Another End in Sight....

This year is coming to a close.  So much has happened that I haven't had the opportunity to write about.  Falcon and I are no longer together, although we are very good friends.  I know it's for the best, but even know, several months later, it still hurts like Hell. 

I am part of Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I have been since day 1 and I freaking love it!  The show is a four hour long program which has interviews about everything from horror movies to musical guests, artists and so much more.  My segment, The Onyx Music Moment, discusses albums that are coming out that week along with local shows that are happening and other little bits that I think listeners might find interesting. 

If you want to be a part of the ever-growing crowd that listens, please visit Beyond The Dawn Studios.  They have an amazing lineup of shows including music from independent artists when they aren't doing shows.  The show airs on Wednesdays from 3pm to 7pm Pacific time and re=airs on Saturdays from 4pm to 8pm Pacific in case you can't be with us on Wednesdays. It's an amazing show hosted by Jimmie Jones.  I've found out some amazing things while researching and listening to the other segments of this show. 

I've also come across some amazing new music from bands and artists I did not know existed.  I would also invite any bands/artists who might be reading this to submit their music to the show for exposure.  Send me a private message and I'll send you the email to submit your music. If you have friends who are in bands that need exposure, please feel free to share this link with them as well.  We welcome all genres of music because that's how we roll!

Let's see, what else has happened this year.  I worked briefly for the post office.  I quit for a multitude of reasons.  Instead, I found a nice desk job in a warehouse that sells used laptop computer parts, cell phones, and that sort of thing.  I don't make as much as the post office, but the personal benefits are worth more to me than money. 

I've reconnected with old friends this year. That was really nice. 

I'm also lonely as Hell.  I don't get out very much anymore.  I don't have a lot going for me other than the online radio show.  I don't get out to sing hardly at all, and I really miss it.  The last time I went singing, Raven's dad was in town for her birthday.  That was toward the beginning of this month.  I might have gone once since then, but I can't recall at the moment.  I'm also tired of being alone.  I don't mind being by myself.  I have plenty to do, but I would love to spend my time with a companion.  You know, like a boyfriend.  Falcon is a great friend, but it is evident that we will never be together again.  For me, that is very sad even though I know that it is for the best.  He is just happy being single, playing video games and going to karaoke when he likes.  I have other needs and wants that I would like fulfilled by someone special.  And before anyone remarks that I'll find love when I'm not looking... I already know that, but there's no harm in putting my desires out to the Universe.

I have a few New Year's resolutions this year.  I've already started most of them.  First, I wanted to get more exercise because I'm not getting what I used to get at the post office.  I've been walking three miles a day when weather permits.  Raven goes with me because we both need to get out into the fresh air more.  I have also started creating events for Raven and I to do on weekends.  At least once a weekend. I don't want our weekends to be a constant state of staying home watching movies all day.  That's what we did mostly today, and I about died.  I get cabin fever easily.

Otherwise, I guess nothing much happened.  I guess there wasn't as much as I thought. 

Hopefully, next year will be much better..... be sure to tune into Erosion Factory Radio Show!

I May Be 40, But...

Finally, finally, I am on my way to getting what I want. Or, most of it anyway.  I have a great job, which I just have to pass my probation and I'll really have it made.  I'll be able to start paying off my student loans.  It's been a long time since I've been able to send a payment in, and I really need to get that taken care of.  It seems like waste because I didn't end up with a career in my field of study, but I'll tell you what...

A lot of employers just want their candidates to have a Bachelor's degree, no matter what the field.  At least that will never be able to take that away from me. 

I'll also be able to move into a bigger place, hopefully by this spring.  I have a few other things to do before that can happen, but I am well on my way.  Raven has been nagging me for a while for a bedroom of her own.  Being in a one-bedroom is rather cramped, I'm not going to lie, but I also know that things could be a lot worse. 

I survived my first day on the streets today.  Handling mail is easy, but the walking has killed me today.  I'll probably need a better pair of shoes soon.  I bought a pair of boots because they are comfy and great support for my ankles.  I'm surprised, actually, that I didn't trip over any of the cracks in the sidewalk today.  I'm rather proud of that. 

My trainer said I did great.  There were a few issues beyond our control, but we still finished in good time.  I ended up with some overtime, and I'm not complaining.  Every little bit helps. 

I know that it is going to take some time to get everything down, like my routine and whatnot, but I know that I'll be able to get it done.  I'm smart and I have great ability to learn things quickly.  Especially if I have the drive.  And right now, I have more drive than I know what to do with.

I am very glad to have two days before I go in again.  I feel bad for some of my coworkers who might not be getting even a day in between their training days.  I am looking forward to finishing my training days and getting down to the real business.  I hear that I'm going to have more hours than I know what to do with.  I'm excited.  I just hope that it doesn't keep me past 6pm most days.  Still have to make sure that Raven is picked up from the club.  I'm not that worried about it, though.

I'm just super excited about the way things are going right now. 

It's about freaking time, too. 

Is It Too Soon...

... for a midlife crisis? Before reading further, please be warned that this sounds like a pity party for myself, but it helps me to get my frustration out.  If you don't wish to read this, please close the page.  Thanks.

I'm turning the big 4-0 on Saturday, and I gotta say that death is looking a lot better. 

I've been reflecting on the events over the last forty years, and my life looks rather bleak and boring.  So far, I have failed to create any truly exciting memories.  I base this on the stories of others, which I know I shouldn't do, but I cannot help it.  The majority of my life memories are really disheartening, depressing, and just plain pathetic.

 What have I really done with my life?  Three children, one that went into the system, one that went to his father before he could go into the system, and one who I fail on a regular basis, even though she might not see it that way.  Just thinking about this is enough to send me crawling under a rock never to be seen again.  I try, but there is damage that cannot be undone.  A lot of damage.

I'm basically unemployed.  I am having trouble finding a job that will work with my schedule.  I had a decent job and would have been fine working it, but I got screwed out of that job because they changed the schedule to something I was not able to work.  And they refused to work with me even though they said they would.  They lied.  I have been avidly looking for work every since the day they lied to me.  So far, nothing.  I have even begun looking for work outside the state.  I am not sure if that will even work.  I do still work with the inventory company, but because of sitter issues, the hours are bleak at best. So, that's where the "basically unemployed" phrase comes in.

