Sometimes it's hard...

I have very little social life.  Some of that is self-imposed, some is ... well, I guess it's all self-imposed. I'm so introverted that being around people is just too difficult.  But, that's not why I'm writing today.  Well, maybe a little. And, I'm also very shy.  VERY shy...What a great combination.

This past week was Burning Man.  If you have never heard of Burning Man, you should check it  out.  It isn't for me. Too many people for my introverted nature and this year was exceptionally hot and those conditions are just not for me.  But, that isn't really why I'm writing, either.

I took many Burners to the airport after the week ended.  Many couples. Many couples who live apart for whatever reason.  I observed many goodbyes and it got me to thinking about how so very lonely I have become in the last few years.  I realized that I miss someone missing me.  Someone to come back to, to give strong bear hugs to and receive from.  At one point I had to wipe away a tear.

Like everyone else, I am filled with insecurities. But, for me, I am having trouble either accepting them or ignoring them in order for me to be more comfortable around larger groups of people.  It is strange because I have absolutely zero issue chatting up those who enter my car.  Why can't I take that confidence with me into public places?

I have tried the online dating thing. I even recently reactivated one of my profiles, but as usual, the only people that show interest in my profile are either way too young, way too old, or simply not my type.  It is difficult because I know what I don't want in a relationship.  And, I know what I want. I am flexible, but there are certain things that I have hard limits to.  Excessive video gaming is one.  I have been in relationships with guys that game a lot and it just didn't work out.  I won't do that every again.

I would simply love to find a friend.  A travel companion.  An activity partner.  A conversationalist. An uplifter of spirits. A motivator. A confidante.  A shoulder to cry on.  Someone I can leave notes for.  Someone I can uplift and motivate. Live life with.  Sheesh, now I just sound sappy.

So, my dating life is at a halt, as has been the way for quite some time.  And I can't stand it. But, only I can change it.  I get that. I think I'm doomed.

That does it. I'm getting out to sing tonight.

Perfection is Futile...

...
Or so I've heard.  I am a Virgo, after all.  And we strive to be perfect in all that we do.  I am reminded that my birthday is coming up, again.  I'll be a 40-something with so little to show for the last four+ decades that I just wish I was dead sometimes.  I have never really had much ambition in life.. well, actually, I had a lot, I just allowed myself to cave into the nee sayers that have plagued my existence since I was a kid who wanted to be an astronaut.  Well, actually, I realized that I had zero talent for math or science, so that was on me.  But everything else, pretty much has been doomed before it began thanks to the lack of support from, well, everyone.

I have had a lot on my mind as of late.  The desire to move out of Reno has dominated my thoughts.  It is getting to be very expensive to live here.  Housing costs have gone up, which haven't really affected me too much, but my desire to move out of the place I live in now is causing me concern because I cannot afford to live anywhere else at the moment.  The people here are awful, for the most part.  There are a few gems that I have gotten to know, but in all reality, I am a very lonely and bitter woman right now.  I have tried to reach out to meet people, but I am so awkward in public that it just doesn't reflect who I really am.  I want out.

I have considered several places in my desire to move.  I have to keep Raven in my considerations because she has already been uprooted more times than I care to admit, and I want my next move to be my permanent address, at least until she moves out on her own.  Places in consideration are Boise, Nashville, Denver, Sacramento, Spokane and Portland.  The majority of those places are even more expensive than Reno, but would be worth the move to be with people who wouldn't treat me like a second-class citizen. Or a backup friend. 

So, I think that I will end up back in Boise.  At least I know that there I have friends who enjoy my company as I do theirs.  I was happy there.  I should never have left in the first place.  There are a lot of things I shouldn't have done, and would do differently if given a second chance, which is what I am looking for right now anyway.

I try so hard to be a happy person.  An upbeat person.  There's not very many who can say that I am not this way.  Most of my riders (I drive for a TNC company) have been happy enough with my service that they rate me with 5 stars.  I value that input and always feels awful when I end up with less than that.  It makes me wonder what I did or said to get a less than perfect score from these riders.  Again, perfection if futile.  I cannot always make everyone happy.  Just do better next time.  But, I see my rating slowly slipping into something that is truly depressing and wonder if I made the right choice in doing this on a full-time, only job basis.  I will admit to having looked for other jobs, but my interviewing skills still leave a lot to be desired and I am afraid that no one will take me seriously or give me the chance to prove that I am a worthwhile person.

Sheesh, I sound really depressed.  Well, I am.  I try to hide that through cheerful banter in my car.  I try to hide those feelings from Raven, but it is tough.  I think she suspects that I am not always as happy as I pretend to be, and that makes it that much harder.  There are times when I do not want to be around anyone, especially her.  She is a constant reminder of how I fail, epically, as a mother.  She's such a great kid, though.  Growing up so fast.

