When There is Nothing I Can Do...

I would never be one to say that I have a lot of friends.  I have many acquaintances, and a smattering of those whom I would truly call a friend.  I mean, we are talking about less than a hand's worth of friends.  The trouble is that I live far away from all of them.  Except Falcon, but for the sake of this blog entry, he is not being considered here.  He's so much closer than just a friend.

One of my friends has told me that I am the one friend with the least amount of drama.  I try to keep it that way.  I try not to bring those around me into my own private hell if I can help it.  I'm not innocent of posting the once-in-a-while rant on Facebook that contains tidbits of drama.  Even here, I am guilty of posting much of my personal life for the world to view. In my real life, I'm a very reserved individual and only tell people things on a need-to-know basis.  Basically, if you don't ask, I won't tell you.

I am not without my fair share of depression and blue feelings.  I'm human, or so it was the last time I was checked.  I tend to deal with depression in my own way, choosing to keep it in until it goes away, and eventually, it does, even if the reasons behind the depression have not actually been resolved.  I simply remember that the world isn't ending and putting an early end to myself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem (as the old cliche goes). 

But, most of my friends are not me.  They deal with their feelings in different ways.  Let's say that I have five friends.  3/5 of them are having some pretty heavy issues lately. 

And, there's nothing I can do to help any of them. 

In fact, they each live in different states.  This is what I get for moving around so much.  I get to see some really awesome parts of the country and make some really interesting friends/acquaintances, but when I move, I leave them behind, even if we keep in touch via social media. 

But I can't be there for them.  I can't wrap my arms around them when they need a hug.  I can't give them my shoulder for them to cry on.  I can't offer my ear for them when they just need to vent.  I have to wonder, what the heck kind of friend am I, anyway. 

Not a very good one, I'm afraid.  That doesn't lessen the pain I feel in my soul when they are sad.  Or depressed.  Or scared. Or hurt.

As I write this, I feel as if there is a large chunk of this blog entry missing.  That there was something else I was supposed to say.  I feel like I should apologize for not being there.  I feel like I should be able to do more.  If only I had the money/time to visit. 

Or, perhaps that is just me having an ego attack.  I'm not their only friend.  They have others who are there for them....I would hope, anyway.  I'm not the most important person in anyone's life.  I'm okay with that.

Chances are good that they might not even read this.  I have chatted with them via text, via messaging, via any way possible.  Even if I am not able to be there, I still exist. 

And I still care.