I live in a house that my dad owns, and even though I am grateful that Raven and I are not homeless, she asks me all the time when we are moving into a bigger place.  It is hard to explain to a 9-year-old about the circumstances of being too broke to move, much less purchase school supplies or new school shirts or ice cream.  No parent should ever have to have that discussion with their child.

I'm almost 40 and I haven't gotten my life together.  I keep wondering when I will be able to get this done.  It weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. Honestly, I would rather be 40 and alone and homeless, than bringing my daughter down into the life that is ours right now.  Even my dad has asked me when I'm going to get my life together.  More than once, I might add.  I don't feel very good when I think about that.  But, I wonder that myself on a daily basis.

I'm almost 40 and have very little self-esteem.  There are so many aspects of my life that I am not now, nor ever have been secure in myself.  My appearance, my social graces (or lack thereof), my ability to relate to others, my tolerance of others, and the list goes on and on, and I don't think I have the time to write everything down at the moment.  I am not sure that self-esteem will ever be there the way I think it should be.  The brainwashing suffered at the hands of bullies as a child is still there, and I am honestly not sure if there is a way to get around it.  (Yes, I know how that sounds.  Read previous warning.)

I have a friend who told me that she doesn't know anyone who has worked harder than I have.  She told me I deserve a break.  To this, I cannot agree more, but the majority of my life has been based on hard times.  I can really only think of perhaps two or three years that I was actually doing okay.  Had my own apartment, extra money for doing things with Raven or with friends.  Time to have a social life.  I made poor choices back then and lost all that.  I've been trying to get something like that back ever since. 

This same friend and I had an extensive conversation about the evolution of lives and happiness.  We agreed that we need to find happiness with what where we are now.  Living in the moment and not constantly attempting to relive the past.  Remembering is fine, and having fun when we can get it is always a good thing, but there are times when I am drowning in depression and stress that I have difficulty in finding happiness in the present moment. 

So many people are defined as individuals based on the work they do.  When asked "What do you do?" many will answer with what they do for a living.  I don't want to be that way.  I want to be able to say that I'm an archer, or a mother, or a singer, or any number of other things that actually define who I am.  Not just an inventory auditor or a warehouse worker or a call center customer service rep, or whatever the case may be at the time. 

I am afraid of what will end up happening if I put into place a plan that has been forming.  It could require me to move with Raven out of state.  It would end up tearing me away from Falcon, who has been clear about not wanting to move anywhere.  I know that he would never stand in the way of me getting a wonderful career and a better life, but that doesn't make any future decision any easier.  I haven't even spoken to him at length about any of the plans I have tentatively put in place.  I'm going to feel bad if he reads this before I've had a chance to talk to him.  But, there is nothing set in stone yet, and anything could happen.  

I write this because it helps me put my emotions and feelings into focus.  I realize that I have a boatload to be thankful for, but the negative is outweighing the positive, and the hole that I'm in requires a ladder when what I actually have is a toddler's step stool.  I can't very well climb out of this hole with that. 

I think that Falcon put it it in an interesting way.  He said that we all feel like we are going through tunnels, which are dark, but once in a while we see a light, however, the light isn't the end, it's a skylight that passes, then it gets dark again.  Only to be lighted by another skylight.  What I really want is to be out of the tunnel altogether.

I'm not excited about turning 40.  But, I cannot give up.

If at First You Don't Succeed...

... hit it with a sledgehammer until you get it right.

But, seriously, I had to do some reconsidering over the last few days.  I went back to the staffing agency, but they decided that they didn't have anything for me right now.  No worries. I got a call from another agency that was having a job fair today.  I went right down and all I have to do is give them proof of my education, which is no problem, and pass a background check and a drug test and I'm all set.  If all goes well, I'll be working again by next week.

Yes, more warehouse work, but I doubt that it will be half as arduous as the one I worked on Monday.  Ouch!

I'll just be glad to be caught up on all of my stuff, bills, etc.  I know most of us know what it's like to have less than no money.

I've considered looking for work in my career field outside of the state.  I am apprehensive about doing this for a few reasons.  Most of which are selfish, but sometimes that cannot be helped.

Most importantly, if I do look for work outside my state, I wouldn't want to move that far away.  I did find a promising opportunity in Southern California, which would be nice on multiple levels not the least of which would be Raven being physically closer to her dad.  Not that he would care too much about that or make an effort to see her, but who knows.  I'm not inside his head.  But, I don't want to have to uproot Raven AGAIN if it doesn't look good.

Secondly, I would miss Falcon like no one else in the world.  He would go with me.  At least, not right now.  We've talked about this once before, and he was pretty clear that he wasn't going to stand in the way of me getting the career I wanted.  I am not quite sure how to take that.  Does he not really care that much about being with me, or does he live by the old cliche "If you love someone set them free...." etc.  I don't know for sure, but sometimes I don't think he is truly happy.  I'll have to talk to him about it one day.

Thirdly, I'm just scared, plain and simple.  I am afraid of succeeding.  I'm afraid of being successful.  What if I am?  For me, that's a scary thought.

And, right now, I don't have the money to move.  Why am I talking myself out of this?  I should be sending out as many applications/resumes as I can.  I know that most will not all me back simply because I am not local to them. These are entry level jobs I am talking about, so what really do I have to lose?

But, what if one does?  What then?  ARGH! It makes me feel like this sometimes:

I do know that I really need to touch up on my phone interviewing skills.  They suck like a Hoover vacuum cleaner right now. 

Otherwise, I believe I am over most of the depression and sadness for the time being.  When I get this way, I usually get my hair cut.  I need to do that again.  I had an appointment a few weekends ago, but couldn't keep it due to a personal emergency.  I really need to reschedule.  Especially before Raven goes back to school. She was also scheduled to get her hair done.  She wants it short.  So do I. 

