Looking Up and Seeing....

Well, the other night was a Blue Moon.  It was also a Harvest Moon, if I read correctly.  Some really take astrology stuff very seriously. I am not one of those, although, sometimes there are things to coincidental that it is difficult not to take it more seriously.  I am wondering if part of the depression had to do with the stars. Doubtful.  More likely it had something to do with my monthly cycle, the fact that I hadn't found a full-time job, or that Raven has become increasingly more interesting to deal with.  (She's almost ten and starting to assert that independence that most children start exploring with at that age.)

Or perhaps the depression goes a lot deeper than that.  Once, I tried to seek help, but without having insurance or a massive amount of money, I was forced to seek help from interns at a clinic in Boise.  The trouble with that was that the intern that I was seeing was only going to be there for a few more weeks and then I would start seeing some other intern.  I guess I didn't want to get frustrated by having to continually reexplain my issues every few months to someone new. 

So, I have been dealing with these issues on my own my entire adult life.  Sometimes I have good days, and sometimes I have horrible days.  I guess that is a part of being human.  We all have days like that. 

I haven't quite found the job that I want, but I was able to get full-time work in a warehouse.  Reno is full of them.  There never seems to be a shortage of warehouse jobs.  I went to a staffing agency, which for me is sometimes better because I really don't interview very well in the real world. 

The first assignment is only about six weeks, but that's better than the sporadic hours I have with my current job.  I actually kept my current job in case the warehouse doesn't work out as well as I had hoped, and will keep it even if it does and work it a few nights a week.  With Raven starting school in just over a week, it will be really nice to have a job that keeps me able to get her to school in the mornings and still have time to pick her up from the Boys and Girls Club before they close. 

Getting out of the financial hell I've gotten myself into is important and I believe will help me get out of that part of the depression.  It will take a few weeks, but once I'm out, I plan on staying out.  Isn't that always the goal?

So, on my own anti-depression plan, I take things one day at at time and try not to be so hard on myself.  Self-forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to achieve.  Because I'm so hard on myself.  If I don't be, no one else would.  I'm also trying to verbalize things I am thankful for.




They include:
Waking up alive this morning
A boyfriend, that while not romantic in any way, shape, or form, is still there for me, even if I can't really talk to him about some things. And, the fact that he is always willing to help me with Raven.  He's been more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was.
Raven, who while difficult, is still a great girl, and is growing up to be an awesome young lady.
My old job and my new job. 
The roof over my head and the food on the table

This isn't helping....

God, I wish I had someone to talk to......