2016 Can Suck it...

...2017 is going to be much better.

Well here we are, another year coming to a close.  So much has happened, hasn't it?  So many people have died.  Prince, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, just to name a small few.  I think that I am starting to feel like my dad did (perhaps) when all of his childhood idols started to die off.  Although, I honestly don't think they dropped as quickly (or as young) as a lot of them were this year.  It's been a rough year for sure.

Then there's the election.  I won't say either way my feelings about it.  I will just sit back and wait to see what happens. 

And then there's my personal life.  A lot has happened with that this year as well, which is the primary focus of this particular blog.  Many high points of the year, but several less than spectacular ones too.  I started a new job toward the beginning of the year. I am still there and for the most part I am happy there.  Sometimes there is too much drama for my taste, but my earbuds make that all go away for the most part.  What I really need is to find something full-time with benefits.  #1 New Year's resolution for me.

This year for Raven's birthday we obtained two new members to our small family.  A pair of cats named Klaus and Elijah.  Yes, we love The Originals in this house.  Suck it.  We rescued them from the local Humane Society.  I had seen a few cats in the visiting room before making my choice and I had decided that I was going to take home the first one that purred at me.  After all, they are in kitty prison.  Purring probably wasn't going to come easy.  I also wanted one that was easy going. 

As I was adopting Klaus, a very big, fat black 10-year old cat, I noticed on his description sheet that he had come in with his housemate.  I didn't want to separate them.  The shelter didn't want them separated, either so I was surprised that they didn't mention him.  I took Elijah without visiting with him in the visiting room.  He's a big 8-year-old orange and white cat that is still getting used to the house, but he's a lot better. I am definitely enriched to have them here. Raven loves the snot out of them, too.

Let's see... what else... Oh, we started the radio show, A Walk on the Dark Side.  Raven and I have had a lot of fun with it so far.  I do now know what will become of the show for now. I have thought about quitting doing it, but a lot of people seem to enjoy it, so I would hate to disappoint them.  We've talked to a lot of people, and I've met a few great people in person as well. 

Oh, some low points, the one that this blog is truly about.  Two days before Christmas, I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.  It's common enough, and it wasn't quite a shock to me.  I had been dizzy all week and my vision was blurry. I was drinking water like it was going out of style and I was in the bathroom all the time.  Classic signs.  I haven't told very many people, because I don't want anyone worrying. I know full well that Type 2 is reversible, and I fully plan on having this kicked by the end o 2017.  After all, it hasn't been that long and I've already made great strides in getting my sugar levels down.  Hell, the meter at my doctor's office only read HHH, which meant too high for the meter to read.  They really wanted to put me in the hospital, but I told them no.  Not on the holiday weekend. 

I've been taking those pills they gave me and checking my levels 3-4 times a day and the levels fluctuate, which is normal as I understand it.  Everyone's levels fluctuate during the day depending on what's been eaten, if there's been activity like exercise or something like that.  So, honestly, I'm not that worried.

I have only told my mom, Raven and Falcon.  I know he doesn't really care either way, but he knows that I will kick this thing as well.  My mom told me that diabetes was in the family. I wish I had known that sooner.  Not that it would have mattered. I probably would still not have done anything about it until it was too late.  Typical me.

It's really strange what the thought of diabetes will do to one's thoughts about food and life in general.  I quit drinking soda that very day.  Along with no more candy and basically no more fruit as that seems to spike my levels something fierce.  I've discovered new foods and a new fondness for black beans.  I even made black bean veggie burgers tonight. I never thought I would eat a meatless burger, much less one that I made on my own (with the help of ye ol' interweb).  I've been keeping track of my food intake for the last few days and interestingly enough, I've only consumed less than 1000 calories each day.  One might think that that is grounds for insanity, but I don't really feel all that hungry.  Perhaps my stomach is finally shrinking. 

When I went to the doctor, of course they took my weight.  So, not I have an official starting point, which I am not going to say here.  It's embarrassing enough, yes?  Just know that I plan on keeping a detailed account of what I'm doing from now on.  Perhaps not here, but somewhere. 