Well for now I believe I will just keep on the path that I'm on.  Get caught up and start saving money for a possible move.  If I'm not moving out of state anytime soon for a career, then at the very least I'll be saving to move somewhere in town that is bigger than a one-bedroom.  Raven is really starting to ask when we are getting a bigger place so that she can have her own room.  I've been asking myself that same question.  I really want a room to myself so that I can just stay up reading or talking on the phone or whatever.  And, she needs some space of her own.

Wow, that really got off topic.  Sometimes, the best conversations I have are inside my own head.  I was just thinking earlier today about soylent green.  I was wondering where the heck it came from, etc, and Falcon is really knowledgeable about such things.  I asked him and he gave me the lowdown.  Ick... But, there it is.  I really need to watch that movie.  Well, one of these days....

Yeah... my mind wanders to some really interesting places....

I believe I did warn you guys up front, though, right?

Looking Up and Seeing....

Well, the other night was a Blue Moon.  It was also a Harvest Moon, if I read correctly.  Some really take astrology stuff very seriously. I am not one of those, although, sometimes there are things to coincidental that it is difficult not to take it more seriously.  I am wondering if part of the depression had to do with the stars. Doubtful.  More likely it had something to do with my monthly cycle, the fact that I hadn't found a full-time job, or that Raven has become increasingly more interesting to deal with.  (She's almost ten and starting to assert that independence that most children start exploring with at that age.)

Or perhaps the depression goes a lot deeper than that.  Once, I tried to seek help, but without having insurance or a massive amount of money, I was forced to seek help from interns at a clinic in Boise.  The trouble with that was that the intern that I was seeing was only going to be there for a few more weeks and then I would start seeing some other intern.  I guess I didn't want to get frustrated by having to continually reexplain my issues every few months to someone new. 

So, I have been dealing with these issues on my own my entire adult life.  Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I have horrible days.  I guess that is a part of being human.  We all have days like that. 

I haven't quite found the job that I want, but I was able to get full-time work in a warehouse.  Reno is full of them.  There never seems to be a shortage of warehouse jobs.  I went to a staffing agency, which for me is sometimes better because I really don't interview very well in the real world. 

The first assignment is only about six weeks, but that's better than the sporadic hours I have with my current job.  I actually kept my current job in case the warehouse doesn't work out as well as I had hoped, and will keep it even if it does and work it a few nights a week.  With Raven starting school in just over a week, it will be really nice to have a job that keeps me able to get her to school in the mornings and still have time to pick her up from the Boys and Girls Club before they close. 

Getting out of the financial hell I've gotten myself into is important and I believe will help me get out of that part of the depression.  It will take a few weeks, but once I'm out, I plan on staying out.  Isn't that always the goal?

So, on my own anti-depression plan, I take things one day at at time and try not to be so hard on myself.  Self-forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to achieve.  Because I'm so hard on myself.  If I don't be, no one else would.  I'm also trying to verbalize things I am thankful for.




They include:
Waking up alive this morning
A boyfriend, that while not romantic in any way, shape, or form, is still there for me, even if I can't really talk to him about some things. And, the fact that he is always willing to help me with Raven.  He's been more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was.
Raven, who while difficult, is still a great girl, and is growing up to be an awesome young lady.
My old job and my new job. 
The roof over my head and the food on the table

This isn't helping....

God, I wish I had someone to talk to......

Is There Any Hope Out There?

Don't let the smile on my face fool you.  It is there to prevent people from asking the age old question, "Are you okay?" 

No, I'm not okay.  I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now.  I don't think that I will ever be "okay".  But, I'm not leaving, either.  You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it.  Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am.  She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life. 

Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay.  I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay.  In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.

Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help.  I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now.  I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job.  True.  But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others.  I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential.  I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop.  Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream.  When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill. 

Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed.  The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it.   Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did.  Does post partum depression last this long if not treated? 

I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place.  Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am.  And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you.  I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks.  Apparently, not enough.  I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire.  Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!

The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much.  I'm still in the same state as before.  Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up.  I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to.  They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway.  Few local that I can really go to to talk to.  I move around too much.  Most of my friends are far away.  Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on.  Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on.  I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression.  And, I don't bother him with it.  

God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....

But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying.  But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....

Trail Series: Bitterbrush Trail/Marilyn's Pond

Today's hike took us to a place we didn't expect.  We wanted to hike to Church's Pond, but instead too an accidental wrong turn and ended up at Marilyn's Pond.  It was a beautiful pond, a short hike through the lower part of the Galena Recreational Park.  Even though the hike was short, the incline was rough on my out of shape body.  (Isn't this one reason I started hiking this year anyway?)

Raven and I thought we might double back and hike to Church's Pond, but decided to tackle that on another day.  There are several trails in this park, and we are thinking about tackling each of them.  There are several places to park for the various trail heads, so the possibilities are many. 

I tried to catch as many pictures of the fish in the pond as I could, but even if they didn't come out, the pictures of the pond itself are great.

I recommend the Bitterbrush hike for beginning to intermediate hiking abilities and dogs must be kept on a leash.  We even saw a few people wading in part of the stream.  It was a great day for that!

Pictures are below. For the definitive collection of pictures, please click here!

The trail map that still got us lost.

Galena Creek

Marilyn's Pond (See the fish?)

Raven enjoying the view.

We decided to do the Nature Trail another time.

I hope you are enjoying the Trail Series.  Please feel free to comment or send a message.  I love getting those.

Trail Series - Tahoe Meadows Interpretive Loop Trail

Today I decided that I needed an easier hike than Loch Leven.  And, I still ended up getting wiped out physically.  That's okay because this was beautiful, and easy and even Raven had a great time. 

As you can see from the first sign, this trail is only 1.2 miles long.  It is relatively flat, only a 2.5% grade around the trail.  What I enjoy most about this trail is that it is accessible by strollers and even wheelchairs if one is feeling adventurous.  In fact, there was a lady with a stroller on the trail today.

After walking a short distance, one can choose which way to go on the trail, the easier way, or the not easier way.  Either way you take will get you back to the original place (hence the word LOOP, lol).

Some of the most beautiful places in this country are found right here in Nevada around Lake Tahoe.  They say that pictures are worth a thousand words, so I will let my pictures do the talking for me.  Raven is a ham when it comes to the camera, so without further ado:

Tahoe Meadows Interpretive Loop Trail:

This map gives other alternatives to the trail.