I freaking hate my life.  I have no idea what it is that brings me happiness anymore.  Well, a really good plate of nachos is a start, but that lasts up until the first bout of heartburn, then I instantly regret that option.  Seriously, though, it has been forever since I was truly happy.  Going to club doesn't bring happiness.  If anything, it exacerbates those feelings of worthlessness and inferiority that I constantly feel.  Always the outsider among society's outcasts.  And that really sucks.  A good book doesn't really bring me happiness anymore, either.  I was told by someone I thought was a friend that I should read more philosophy.  She might be right, but who is the right person to read? Aristotle? Dali Lama? Hitler?  Or perhaps all of them?

I am a person of very little conviction.  Live and let live and leave me alone about it.  So much is going on in this world that I have no opinion about.  I know people who go and march against everything they can, which is fine for them, but very little changes just because someone marches.  A waste of time, if you ask me.  I'd rather be out hiking or listening to music or something.  And, it seems that things don't change with the vote, either.  Someone somewhere has predetermined where this country is going and who will be the one to lead us into the ground.  But, this post isn't about politics, which we all know doesn't make everyone happy...if anyone.

I have no opinions on things like religion or government or which football teams I think is the best or what style is cool or what music is considered good or not.  Besides, I am nobody and my opinions wouldn't matter to anyone else who mattered anyway.  Why should I bother.

I'm writing this to get things off my chest.  If you have read this far, then I thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so. I know, you probably want the last ten minutes of your life back, or however long it took you to read this far.  Sorry, no refunds.

People run in the race of the pursuit of happiness.  Just what is it that makes people happy?  It doesn't really matter to me. I just need ideas because I am out of them.  There are times when I feel like King Haggard from The Last Unicorn.  Nothing made that guy happy either, except the unicorns.  I guess I need to find my unicorn...whatever that may be.  I don't care for doing arts and crafts anymore.  I don't like cooking anymore.  I don't have the patience to learn how to draw although it might help me focus.  I suck at it though.  I have little imagination for ideas on things to learn.  I know, the sky's the limit, but my ceiling is only about six feet high.

I need help.  Actually, I don't really need help. I need a friend.  Someone local who is willing to talk to me about what's going on. About the weather.  About whatever.  When I was younger I had a lot of friends.  Ones who would hang out together, go dancing together or even to the movies or the mall.  Where are those friends these days?  I moved away.  That's where.

I am trying to pinpoint exactly when I became this bitter individual.  Well, the inferiority complex began when I was in kindergarten with bullies and I never recovered from that.  I'm still sensitive and I still cry at the drop of a hat, which sucks, but that's how I've always been. I really wish I had someone's shoulder to cry on right now.  Crying to my computer screen isn't really helping anything except giving me blurry vision.

I've always been shy, but now I'm extremely introverted as well.  I don't want to be around a huge crowd of people.  That's one reason I enjoy driving people around.  I get to talk to people in small groups or one on one and then I don't really see them again. My car is my safe space and I do feel amazing there.  It's hard sometimes because there are some who intimidate me to the point where I feel like I should crawl back into my clamshell, but I push through, somehow.  I think those are the people who tend to rate me lower than I feel I deserve, because I do try my best.  But, I can't make everyone happy.  Personality conflicts and all that.

I wish I could give up on trying to be perfect.  I know I never will be and it's depressing.  It is difficult to think that there are people out there who do not like me.  *gasp*  I wish I could say I don't care about that.  Well, I do.  I care a lot.  I care about whether or not people will show up to my funeral.  I have a feeling that not even some of my family would show up.  If my parents go before me, then I don't think that anyone would go.  My sister doesn't give a crap about me.  My brother and I are on speaking terms, but well, dammit, that reminds me that I forgot to bring his birthday card to him... grrrr.....

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  There are times when I wish I was dead. What have I done in this life worth being proud of anyway.  Not a damn thing.  I guess I'd better find my happy spot and soon....

Is There Anywhere...

... where I will ever feel welcome?

I'm an outsider among outsiders. My social skills are less than stellar and every time I open my mouth to say something, I immediately wish I hadn't.  I can sense others feelings toward me changing rapidly, and not for the better most times.  I try to be cheerful and civil and most of the time even a bit silly because that's all I know how to be.  But most times it isn't enough.  From coworkers who refuse to talk to me or include me in much of what they are doing (whatever, I have my music to keep me company) to the feeling that I just simply don't belong there in the first place.  I just do not understand my place in this world.  Perhaps I never will.  There are times when the alternative seems ever better, but I cannot take that alternative route. 

Friends are in short supply, as in no supply.  There is no one I can talk to.  None.  Zero.  Nobody.  Writing only helps in the short term, but being alone is not a long term solution.  And I fear that I will be alone forever.  I do not feel worthy of anyone. Not work, not friends, no one.  Not even myself. 

No one can save me. I can only save myself, but the path to that goal seems incredibly daunting and I do not know if I have what it takes to overcome these feelings. 

So, I offer these lyrics by Some Girl (yes, that's the name of the artist)

Save Me

You walked into my life and told me what you see
I thought I'd seen it there is no one left but me
Every step I take a footprint erased in time
Is it me who lives life in rewind
I come into the light
Where are your angel wings?

