonight. Oh well. 

Things I Learned From Tom...

1. Life is too short.

Well, duh.  We all say this, but do we really know what we mean by it?  Some people do amazing things before they are 18, some never do anything noteworthy or it is is, people don't know about it.  It doesn't matter as long as we live life to the fullest everyday.  Life is too short to be sad, depressed, stressed out constantly, or in short... miserable. Set goals.  Work for them.  Achieve them. 



2. Labels mean absolutely nothing. 
Be who you are.  I sometimes worry about "fitting in" in certain situations.  Specifically with this group or that group thinking that they wouldn't respect or like me if I didn't like what they like or dressed how they dress.  We'll take music as an example.  There is so much stigma around loving certain types of music.  For instance, I don't really care for country music very much, but is that?  Oh, it's because I think that my friends will think I'm weird or *gasp* not goth enough if I like country music.  (Just for the record, I gave up being "goth" a long time ago although I still love the music, the style etc...I just don't have time for the drama.)  Tom loved EVERY kind of music.  And when I say everything, I mean everything.  He'd listen to rock one minute then turn right around and flip to an adult contemporary station.  He couldn't answer who his favorite band was because he didn't have one.  He refused to allow people to label him by the kinds of music he listened to or the clothes he wore.  He simply existed as himself.  I admire that.  And, he enjoyed everyone.

3. Be kind to myself.

Sounds like a no-brainer, but in reality, I have a tendency to expect perfection from everything I do. School being a major part of that perfection.  If I get less than perfect, then I really come down on myself rather hard when I really have no reason to do so.  I also need to quit calling myself names and putting myself down so much.  It hurts way more than it motivates.

4. It's okay to cry.

I never like crying in front of anyone because I feel like it makes me look weak or vulnerable and I dislike looking like either.  Tom cried a lot, but I respected his tears.  He was a rather sensitive guy.  He never held back his tears.  I won't hold mine back anymore.


5. Family is the most important thing on the planet.

I grew up in a broken home.  I didn't have it as bad as a lot of other children.  My parents loved me as a kid, and somehow they found the strength to love me as an adult.  Tom's parents are still married.  He has twin sisters whom he
 would do anything for.  I always found it so strange that he would end every phone conversation or visit with them with the words, "I love you".  Actually, it kind of bugged me.  I am the type who rarely says those words because to me they lose their meaning, but to him they never lost their meaning.  I cannot remember if I told him that I loved him on our last phone conversation.  It was rather quick.  But family is important.  I already know this, but there are times when I don't think that my siblings or parents know that I care.  I might not get along with my sister at all, and call her a pain in the ass sometimes, but there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, or my brother.  Or, any member of my family for that matter.  I suppose I should tell them more often that I love them.  Because we only get one set of relatives. 

I'm sure there are more, but those are the most important. 

It's Hard...

The next few entries are probably going to be a bit depressing, but it is how I feel.  I've cried millions of tears and I took this week off of work trying to get my head in order.  I know it will be a process and people go through this everyday. I am surprised that there aren't more suicides committed due to grief.  Because really, I would rather be dead than feel this depressed.  I have spent the last few days in denial, I guess.  There are many emotions that I have never felt before.  There are times when I think he is going to come bursting through the door and give me a really big bear hug and kisses and tell me that his day was great. 

But that's not going to happen.  I understand that, but it is going to be very difficult to accept for a long time. 

I didn't get to say goodbye.  The last thing I said to him before he went into the ICU was that I would call his parents. I don't even know if I told him that I loved him.  "I love you" was not something that I said all the time because I believed that actions spoke louder than words.  He told me he loved me all the time and I knew he meant it.  But, I didn't get to see his body.  He's already been cremated.  I think that is part of why I am having a difficult time accepting this, but oh well.  That's life death.

One of our favorite things to do was sing karaoke.  As often as we could, we would go to various places.  Our favorites were the Cal Neva and the 5 Star Saloon.  I knew it was too soon, but I wanted to feel closer to him, so I decided to go to the 5 Star.  I sang our song ("The Promise" by When in Rome) and managed to get through it without sobbing until the very last word.  In the next rotation I was going to sing "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrissette, which was his favorite song that I sing.  I only got through the first chorus before I completely broke down.  I guess it really was too soon.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to sing that song again.