With all the rain last week, there was
actually some water in the runoff creeks.

Raven wanted to be in most of the pictures

The meadow looks amazing after a rainstorm.

My superstar on the bridge.

Gorgeous flowers everywhere.

These signs were along the trail and gave valuable
information about the habitat and animals that live there.

A beautiful view of the meadow.

I'm always down to take pictures of
critters that will pose for me.

A very small, but interesting
waterfall along the trail.

I definitely recommend this trail to everyone, no matter what their skill level.

For those who wish to view all of the photos taken today, you can visit them here.

A Bad Place is Like a Cage...

... that is hard to break out of.

For me, this has been on of the most terrible weeks on record.  And sure, there have been other individual events that have had an even greater impact on my mind and soul, and even my body, but as far as overall mental state goes, this has been a fairly tough one. 

I got sent home from an event earlier in the week because of too much outward venting of frustration.  I don't know the extent of the damage that the episode caused, but I'm sure I'll find out when I talk to my boss, who said today that she will talk to me along with a few other things that I've been doing wrong as of late.  No one likes to be told that what they are doing is wrong, but it is a learning situation, after all. 

The thing is, that I already know that being sent home for attitude was a silly thing to have happen.  I have many excuses as to why that was the case, but none of them are valid because I made the choice not to shut up about the situation.  The sad thing is that in nearly three years of working with this company, I have NEVER been sent home from an event due to attitude.  That's the kicker. Just what was I thinking anyway.  I've spend the last few days condemning myself and I even had nightmares of a related sort because of this.  I am hoping that after writing this and talking to my boss, that I can file it away under lessons learned and not dwell too much on it anymore.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am capable of shaming myself far worse than anyone else.  And, I am rather hard on myself.

In addition to this travesty, I held some training in a place that it apparently wasn't allowed, but how was I supposed to know?  I even asked, and was given the okay, but apparently I angered the building owner to the point of her coming and screaming at my boss.  Now the boss is talking about rearranging the office to facilitate training space within the office.  I am not quite sure why I am so upset about this other than my boss being yelled at. 

I do have a few things to be grateful for, though.  It was payday today, and I was able to get my local account finally in order.  That whole fiasco was more depressing that anything else.  Watching over three hundred dollars go down the drain because of the alternator that I had to replace a month ago.  How the heck does the bank sleep at night anyway, charging $8 a day for one overdraft charge anyway.  Anyway, that's finally done and over with and I've made appropriate changes to the account to ensure that doesn't happen again.  That's one nightmare I don't intend to have again.

I was able to pay at least half of my current bills today, which have also been plaguing me lately.  At least I haven't gotten any disconnect notices, but it is still upsetting and frustrating that I can't stay on top of the most basic bills.  Which is why I have been devoted to finding a new job. 

Please don't get me wrong.  I do enjoy my current job, but with the hours being so sporadic, it is difficult to create a stable budget and such.  I would rather have a job where it was routine and predictable rather than sporadic and unstable. I would also like to have a job that isn't so hard on my body. 

It's been raining a lot this week, which has prevented me from going hiking.  I enjoy hiking and getting closer to nature.  I know how much my area needs the water, so I am ecstatic that Mother Nature is finally being more generous with the rain, but along with the rain comes inadvertent sadness.  I don't quite understand why the rain brings such emotions, but it does.  Making that choice to stay happy during a rain storm is difficult for me.  It is probably because movies have conditioned us to feel sad when it rains.  How many movies have funeral scenes or other sad scenes that take place during rainy weather?  A lot that I can think of.  Okay, that's a stretch, and it's my choice to feel sad, but sometimes, that's the only choice to make.

The sadness really feels like a cage that I am having difficulty breaking out of.  There are many locks on this cage, and they all require different keys.  It's as if I have all of the keys, but cannot figure out which locks the different keys go to.  Is there a map or a code or cheat sheet or something?  Am I missing something vital? I feel like it's something. 

I have a great relationship with Falcon.  It is true that it isn't perfect, but what relationship is?  We've never argued, but I can sense the unhappiness sometimes.  Or perhaps I am just deflecting.  I won't say that I'm always happy, but then, it isn't his job to bring me happiness all the time, right?

Raven frustrates me more often than not, but she's also getting to that stage where nothing I say actually sinks in.  I'm sure that it's only a phase, but just how long it will last, who knows.  She's a great kid, though.  She made my bed the other day, and it was such a great job. 

My dad helped me with a major issue that my car was having.  The mechanics did a wonderful job.  (Which reminds me, I really should write a review in my other blog about them.)  I haven't had any issues with the power steering since the replaced the hose.  I am grateful for that.  I do feel bad that he had to help me with this, though.  I should be able to take care of that myself.

I hate that I am way too dependent on others for simple things.  Well, some things not so simple, but still, I should be able to get through this life on my own.  I'm supposed to be some sort of independent female, but it seems like I'm always needing help with this or that, like gas for the car.  (Thanks for being there for me, Falcon.) 

I'm sure that some people will read this and think that there are people out there with bigger problems than this.  Of course there are.  I know that, but I don't care about other people's problems.  I care about mine.  I don't live others' lives.  They don't live mine, either.  So, it doesn't really matter what others are going through.  It has no impact on my life.

I wish I had the money for a therapist.  I don't.  So, I'm just going to have to work out these feelings alone.  I must, for the sake of sanity, figure out which keys go to which locks.  Eventually, I know that the cage will open and I will be free.

Introducing the Trail Series! LOCH LEVEN

I've been wanting to go for a while on a hike somewhere.  I did a search online to find out where some of the trail heads are around the area.  I found a page that listed several trails that claimed to be around Lake Tahoe.  I live very near there, so the trip wouldn't have been bad.  Instead, I chose a trail head that was on that list, but was nowhere near Tahoe.  Okay, I can forgive the misinformation about the location, and I can even forgive the terribly vague directions on where the trail head actually started.

