Pondering Death.....

I've spent a good portion of my life moving.  Most of us move several times in a lifetime unless you're my dad, then you go into the Navy, do a tour in Vietnam, then come home and never move anywhere else.  No problem.  Some people are like that.  As for me, I can't seem to stay in one place for more than a few years and in some cases, a few weeks.  I didn't even grow up your typical military brat.  Dad was out of the military long before I came along.  But, this blog isn't him.

On Tuesday I will be traveling once again back to the home town.  If you've read previous blogs, you know that my beloved grandmother passed away a few days ago.  Yes, she was aged, but she was otherwise healthy and the family was blindsided by this tragedy.  And yes, it was a tragedy.  She was an amazing woman who did more than even I know.  Unfortunately, we weren't that close because I moved around a lot.  I do remember, and hopefully will always remember, her stories about her previous family.  She was an only child.  Her mother was widowed when she was just a baby.  Her dad died in a train accident.  He was a train driver.. engineer I believe they call them.

My grandmother served in the Navy.  I think, if I recall correctly, she worked in a mail department or something like that, delivering letters and things of that nature.  It was very different for the women of the armed forces back in her day.  That is how she met my grandfather, may he rest in peace.  I'm sure he can, too, knowing that they have been reunited.  They were together 60 years before he crossed over.

My coworkers have been very supportive of my need to be with my family.  My aunt died last January and I wasn't able to be there.  We weren't close at all, and I found her rather grating on the nerves, but no one should have to die so young or so badly.  Pancreatic cancer I believe it was.  I told myself that I was NOT going to miss my grandmother's funeral even if I had to quit my job in order to be there.

I am a little bit nervous.  I haven't seen any of my family in nearly two years.  Not since I left Nevada to go to Arkansas. (Something that is an embarrassment to my record) I am uneasy about seeing my dad.  We didn't leave on the best of terms, but he has agreed to allow Raven and I to stay with him while we are there.  It will suck, though because he lives in the middle of absolutely nowhere on ten acres.  My one great fear is that he will die out there alone and it will take weeks for anyone to find out.  My stepmother of course is with him, but what if she dies first?

I think I will admit to having that childlike mentality that I am going to live forever.  In my lifetime there have only been four people in my family to cross over.  An uncle, my aunt, and my dad's parents. All these on my dad's side.  No one on my mother's side has passed, although I think my mom's dad will soon go.  He's been hanging onto life by a thread and a massive amount of pharmaceuticals.  I've only met him twice, and he didn't seem like the tyrant my mother described.  I suppose that old age really can mellow a person out.  I won't be traveling all the way to D.C. to attend his funeral, though.

So, I have this childlike mentality about death... or, I did until I really started to ponder my own mortality.  I think it hits most people like a ton of bricks, but for me it pretty much hit me like a semi that I will die eventually, whether it be tomorrow by some jackass who hits me while I'm crossing the street, or cancer, old age, or in my grandmother's case, a broken heart.  I know there was another reason for her death, but she refused to see a doctor about her swollen leg.  I think she was simply ready to be with her husband again.  After he died, she was not the same.  I cannot blame her for wanting it all to be over with.  Some of her family treated her like dirt, and if I had ever seen that I would have defended her to the end.  It sucks that I have to be so far away.  I'm a crappy grandchild.

I don't want to die.  I also don't want to be old without all my faculties.  And, I refuse to be a vegetable.  So, if I happen to get into some car accident, please for the love of humanity, pull the damn plug!


Where are the vampires when you need them......