I'm getting ready to move out of the place that he and I shared, and even though I really dislike this place, it was ours and we shared it.  I have to pack up the rest of his stuff for his parents although I am keeping a few of his favorite shirts.  He was a really big guy and I drown in them, but that's okay.  They surround me with him, and that is the point. I'm also keeping his pillow because it smells like him, and he always smelled really good.  He wore the best cologne.  He was paranoid about his hygiene and wore the best smelling stuff.  I loved to bury my head in his chest in inhale.

I don't want to pack. I don't want to clean. I don't want to work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I barely want to visit friends.  I don't want to listen to music.  I don't want to live.

I would have given anything to trade places with him.

A Bright Light Has Dimmed...

Thomas Lee Berner II.  Those who have been following my journals knew him only as Titan.  And he passed away early on January 13th, 2014 due to a heart attack brought on by his body's inability to fight everything else that was going on.  He went into the emergency room on New Year's Eve and was admitted for pneumonia.  Two days later he was sent to the ICU and intebated and put into a chemically induced coma to allow his body to fight of the H1N1 flu that he had actually contracted.  On the 10th his fever spiked to 104 after being at over 102 the first few days he was in the hospital and then over 100 for the majority of his time in the ICU.  After spiking to 104 his kidneys began to fail.  They were doing everything they could to keep him alive.  Around 2am on the 13th, he had a heart attack and passed away.  He was in a lot of pain and from what I understood there was nothing more they could do for him.  I didn't get to say goodbye.

Tom was an incredible man who did a lot more in his 39 years of life then a lot of people I know combined.  He was a musician who excelled at drums as well as singing and other instruments.  He was well-traveled having gone to several places in this world.  He had wonderful stories to tell.  He was an EMT, a cook, a real estate agent and most of all, he was a very loving father to his daughter, 17, and his son, 3.  I can only imagine what they are going through right now.

He was creative and funny and so very talented. He had dreams of owning his own restaurant one day.  He was an extraordinary cook and I often teased him that he overfed me.  I gained a lot of weight when he cooked, but it was worth it.  We had dreams of running a place together.

I have known Tom since the 8th grade. He is one of the people still in my life that I have known the longest. We were in band together and we became very good friends.  Although our lives went down separate paths after our freshman year, we reconnected as seniors and dated for a short time.  Our paths separated once again, but we found each other once more via Facebook. (Oh, the joys of technology.)  We remained in contact, and that eventually led me back home to Reno and to him.  Our time together was very short, but very powerful and extremely special.  Our relationship was by no means perfect, but we always found that love overcame everything else and petty arguments be damned.

He always had kind words to say to just about everyone and he treated everyone with respect.  Most of all, he treated me like a princess, and I can honestly say that there are very few who have done that in my life.  I finally found happiness in a relationship and now it's gone.  There are times when I think the Universe has it out for me.  But enough about that.

When Tom sang, he got people on their feet dancing. He could sing Elvis like no other that I know.  At the Cal Neva, he always got the approval from the crowd, high fives from perfect strangers and I'll never forget the songs we sang together.  Our song was "The Promise" by When in Rome.  It fit us so perfectly, and he told me that he'd always thought of us when he heard that song.  His favorite song that I sang was "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrissette, so if you ever hear me singing that song, know that I am singing it for him always.

He was the bright light in the darkness that was my mind and soul.  He understood me like very few do.  He accepted me for who I was and did not try to change me very much.  We compromised a lot and that is what made our relationship work for us.  He was very open-minded and willing to try just about anything. 


There were many who prayed, lit candles, sent healing energy and begged the higher powers to make everything right again.  The Universe had other plans in mind, I guess.  Thank you for all who prayed, lit candles and sent healing energy.  One of his friends at Rail City even grabbed my hands and said a prayer right there at the counter on two occasions.  They truly cared about him there.  

I have probably cried ten thousand tears in the last few hours and millions more since the early hours of this morning.  I know that my tears are not done falling.  They may never be fully done.  I finally understand the old cliche that states that part of me died when he did.  I doubt that I will ever get that part of me back. Tears fall so freely for me on a normal basis anyway that these are starting to physically hurt.

I loved him with all my heart.  Friends described him as funny, sweet, great, and generous.  He will be missed terribly although I know that he'll remain alive as long as his memory survives in those that knew and loved him. He is survived by his parents, his sisters, his kids, friends, extended family and me.

Rest in peace, my love.
Thomas Lee Berner II  January 12, 1975 to January 13th 2014