I just know that 2017 is going to be a way better year than any previous, diabetes and all.  It's time to get my ass in gear and live life.

Chaos, Depression, and Leave me the Hell Alone...

The last several months have been an internal nightmare for me.  Depression has set in more than usual.  Several factors have contributed to this latest journey into the abyss. 

Firstly, I work in an environment where it is sometimes hostile, sometimes not.  I'm sure that I'm the only one who feels this way.  As thick as my skin is, I often see more than is really there, but no matter how hard I try to be nice to people, attempt to talk, and have conversations, those around me pay me little to no attention at all. And, unfortunately, the words that do end up leaving my mouth bypass the filter so I usually end up offending someone or sounding like an absolute idiot.  So why even bother. In order to avoid this, I plug in my earbuds and listen to music all day.

This does not mean that I am oblivious to that which goes on around me.  So many times I hear conversations around me that are so hypocritical in nature, but I keep my mouth shut because why do I care?  I am not one to allow words to have more power than they need.  I do not get offended by words easily.  Call me whatever you want.  I couldn't care less.  But when I hear what I hear, it really chaps my hyde to think that you get offended by something that I have said, but then turn around and mock others.  It's innocent enough, and I don't care about that, but still... It's the hypocritical nature of the beast that irks me. 

I also don't like being ignored.  Another reason why conversation doesn't do me very good.  I could interject here and there, but normally I haven't been invited to the conversation.  Not that an open conversation requires an invitation, but I feel like such a scourge, a no one, a cypher if I may... nothing....

The second thing that has me really perplexed is that one of my friends, who I have know for over a decade, decided that we were no longer to be friends after I posted a response to something she had posted on Facebook.  What I posted wasn't even offensive.  Not to me, and not to anyone I spoke to about it after the fact.  I cannot believe that she would up and sever our friendship without so much as a word.  Why do people do this?  While this isn't the first time, or even the second, that this has happened to me, it leaves me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. 

After all, there must be something. Did I say something? Did I do something? Are we just incompatible now?  Did I not do enough to make you feel like I was your friend?  A conversation in the very least would have at least been good form.  But you know what? Screw me. I don't matter.  Does anyone really matter?

So often I have contemplated ending it all.  No One, and I mean NO ONE (except perhaps Raven) would even miss me.  I wouldn't be a burden on my family anymore.  I wouldn't be taking up precious oxygen that could be going toward those who deserve it more.  If it seems like I'm am extremely self-degrading it's because my esteem couldn't possibly be any lower.  No friends except those online and extremely far away, and even then, they are not really friends, but acquaintances no matter how much I enjoy chatting with them online.  They are great people, but I fear that if we were to hang out, I would just end up offending them and they would end up severing the friendship eventually.  Invariably it happens.  When people tell me that I'm no good for years and years it tends to not just break me and leave me without the foundation to build myself back up.  Am I hard on myself?  Yes, I am.  I believe we all are.  I have very high expectations for myself and when I don't live up to them, I get upset with myself. 

Everywhere I go, there I am and until I figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me, then I will forever be doomed to repeating the same mistakes.  I would say that the goingson in the last several months is not my fault, however as a friend of mine once said, "We are all 100% responsible for our 50% of the relationship."  This also applies to friendships as well.

I just wish that the other 50% would just talk to me instead of severing friendships without notice. 

I'm pretty sure that eventually I will be okay.  I have no money for a counselor or a therapist and honestly I am not sure that would do much good.  I have to work this out on my own, just like I do every time I get down and out like this.  I do, however, wish that death would come peacefully in the night....

An Update...

I spend so much time writing blogs, doing research for the two show I'm a part of that I hardly get the chance to write here anymore. 

The shows are going well although I have found myself slipping behind in my blogs for Erosion Factory. I didn't even get the ones out for this week, and although that's a bad mark on my part, I know that I will get to them when I have the time. Today, though I am taking time to write about myself.  I don't think that's too much to ask....

