It's Been One Week...(I Need a New Hobby)

... and I am having a little bit of trouble getting acclimated to not having to stress about homework everyday.  Or stress over due dates every Sunday.  This is the first Sunday in nearly two years that something hasn't been due (aside from the week breaks here and there).  I don't quite know what to do other than to look for a new job that may or may not keep me in town.  Don't get me wrong. I do have a plan for that, but since I am not doing anything about that until the beginning of the year, it leaves me with a lot of time on my hands that need to be filled with anything but sitting in front of my computer screen watching Netflix all day.  (I will say that I am loving The Originals and Vampire Diaries, though.)

The holidays are usually a time of being happy and cheerful and all of that stuff.  This year I am having rather mixed feelings.  It is the first year in two years that Raven is home, and I am so happy about that.  We bought a live tree for twenty bucks and decorated it with minimal ornaments.  We've made dozens of cookies and other treats.  Raven's birthday was earlier this month, so there were many treats baked for that as well.  She had a slumber party which was a lot of fun. I should have stocked up on Advil.

I have the best boyfriend in the world.  Falcon is one of the most amazing men that I have ever known.  Those that know me well know that I do not even believe in the word "man" because true men have been few and far between in my life.  But, he is intelligent, supportive, and as one friend put it, a "keeper".  While I struggle with my own demons, he has been there to be silently supportive throughout those struggles. 

I do have a few things that have been filling my time, such as things for work.  I had also planned on starting work out more, but it seems that I haven't been motivated to do much about that for now...  I need to work on that.  I guess I will have to enter the time on my calendar if I want it to actually get done.

Maybe I will invest in a new sewing machine.  I used to have one, but it was damaged and I have no idea what happened to it after that.  I many patterns that I could try out and I have been wanting a new wardrobe anyway.

Oh well. I know that when I finally get tired of being tired then change will happen.  No one else is going to make those changes for me.

::endtransmission::

8 Days and Counting or My College Education Story

I'm sure that I have written about the fact that I am in school at least once or thrice before.  Well after twenty some years, I will be finally done with school in eight days.  December 14, 2014 is the last day of torture, hell, stressing over missing assignments, researching for what some would consider meaningless papers and missing out on time with my daughter, Raven.  Finally. Over.

It has been a very long road that began right after high school in 1993.  I began this journey at Lassen College in Susanville, Ca.  I played softball for their team while I knocked out some core classes.  That year was okay, but I decided that I would give school a break.  Well, I gave it a break for a lot longer than I had intended. 

I tried to go back for a short stint at American River College in Sacramento, Ca, but that lasted less than a semester.  I don't recall why I gave up on that, but I suspect it had something to do with being pregnant with my son. 

It wasn't until 2003 (if memory serves, which sometimes it doesn't) that I went back to school again for real.  I was studying Audio Engineering as Sacramento City College.  I was doing very well.  Things happened and so I moved back to Reno thinking that I could finish this degree at one of the colleges there.  I couldn't, so I gave up for many more years.

Then Raven was born.  I decided that I needed to go back to school.  I signed up for Kaplan University and was in their Bachelor's program for Business.  The strange thing was that none of my previous credits transferred to that school.  Oh well.  I took several classes over again.  I was in that program for two years.  Raven was at the hand of neglect for a while when I was on my own because school was taking over.  I decided it was time to drop out.

And then a year-and-a-half ago I was encouraged by a friend in Boise to go back to school.  I researched programs that I thought I would like.  I didn't want to go back into business because I knew that wasn't for me.  My first choice was Forestry, which I would still like to learn, but at the time I didn't want to move to a campus that was five hours or so outside of Boise.  I decided to pursue the current degree I am working on, Bachelor's of Science in Criminal Justice with an Emphasis on Case Management and Corrections from American InterContinental University Online.  Happily, yet strangely enough, 65.5 credits from the three previous colleges transferred to this school.  Makes me wonder why those credits from the two junior colleges didn't transfer to Kaplan.  AIU and Kaplan are accredited by the same people.  It didn't matter.  As long as I didn't have to take math or English again. ;)

Raven had since come back to live with me this past July, and I knew that she would spend many hours alone while I studied.  I have done the best I could to ensure that she understood why I was always on my computer and not spending time with her.  For the most part, she understood and has had a cheery disposition about it.  She is excited, needless to say, about the fact that Mommy won't have to do anymore homework after next weekend. I am looking forward to making up for lost time, if that is even possible.  It isn't as though we have not spent any time together, but I know that I will be able to spend more, and that makes this whole thing worth it. 

I also have to give my thanks to Falcon.  Without him, I would be spending a lot more time in the library using their internet and leaving Raven to her own devices there.  That wasn't something that I was prepared to do.  He has been instrumental in ensuring that she hasn't gone neglected during my times of study over at his place.  He has really taken us both in.  We have spent numerous nights at his apartment so that I could wake up early and get homework started or finished, sometimes both.  He has been supportive in my desire to finish school once and for all.  Without his support and the support of friends from Boise and from my parents, I would not have been able to finish.

