No, I'm not okay. I won't be okay today, tomorrow or perhaps even weeks or months from now. I don't think that I will ever be "okay". But, I'm not leaving, either. You won't suddenly find me dead by my own hands mostly because family would probably revive me and kill me again for having done it. Raven would be without a mother, although I'm sure that she would be better off with other members of my family who could provide a better life than I am. She was better off with friends in Idaho, but such is life.
Tears flow freely several hours of the day, but I shrug them off because, well, I have to portray the illusion of being okay. I might smile here or there, and that could be great, but it doesn't mean I'm okay. In fact, it's just the mask that hides the pain.
Thinking about the misery and pain of others doesn't seem to help. I know that things could always be worse, but for me, there hasn't been quite so much stress on a constant basis as now. I could be homeless, starving and completely without a job. True. But, I'm tired of merely surviving this life, and surviving this life dependent on the help of others. I'm tired of being where I am, without the means to support my daughter to my fullest potential. I'm tired of having to deny her even the most basic of things, like new clothes, even if they have come from a thrift shop. Tired of telling her that I can't afford to take her to the movies or buy the occasional ice cream. When I do spend even that little bit, I often feel horrible about it because I know that other things are not being tended to...like the water bill.
Right after I had Raven, I was severely depressed. The doctors told me it was the worst case of post partum depression that they had seen in a while and that I needed to get some help for it. Unfortunately, I had no way of getting to the place to get help, and I never did. Does post partum depression last this long if not treated?
I'm so tired of being rejected for job after job, or worse, never being called back or even called for an interview in the first place. Sure, I'm a little quirky, but I'm dedicated to my work, no matter what it is, but I MUST find permanent, full-time work soon or I fear that I might go insane...well, more than I already feel I am. And, depression aside, I'm actually an awesome person to have working for you. I've been putting in job applications everyday for weeks. Apparently, not enough. I couldn't even get hired on at Falcon's place of employment, and I've seen some of the people they hire. Just what the hell is wrong with me anyway!
The hikes that I have taken recently have not helped very much. I'm still in the same state as before. Depressed, worried, stressed, and simply in a state of giving up. I don't really have any friends that I can go to talk to. They all have too much on their plates, and I don't really have that many friends anyway. Few local that I can really go to to talk to. I move around too much. Most of my friends are far away. Sure, chatting online is cool, but it isn't the same as having a shoulder to literally cry on. Falcon's shoulder isn't quite welcoming for crying on. I don't think he knows how to deal with my depression. And, I don't bother him with it.
God, I wish I had what it took to kill myself sometimes....
But until that time, which I know will never come, I'll just keep trying. But if Yoda was right and there is no try, then I'm really screwed.....
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