For me, this has been on of the most terrible weeks on record. And sure, there have been other individual events that have had an even greater impact on my mind and soul, and even my body, but as far as overall mental state goes, this has been a fairly tough one.
I got sent home from an event earlier in the week because of too much outward venting of frustration. I don't know the extent of the damage that the episode caused, but I'm sure I'll find out when I talk to my boss, who said today that she will talk to me along with a few other things that I've been doing wrong as of late. No one likes to be told that what they are doing is wrong, but it is a learning situation, after all.
The thing is, that I already know that being sent home for attitude was a silly thing to have happen. I have many excuses as to why that was the case, but none of them are valid because I made the choice not to shut up about the situation. The sad thing is that in nearly three years of working with this company, I have NEVER been sent home from an event due to attitude. That's the kicker. Just what was I thinking anyway. I've spend the last few days condemning myself and I even had nightmares of a related sort because of this. I am hoping that after writing this and talking to my boss, that I can file it away under lessons learned and not dwell too much on it anymore. Anyone who knows me knows that I am capable of shaming myself far worse than anyone else. And, I am rather hard on myself.
In addition to this travesty, I held some training in a place that it apparently wasn't allowed, but how was I supposed to know? I even asked, and was given the okay, but apparently I angered the building owner to the point of her coming and screaming at my boss. Now the boss is talking about rearranging the office to facilitate training space within the office. I am not quite sure why I am so upset about this other than my boss being yelled at.
I do have a few things to be grateful for, though. It was payday today, and I was able to get my local account finally in order. That whole fiasco was more depressing that anything else. Watching over three hundred dollars go down the drain because of the alternator that I had to replace a month ago. How the heck does the bank sleep at night anyway, charging $8 a day for one overdraft charge anyway. Anyway, that's finally done and over with and I've made appropriate changes to the account to ensure that doesn't happen again. That's one nightmare I don't intend to have again.
I was able to pay at least half of my current bills today, which have also been plaguing me lately. At least I haven't gotten any disconnect notices, but it is still upsetting and frustrating that I can't stay on top of the most basic bills. Which is why I have been devoted to finding a new job.
Please don't get me wrong. I do enjoy my current job, but with the hours being so sporadic, it is difficult to create a stable budget and such. I would rather have a job where it was routine and predictable rather than sporadic and unstable. I would also like to have a job that isn't so hard on my body.
It's been raining a lot this week, which has prevented me from going hiking. I enjoy hiking and getting closer to nature. I know how much my area needs the water, so I am ecstatic that Mother Nature is finally being more generous with the rain, but along with the rain comes inadvertent sadness. I don't quite understand why the rain brings such emotions, but it does. Making that choice to stay happy during a rain storm is difficult for me. It is probably because movies have conditioned us to feel sad when it rains. How many movies have funeral scenes or other sad scenes that take place during rainy weather? A lot that I can think of. Okay, that's a stretch, and it's my choice to feel sad, but sometimes, that's the only choice to make.
I have a great relationship with Falcon. It is true that it isn't perfect, but what relationship is? We've never argued, but I can sense the unhappiness sometimes. Or perhaps I am just deflecting. I won't say that I'm always happy, but then, it isn't his job to bring me happiness all the time, right?
Raven frustrates me more often than not, but she's also getting to that stage where nothing I say actually sinks in. I'm sure that it's only a phase, but just how long it will last, who knows. She's a great kid, though. She made my bed the other day, and it was such a great job.
My dad helped me with a major issue that my car was having. The mechanics did a wonderful job. (Which reminds me, I really should write a review in my other blog about them.) I haven't had any issues with the power steering since the replaced the hose. I am grateful for that. I do feel bad that he had to help me with this, though. I should be able to take care of that myself.
I hate that I am way too dependent on others for simple things. Well, some things not so simple, but still, I should be able to get through this life on my own. I'm supposed to be some sort of independent female, but it seems like I'm always needing help with this or that, like gas for the car. (Thanks for being there for me, Falcon.)
I'm sure that some people will read this and think that there are people out there with bigger problems than this. Of course there are. I know that, but I don't care about other people's problems. I care about mine. I don't live others' lives. They don't live mine, either. So, it doesn't really matter what others are going through. It has no impact on my life.
I wish I had the money for a therapist. I don't. So, I'm just going to have to work out these feelings alone. I must, for the sake of sanity, figure out which keys go to which locks. Eventually, I know that the cage will open and I will be free.
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