Honestly, I know that college isn't the end of learning.  It isn't the end of researching or of study.  If one decides that they have learned all they can or need, then what is the point of continuing to live?  Life is about new experiences and of new challenges.  Who knows?  Perhaps one day I will go back to school and study forestry as I wanted to in the first place. 

I had given up many times.  I shouldn't have.  If I could give any advice to anyone in school it would be to never give up, no matter how hard it gets.  Or:

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

When Enough is Certainly Enough!

I sometimes consider myself a normal individual.  I guess that depends on your definition of normal.  I'm a single mom.  I work.  I go to school online.  I have an awesome boyfriend without whom I would have become worse than a wreck a while ago.  I have family members who care about me and who have helped me time and again when I chose the wrong path in life more than thrice.  

But, these past few weeks have really tested my stress levels.  Work has been extremely busy.  I am a team lead where I work and I run a very specific set of stores who happened to need all of their stores nationwide done in September.  Obviously, I'm not working outside my district, but to give you an idea of how much work has been going on, I've been doing two stores a day, Monday through Friday for the last two weeks.  Because I don't work on weekends, my coworkers have been going with another team lead on Saturdays to knock out two stores as well.  There is at least one other team in my area also doing these runs on top of everything else.  Yes, it has been very busy.

So, Raven has been left home a lot in the mornings and afternoons.  We will just say that that strain has created a lot of stress for her at school, and I got into trouble for leaving her home alone before and after school.  Well, this was serious enough for me to nearly have to quit my job.  I fixed the after school issue, but the before school issue isn't as easily fixed.  There just isn't anything early enough on the days I work to take her to.  So, I have had to cut back on my hours significantly.  I'm not sure exactly what I am going to do because there isn't really much work for the hours that I am available for right now, and it is going to end up becoming even more stressful.

In addition to everything else, school work has fallen drastically behind.  Why am I then writing this?  Because I really need to get this out of my system and writing about it definitely helps.  It's therapy for me, so suck it.  This is the last week of the term, thank goodness, and it has come down to being the most behind in homework I have ever been.  It isn't because I was slacking off or doing other things.  Work has just kept me that busy.  Well, because everything that happened with me getting into trouble, I had to take today and Friday off, and yesterday, too.  I did manage to get a bit done, and I will be diving straight into it after I finish this.

I am not liking this imbalance that has crept up into my life.  I am a huge fan of balance, but for now there is a great imbalance.  Raven and I had a short talk about not allowing oneself to never have personal time.  I have done the best I an to make sure that she has her own space in the house we live in, which is a one-bedroom.  I have begun to create her art space out in one of the sheds.  So far it is looking great.  But, what about my personal space?  I'm a strong individual, but there are times when even I need to have space to be alone to cry in peace and cleanse my soul.  Even the strongest of people need that time to themselves.  Who do the strong lean on in their time of need?

Right now my shoulder to cry on has been Falcon.  If it weren't for him and his nonjudgmental nature, I would have crumbled or probably been arrested by now.  He never made me feel bad or told me that I should have known better (even though I know I should have known better) and he has always been on my side.  He's just that kind of man.  I am very fortunate to have him in my life.

So, knowing that all things pass in time, I have done what I can to fix the issues, and I have to move on from here.  I am not going to ask what else could go wrong because the Universe would certainly let me know!

School, Health and Halloween

Well, Raven is in school and the first week was interesting.  We tried very hard to get some sort of routine going, but with my work schedule it just isn't possible to get anything concrete.  I will be very glad when school is over for me and I am able to get a more regular job, even if that job requires me to work graveyard shift.  At least it will be something more stable.  At least, that is the hope. But, I can say that she is finally able to get to and from school without help.

I could not do much of this without Falcon's help.  He has been there for me whenever I have needed him.  Whether it be an ear for me to vent to, or a body to wrap weary arms around, or to help me smile with his silly jokes.  He and Raven get along really well, and even though I suspect that she tries his patience once in a while, they have really started to bond a little.  At least, that is what it looks like to me. 

I am so close to finishing this degree that I can almost taste it.  Only two more terms after this one, and I will be so very ready to not have to do homework everyday.  I am grateful for a week's break between the current and next term.  My work schedule has also tripled as of this week, at least for the next three weeks, so getting everything done, spending time with Raven AND having some personal time is going to be difficult.  Falcon has got to be one of the most patient men I have ever known, and he has had to remind me occasionally of where my priorities actually lay and that he cannot be at the top of the list no matter how much I want him to be, right after Raven, of course. 

Health has to come first.  So far, I have been able to maintain somewhat free of colds and such.  I usually get really sick at least once per year. I hope not to this year.  Next comes Raven.  And then comes homework.  THEN comes Falcon.  Well, yeah. That seems kind of harsh, but as long as everyone/thing on the list gets their turn, then I'm good with that.  Raven has also been very understanding about homework and such that I have to get done before we can spend time together.