Raven is doing well. It's summer break, finally, and she is loving not having to go to school. I swear that this district is the last in the nation to take summer break.  They only get six weeks and begin the next school year in the middle of August.  But no matter. She's on break right now, and that's all that she cares about.

I've been really depressed the last several months.  I'm not quite sure why, exactly, but some of it might have to do with being lonely so much. I don't really have any in the way of friends that I spend a lot of time with, except for Falcon, and even then, usually it's only to see him before I take him to work. So rarely do we spend any friend time together.  I'm not even sure I know what that means anymore.  I don't have any female friends to spend any friend time with.  And again, I have no idea what that really means. 

I've been in a place of spiritual awareness, and realizing that I have gone back to my religious roots.  Don't worry. I'm not going on a bible thumping spree anytime soon, but lately I have been wondering if I'm on the right path or not.  Honestly, who knows.  But I do know that something has to change or else I'm going to continue on this emotionally self-destructive path.  I have no idea what it's like to laugh at something funny.  What is funny anyway?

I'm working part time for a background screening company. I enjoy the job for various reasons.  It's flexible, laid back and I've even gotten to start taking work home with me, mostly so that I can be home for Raven during the summer weeks when I'm not able to send her to the Club.  It's been nice and I couldn't ask for a nicer boss or coworkers.

This blog spent several days in "draft" form and I'm just now coming back to it. I've edited some things, but the gist of the blog remains the same. I haven't been able to kick these blue feelings and I fear that if I am not able to do something about it that it might end up disastrous.  No, I don't plan on checking out early, but emotionally this has had a horrible effect.  I've gained a lot of weight and it's just dragging me down even further.  Sure, I could maybe do something about it, but the motivation just isn't there.....

I'm sure this is just a phase, but honestly, the blue phases haven't ever lasted quite so long and I would really like to find a way to clear the negative energy.  I know I'll be okay in the end, but I fear how much damage my state of mind might be doing to Raven. I'm not motivated to get out of the house too often, not even to get her out to the park, although we did go for a short while the other evening.  I know she enjoyed that.

Erosion....

It's been a while since I wrote in this blog, but then again, I have been extremely busy.  For almost three months I have been involved with Erosion Factory Radio Show.  I'm pretty sure I posted a link to it in a previous blog, so I won't go into that too much here.  Needless to say that you can find it on Facebook (come on, I know ya'll know how to search that out.. lol).  But, my contribution has gotten more involved, I even have another blog that you might enjoy.  (Or not, if you really hate music THAT much).  Click here to read what I've been doing over there.  Don't forget to please vote in the poll.  It's so hard to get people to vote in polls.  Not sure why.  The poll will be a monthly thing and the questions will change and get more interesting and hopefully more fun.  I started out with something easy for now though.

Let's see...  I'm not sure if there is anything more that's going on.  My life doesn't change too much.  Well, I did go to Sacramento to see a few bands over this past weekend.  Diego's Umbrella and Abney Park.  Never heard of the former, but I've been a mild fan of the latter for a while now.  Let's just say that I'm really a huge fan of both now.  If you've never seen them before, then you really should do so.  They are wonderful, especially for those of you in the steampunk scene. 

I had to drive in the worst rain storm ever going over the hill.  It was scarier than anything else I have ever driven in, even the snow storm in Wyoming where the snow was blowing across the road and freezing everything.  But, Raven and I made it okay and we lived to tell the story. 

I'm still waging war on being single, but if the truth be told, there will never be anyone like Falcon.  If I could find someone with all of his good points and none of the gaming (video games) then I would be the happiest girl on the planet.  I'm sure he's out there somewhere.... probably not here, though. 

I have another interview this Friday for the same company that didn't hire me the first time.  If I am being interviewed by the same ladies as before, then at least I will know what to expect this time around.  Perhaps it will go better.  The trouble is that it is scheduled for fifteen minutes after I get off work.  I'm going to have to zoom quickly to be there on time.  Wish me luck!

I'm pretty sure that's all the updates for now.  Be sure to tune in Wednesdays from 3-7pm PST for the show.  I'm getting better at it....