What I can't forgive was the misinformation about the difficulty of the trail.  This trail was listed in a top ten trails for easy trails.  NO.  This trail was difficult for a beginner, which I am not.  I'm more of an intermediate hiker, and a bit out of shape, but I would not recommend this trail for a beginner.  With that in mind, I give you:

Loch Leven Trail (Located in Big Bend) Exit on the Big Bend Exit and go south and follow the road past the Lodge.  There is a gravel parking lot on the north side of the road with a restroom facility.  The trail head is across the street.  It is easy to miss (well, it was for me) so here is a picture of the trail marker. 

I'm no expert on hiking, so I can't give you any specifics on how much of a climb this trail is, but it goes up the side of a mountain, so, yeah, the climb is rough in spots.  I was literally rock climbing at one point!  That was a challenge for sure, but I made it through. 

I am sad to say that I didn't make it to the lakes where the real views are supposed to be.  I did make it to the pond area, which was beautiful in its own right.  It was shaded and had plenty of rocks to sit on.  (Hey, what can I say?  I look for practicality when hiking.)

And for those who say that I shouldn't go hiking alone, perhaps you are right, but it isn't as though there wasn't anyone around.  I ran into about half a dozen hikers along the way.  Most of them passed me by rather quickly.  No worries about that.  I'll get there one day. But, I was perfectly safe.  

There were several stacked rocks that acted as trail markers.  There were times that if I hadn't seen them, I might have gone off the trail.  Actually, I did end up off the trail toward the end and found myself on the road a bit.  Slightly off course, but no worries there.

 I remember the days when I used to take Raven hiking.  We lived in Incline Village at that point, and there was always opportunities to go hiking.

The only thing I was worried about was the unevenness of the ground.  Those who have know me for a while know that I sprained/broke both of my ankles (my right one twice) all within a year of each incident.  I don't do well over uneven ground, so I had to pay very close attention to the ground.  Especially on the way down.  It was easier going up than it was coming down.  Especially coming down the huge boulders that were in the way of the trail.  I almost lost my footing coming down, and that hurt my ankle a bit, but I made it without too much trouble.

I am looking forward to going on this hike again soon.  I know that I'll get in shape enough to make it to the top where the three lakes are.  Hopefully, when I get there, there will be water in them!  Either way, I know that the views will be beautiful.

Plan Z

So, as of right now, I am going to implement the tertiary plan that I have designed.  This keeps me in my current job, but I'll be able to get more hours and possibly be able to make a halfway decent living wage.  At least, when it is the busy season.  I am not going to stop looking for a job in my field of study or at least something close to it.  Or, at least a job that will be of decent pay. 

I have calculated a potential income of what this tertiary plan would bring, and honestly, it would bring more than working full time at a job that paid less.  Although, to be fair, I would have to work a minimum of 30 hours per week in order for that to be true.  There are weeks when that simply doesn't happen.  Then there are other weeks when there are a lot more hours than anyone can actually handle and still remain healthy and sane.  I need these hours, though, in order to begin paying student loans that are due and try to save money for a bigger place. Raven keeps asking when she's going to get her own room.  It's just not going to happen right now.

Such is the lot I drew for myself when I quit my job at the call center to take this position nearly three years ago.  Wow! Has it been that long already? Almost, but not quite.

Everything seems to be crashing down around me, and not bits at a time, but in whole chunks.  I would have been okay if it not for that alternator going out a few days ago.  But, now my account is severely overdrawn, I'm still not getting any real hours at work.  The hours that I will be getting paid for these past few weeks won't cover the overages in my bank account, so that leaves me with no gas money and no way to pay my water bill, which is already two months overdue.  If I had to choose an image to describe how I feel right now, it would be this:

My tertiary plan better work because if it doesn't... well, I don't want to think about what would happen if it doesn't work.

Please don't think that I am only focusing on the negative.  I am very much aware of all of the wonderful things I have to be thankful for.  Falcon, for instance.  He's been really amazing this past year.  Understanding, generous and kind.  Willing to listen and giving me a shoulder to lean on when I needed it most. 

And, of course Raven, who never seems to be out of ways to bring laughter into my life.  And, Falcon's life.  It is so funny watching them together and hearing him laugh at some of the strange things Raven says sometimes. 

I know that it can't rain all the time.  I look forward to the time when the sun shines once more.....

I Always Have a Plan...

....even if the plan doesn't quite work out the way I want.  I have not given up on the current plan, but I also have a backup just in case.  After that, I am not so sure. 

I am still confident that I will get this new job I applied for earlier.  I have yet to hear back on the other county job that said I would go testing.  So, I haven't tested for that yet.  And, I never heard back from the first job I did test for and got on the list for.  I wonder about that sometimes.  How much of a nag must one be in order to succeed?

It is almost coming to the time when I need to start looking outside the state for work.  I can't even keep my checking account in the black, much less have money to actually move somewhere for work.  And, do I really want to drag Raven out of her home once again?  Drag her to yet another state where she would have to start all over again? If it were just me, I would have put my other plan in place long ago.  But, it's not. 

And, I don't really want to leave Falcon behind.  We have been together a year this coming Sunday, and it's been a great year.  He would tell me, probably, that I should do what I need to do.  We had talked about me leaving to work in California, if that's what it took for me to succeed.  It's not that far away, after all.  Perhaps I should do that.  Bigger cities tend to have more jobs, etc.  I don't really care for Sacto weather, but I do have friends there still.

There is a lot swimming around in my head, not the least of which is giving up.  But, we can't have that.  It's not in my nature.  Actually, it is, which is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Giving up, that is. 

I think about what I REALLY want to do, which is to be a party planner, but I can't see how there's much money to be made doing that.  I wish I was more creative.  More crafty, but my aptitude for art is minimal.  I look at friends of mine, near and far, who are successful at doing what they want, going against the norm, etc.  I wonder what's wrong with me.  Nothing, they'd say.  Perhaps they'd say that I lack the drive or determination.
 

God, I'm getting too old for this. 

Even right this moment I'm researching colleges that teach bizarre things, such as stenography.   I think I'm going to do something mind-numbing for a while. 

I guess I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up......