I will say that I have been putting some things off until the next day in order to spend more time with my family.  On Friday night Falcon took Raven and I to the Reno Ace's ballgame and we watched them beat the Vegas 51s.  It was a good game.  I hadn't been to an Ace's game for several years.  Not since I lived here last time and the park was not downtown at that point.  I had a really great time, but of course came home to a mound of homework that didn't get finished.  It doesn't matter to me. I need to try to keep balance in order.  I fear that the balance is going to become unbalanced this coming week.

Work has been going well even if it has been slower for me. I told my boss that I am not willing to work nights or weekends because I am not willing to pay for daycare for this job.  It is so chaotic that working at night would mean high daycare fees and I don't even want to get started with weekend rates!  So, for me the hours have been sparse, which is good for getting homework done, but not so much so for the pocketbook.  Lame, isn't it?  We work like dogs to make money, but don't have the time to spend it.  Or we have lots of time on our hands and no money to spend.

I do have my favorite holiday coming up soon.  Halloween.  For most of the nation it isn't considered a "holiday", but for me it's also Nevada Day.  I remember getting October 31st off every year from school because it's the day Nevada became a state.  I guess the powers that be have decided to mutilate this day into a three-day weekend like Labor Day (Why the heck do we celebrate that anyway?) or Memorial Day.  But otherwise, it's the most awesome time of the year.  Get dressed up, take Raven trick-or-treating.  Remember ancestors who have passed on.  It is Day of the Dead time after all.  When I lived in Reno last time, we threw a huge Halloween party. I live on that same property, and I am considering having another party.  Who knows, though.  We'll see.

My birthday was on the 29th.  It was a decent day.  I went to karaoke with Falcon which was nice.  I don't usually celebrate my birthday, but when I do, it's usually going out to sing.  I think next year I am going to throw a huge party, though.  It's a milestone birthday, and I want it to be excessively awesome.  Falcon's birthday is coming up in less than a week. I want to do something really awesome for him, but the thing I wanted to do isn't going to happen because I have to work on the night that it was going to happen.  Soooo... I don't know what's going to go down now.  He doesn't really like big parties, and he doesn't like surprises, but neither of that is going to stop me from attempting to do something sweet.

I suppose that is it for now. 

::endtransmission::

Raven Comes Back to the Nest!

It's been a mixed emotional first few days.  Oh, didn't I mention it? Raven has come home!  Went to pick her up over the weekend and so far it has been interesting.  She stayed with friends for the last two years while I was getting things put back together.  So, we have to get used to each other again.  I can be very demanding and at times overly protective and it can be rough on her.  I have to remember that she is someone with her own feelings, ideas and dreams and goals.  That's not the hard part, but I'm not the most patient mom in the world. 

I'm trying, though. 

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to juggle work, school and Raven, and while she's not in school, it's been okay, but what about when she starts school?  The last thing I want is for her to end up a latchkey kid.  She deserves better than that especially since she will be going from a family where she had two siblings to spend time with to going to me where she has no one else to spend afternoons with.  Fortunately, my schedule isn't so heavy that I work every day and I don't work weekends or evenings, but still.

I guess I can only do just so much.  I've really been freaking out over the last few days.  I gotta thank my cousin for getting my head straight..lol....

I just want to be a good mom to Raven.  She deserves at least that much.

Six Months, but Not Really Counting...

So many things have been going on in the last few months that today's writing just happens to coincide with six months after Tom's death.  I know I promised that I wouldn't write about him anymore, but I still think about him once in a while and even less frequently, I still cry.  But, I have actually moved on and found someone great.

For purposes of this blog, I will refer to him as Falcon.  He's such a great man.    We met seven weeks ago while singing karaoke.  Well, I was singing. I don't think he sang that night.  I was sitting at the bar and he and a friend of his sat in the spaces to my left.  The details have become a bit blurry, but we started talking and it was so comfortable.  We've been together ever since and honestly, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Honestly, I hope it never does.

It is amazing at how much alike the two of them are.  They both enjoy the wonderful world of music.  They both play drums and have amazingly detailed knowledge of musicians that people just shouldn't know.  While Falcon is a phenomenal drummer, he is also a great guitarist.  I enjoy listening to him play.  I swear that Tom was there in spirit guiding Falcon to that chair that night seven weeks ago.  And, if he was there, I will always be grateful.  I'm grateful even if it's all in my head.

Falcon has brought out a lot of things that I had buried deep inside.  It was amazing how easily we clicked and I was able to talk to him about anything and everything.  He was just as open with me and I will tell you that I am very rarely open with anyone about anything.  Ultimately, I tell people things on a need to know basis.  I'm still that way with most, but with Falcon, I am completely open.  I really like that.

We have a lot in common including our passion for music.  Although he is more into classic rock (or so it seems), he has been very open to listening to music that I have played for him, and he even likes a lot of it, but that is how open-minded he is.  I think that is someone I have really been needing over the last several months.  Someone who is okay with the me I really am, with the me that is imperfect and the me that is sometimes chaotic, yet loving. 

I love where this is going and I look forward to the next adventures with him....

Missing Home, But Don't Want to Leave

I've been on vacation for the last few weeks in Baltimore, Maryland.  This is just a precursor to what I will be posting about my trip when I do get home.  I took the Amtrak train here, but I will be taking a plane and a Greyhound bus home.  I wanted to stay a few extra days and I didn't really want to spend three days on the bus again.. lol...

