What Really Matters

It doesn't matter how much I try to smile, I usually end up crying once I'm alone.  I thought that I was at least a little bit okay even over two weeks since Tom's death. It turns out that I'm not okay with it. At all.  I still feel massive guilt over his death, and I'm not sure how to overcome those feelings. 

While I look okay on the outside most of the time, on the inside, I feel like death...empty and void...cold.

I've tried to surround myself with friends and even family at times, but the depression remains.  I don't have the money for counseling so I write.  That seems to help sometimes.  Getting it all out helps to release more tears, but there are other times when I wish I had someone just to talk to.  My friends are there, but it's hard to get the words out.

For now I'll just try to focus on what really matters.  Living each day, one at a time. And if that day brings sadness then try to focus on other things until the sadness goes away.  And, try to take my mind off the fact that the sadness might never go away....

There are days I wish my body was a cold and void as I feel on the inside....