Over a year....again...

Where to start.

The last year has produced some of the most diverse experiences of just about any year I have had.  Let's recap.

In October of 2017, Raven and I moved back to Boise because I took a job here.  I needed to get out of Reno badly as I wasn't "going anywhere" according to my father, which I would have to agree.  By that time I was driving for Uber full-time without a 'real' job to speak of.

The job that I took saw many changes over the last year.  Our lead was let go which led me to work 12-hour days for the better part of four months.  The stress of that sucked my soul away quicker than I ever thought possible. After that four months or so, they finally got some help and I guess they helped me right out of my job.  I was let go last Friday.

It's been almost a week and I have gotten one rejection letter after another.  I'm freaking out because of my massive amount of bills that are going unpaid, my rent that I am not sure that will be paid on time.  I just signed a new lease beginning in November, and to top all of that off, the rent went up by $115!  If I felt despair before, I certainly feel it now.  I have considered self-repossessing my car, which would help greatly as I upgraded it shortly after moving up here.  Big mistake on my part, but live and learn.  At the very least I am hoping that they will at least extend my payment by a month or so.  The car payment, that is.  I'm still stressing about my rent.

In brighter news, though, my son, Eagle (not his real name, by you all know that I don't use my kids' real names here) graduated from Navy boot camp and is now attending his A school to be a Nuke.  I am so very proud of him.  I just wish it hadn't been February in Chicago!  I hadn't seen that much snow since I was a kid living in Reno!

While I was there, some drama happened between myself and my older daughter, Butterfly.  To make a very long story short, she came to live with Raven and me for a few months.  While she was there, she got in contact with her biological dad.  I had suggested it.  She decided that she wanted to go stay with him in Washington state.  I agreed to take her up there knowing that her living conditions were not going to be the best.  Butterfly was 19 at the time and could make her own decisions.  I wasn't going to stop her from making her own choices.

And so, yes, she was there for a few months and decided that she didn't enjoy living there.  There were many things that were said that I will not repeat here, but suffice it to say, I will probably never hear from her again.  While that is my burden to bear, I cannot help thinking about what a failure I was as a mom/friend to her.  It was enough that I nearly killed myself over it.  Butterfly's birthday was yesterday, and I could not even say Happy Birthday because she wants absolutely nothing more to do with me...ever.

Moving along....

The last few months have been spent stressing over money, which is not somethin I usually do because I usually know that money will come from one source or another.  This is something entirely different, though.  I've never been, to my old failing memory, in a position where I couldn't come up with rent money, or food money, or gas money, or anything else that I really needed.  On the bright side, I know exactly where it was where I went wrong this time around.

Over the summer I traveled to Denver for their Gothfest.  It was exciting to see friends again and I truly hope to go there again soon.  Raven was able to come with me as the show was all ages.  She had such an excellent time meeting the bands, spending time with our friends there and seeing some of the sights of Denver.

Recently, we had one of Raven's friends come to stay with us for a few weeks.  Her parents were going through a divorce and her family was displaced from their home.  Her mom didn't want to take her out of her school while she worked so hard on trying to find a new place to stay.  I was happy to have her stay.  She was well-behave, and treated us everso much better than Butterfly.  While I wasn't sad to see her reunited with her family, I am sad that Raven will again be alone at home while I'm working.

I think that just about sums up the past year. It begins again with me again looking for work.  I am in the second phase of a job interview that will be conducted tomorrow.  This will be for a background investigation, which require 15 years worth of history.  I had a very difficult time remembering all the places I have lived and jobs I have had in that time.  I had an even more difficult time remembering dates.  I feel very bad for this background investigator because of the amount of digging he is going to have to do.  I counted 14 places I have lived in the last 15 years.  Yes, I know.  And that includes living in the house in Reno for four years!  Some places I only lived in for a few weeks or months.  Most rarely for years.

Filling out this paperwork has made me realize just how unstable my entire life has been.  I counted, one time, the amount of places I have lived since I was born.  Nearly 60!  Guys, I'm only 43.  And, I'm not in the military, and never have been.  *Sigh*  I feel like I am going to die never having spent more than five years in any one place.  Well, I just feel like I'm going to die.

I'm more depressed than ever before.  I have spent the majority of this week watching Netflix or movies checked out of the library.  I have no real direction.  I do have a few plans for what I'm going to do to become employed, though.  Plan A is to get this job with the county that I spent all this time on filling out paperwork for.  The downside is that it will take at least 2 months to get the background check finished, and with my history, probably longer.  I do not know.  Plan A.5 is to go to a local temp agency while the background investigation is being done so that I can at least make money.  (My most recent job put me in such a bad position by letting me go before I knew if I had the job or not....)  Plan B is to start driving for Uber again.  I went and got my Idaho driver's license finally, but I have to get my windshield replaced because it's cracked in several places.  It would never pass their safety/cosmetic damage requirements.

Plan C is my last desperate plan of attack.  My mother has offered for Raven and I to stay with her for a few weeks while I get back on my feet.  I'm so tired of having to "get back on my feet".  And, as much as I love my mom, the idea of living with her again does not appeal to me.  We are just too very different.  And, I would not enjoy the prospect of moving to Texas.  I also don't want to have to pull Raven out of yet another school.  So, you can understand why I would consider this a last resort.

My social life is still very nonexistent.  I haven't gone singing karaoke in weeks.  The last time I went, I managed to talk a friend into going with me.  He is even more anti-social than I am.  He's distrusting of everyone.  I think for the purposes of this blog, I'll just call him...  Bluejay.  He's a good guy, but we will never be anything more than just friends.  And online friends mostly at that.

I really need to find myself again.  I really need to figure out what it is that I really want to do.  I have had ideas in the past, but decided that I could never do them because I do not have the money to do so.  I have always been into the music scene in one form or another.  My ultimate dream would be to open a bed n breakfast for touring bands.  I'm not talking about famous bands who require 5-star treatment, although I would provide the best customer service/accommodations possible.  I'm taking about bands that tour that maybe can't afford $100/night hotels rooms.  How awesome would that be.  I dunno.  There might not even be a need for such a thing.  I'll have to ponder that more.

God damn, I feel like I've wasted my life away.....