But as for the trip itself, I will be posting picture collages and another blog entry about the trip.  I am seriously considering moving here.  There is so much to do and the weather, crazy as it was, is completely beautiful.  I could get very comfortable here. 

More to come...

Stay tuned.

Birds of a Feather...

Last night was very warm and for the first time this season I slept with my windows open. I enjoy the warm breeze in the evening that comes to clear my house of negative energy replacing it with the energies of the earth around me. And the earth surrounding me is very peaceful indeed.

I awoke this morning to the sounds of birds chirping and they were so loud that they sounded like they were right outside my window. As it turns out, they were. There was one ordinary bird attempting to build a nest under the awning over my bedroom window.

I quietly watched him for several minutes being careful not to make any noise to scare him away. I watched as the twig he carefully laid down fell to the ground. Unperturbed by this, I watched as he flew down, picked it up and brought it back to the very shallow ledge upon which he was trying to start his nest.

I watched again as the twig fell back down to the ground. Still not bothered by this, I observed this determined winged friend fly back down and attempt to reset the twig in his new home. For several minutes I watched this bird. And for several minutes this bird attempted to set the same twig.

I decided to quietly go and get my camera so to capture the moment, but my movement scared the poor little thing away. I took a few pictures of his progress and will continue to do so if he decides to go back and finish.

As with anything else, I always try to find the parallels to things such as this in my own life both vanilla and lifestyle. The lesson learned from this determined feathered friend is to never give up...

Even if someone scares you away....

Rome Wasn't Built in a Day...Or Even a Few!

As profound as you think this journal entry might end up being, it really has all to do with my garden and yard.  As those of you who have been following my blog know, I moved into what I lovingly call "The Family House".  It's property that has been in the family since the house was built by my great-grandmother in 1938.  The back house, which I live in, was built some time in the '60s.  It's a great parcel located in a very old part of town just outside downtown.  I've lived here before and also in the front house as well, so I know this yard fairly well.

Over the years tenants have basically destroyed and/or degraded the land, breaking sprinkler heads, letting plants die, that sort of thing.  A long time ago there was a fish pond in the back that had fish in it when I was a kid.  One day that will be restored as well.  Needless to say that the yard needs some serious work, and my dad and I have been working tirelessly to bring it back into splendor.

I came home last week to find that Dad was having some trees felled.  One was right against the front house which was wreaking havoc on the sewage system which is older than the hills.  Tree roots get into things and well, it's just a pain and very expensive to replace, sooo... away it went.  He also had the peach tree cut down.  Most of the branches were dead and not producing anything anyway.  Dad had some second thoughts AFTER it was cut down, but that's okay.  The new trees going in will be a large improvement over the old ones.  And healthier, too!

I've been out to dig holes for the trees, and so far we've gotten the cherry tree planted.  For those who are thinking that I need TWO cherry trees in order to produce cherries, fear not, we got a self-pollinating tree which will produce cherries on its own. The other three trees are a peach, a Gala apple and a Honeycrisp apple.  I tasted a Honeycrisp apple the other day and wow! they taste like sweet tarts.  Yum!  Galas are excellent, too.

So, I was out digging the second hole, for possibly the Gala tree and I hit a huge rock.  The trouble with this yard, and all of the surrounding areas was that they were under the river hundreds of years ago, so there are hundreds of rocks around the yard. Some of them are HUGE and some of them are microscopic. Such examples of the larger rocks are the ones around the fish pond and bamboo. Other examples include the others that line the yard, but suffice it to say that not one single rock was brought in from an outside source. So, the rock that I hit while digging the hole for the tree is probably one of the medium sized ones that we use to line things with. Hopefully I can get it out of the hole.

I got tired of trying to dig the rock out, so I went on to other things.  Like staining the tea house.  Dad built it several years ago after the one that was there previously had degraded to the point of needing replacement. That's the way things go though.  The tea house has certainly seen better days, and it wobbly in some parts, but the nice coat of stain that I have been applying for the last few days is looking really nice.  It won't solve the wobble, but as long as people don't try to sit on the sides, then there's nothing to worry about.  It will look really nice, though.

In addition to trees and staining the tea house, I have set about planting seeds in the seed greenhouse starter kit. Most of the seeds have sprouted and I am looking forward to planting them in various parts of the yard.  This year's list of seeds includes pansies, orange and yellow marigolds, balloon flowers, strawberries, canteloupe, green onions, petunias and a few others that escapes my mind right about now.  They won't be ready to transplant for a few more weeks at least, but when I do, the yard will look a lot better.

My dad likes to cheat a little when it comes to some plants. He bought a flat of strawberries and rototilled a patch to plant them in.  I planted them and the strawberry patch looks good.  The strawberry seeds that I have planted will go elsewhere in the yard.  He also purchased three blackberry plants that I haven't gotten around to planting yet.  The area where they are going needs to be worked over and the plastic under the dirt needs to be moved. Anyway, that area is going to be known as the Berry Patch.  Definitely into berries, my dad.