Fate, Karma, and Faith

I had my second interview for a dispatching position.  The manager was really nice and we had a great conversation.  Most of the time I get really nervous during interviews, but today it wasn't like that.  Even when he asked me to tell him something about myself, I had no difficulty with that.  Usually that it the question that stumps me the most.  I am crossing my fingers that I get the position. 

We had talked about what the hours were like.  They aren't going to be four tens like I thought at first, but five 8 hour shifts.  Not a big deal for me.  Then we talked about the starting and ending times.  Eep.  Well, no matter.  I have coverage for Raven, even for the rest of school.  It is amazing how things work out sometimes. 

I know they will call me soon. 

It will be a grand new adventure.  I will miss my time at RGIS, but I learned so many valuable things during my time there.  That I CAN be a leader.  That I CAN be a teacher.  That I CAN be a positive influence in the work place.  Well, that last one I already knew, but it is a good reminder. 

Thank you, Universe.  Now, follow through!

What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up? Who Knows...

I'm frustrated.  Frustrated with my life, with myself.  I know that I have to be patient, but that patience only goes so far.  I look at where I am and think to myself that I should have been so much further than this.  I have a part-time job that is less than that at the moment because heaven forbid that a single mom can get any help with early morning daycare and have their kids to school on time and be to work at a decent hour.  Without early morning care, I do not have the opportunity for the majority of the work that my company does.  And, working night is out of the question on most nights.

So, I am resigned to finding a new job that is more compatible with my life, such that it is.  Don't get me wrong.  I really enjoy the job that I have now.  I even just got a raise a few weeks ago, but if I don't get any hours, the money means nothing.  As of now, I am only scheduled for one day for the next three weeks.  I'm screwed.



I had applied for a job at the beginning of April.  I never heard back after I got the test results back.  Perhaps they found the candidates they were looking for.  I was #19 on the list, after all.  It could be that they will call me soon.  I can't wait forever.  I need to get my life in gear.  I'm not getting any younger.

So, I went on the job hunt again.  I know about the law of averages.  The trouble is that for every two hundred jobs I look at, I might find one that I fit their minimum requirements for.  I really want to put this degree to good use, and so far it has been worthless.  So far.... I am not completely condemning it. 

Speaking of which, I actually thought about going back to school for another degree.  I want to do something with this world.  I looked at several degrees at both TMCC and UNR.  But, who am I kidding?  The degrees that are interesting and fall within my interest require so much science that it isn't even funny.  I barely passed high school biology and had to be taken out of chemistry my senior year.  I ended up in study hall instead.  I guess it was better that than not graduate due to crappy grades.  I'm not a science-minded individual.  And, aren't I a little bit old to be thinking about pursuing another degree that is just going to put me deeper in debt?

But, back to the job hunt.  I did apply for a few jobs today.  Local ones even.  And, I got an email back already saying that I get to take the test for one of them.  Since it is the same company for which I applied in April, I can only assume that it will be a similar test.  I guess this will be the chance to improve upon my score.  Or, perhaps it will be a completely different test.  We can only wait to see.  Either way, I really need to land one of these jobs.  And, I know how it goes.  When I do finally find a job, I will get calls from all of the other places that I applied to.  Thank you, Murphy!

What I do know is that my strengths lay in being the behind-the-scenes person.  Such as on the phones.  I didn't hate my job at Teleperformance, but I also didn't like being yelled at.  I can take a lot, but that last call was just too much.  It isn't something I will ever forget.  I do know that I communicate better when I'm not right in front of someone, such as behind this keyboard for instance.  But, for the most part I know that I can do well in any one of these jobs that I have applied for.  I just need a bit of fortune to get it!

So, wish me luck, if it pleases you.  I could use all the help I can get at this point. 

When There is Nothing I Can Do...

I would never be one to say that I have a lot of friends.  I have many acquaintances, and a smattering of those whom I would truly call a friend.  I mean, we are talking about less than a hand's worth of friends.  The trouble is that I live far away from all of them.  Except Falcon, but for the sake of this blog entry, he is not being considered here.  He's so much closer than just a friend.

One of my friends has told me that I am the one friend with the least amount of drama.  I try to keep it that way.  I try not to bring those around me into my own private hell if I can help it.  I'm not innocent of posting the once-in-a-while rant on Facebook that contains tidbits of drama.  Even here, I am guilty of posting much of my personal life for the world to view. In my real life, I'm a very reserved individual and only tell people things on a need-to-know basis.  Basically, if you don't ask, I won't tell you.

I am not without my fair share of depression and blue feelings.  I'm human, or so it was the last time I was checked.  I tend to deal with depression in my own way, choosing to keep it in until it goes away, and eventually, it does, even if the reasons behind the depression have not actually been resolved.  I simply remember that the world isn't ending and putting an early end to myself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (as the old cliche goes). 

But, most of my friends are not me.  They deal with their feelings in different ways.  Let's say that I have five friends.  3/5 of them are having some pretty heavy issues lately. 

And, there's nothing I can do to help any of them. 

In fact, they each live in different states.  This is what I get for moving around so much.  I get to see some really awesome parts of the country and make some really interesting friends/acquaintances, but when I move, I leave them behind, even if we keep in touch via social media. 

But I can't be there for them.  I can't wrap my arms around them when they need a hug.  I can't give them my shoulder for them to cry on.  I can't offer my ear for them when they just need to vent.  I have to wonder, what the heck kind of friend am I, anyway. 

Not a very good one, I'm afraid.  That doesn't lessen the pain I feel in my soul when they are sad.  Or depressed.  Or scared. Or hurt.

As I write this, I feel as if there is a large chunk of this blog entry missing.  That there was something else I was supposed to say.  I feel like I should apologize for not being there.  I feel like I should be able to do more.  If only I had the money/time to visit. 

Or, perhaps that is just me having an ego attack.  I'm not their only friend.  They have others who are there for them....I would hope, anyway.  I'm not the most important person in anyone's life.  I'm okay with that.

Chances are good that they might not even read this.  I have chatted with them via text, via messaging, via any way possible.  Even if I am not able to be there, I still exist. 

And I still care.

