Sabotage

There are some days when I wish I could have just stayed in bed.  Today would be one of those days.  The issues of the past several days apparently seeped into my work life, and I got in trouble for my attitude while at work.  There are many people who don't like me as it is and some of them tend to over analyze things I say, or the emotion in which it is said.  Yes, I am still working on keeping my personal life separate from my work life, but when I have no other outlet to vent to (other than here, which apparently didn't work this time) I tend to blur the line between the two.  All I can say is that I won't do it again, and try real hard to do so.  It wasn't a very pleasant thing to come to work to this morning, but I have a really cool team lead who is very understanding of the stress that our job brings when we have to work 12 hours alone.  I really think that the stress wouldn't be so great if we didn't have to work in here alone, especially on a weekend when it tends to be the busiest.  Who's idea was that anyway!  Oh yeah, our great and mighty supervisor who I've only met once in person.  I can say this, though.  At least I'm not working BOTH weekend days alone anymore.  That was absolute hell.

I've been at this job for two years in May, and in this position for nearly half of that time.  This job is not challenging anymore, and I think that because it is not, I am getting bored with it, and bored with the constant nitpicking of the supervisors over little things, the constant button-pushing of the advisors who think that I am the same person as I was when I was an advisor and a mentor to some of them.  That person died about a month after I took my current position.  In this position, I am not allowed to have friends on the floor for fear of being accused of favoritism.  Which doesn't happen anyway.  I favor no one.  I do tend to get irritated when the buttons get pushed, though.  I think anyone would. I wish that the advisors would stick more to the rules and quit pushing my buttons.

I also think that on a subconscious level I am probably jeopardizing my job altogether because of the tedium that has been this job for the last several months.  It is clear to me that I could never be a supervisor of anyone. I clearly lack the social graces enough to do so.  I'm a stickler for the rules, I always have been even when I was young.  I prefer to maintain order and I cannot stand chaos.  I like things planned out a certain way and have difficulty when the plan doesn't work the way it should.  I guess one would say I'm rigid, and I think that I am the type that would let power like that go to my head.  I am also painfully shy.  Those traits do not a good supervisor make, so I think I will doom myself to be a lowly worker bee the rest of my life.  I guess the world needs worker bees.  I always thoughts I would make more of myself than that.  Actually, I'm more like a worker ant.  I'm not even good enough for a stinger!

I suppose that the strong thing to do would be to get over the weekend and all of its dealings, as they have ended.  I was really feeling great when I got to work this morning, but after that talking to I got about my attitude on Saturday, I really feel crummy now.  I guess I should get over that, too.  It's over and done with and just try to go on from here.  It seems like no one in this building understands me, and never will.  I try to conform to their ways, but I don't like having to be a strict professional.  I guess people just can't tell when I'm joking.  Perhaps I'll go back to being the stoic that I was several years ago.


Nah.  They'll just have to get used to me!

Read it while it's hot.  I'll probably be deleting it soon for its sheer pity party factor.


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