I have designated an area to be designed as a more "romantic" spot. I have planted beautiful bulbs in a nice pattern.  They are not slated to pop up and bloom until the summer, so hopefully they do. I also have plans to put in a nice wrought iron bench and a lamp of some sort. It will be really pretty once it's done.

Oh, and let's not forget about the grapes.  I planted them a while ago and so far, nothing, but I have faith and they will do something soon.  I have been staining the tea house so that they will have a beautiful place to trellis.  Yeah.. that will be nice!

So, that is just some of the updates as to the goingson  regarding my garden of 2014.  More updates as more things pop up.  Hopefully the yard will get more beautiful as time goes on and all the hard work will pay off.

Weebles Wobble, but They Don't Fall Down!

It's taken a while to get this blog written, but I find myself with time this afternoon, so here goes.

Last week, Raven was here for her spring break.  We had a good time even though I had to work on Monday and Tuesday.  I took her to see Mr. Peabody and Sherman and although I only fell asleep twice, (Raven kept poking me) I thought it could have been better.  I remember the shorts from Rocky and Bullwinkle, and always smiled and laughed at them, but that's what I get for being a kid back then.  I didn't realize that Mr. Peabody thought he knew everything about everything. But whatever.  I'd wait until it came out on Netflix to see it again.

I gave her a choice of other things to do as funds were somewhat limited.  So, she chose to go roller skating.  Oh boy, I thought.  Now, those who might be reading this who know me know that I am a huge fan of Roller Derby and it is on my bucket list to be a Roller Girl.  I believe I have effectively reversed that desire and crossed it off the list. 

Raven and I went to the rink known as Roller Kingdom. (Really guys, you couldn't come up with something a bit more ... unique?)  When I was a kid, my dad took my siblings and I nearly ever Thursday for family night.  That was soooooo long ago.  I think the last time I was on skates was over 20 years ago, and I remember a few things.  And some of those things hasn't changed over time.  Back then, it was known as King's Skate Country.

1. The building interior is almost exactly the same!
    That's right.  There has been very little change to the interior of the place, as I remember it.  Even the floor is the same.  Actually, I thin it's gotten worse.  Hey guys, do us all a favor and replace the surface before we all fall down! Sheeesh!

2. They still play the same lame games!
    Yep, Red Light, Green Light.  Simon Says.  All the games are still the same.  Hey guys, you COULD try changing it up a little bit.  I'm sure that over the last twenty years or so there have been some new skating games invented.

3. The DJs are still as snarky as ever!
    Yep.  The DJs still cheat at pretty much every game and good luck trying to get a request in.  I guess that's what comes from being young and full of themselves.

4. The concession stand still carries ring pops!
    Among other things, the food is still the same as it was when it was King's Skate Country.  At least, from what I remember.  And it's still as expensive as ever.

5. The lighting is as it used to be.
    While there have probably been a few updates to the lighting over the rink, there is still that same star pattern of light bulbs above the center of the rink.  And kids still go to the center of the rink to pretend to be cool.

So, back to the skate night with Raven.  It had been so long since I had been on skates that I had a difficult time even getting across the carpet. I thought I was going to fall down and break an ankle!

Raven is on the left.

After about a half hour of watching Raven skate around the rink I decided I wasn't going to let her show me up.  I timidly went to one of the openings to the rink.  After waiting for an opening, I decided it was time to just get out there and do it.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I made my way into the skating traffic, and after once lap around, I got off the floor.  I guess I'm not as good of shape as I thought.  Okay, who am I kidding?  I'm in horrible shape, but at least I went out there.

Raven saw me skating and gave me a high five as she went around the rink again with a new girl friend.  I was happy that she was having fun.  Eventually, I found my skating legs once more and I believe I ended up going around the rink about nine times total in the span of about two hours.  Yeah, not very much, but I am sure I looked like a wobbly bird going so slowly like one who hasn't learned to fly yet.  Yikes, that's a scary thought.

Proof that I put them on!

By the time I finally got comfortable with skating again, Raven was tired and wanted to go home.  I don't blame her, and I didn't want to overdo it, either.  But, I am going back, tonight in fact, to skate some more.  It's a great workout and good for the legs and the core, especially the way I skate.

Perhaps being a roller girl isn't out of my reach yet after all!

Closure and Making It Through

This will probably be the last blog entry I make regarding Tom.

Today was Tom's funeral service.  It was a short, sweet service.  He has so much family.  I'll be honest and say that I kind of felt out of place because I didn't know very many people there, but it was really nice nonetheless.  Some of his family members got up to tell stories about him.  At the end anyone who wanted to tell memories or a story could do so.  I really wanted to, but I am petrified of public speaking.  Perhaps I should have, but I wasn't really sure what to say.

His mom made a really nice collage of photos of Tom.  Two of them were ones that I had taken of him.  That made me feel really good that she thought they were good enough to use.  His family is so nice and really great. 