Pincushions and Needles

I briefly eluded to a potential job I might be getting soon.  On April 1st, I took an exam for the county I live in.  I've been waiting with baited breath, so to speak, about the results of this exam. 

Today, I got an answer.

I passed with an 85%.  I had to get above a 70% to pass, so I'm right in the middle of the range.  I ranked at 19, but I'm not quite sure what that means.  There were many who took the test that day, so I am not sure if there are many of us who tied at the 19th rank, or if we each got a unique rank.  If the latter is the case, then I am ranked fairly high.  The only reason that matters is because they take people from the list based on their ranking.  They said that they take people from the list as they are needed and it could be anywhere from six to twenty at a time.  So... I never know.  I could be getting an email soon!  And then, the hard stuff begins.  Interviewing, etc.  Wish me luck!

Well, keep me in your thoughts because I really need this job.  It is a great one with all the perks that one could need.  Great pay.  Great benefits.  The chance to do something great for someone else.  It couldn't be better. 

In other news, I spent some time in my garden today.  I planted a nice purple pincushion plant in the place where a few of the smaller flowers succumbed to the overnight freeze a few days ago.  It looks good, but odd with the other, smaller, flowers around it.  

I have several seeds in various stages of sprouting in my window sill.  I am not going to be transplanting any of them until I know that it isn't going to freeze again.   Live and learn, and that is what Reno weather is all about.  It does plan on being nice for awhile, so perhaps I'll reconsider the transplanting of the seedlings that might be ready.  I have several places to put them.  I don't want to rush anything.

My veggie garden is doing fine, I guess.  Nothing has sprouted yet, but it is still early, I think.  I did put some path lights on the edge because the rocks are really large, and I wouldn't want anyone to trip over them in the dark.  I can't wait to see what it looks like at night.  I'm just going to have to wait and see what happens as far as the sprouting goes. 

One of my watermelon plants didn't fare too well through the freeze and only one cantaloupe seedling managed to weather the freeze and the cucumbers didn't make it, but that's okay.  I'll replant those.  Hopefully, they do something amazing in the coming months. 

That's all for now.

Bring on the Spring.... Again!

I like the fact that we've had more snow up in the mountains in the last week than the entire winter put together (mostly), but come on!  I am tired of the freezing temps down in the valley already.  It has been so cold that my flowers are barely hanging on by a thread.  Sure, I guess that's what happens when one plants so early in the season, but it's April already.  Here I guess one either plants too early, or they plant too late to yield anything decent during harvest time.  No matter. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best.

Took Raven to the preseason Aces game.  For those that don't know, that's the minor league baseball team here in Reno.  They are actually quite good from what I understand.  I have only been to one game last year and I saw them before that several years ago when they were the Reno Astros.  That seems like forever ago. 

Well, the weather has been so cold as of late that I actually pulled out my scarf and my gloves.  I hadn't worn either all winter if you can believe that.  She and I shivered close to each other during the game and we only made it through five innings before we just got too cold to stay.  She and I were both wearing layers under our coats, scarves, and gloves.  At least it was a preseason game and we got the tickets for free from the Boys and Girls Club, so it wasn't a real loss. 

I just wish the weather would warm up enough for me to be outside planting my veggie garden.  You know, the seeds that really don't do well in container boxes because they need room or whatever it is.  My dad came over on Easter Sunday of all times and we rototilled a nice sized area in the front of my yard for a veggie garden.  The garden plot that has been there forever is still good, but it doesn't really get a lot of sun, so he says.  I watched the sun pattern for a while, and it looked fine to me.

Now I have to garden plots, so one will be for things that grow great in rows.  The other one will be for things that grow great in hills.  Watermelon, cantaloupe, and cucumbers I believe will fare well in the less sunned patch.  I could be wrong, but at least they won't take over the veggies! 

So, we'll see what happens...if the weather ever acts properly!

Trudging Along

One would think that after nearly 40 years, one would get used to the feelings.  They are familiar, and they are also horrible.  No one should have to endure them, and most of the time they are forgotten until something or someone brings them up again.  I've tried to get over these feelings, they are horrible. 

I'm still here, and I'll still be enduring these awful, depressing feelings until long after they cease to matter.  I've tried to grow my duck feathers, but this instance is not rolling off my back as easily as the others.  It's harder when it's family that causes it.

But, I refuse to take the coward's way out, even though I really want to sometimes. 

No. I have to keep enduring.  I have to keep making the choices that will keep me on this planet for just a little while longer....

I Already know I'm a Screw-up!

I don't need to be reminded of every time in the last thirty years or more that I have not lived up to you expectations.  You believe that I have spent my life lying to you.  You are misguided.  I have never lied to you.  Not once, about anything.  I'm pretty sure you taught me better than that.

Why have you never once given me any ounce of encouragement?  Why have you never once given me a compliment for something that I have done instead of focusing on things you think I haven't done? It is so very frustrating.  You make me feel like I should never have been born.  Perhaps that would be better than affecting your life so much, as you say mine does.  Heaven forbid that my life (MY life) be such a burden or affect you in a perceived negative way.

Why would you bring up things that happened so long ago just to try to make a point about things you think I'm not doing (even though I am)?  Most of thing time to these things you bring up, you weren't even there for.  You don't know my life.  You never once asked. NOT ONCE!  And, why would I want to relive my early years.  The years I spent being bullied and teased on a daily basis.  Never being taught how to combat those bullies or taunts in a constructive or healthy way, not that anyone ever listened to me about that.  Being told to quit being a baby and just suck it up.  What makes you think I want to relive any of that with you?  Why do you even give a shit after all this time?  It's long since done with and those who bullied probably don't even remember me, so who cares!

You believe that I am not keeping up on our agreement just because you don't see any evidence to the contrary.  Just because I haven't put the hose out doesn't mean that I don't know how to fill up a fucking watering can to ensure that the trees that I talked you into buying and planting survive.  I want to make sure they don't die as much as you.  Don't tell me that I'm not doing my part. What, you were there this morning.  Did you not see the multitude of weeds that I spent the better part of Sunday morning digging up and pulling?  No.  You only see the pile of grass/weeds that I left in the middle of the yard because I ran out of time to remove them and then forgot in the middle of digging up the other plots of dirt that were running rampant with other weeds.  No, you don't see the areas that have been taken care of and cleared.  You only see what was left behind.  You don't see the pots in front of the steps that have been planted with herbs and peppers.  You don't see the seedlings that are already beginning to sprout so that they can be planted in the garden when it is time.  You don't see any of this because you can't imagine that I might actually be doing what I said I would do. And because of the negative things you perceive, you think I am lying about the good things that I have done.  

