The last several months have been an internal nightmare for me. Depression has set in more than usual. Several factors have contributed to this latest journey into the abyss.
Firstly, I work in an environment where it is sometimes hostile, sometimes not. I'm sure that I'm the only one who feels this way. As thick as my skin is, I often see more than is really there, but no matter how hard I try to be nice to people, attempt to talk, and have conversations, those around me pay me little to no attention at all. And, unfortunately, the words that do end up leaving my mouth bypass the filter so I usually end up offending someone or sounding like an absolute idiot. So why even bother. In order to avoid this, I plug in my earbuds and listen to music all day.
This does not mean that I am oblivious to that which goes on around me. So many times I hear conversations around me that are so hypocritical in nature, but I keep my mouth shut because why do I care? I am not one to allow words to have more power than they need. I do not get offended by words easily. Call me whatever you want. I couldn't care less. But when I hear what I hear, it really chaps my hyde to think that you get offended by something that I have said, but then turn around and mock others. It's innocent enough, and I don't care about that, but still... It's the hypocritical nature of the beast that irks me.
I also don't like being ignored. Another reason why conversation doesn't do me very good. I could interject here and there, but normally I haven't been invited to the conversation. Not that an open conversation requires an invitation, but I feel like such a scourge, a no one, a cypher if I may... nothing....
The second thing that has me really perplexed is that one of my friends, who I have know for over a decade, decided that we were no longer to be friends after I posted a response to something she had posted on Facebook. What I posted wasn't even offensive. Not to me, and not to anyone I spoke to about it after the fact. I cannot believe that she would up and sever our friendship without so much as a word. Why do people do this? While this isn't the first time, or even the second, that this has happened to me, it leaves me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
After all, there must be something. Did I say something? Did I do something? Are we just incompatible now? Did I not do enough to make you feel like I was your friend? A conversation in the very least would have at least been good form. But you know what? Screw me. I don't matter. Does anyone really matter?
So often I have contemplated ending it all. No One, and I mean NO ONE (except perhaps Raven) would even miss me. I wouldn't be a burden on my family anymore. I wouldn't be taking up precious oxygen that could be going toward those who deserve it more. If it seems like I'm am extremely self-degrading it's because my esteem couldn't possibly be any lower. No friends except those online and extremely far away, and even then, they are not really friends, but acquaintances no matter how much I enjoy chatting with them online. They are great people, but I fear that if we were to hang out, I would just end up offending them and they would end up severing the friendship eventually. Invariably it happens. When people tell me that I'm no good for years and years it tends to not just break me and leave me without the foundation to build myself back up. Am I hard on myself? Yes, I am. I believe we all are. I have very high expectations for myself and when I don't live up to them, I get upset with myself.
Everywhere I go, there I am and until I figure out a way to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me, then I will forever be doomed to repeating the same mistakes. I would say that the goingson in the last several months is not my fault, however as a friend of mine once said, "We are all 100% responsible for our 50% of the relationship." This also applies to friendships as well.
I just wish that the other 50% would just talk to me instead of severing friendships without notice.
I'm pretty sure that eventually I will be okay. I have no money for a counselor or a therapist and honestly I am not sure that would do much good. I have to work this out on my own, just like I do every time I get down and out like this. I do, however, wish that death would come peacefully in the night....
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