I couldn't concentrate on homework tonight so instead I decided to go singing.  I went to the Cal Neva and decided that this would be the night that I would finally get all the way through "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrisette.  It was Tom's favorite song that I sang, and every time I try to sing it, I fall apart. Well, I got up on that stage and tried again.  I'm sure I looked like an overdramatic weirdo up there, but it's the type of song that really gets me into it.  And, I did.  I belted that song with as much emotion as I could without breaking down and I finally got through the whole thing.  I dedicated it to him after I was done and sat back down in my seat.  Then, I broke down in tears and a few minutes later I left the bar.

 It's late and the words are simply not flowing as well as they could be.  More another day I suppose.

Making a Change... Again

It's been a very depressing last several weeks. So much so that I gained back even more weight than when I first started working out last year.  I also cut my hair off.  That's nothing really special or even new. I usually cut my hair after a failed relationship.  (Not that this one failed, but still one that ended.)  But what I'm concerned about is my weight.  I won't say how much I weigh because even I can't believe it, but suffice it to say that I'd like to lose a good 100 pounds. (Hopefully, that will include a massive amount of chest weight that has been giving me some other types of issues lately.

So, I decided to take the plunge and join Curves.  It's a gym geared for women only. I'm sure you've seen the commercials or whatever.  This isn't like any other gym I've ever been in. Quite simply it's a circuit system of 13 machines which takes 30 minutes to go through twice.  The ladies at this place were really nice.  Older women who looked like they have been working on losing weight for a while, but still haven't gotten quite there yet.  It was nice to be in a conversation with someone that didn't look like Barbie.

We went over some of the machines they have.  They don't look very intimidating, but i got on a few and even after a few short seconds of trying them I was wiped out.  I'd hate to see what my first actual session is going to be like.

I also had my measurements taken and my weight and body fat.  I'm totally not listing them here, but it was enough to get me motivated to join that gym right then.  I'm tired of being fat and I'm tired of being tired. 

But, that's not all I'm going to be doing.  I'm also going to get a mountain bike because I really enjoy riding.  There is a nice trail that goes along the river here, much like the Greenbelt of Boise.  I don't think it's as long, but it's just as pretty, if not moreso.  I've been looking today on Craigslist for a bike.  Found a few that look promising, but it's too early on a Sunday to call.. lol...

I still have my Sparkpeople account which helps me track food and exercise.  It also helps me design meals within certain calorie ranges.  It's really nice, so I'm going to continue working with that.  I have a few friends who are helping to encourage me from afar, and that is also nice. 

I feel like I've restarted this weight loss and healthy eating thing so many times in the past. I can't ever seem to stay on track.  As has been said so many times before, this time I am determined to make it happen.  I've given myself a goal of one year to lose 100 pounds.  I know I can do it.  I just need to maintain strength and motivation.  And not get down on myself if I slip up at all.

And that is the hardest part.  Being kind to myself while also balancing being hard on myself.  Because if I'm not hard on myself, no one else will be.

It's Been a Month

Tom died a month ago today.  Although that life goes on, the pain still lingers. I am sure that it is something that will always be there. I tried to sing his favorite song the other night at karaoke, and I almost made all the way through, but ended up breaking down during the last phrase.  I left the bar after that and came home and cried for a while.  I might never be able to sing that song all the way through again.

I have his shelf set up and I still say good morning and good night to his picture.  I suppose that makes me some kind of freak, but I can't help it. I miss him a lot.  There is a part of me that will never forgive myself for his death.  I know. I really need to.  It will take time, perhaps a lot of time.

My home is always quiet. I am always alone while I am there.  I have forced myself to go out and meet new people, make new friends, but even still, I feel empty inside.  I guess that's a choice, but it is the one I am making right now.  I know that my real friends will accept me for that.  I also know that I don't always show how I am feeling on the inside because there is no need to. 

For now, I'll just get through each day one at a time.  And forgive myself eventually.

What Really Matters

It doesn't matter how much I try to smile, I usually end up crying once I'm alone.  I thought that I was at least a little bit okay even over two weeks since Tom's death. It turns out that I'm not okay with it. At all.  I still feel massive guilt over his death, and I'm not sure how to overcome those feelings. 

While I look okay on the outside most of the time, on the inside, I feel like death...empty and void...cold.

I've tried to surround myself with friends and even family at times, but the depression remains.  I don't have the money for counseling so I write.  That seems to help sometimes.  Getting it all out helps to release more tears, but there are other times when I wish I had someone just to talk to.  My friends are there, but it's hard to get the words out.

For now I'll just try to focus on what really matters.  Living each day, one at a time. And if that day brings sadness then try to focus on other things until the sadness goes away.  And, try to take my mind off the fact that the sadness might never go away....

There are days I wish my body was a cold and void as I feel on the inside....

Aftermath

These last few days have been especially rough.  I spent the last three days moving my things from the duplex that Tom and I shared into a house I have lived in before.  I am very grateful for family.  It was really hard to leave the place that he and I shared together, but ultimately I know that this is the best move for me.  By the way, this is move #50 for me in my lifetime.  My mother calls me a gypsy and really, that is how I've lived for the most part.  Moving from here to there and back to here then to there again.  I don't like moving so much, it's just that circumstances in my life have warranted me moving.. a lot. 

