I can't stop.

He went his way and I went my way, but throughout the years we have never really lost touch.  An email here and there or a yahoo chat, texting, facebook chats ( I love those).  We both made choices that brought us to where we are today.  (Well duh, don't we all?)

He's the only one who I ever really connected with.  He's the only one who helped me to be someone really great... esteem, confidence, positive outlook.  Even I was amazed at the things we accomplished together, when we were together.

I have done a lot of living in the past.  I think about the before time when things were awesome. I came across some pictures of us at the river, downtown, Las Vegas, parties.  I remember how much fun we used to have.

We're older now (not by much) and he is down in California and I'm up here in Idaho. We continue to text and talk on the phone and chat via FB.  I miss him so much that it brings tears to my eyes.  I'm sure he doesn't feel the same way.  He's the one that did the leaving.

There are times when I wish I could stop thinking about him.  But I can't stop.  I can't help but remember times at karaoke.  Running to his arms to meet him when he showed up... dancing at club....  walks just to take pictures.... him doing my makeup....long conversations about nothing....  getting dressed in our gothiest best just to go singing at a dive bar.......

He's so outgoing.  I'm not so much outgoing.  I will never forget the time we got kicked out of the club that we ended up having Dewm Fest in several months later.. LOL..  He had gotten us in for free by performing one of his tricks, and we sat at the bar and got to know a fellow military man who was wasted beyond anything I'd seen in a long time.  I had taken a lot of pics that night.  I had put together a collage of this guy and somehow it got into the hands of the owner and he didn't take too kindly to it, so he 86'd us. LOL.. thank goodness that the bars/clubs in that city change hands like people change socks.

So many good times... so many good times that vastly outweighed the bad times.  Can I forget that he had cheated on me with his so-called assistant?  Can I forget that he dated half the club regulars after we split up?  Perhaps.  Those days were so long ago.  I really don't like holding grudges.  Life is too short not to forgive.  I would also hoped to be forgiven of my trespasses.. not that I ever cheated, but I'm sure I did plenty to warrant sour feelings.

I am currently making plans to go see him.  It's a 17 hour drive.  I am really looking forward to the visit.  Since I can't seem to talk him into coming up here.  He always has some excuse, valid as they may be.  I've tried talking him into moving up here, but no dice. He is happy where he is, doing magic and whatnot.  I guess when I get back from seeing him I will have to ask myself if I really belong in Idaho.  I've never really felt at home here.  No one here really understands me like he did.

I suppose on the flip side of that, I will find out exactly how he feels.  If I can handle being around him, with all his adoring fans.  Have I truly changed.....

I miss him.  I love him.  I don't think I ever stopped loving him.

When will this pain end..... I can't stop............