I suppose that I would probably die of a heart attack if you ever gave me a compliment just once.  Or some encouragement.  Instead of telling me about the possible perks of a job that I have applied for, you could try telling me "good luck" or "I know you can do it".  I have never, not EVER, once heard those words from you.  How much negativity do you think that I can possibly take in my life before I completely shut down?  And when I said that I haven't had the time to look for jobs in places that you have suggested (as if I hadn't already thought of that, but thank you for the ideas), you tell me to make time.  Yeah, well, knowing that I don't have internet at my house with which to surf the almighty internet for these so-called jobs that are local isn't exactly happening.  But, while we are on the subject, I'll write here that I have a job app installed on my smart phone.  You know, that piece of technology that you don't have and probably never will.  I get it. But you don't know that I spend a good piece of time everyday searching out those job boards for jobs in my field of study.  And guess what.  The majority of the good-paying jobs are out-of-state, just like I told you on the phone today. 

And another thing... why the hell would you care about my life choice of being a 'minimalist' as you said.  I have merely said that I don't need a lot of things in order to be happy.  Why does that bug you so much?  As it is,  I feel like I have way too many things as it is.  I don't need things that I'm not going to use.  I don't need things that are just taking up space.  Actually, I don't need my emotions to be crowded like this, either.  I have never wanted to live so far away from you as I do now.

And by the way, I haven't asked you for anything in YEARS.  You are the one who offered what you offered after Tom died.  You didn't have to do that.  I would have been fine.  I always find a way to make it some way or another.  Someone else in the family is always amazed at how I manage to make something out of nothing.  And that isn't to say that I do not appreciate what you have done for me in my life.  But that help always seemed to come with strings attached.  And, I'm not talking about our current agreement.  What I'm ranting about has nothing to do with that.  You have been hanging past help over my head for years, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

And then you try to make our conversation lighter by further demeaning my life?  Does that really make you feel better?  Sheesh, I'm crying on the other end of this phone because I haven't felt this low in a very long time.  Does that make you feel better?  Just because I don't care what other people think doesn't mean I don't care what you think.  Those people that matter comprise a very short list, and unfortunately, you are on it.  And you wonder why I moved out of state six years or so ago.

Why is it that you simply cannot let me live my life the way I think is best for me?  Sure, it is not the way you think I should live, but so the hell what?!  You aren't the single mom doing the best she can.  You aren't the one who made these decisions.  You aren't the one who has to live with the choices I've made.  Guess what?  No one asked you to, either.  There's a reason why I have never come to you with life problems in several years.  Because there has never been an interest by you.  You give the appearance of someone who simply doesn't want to hear about my life.  Oh, I know you care, at least to the point of caring about why I haven't lived my life the way you want.  You never ask what's going on with me.  It seems like the only time you ever call is to degrade or belittle me with something that you think I haven't been doing or think I need to be doing.  I'm so tired of having those conversations.  We have VERY different points-of-view on life and that's fine, but you do NOT need to try to push you way of life onto me. 

We will forever clash, so I know it is going to be best to sever ties as soon as I am able to move on with life.  You know of which I speak.  Heck, you probably aren't even reading this, and that's okay.  I write this because writing things out is therapeutic for me.  Even hours later I am still so very upset and crying because of the words you said to me earlier.  Perhaps I will send you a letter telling you exactly how I feel.  I know I could never get it out without crying and getting upset, so I'll let you read every word, being clear and concise. 

Some who might read this might think that I am so ungrateful for the things you have done.  Without you I would not have been able to get the car I still drive, even though it is quickly falling apart due to age.  Not due to neglect as you might think.  Did you even notice that I had the windshield replaced?  Do you even know that I had to have $1200 worth of work on it in order to be able to keep driving it?  No, because you don't ask.  But you'll ask me if I've had the oil changed.  Or insist that you take a look at it when I come to visit.  As if I don't know how to make sure to keep it going.  And yes, I know how to change my own freaking oil.  But you are who you are, so I let you continue being you because I would never have you any other way.

No, actually, that isn't quite true.  I would ask that you stop trying to force your way of life on me.  I know I'm the family screw-up, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying to fix it.  That doesn't mean that I'm not working very hard in order to make something better for myself and for Raven.  But that also means that I'm going to do that on my own terms, not yours.  So as much as I appreciate what you have done and are doing, please don't think that just because of this that you can dictate the terms of my life. I'm certainly old enough to own my mistakes and learn from them.  Doesn't matter how many times I have to make them.  They will always be mine to make. 

Just remember this.  I haven't asked you for anything since the last time when you told me it would be the last time you would help me.  You are not the one I go to when I need support, either mentally or emotionally.  I have not asked for money from anyone since that time and neither have I asked for anything else of any kind.  I've found other ways, for instance taking out a title loan on my car once.  You weren't there for that.  You never even knew about that.  It wasn't your business.  Suffice it to say that you are not the one I run to when I have issues.  You aren't the one who has earned my trust enough to to go.  You are not the one that I believe has earned the right to hear my woes, my worries or anything else in my life because I believe that you will just turn it around on me and make whatever I am going through all my fault.  Which, as much as it might be, I also know that you will never give me any encouragement of any kind.  Well, I don't need it from you.  I've lived without it for this long, might as well not start now.

People reading this might think that this is a really harsh blog entry, and though it might be, just like you this morning, I feel like I need to get this out of my mind and out into the open.  Perhaps not in so much an open forum as this, but then, I've kept the specific nature of who you are out of the writing and only family will know who you really are, strangers will not.

The sucky thing is that I do not feel much better after taking a few hours to write this than I did when I ended the phone call.

I've never felt so much like killing myself as I do now.....