The majority of Tom's things went back to his parents.  I only kept a few small things and they are now on the shelf I have dedicated to him.  There is a picture of us, some small bottles of cologne and my drum sticks.  He was an excellent drummer and he always smelled so good!  I plan on getting a few more things for that shelf because there was so much more to him than that.  I'm going to get a mini whisk and a few other things that I haven't decided on yet. 

Although most of my tears have been shed, I still feel myself crying out of the blue.  I know it's perfectly normal, but I can't remain depressed forever. I need to get my emotions in check. I have to get back to doing homework. I have to get back to work, which I'm doing tonight.  Not sure how that's going to turn out, but no matter. I am currently looking for a new job anyway. 

Fish pond that will have fish again one day.

I'm sad, and depressed, but happy to be in the new place.  The old place was simply not big enough even for one person. I was tripping over my own feet there.  The new place isn't as big as some, but way bigger than the old place.  I have plans to refurbish the back yard. It really needs some TLC. I'm also going to replant my garden.  A friend of mine is a permaculturist and she is going to help me get the yard in good condition. I'm also going to try to get the lawn healthy again.  It's going to be a long process, I'm sure.

I go back to work tonight. Not sure how that's going to do, but I can't not work forever.  I just hope I don't get a lot of coworkers asking me how I've been. I've been cruddy, and I'm trying to stay together.  That's how I'm doing.  Now let me get back to work.

No nap for me tonight. Oh well. 

Things I Learned From Tom...

1. Life is too short.

Well, duh.  We all say this, but do we really know what we mean by it?  Some people do amazing things before they are 18, some never do anything noteworthy or it is is, people don't know about it.  It doesn't matter as long as we live life to the fullest everyday.  Life is too short to be sad, depressed, stressed out constantly, or in short... miserable. Set goals.  Work for them.  Achieve them. 



2. Labels mean absolutely nothing. 
Be who you are.  I sometimes worry about "fitting in" in certain situations.  Specifically with this group or that group thinking that they wouldn't respect or like me if I didn't like what they like or dressed how they dress.  We'll take music as an example.  There is so much stigma around loving certain types of music.  For instance, I don't really care for country music very much, but is that?  Oh, it's because I think that my friends will think I'm weird or *gasp* not goth enough if I like country music.  (Just for the record, I gave up being "goth" a long time ago although I still love the music, the style etc...I just don't have time for the drama.)  Tom loved EVERY kind of music.  And when I say everything, I mean everything.  He'd listen to rock one minute then turn right around and flip to an adult contemporary station.  He couldn't answer who his favorite band was because he didn't have one.  He refused to allow people to label him by the kinds of music he listened to or the clothes he wore.  He simply existed as himself.  I admire that.  And, he enjoyed everyone.

3. Be kind to myself.

Sounds like a no-brainer, but in reality, I have a tendency to expect perfection from everything I do. School being a major part of that perfection.  If I get less than perfect, then I really come down on myself rather hard when I really have no reason to do so.  I also need to quit calling myself names and putting myself down so much.  It hurts way more than it motivates.

4. It's okay to cry.

I never like crying in front of anyone because I feel like it makes me look weak or vulnerable and I dislike looking like either.  Tom cried a lot, but I respected his tears.  He was a rather sensitive guy.  He never held back his tears.  I won't hold mine back anymore.


5. Family is the most important thing on the planet.

I grew up in a broken home.  I didn't have it as bad as a lot of other children.  My parents loved me as a kid, and somehow they found the strength to love me as an adult.  Tom's parents are still married.  He has twin sisters whom he
 would do anything for.  I always found it so strange that he would end every phone conversation or visit with them with the words, "I love you".  Actually, it kind of bugged me.  I am the type who rarely says those words because to me they lose their meaning, but to him they never lost their meaning.  I cannot remember if I told him that I loved him on our last phone conversation.  It was rather quick.  But family is important.  I already know this, but there are times when I don't think that my siblings or parents know that I care.  I might not get along with my sister at all, and call her a pain in the ass sometimes, but there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, or my brother.  Or, any member of my family for that matter.  I suppose I should tell them more often that I love them.  Because we only get one set of relatives. 

I'm sure there are more, but those are the most important. 

It's Hard...

The next few entries are probably going to be a bit depressing, but it is how I feel.  I've cried millions of tears and I took this week off of work trying to get my head in order.  I know it will be a process and people go through this everyday. I am surprised that there aren't more suicides committed due to grief.  Because really, I would rather be dead than feel this depressed.  I have spent the last few days in denial, I guess.  There are many emotions that I have never felt before.  There are times when I think he is going to come bursting through the door and give me a really big bear hug and kisses and tell me that his day was great. 

But that's not going to happen.  I understand that, but it is going to be very difficult to accept for a long time. 

I didn't get to say goodbye.  The last thing I said to him before he went into the ICU was that I would call his parents. I don't even know if I told him that I loved him.  "I love you" was not something that I said all the time because I believed that actions spoke louder than words.  He told me he loved me all the time and I knew he meant it.  But, I didn't get to see his body.  He's already been cremated.  I think that is part of why I am having a difficult time accepting this, but oh well.  That's life death.