Look at me I'm not just some girl
Did you come to save me from my empty world

Oh, how the air changes from warm to cold
Sunshine to a cloudy day
You took my hand and it slowly went away
Did you look at me from the other side
Where are your angel wings
Can you take me for a ride

Look at me I'm not just some girl
Did you come to save me from my empty world

The time has come and here we are can you save me from myself
So take my hand and we'll fly away to a better day
The time has come and here we are can I save you from yourself
So take my hand and we'll fly away to a better day

A Month In...

...and I need new pants!

So far I've kept to my new year's resolutions.  I've lost ten pounds already and I've gotten my blood sugar mostly under what I consider to be control.  I haven't had any "red" draws in several days, and only the one in the last few weeks.  It was weird because I have had several draws right around 97-120, which is I guess normal, but for me cause me to shake something fierce. I guess my body isn't used to whatever is normal for most people yet.  And, I actually didn't take my medication for one night and one morning because the sugar levels were so low.

But I really do need new pants.  Most of the weight has been falling off my backside, in turn my pants are doing the same.. lol..

All in all life seems to be going okay.  Nothing new in the relationship realm.  I tried, once again, a few online dating sites, which cause nothing but headache for me.  People don't read my profile fully so I get a lot of really young kids (what else am I, as a 41-year-old, going to call an 18-22-year-old that thinks he's going to get lucky with me?) who like to send me messages.  Even when I politely tell them I am not interested, they persist.  I don't like to block people, to me that's just rude, but sometimes people don't take not for an answer.  And, I don't like to repeat myself.  I'm too old to have the same conversations multiple times...

I have had nothing but bad experiences. I was even stood up by a guy who was older than me (in his 50s, which for me is usually an automatic 'no'), but I was enjoying our conversation so I agreed to meet him.  Thankfully, it was somewhere I was already familiar with.  I get anxiety going to new places alone.  When he didn't show up, I checked back on the messaging for that website only to find that he had blocked me and was no longer accepting my messages.  Do people really do that?  Do they get their kicks on luring people out only to not show up and block them?  Get a good laugh on that did you?  It made me furious for a moment, then sad, then I turned on myself thinking I wasn't good enough, then I decided that it was his loss.  I dunno. I am about to give up permanently.

As much as I would like to think that there is someone out there for me, who will enjoy my company, have similar interests, enjoy travelling, etc, I highly doubt that I am going to find him here.  Oh well.

I am getting ready to go back to school.  I forget if I mentioned this in a previous entry.  I am going back to get my court reporting degree.  I will be able to do much more than just court reporting.  Perhaps get one of those close captioning jobs or something.  But, I'm tired of being broke and not really being able to do much about it. It's time I put my talents (such as they are) to good use.  I know I can do this. It's just a matter of making it happen.  The school didn't have their schedule yet for this year.  I'm not sure how long that takes to make happen, but if I don't hear something back by the end of the upcoming week, I will contact them back.  Yeah.  I have to make a change.  I can't live like this anymore.  Granted, I am surely not taking anything for granted, but there is always the opportunity to live better, right?

Our cats are fat and happy.  Well as happy as two cats can be, I suppose.  Klaus and Elijah fight like grumpy old men.  It's funny to watch Klaus try do defend himself and wherever he happens to be sleeping at the time from Elijah.  Klaus has no front claws, so he furiously bats his paws at Elijah and hisses at him during these altercations.  Mostly, they take place on my bad while I'm trying to sleep.  Klaus follows me around like a puppy.  I did mention that he is a big, fat, long-haired cat, yes?

Overall, they keep me company and Raven enjoys them very much.  They are HER cats after all, but there's nothing wrong with me petting them when they allow it.  Elijah is still a bit skittish and doesn't really like Raven much, but once in a while he will crawl up and lay on her lap. 

The weather here has been chaotic.  This morning it snowed and then it disappeared.  It flurried for a short time, then it stopped.  We are supposed to be getting a bunch more snow tonight.  Who knows if the school will start on time, be delayed or be canceled altogether.  I am lucky to work for a company who cares about its employees' safety.  Usually when the roads are bad, we are delayed working as well.  I guess they will just keep an eye on the roads tomorrow and we'll see what happens. 

I find writing so relaxing... it's why I do it.  Thank you for taking this journey with me into what I would consider my pathetic life.  I need more excitement. 

Care to join me?

A Week In

Well, the first week of this diabetic chaos has been enlightening.  I've been taking my medication, eating properly, and doing as much as I can to tackle the beast.  So far, it's been working well.

My numbers are down to the hundreds, which is good.  There are times when I feel like I've had to starve myself to get there, but that's not the case.  Things I've eaten are very healthy and full of flavor.  They just happen to be low in calories.  Just this week alone, I have lost 6 pounds.  I'm excited about that.

I will admit to having had soda yesterday. I took Raven to the movies and well, popcorn and soda just kind of come with the territory.  We shared one, though, and I didn't have very much.  I did get to see just how much (or in this case how little) my blood sugar went up.  Even with all that my sugars manages to stay under 200. 

2017 is going to be a great, but rough year.