One of our favorite things to do was sing karaoke.  As often as we could, we would go to various places.  Our favorites were the Cal Neva and the 5 Star Saloon.  I knew it was too soon, but I wanted to feel closer to him, so I decided to go to the 5 Star.  I sang our song ("The Promise" by When in Rome) and managed to get through it without sobbing until the very last word.  In the next rotation I was going to sing "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrissette, which was his favorite song that I sing.  I only got through the first chorus before I completely broke down.  I guess it really was too soon.  I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to sing that song again.

I'm getting ready to move out of the place that he and I shared, and even though I really dislike this place, it was ours and we shared it.  I have to pack up the rest of his stuff for his parents although I am keeping a few of his favorite shirts.  He was a really big guy and I drown in them, but that's okay.  They surround me with him, and that is the point. I'm also keeping his pillow because it smells like him, and he always smelled really good.  He wore the best cologne.  He was paranoid about his hygiene and wore the best smelling stuff.  I loved to bury my head in his chest in inhale.

I don't want to pack. I don't want to clean. I don't want to work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I barely want to visit friends.  I don't want to listen to music.  I don't want to live.

I would have given anything to trade places with him.

A Bright Light Has Dimmed...

Thomas Lee Berner II.  Those who have been following my journals knew him only as Titan.  And he passed away early on January 13th, 2014 due to a heart attack brought on by his body's inability to fight everything else that was going on.  He went into the emergency room on New Year's Eve and was admitted for pneumonia.  Two days later he was sent to the ICU and intebated and put into a chemically induced coma to allow his body to fight of the H1N1 flu that he had actually contracted.  On the 10th his fever spiked to 104 after being at over 102 the first few days he was in the hospital and then over 100 for the majority of his time in the ICU.  After spiking to 104 his kidneys began to fail.  They were doing everything they could to keep him alive.  Around 2am on the 13th, he had a heart attack and passed away.  He was in a lot of pain and from what I understood there was nothing more they could do for him.  I didn't get to say goodbye.

Tom was an incredible man who did a lot more in his 39 years of life then a lot of people I know combined.  He was a musician who excelled at drums as well as singing and other instruments.  He was well-traveled having gone to several places in this world.  He had wonderful stories to tell.  He was an EMT, a cook, a real estate agent and most of all, he was a very loving father to his daughter, 17, and his son, 3.  I can only imagine what they are going through right now.

He was creative and funny and so very talented. He had dreams of owning his own restaurant one day.  He was an extraordinary cook and I often teased him that he overfed me.  I gained a lot of weight when he cooked, but it was worth it.  We had dreams of running a place together.

I have known Tom since the 8th grade. He is one of the people still in my life that I have known the longest. We were in band together and we became very good friends.  Although our lives went down separate paths after our freshman year, we reconnected as seniors and dated for a short time.  Our paths separated once again, but we found each other once more via Facebook. (Oh, the joys of technology.)  We remained in contact, and that eventually led me back home to Reno and to him.  Our time together was very short, but very powerful and extremely special.  Our relationship was by no means perfect, but we always found that love overcame everything else and petty arguments be damned.

He always had kind words to say to just about everyone and he treated everyone with respect.  Most of all, he treated me like a princess, and I can honestly say that there are very few who have done that in my life.  I finally found happiness in a relationship and now it's gone.  There are times when I think the Universe has it out for me.  But enough about that.

When Tom sang, he got people on their feet dancing. He could sing Elvis like no other that I know.  At the Cal Neva, he always got the approval from the crowd, high fives from perfect strangers and I'll never forget the songs we sang together.  Our song was "The Promise" by When in Rome.  It fit us so perfectly, and he told me that he'd always thought of us when he heard that song.  His favorite song that I sang was "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrissette, so if you ever hear me singing that song, know that I am singing it for him always.

He was the bright light in the darkness that was my mind and soul.  He understood me like very few do.  He accepted me for who I was and did not try to change me very much.  We compromised a lot and that is what made our relationship work for us.  He was very open-minded and willing to try just about anything. 


There were many who prayed, lit candles, sent healing energy and begged the higher powers to make everything right again.  The Universe had other plans in mind, I guess.  Thank you for all who prayed, lit candles and sent healing energy.  One of his friends at Rail City even grabbed my hands and said a prayer right there at the counter on two occasions.  They truly cared about him there.  

I have probably cried ten thousand tears in the last few hours and millions more since the early hours of this morning.  I know that my tears are not done falling.  They may never be fully done.  I finally understand the old cliche that states that part of me died when he did.  I doubt that I will ever get that part of me back. Tears fall so freely for me on a normal basis anyway that these are starting to physically hurt.

I loved him with all my heart.  Friends described him as funny, sweet, great, and generous.  He will be missed terribly although I know that he'll remain alive as long as his memory survives in those that knew and loved him. He is survived by his parents, his sisters, his kids, friends, extended family and me.

Rest in peace, my love.
Thomas Lee Berner II  January 12, 1975 to January 13th 2014